Monday, December 29, 2008

Bush Presidency Not A Failure!

According to his two top female advisors, Condoleeza Rice and wife Laura.

Safely ensconced in her 'Stepford,' TX ranch, Laura Bush told FOX 'News' "Do I think the press is fair? No, absolutely not." Regarding those who criticize her husbands' regime as a failure, she said, "Well, I know it's not. And so I don't really feel like I need to respond to people that view it that way." And of course, that's the real problem. The typical Bush response to any fact which does not fit neatly into his world is to ignore it until it goes away, then when it fails to go away, to spin it in some way that makes Incurious George look good. I guess all those years of alcoholism left some residual deniability in George and Laura. Good for them!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice also had a few words about her soon-to-be-former massah: "Generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will."

You know, in the spirit of the New Year I think I'll get the ball rolling here.

Thank you, George W Bush, for concocting false evidence in order to invade a middle eastern country which, while certainly led by a miserable tyrant, had absolutely nothing to do with Al-Quaida, 9/11, WMD's or any other thing you accused them of. They did try to assassinate your Daddy though, so I guess your Texas-sized ego and white-trash mentality makes this a perfectly acceptable Quid Pro Quo. How very Jerry Springer of you!

Thank you, George W Bush, for creating the No Child Left Behind program. Through creative bookkeeping you have managed to hide the fact that illiteracy and dropout rates are higher than ever in this country. By listing dropouts as "transfers" and allowing "certain" children to slide during major testing you have made our Nation's schools look ideally wonderful! Congrdulashens! Wee ar all aweighting the nexx vershen of Webster's Dikshenarry with grate auntissipashen!!

Thank you, George W Bush, for slashing restrictions on corporate pollution. The money saved and stuffed into executive Golden Parachute plans more than makes up for the centuries of tainted land and water our children will have to deal with. But hey, by that time you'll be dead! To use your new favorite phrase… "So what?"

Thank you, George W Bush, for allowing illegal immigrants to pour through our borders like water through an ACE levee. We now have more than enough waiters, maids, gardeners, garbage men and chicken plant workers to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them speak English or pay taxes, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

Thank you, George W Bush, for giving Wall Street the green light to play hard and fast with our money, creating loopholes, tax-dodges and Ponzi schemes which raped the Nation's wallets and further widened the divide between the Haves and Havenots. It's certainly a shame that you couldn't figure out how to get our Social Security money into the stock market though! Maybe next time!

Thank you, George W Bush, for the fiscal bailout programs. We, the people, are so stupid that we could never have found a solution like yours. To fight the spectre of insurmountable debt, your idea is to create more debt! Brilliant!! Hey, I'm going to go bankrupt soon, can I have a couple grand too?

Thank you, George W Bush, for making our National Parks safe to visit once again. Since you eviscerated gun laws people will think twice before drawing down on the average citizen at Yellowstone now, won't they?

Thank you, George W Bush, for your prompt action during Hurricane Katrina. Without your hard work and determination, thousands of people would have been stranded on rooftops and left homeless for years, scattered across the country far from friends and family.

Thank you, George W Bush, for re-popularizing the concept of the oubliette. Your system of secret jails is the perfect place to hide all those crazy school teachers, accountants and gas station owners you picked up after 9/11. And holding them under suspicion without charging them? Brilliant! No need to allow them counsel if they haven't been charged! No wonder there have been no terror attacks "on U.S. soil" during your reign.

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Mission Accomplished" speech. Without that speech, we all would have thought that the War on Iraq was still underway. No, really, thank God that's over! But George, why are our husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and children still dying over there? Any ideas?

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Midnight Regulations" you are feverishly passing in your last days. At your current rate, you should be able to pass more MR's than any other president in the history of this country, including Bill Clinton and your Daddy! With a little elbow grease, you could possibly destroy this country more in your final thirty days than in the previous eight years of your reign. Good luck to you! I'm certain that Big Coal will reward you with many lovely gifts as payback if they haven't already done so.

Gosh George, there's ever so much for us to be thankful for and it's all because of you! You, and you alone, have done what no other tyrant, enemy or foreign power has ever been able to do. You have brought the United States of America to it's knees. And isn't that the best way to fuck someone up the ass?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

John Foxx

Carolina Panthers head coach, John Foxx is an asshole. Why? Late in the fourth quarter of the Saints/Panthers game, Foxx chose to instruct his punter to kick a crap shot out of bounds at midfield, thereby ensuring that Saints quarterback Drew Brees would not be able to break Dan Marino's single season passing yard record. Brees came up sixteen yards short. No word yet on whether any money passed between Marino and Foxx. Enjoy your playoffs John and sleep well knowing that the world now knows what a truly contemptible prick you really are.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Iconic Britain Has Finished It's Contest!

You may remember the Iconic Britain kafuffle from a few months ago. Well, they finally got around to compiling the top 100 British Icons!! Actually, it's really the top 96 Icons since the Beatles, Lady Diana and Breakfast get listed twice, but hey, what's a little redundancy when you're compiling a list of the best aspects of a culture? Curiously, jug ears and bad teeth and the Beckhams did not make the list.

Visit to see the top 100 icons. It a laugh riot! Ten categories and ten pictures each. #10 in Art & Culture: British Summers? Buildings & Architecture contains Beefeaters and Red Phone Boxes, neither buildings nor architecture.

My favorite is the category of Great British Holidays. No mention of Guy Fawkes or boxing day, but mostly places where Brits go when they get a holiday. #6 is 'sandcastles at the beach' but the photo is a flower?? Not only that, but above the photo are the words 'INCORRECT IMAGE.' I mean… they paid someone to type in those words, but were too damn lazy to find a picture of a freaking sandcastle? the acronym LMAO comes to mind but I disdain netspeak.

Brits apparently love their morning meals though as 'English Breakfast' ranked 39th overall and 5th in the 'Institutions & Rituals' category but 'Full English Breakfast' ranked 17th overall and 1st in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

The 'News & Current Affairs' category was very interesting. Christmas was listed twice and other 'current affairs' included D-Day, VE Day, Jubilee celebrations from 1977 and 2002, Band Aid and a Princess Di interview from last century. Talk about living in the past!

The 'People' category was a surprise as it actually contained people! Francis Drake was 7th oa and first in the category beating out Elizabeth II (37th oa/2nd cat) and the Queen Mum (66th oa/9th cat.) The Beatles came in 45th overall and 4th in the category which is puzzling since they ranked 69th overall and 7th in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

Princess Di, whose "famous interview" I mentioned earlier, failed to make the people category, but ranked 2nd in 'Style and Fashion' (behind the original Mini) and 86th overall.

'Views & Vistas' (an thinly veiled Microsoft reference?) was filled with famous places like Stonehenge, London, and the White Cliffs of Dover, but curiously included a field of bluebells (76th overall/6th category.) I can see travelers the world over clamoring for plane tickets right now: "C'mon Marge, we gotta go the that field of bluebells!!"

The final category, 'Wildlife' contained some of the most Britishest of Icons I've ever seen: squirrels, butterflies, robins, lambs, ducklings, daffodils, poppies… my goodness, if only the rest of the world had such wonderful flora and fauna!!

Overall, I'd have to say the copyright infringement problems were a small price to pay for this exquisite collection British Icons! Kudos to Iconic Britain, Microsoft and Thin Martian Design for a job… well, done!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Classless in Tennessee

Not content with simply outplaying the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans LenDale White and Keith Bulluck ground a Terrible Towel into the turf with their cleats after Steeler's QB Ben Roethlisberger was intercepted a second time, this for a touchdown. It's a gesture Steeler fans see from many opponents who, lacking the intelligence to celebrate a win graciously, resort to cheap, cowardly theatrics to make a point.

But here's something the little Titans should have thought of. Buy a real Terrible Towel! It's my understanding that NFL players make decent money, but apparently Bulluck and White are strapped for cash as they were desecrating a bootleg knock-off not endorsed by the Steeler organization or the NFL as evidenced by the lack of logos. Hell, it didn't even have the real Terrible Towel logo on it. Are they miserly or just stupid?

My money's on the latter. If they had the least bit of intelligence, they'd remember the last time a player did this, another classless has-been, TJ Houshmandzadeh. TJ desecrated a Terrible Towel in a regular season meeting between the Bengals and Steelers a few years ago and in the post-season rematch, the Steelers broke the Bengals spirit, Quarterback and Superbowl hopes and went on to win the Superbowl in Detroit.

So enjoy your fifteen minutes of infamy Lenny and Keith. I hope you own comfortable couches, you'll be spending five hours on them come February first!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Oh, Those Clever Engineers!

Recently uncovered evidence shows that US Army Corps of Engineer employees are just as stupid as we thought. Evidently some of the very people we entrust our safety to have either a wicked sense of humour, or are incredible assholes, using government equipment to harass and berate the group on their blog. One comment went so far as to call us stupid for living here in the first place! From WWL:

While I can see the Corps point, that it's "one" individual, (and we all know it's more than one,) it's still just a small percentage of their workforce. However, when you have one child molester working at your daycare center you don't simply dismiss it. If the individuals responsible for this harassment are off the clock it's simply misuse of government equipment, but if they are on the clock, they are stealing time as well, and guess who pays their salaries?

In my opinion, the Corps casual dismissal of these incidents is yet another slap in the face to the citizens of New Orleans. I urge you to contact the Corps and demand an investigation into these incidents.