Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fuck You And The Tax You Rode In On

Poor little uninsured children across the United States are about to become the recipients of one of the most massive tax increases in the history of this country. THe Federal Government is instituting a sixty-one cent tax on all cigarette packs sold in the US bringing the federal total to one dollar. The extra money is supposed to go to fund the SCHIP. Now, more than ever, people will have more incentive not to insure their children because they know someone else will be footing the bill for them.

Although the tax increase doesn't officially begin until April 1st, (how's that for an implementation date?) savvy retailers have already raised the prices of cancer sticks anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar. That's pure scumbag profit kids. That extra buck isn't going anywhere but in the retailers pockets and you're just forking it over like sheep.

But it doesn't end there. Manufacturers will be raising prices to offset the loss of revenue caused by the increased tax. Yeah, that makes good sense. By mid-summer we should all be paying an average of $7 per pack to feed our addiction. That is if we still continue to support the cancer merchants.

In Louisiana there is a contingent of politicians who know what's best for everyone and are attempting to add an additional eighty cent state tax to the mix which would push the per pack cost to well over eight dollars. Governor Bobby indal says he will veto the tax if it passes the legislature on the grounds that it will affect more poorer people and that's something he wishes to avoid during the Nation's current economic downturn.

Congratulations smoker haters! You have finally taken a huge step in eradicating tobacco from the general populace. You couldn't do it with your second-hand smoke studies, all of which have crumbled under close scrutiny. Finally you found something everyone loves: uninsured babies!! Please! Won't somebody think of the children! Have fun with that. Meanwhile as smokers either quit, or start buying their tobacco from tax-exempt indian reservations, your river of unconstitutional tax dollars will dwindle to a trickle. I can't wait to see the chaos in the future. Oh, and if you thought Black Market smokes were a problem in the past, wait a few months. You've just made cigarettes a worthwhile item for smugglers and the mob again.

As for me, I'm a smoker and if there's one thing I hate more than whiny anti-smokers it's whiny children. And if they're uninsured I hate them even more. Why the hell should I pay for your kids dip/tet? I can't afford my own fucking health insurance and you've got some nerve tapping my pocketbook to balance your shortcomings as a family provider. I'll be visiting the local reservation for my smokes from now on and the extra money I save will be going to whichever bar I happen to be near for my alcohol addiction. I hope there aren't any school zones in between the two!

Friday, March 20, 2009

What's The Point?

MSNBC has a live vote in progress on whether or not we should remove the motto 'In God We Trust' from our currency. You can vote here. All you Atheists better hurry, you're losing 86% to 14%.

MSNBC offers the choice of: "Yes. It's a violation of the principle of separation of church and state." or "No. The motto has historical and patriotic significance and does nothing to establish a state religion." Apparently, some people who don't believe in God, or believe in another God, don't want our money to mention him. Gosh, I wonder if there might be anything else on our money that might offend some people? Let's take a look and see!

Well on the dollar, there's a portrait of George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. Well, unless you count all the other presidents before him. Washington got the job in 1789 but the United States was actually formed as an entity in 1777 after the Articles of Confederation were ratified. Before George, the presidents of the Congress were Peyton Randolph, Henry Middleton and John Hancock, (Presidents of the Continental Congress as The United Colonies of America,) Hancock again, Henry Laurens, John Jay, Samuel Huntington, (Presidents of the Continental Congress United States of America,) Huntington again, Thomas McKean, John Hanson, Elias Boudinot, Thomas Mifflin, Richard Henry Lee, Hancock again, Nathaniel Gorham, Arthur St Clair and Cyrus Griffin, (all Presidents of the United States In Congress Assembled.) So technically, Washington was our 17th President. Perhaps we should put him on the Seventeen Dollar Bill.

You know, most of our bills have Presidents on them, Ben Franklin being the hundred dollar exception. He was in charge of the Treasury Department for a time. Maybe It's time to change that. We could put our current President on all the bills like some nations do, but I don't know if Barack would look good in green. Hmmm, how about celebrities? Oprah on the $1000, Tom Hanks on the $500, Paris Hilton on the $20, (you know, for the nose candy fans,) and Billy Barty on the One signifying it's the smallest denomination and it's significant rate of shrinkage.

What else is there? On the back is the Great Seal of the United States. Both sides. Think of the seal as a coin. On the front, or obverse, is the US Coat of Arms. That's the eagle clutching thirteen arrows and an olive branch containing thirteen leaves and olives. There are also thirteen stars above the eagles head. The thirteens all symbolize the original colonies, but you don't need me to tell you that. The eagles head is turned toward the olive branch and away from the arrows which, it has been said, represents our nations desire for peace but our willingness to fight. That's a beautiful representation of 200-year old values, but no longer appropriate since George Bush destroyed that message years ago by unlawfully invading another country with falsified 'evidence' that… sorry, I digress. Anyway, let's get rid of that part. Maybe we can sell ad space there! I bet Rupert Murdoch would shell out a fortune to put the FOX "News" logo there!

The other side of the seal is the thirteen tiered pyramid with the spooky eye watching you. That's the Eye of Providence, or God. Looks like you're gonna have to take that out too. Oh, and the words "Annuit Cœptis" which means 'He approves our undertakings.' The "He" there also means God, so I guess that's out too. Under the pyramid are the words "Novus Ordo Seclorum" meaning New Order of the Ages. Who cares. Dump the latin. We need something hip and trendy in that spot. I got it! A scratch off game! Leave the pyramid there and your dollar will be worth exactly one dollar, but you can take a chance and try to turn your one dollar into five, ten or twenty! Replace the Latin crapola with the words: "Deal, Or No Deal!" But beware, under the pyramid might be the actual forty-two cent value of the dollar!

As for the motto, 'In God We Trust,' we should replace it with multiple slogans. Why be pigeonholed with one boring motto? Think of the possibilities. Coke Adds Life! Who Watches The Watchmen? Don't Forget To Vote! Have A Nice Day! Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out! Let's make money FUN again!!

This entire debate stems from the mind of one goofball in Sacramento, CA, Michael Newdow, an atheist who has been trying, (and failing,) to erase every reference to God he comes across. So far, he has failed to remove God from the Pledge of Allegiance, US currency and coinage, and a North Carolina government building. Newdow claims that “The placement of ‘In God We Trust’ on the coins and currency was clearly done for religious purposes and to have religious effects.” Big deal. Does it make your life that horrible, Mikey? Here's an idea, get yourself an ATM card and use that instead of cash. You'll never, ever, have to see the motto! And you can stop bothering everyone else.

Now for you kids out there that believe the motto to be a "historic and patriotic" part of our nation's history. You're wrong. While references to the Almighty have been on our coins and currency in one form or another since 1864, It wasn't until 1955 that Congress required the motto to be emblazoned on all our money, both bill and coin. That was just a year after they crammed the Big Guy into the Pledge, by the way. It was a heady time and I guess we needed to remind everyone we weren't like those Godless Commies. Fifty years is a long time, but not quite the 200+ year tradition everyone thinks is accurate.

As for me? I say let the motto stay. It really isn't hurting anyone and how often do you ever notice it? And right now I have more faith in God than I do in the Federal Reserve, but that can change at any moment…

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Run Karen, Run!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009


The Republican Party's token answer to Barack Obama, Chairman Michael Steele, is working hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. Today, I received a desperation e-mail from Mr Steele pleading for money in order to help Minnesota senatorial candidate Norm Coleman continue his destruction of the electoral process.

You may remember last year when the race between Coleman and comedian/political commentarist/candidate Al Franken was so close that a recount was deemed necessary. Initially, Coleman was declared the vote leader by some 200+ votes, but in the recount, certain oddities switched the lead to Franken by a similar margin. At question are over 650 absentee ballots which the Minnesota Supreme Court says were properly rejected due to various reasons. If counted, the absentee ballots would bring Franken's lead down to just 49. Coleman's shysters are also attempting to recount some 150 ballots which were initially counted twice and reinstate another 133 ballots which were counted initially but now cannot be found. I wonder if they looked behind the sofa? I always lose stuff behind the sofa.

So Chairman Steele is out beating the electronic bushes trying to scare up a few dollars for Coleman's recount lawsuit. I suppose this is completely legal, but it just comes off as pathetic and sad. From Steele's letter:

As the former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland and candidate for the U.S. Senate, I’m no stranger to the gutter campaign tactics and shady legal maneuverings of the Left Wing. They don’t fight fair, and they’ll stop at nothing to consolidate the power they crave.

Wow. Strong words there, but it certainly sounds like the Bush Administration tactics used to keep the Republican Party in power over the last eight years. I can see why Mr Steele was chosen to carry the Republican Banner of fear-mongering and deception. He's good at it.

Later, Steele assures party members that had Norm Coleman been on the Hill, "…it would have been much more difficult for Obama and Reid to get the 60 votes they needed to pass their outrageous, pork-laden stimulus package." Nice try Mikey, but you're not even close. Coleman has always been a small cog and no amount of after-the-fact chest-feather puffering will make him the Republican savior. If it weren't for this recount debacle we would all be blissfully unaware of Norm Coleman's existence as we have been for most of his political career.

So, if any of you out there wish to further impede the electoral process, by all means send a small donation of up to $2300, (the legal maximum,) to the Republican Party and tell them you want to help the great state of Minnesota to remain unrepresented in the US Senate for another four to six months. After all, if the citizens of the remaining 49 states don't help out Norm Coleman financially, who the hell will?