Nation Of Morons

Styb is DIGITAL!

2011-02-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

You'd think this wouldn't be news, but Rome was not built by small acorns… or something like that…

We are pleased to announce that there is a new option available for STYB: Curious Photo-Graphics!! In addition to our $9 print and free i-Pad options, STYB is now available as a PDF download! Current issues will be priced at a low $1.43 and back-issues at $3. Plus, if you purchase a print copy, you get a FREE PDF included should you want one!

STYB has a long history of providing the public with curious photo-graphics over the last 194 days and with this new option available we hope to fill our coffers… uh, that is, to provide you with curious photo-graphics for at least the next 194 days!!

King & Goodell: Douchebags

2011-02-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

In a recent Peter King hodgepodge of minutiae from Sports Illustrated, King inserted a parenthetical "Steelers" inside a quote by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell making it appear as if a dozen Steelers lacked support in the beleaguered quarterback. Now, the King of Sports Hacks is backpedalling.

King's quote now reads, "Regarding Roethlisberger, Goodell said when he was investigating what to do with the quarterback, he talked to "I bet two dozen players ... Not one, not a single player, went to his defense. It wasn't personal in a sense, but all kinds of stories like, 'He won't sign my jersey.'"

That is a huge difference. By inserting the parenthetical, King made it appear that twelve of fifty-three teammates had issues with Roethlisberger. That's 22%. Instead, Goodell was referring to the entire 1696-man roster of the NFL. That's less than 1%. Not only that, but the mainstream media picked up the story and ran with it, painting their own sordid picture of a team that no longer trusted their quarterback because of his off-field behaviour. Some "reporters" and bloggers even took the word "Steelers" out of the parentheses! Clearly they didn't read to the end of the quote. Goodell was referring to players who didn't like Ben because of silly shit like not signing a jersey. I wonder how many of those players came from the AFC North? Seems like badmouthing Ben would be the perfect opportunity to rid your division of one of it's most talented players for a few weeks…

Now I'm not defending Roethlisberger's alleged actions in Milledgeville because I don't really need to. There are no charges and there is no case. He spent his first four games of the season at home twiddling his thumbs so the matter is closed. But King's irresponsible sensationalism has no defense and it's simply another notch in Sports Illustrated's decline over the last decade. (The only enjoyment I got out of my last few issues was counting the typos and grammatical errors, and yes, I know my own writing is filled with these, but I'm not a multi-million dollar entity with a dozen "professional" editors behind me.)

Oh, sure, King was Peter-On-The-Spot with his "apology," as if he had expected the eventual blowback and written it in advance, but to release this "story" during Superbowl Media Week was nothing short of a personal attack. Hey, I'm all for opinions, but if you're going to try to start some shit, at least have the balls to do it as a full story and not as a casual aside in a monday morning trivia dump.

Oh, and King is not alone in this. Fingers are pointed at NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for breathing life back into a dying story. During the investigation, no one was more transparent than Godell about just how closed the doors would be. So why, months later and just before Ben's team takes the field in Superbowl 45, would Goodell unlock the door and destroy the credibility of his word by releasing information revealed to him in confidence regardless of whether it was germane to the issue?

I'm sure Goodell related that little tidbit to King "off the record" but how smart is that? I understand Goodell wants to gossip about the League's dirty little secrets –what's the point in having secrets if you can't tell them to someone– but to gossip with Sports Illustrated's most well known scribbler? This does not bode well for the CBA agreement.

This whole thing seems like it was a tandem act meant to sell magazines, malign the Steelers organization and assassinate the character of Ben Roethlisberger which he has worked hard to rebuild. I guess Goodell wasn't happy with the little doghouse that he put Ben Roethlisberger in and decided to add on an addition, and he got his little dog-walker Peter King to yank the chain.

The Best Post-Season Team In The Superbowl Era!

2011-01-27T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well, another NFL Season has come and gone and save for the Superbowl there's not much to do this week. But fear not turf-loving brothers and sisters!! Our Boredom = Your Knowledge! We got to wondering, "Who is the greatest post-season NFL team of the Superbowl Era?" Of course, while millions of armchair coaches have contemplated this question, none have ever bothered to answer it with more than a beery, "MY TEAM!!" So we got out our trusty slide rule, a piece of string and a box of paperclips and set ourselves to task! (Hold onto your vodka kids, this is gonna be a long one!)

After some thought we came to the conclusion that the laurels would rest on three statistics:
1 - percentage of post-season games played
2 - post-season depth
3 - post-season win/loss record.

Post Season Appearance Percentage:
This is simply a percentage of how many post-season games a team has played versus the amount of post-season games they could have actually played in. Most NFL teams have been around since Superbowl I and could have played in 167 post-season games. This includes all wildcard, divisional and conference championship rounds, and of course, the Superbowls. The Following table uses the following abbreviations:

PPSG = possible post-season games
APSG = actual post-season games played
PSG% = percentage of post-season games played
Rnk = Ranking of teams by percentage

Note: Some teams have bounced around the league a bit so I used the NFL's rule of thumb for stats. The Raiders, Rams, Cardinals and Colts retain all stats played under their respective team name regardless of city. The Browns retain all stats from Cleveland and the Titans retain all stats from the Houston Oilers. The Ravens and Texans start fresh from when they entered the league. Also, the Packers and Steelers have not yet played in SB 45, so each teams stats includes a loss for that game. I checked the numbers, giving each team a preliminary win, and it doesn't really move them up or down in any category. After the game, I'll edit the stats to reflect the winner.

Team	Seasons	PPSG	APSG	PSG%	Rnk
DAL Cowboys	45	167	58	34.73%	1
PIT Steelers	45	167	52	31.14%	2
MIN Vikings	45	167	45	26.95%	3
OAK Raiders	45	167	43	25.60%	4
SF 49ers	45	167	42	25.15%	5
BAL Ravens	15	60	15	25.00%	6
MIA Dolphins	45	167	39	23.40%	7
STL Rams	45	167	36	21.56%	8
IND Colts	45	167	36	21.56%	8
GB Packers	45	167	35	20.96%	10
PHI Eagles	45	167	34	20.36%	11
NE Patriots	45	167	34	20.36%	11
WAS Redskins	45	167	33	19.76%	13
DEN Broncos	45	167	32	19.16%	14
TEN Titans	45	167	30	17.96%	15
JAC Jaguars	16	64	11	17.19%	16
NY Giants	45	167	27	16.17%	17
CAR Panthers	16	64	10	15.63%	18
BUF Bills	45	167	26	15.57%	19
NY Jets	45	167	25	14.97%	20
CHI Bears	45	167	23	13.77%	21
SEA Seahawks	35	138	19	13.76%	22
CLE Browns	42	155	20	12.90%	23
SD Chargers	45	167	21	12.58%	24
KC Chiefs	45	167	21	12.50%	25
TB Buccaneers	35	138	15	10.87%	26
ATL Falcons	45	167	16	09.58%	27
CIN Bengals	43	162	14	08.64%	28
NO Saints	44	165	12	07.27%	29
DET Lions	45	167	10	05.99%	30
ARI Cardinals	45	167	10	05.99%	30
HOU Texans	9	36	0	00.00%	32

Who's amazing? Well, clearly Dallas and Pittsburgh shine here with over 50 post-season appearances apiece but what really caught my eye was the Baltimore Ravens… while they only have 15 appearances, that's out of 60 possible games!! That's a better percentage than New England or Green Bay! But then look at San Francisco in fifth place… behind Minnesota and Oakland? Seriously? Well, that's why we have the other categories…

Depth:
Depth is calculated by adding the points for each post-season win or loss, by round, and dividing that number by the total post-season games played. Essentially, depth reflects how far a team goes once it makes the playoffs. For teams with a full 45 seasons, the depth score tops out at around 3.61. This is due to the first 12 years of the NFL having less than four post-season rounds.

The following table shows post-season games played, (PSPG), depth score, number of byes, wildcard wins, divisional wins, conference championship wins, superbowl wins, post-season losses and depth ranking. Points are scored as follows: bye (2), wilcard (2), divisional (3), conference (4), Superbowl (5) and loss (1). Byes score the same as wildcard wins because that's essentially what they are.

Team	PSGP	Depth	Bye	Wild	Div	CC	SB	Loss	Rnk
SF 49ers	42	3.07	12	4	12	5	5	16	1
PIT Steelers	52	3.04	12	4	15	8	6	19	2
DEN Broncos	32	2.91	9	1	8	6	2	15	3
NE Patriots	34	2.85	8	3	7	6	3	15	4
NY Giants	27	2.74	5	5	4	4	3	11	5
CHI Bears	23	2.74	9	2	5	2	1	13	5
DAL Cowboys	58	2.67	9	5	15	8	5	25	7
WAS Redskins	33	2.61	4	6	6	5	3	13	8
OAK Raiders	43	2.53	5	5	12	5	3	18	9
CAR Panthers	10	2.50	2	2	3	1	0	4	10
GB Packers	35	2.49	3	7	6	5	3	14	11
TB Buccaneers	15	2.47	4	1	3	1	1	9	12
BUF Bills	26	2.42	6	3	5	4	0	14	13
MIA Dolphins	39	2.41	6	6	7	5	2	19	14
NO Saints	12	2.33	2	1	2	1	1	7	15
BAL Ravens	15	2.33	1	5	3	1	1	5	15
STL Rams	36	2.31	7	2	9	3	1	21	17
SD Chargers	21	2.29	6	4	4	1	0	12	18
IND Colts	36	2.28	5	4	6	4	2	20	19
ATL Falcons	16	2.12	4	3	2	1	0	10	20
CIN Bengals	14	2.07	2	1	2	2	0	9	21
MIN Vikings	45	2.07	6	6	9	4	0	26	21
CLE Browns	20	2.05	5	1	5	0	0	14	23
KC Chiefs	21	2.05	3	2	2	2	1	14	23
PHI Eagles	34	2.03	5	7	6	2	0	19	25
NY Jets	25	1.92	1	6	4	1	1	13	26
JAC Jaguars	11	1.91	1	4	2	0	0	5	27
TEN Titans	30	1.87	4	7	4	1	0	18	28
SEA Seahawks	19	1.84	2	5	2	1	0	11	29
ARI Cardinals	10	1.80	0	3	1	1	0	5	30
DET Lions	10	1.60	2	0	1	0	0	9	31
Hou Texans	0	0.00	0	0	0	0	0	0	32

Now that looks a little more like a list of World Champions. Granted Dallas falls to seventh because even though they have five Rings, they also have 25 post-season losses which really hurts their depth score. But don't worry, we still have one more category…

Wins and Losses:
The last category is a simple percentage of post-season wins and losses. I don't think that needs much more explanation, so here we go…

Team	PSGP	PSGW	PSGW%	Rnk
BAL Ravens	15	10	66.67%	1
PIT Steelers	52	33	63.46%	2
SF 49ers	42	26	61.90%	3
WAS Redskins	33	20	60.61%	4
CAR Panthers	10	6	60.00%	5
GB Packers	35	21	60.00%	5
NY Giants	27	16	59.26%	7
OAK Raiders	43	25	58.14%	8
DAL Cowboys	58	33	56.90%	9
NE Patriots	34	19	55.88%	10
JAC Jaguars	11	6	54.55%	11
DEN Broncos	32	17	53.12%	12
MIA Dolphins	39	20	51.28%	13
ARI Cardinals	10	5	50.00%	14
NY Jets	25	12	48.00%	15
BUF Bills	26	12	46.15%	16
IND Colts	36	16	44.44%	17
PHI Eagles	34	15	44.12%	18
CHI Bears	23	10	43.48%	19
SD Chargers	21	9	42.86%	20
MIN Vikings	45	19	42.22%	21
SEA Seahawks	19	8	42.11%	22
NO Saints	12	5	41.67%	23
STL Rams	36	15	41.67%	23
TB Buccaneers	15	6	40.00%	25
TEN Titans	30	12	40.00%	25
ATL Falcons	16	6	37.50%	27
CIN Bengals	14	5	35.71%	28
KC Chiefs	21	7	33.33%	29
CLE Browns	20	6	30.00%	30
DET Lions	10	1	10.00%	31
HOU Texans	0	0	00.00%	32

So, now that we've ranked our teams by categories, all we need to do is average those rankings for an overall score and see just who is the best post-season NFL team in the Superbowl Era!

OA	Avg	Team	PSA	Depth	W/L
1	02.00	PIT Steelers	2	2	2
2	03.00	SF 49ers	5	1	3
3	05.67	DAL Cowboys	1	7	9
4	07.00	OAK Raiders	4	9	8
5	07.33	BAL Ravens	6	15	1
6	08.33	NE Patriots	11	4	10
	08.33	WAS Redskins	13	8	4
8	08.67	GB Packers	10	11	5
9	09.67	DEN Broncos	14	3	12
	09.67	NY Giants	17	5	7
11	11.00	CAR Panthers	18	10	5
12	11.33	MIA Dolphins	7	14	13
13	14.67	IND Colts	8	19	17
14	15.00	CHI Bears	21	5	19
	15.00	MIN Vikings	3	21	21
16	16.00	BUF Bills	19	13	16
	16.00	STL Rams	8	17	23
18	18.00	JAC Jaguars	16	27	11
	18.00	PHI Eagles	11	25	18
20	20.33	NY Jets	20	26	15
21	20.67	SD Chargers	24	18	20
22	21.00	TB Buccaneers	26	12	25
23	22.33	NO Saints	29	15	23
24	22.67	TEN Titans	15	28	25
25	24.33	SEA Seahawks	22	29	22
26	24.67	ARI Cardinals	30	30	14
	24.67	ATL Falcons	27	20	27
28	25.33	CLE Browns	23	23	30
29	25.67	CIN Bengals	28	21	28
	25.67	KC Chiefs	25	23	29
31	30.67	DET Lions	30	31	31
32	32.00	HOU Texans	32	32	32

And there you have it! Is our reasoning sound? Pittsburgh, with six World Championships and another possibly on the way, places at the top followed by the two teams with five WC's. San Fran over Dallas? Yep, they're undefeated in the Superbowl and they got their five rings in less games than the Cowboys. The Raiders in fourth? Damn right! They have three rings and have been to a quarter of the post-season games they could have played in and they won 58% of those! Baltimore in fifth? One ring and an amazing 67% W/L record in the playoffs in just 15 years!

About the only surprise we found was that the Detroit Lions were not the team in last place. That spot goes to the Houston Texans who have never made a post-season appearance, but take heart Texans fans… it took some teams over twenty years to reach the post season, (SF and NO come to mind,) and you guys have only been at it for nine!

So, questions? Comments? Advice on the numbers? Be our guest and rattle off a comment! We'd love to hear from you!

-M Styborski

…And We're Back!

2011-01-22T19:14:00.000-08:00

I know, I know… "Bad Nation!!"

But honest, we've been awfully busy since the BP Oil Hemorrhage, really, we have! How busy? Well, we've begun Styb: Curious Photo-Graphics, a bi-monthly photography magazine showcasing the camerawork of M Styborski! Print issues are on sale at MagCloud and we also offer FREE, full issue downloads for the Apple I-Pad!

In conjunction with Styb, we've also rolled out a new M Styborski gallery space at RedBubble where ten works from each issue of Styb will be offered for sale to the public as postcards, prints and posters!

Also available through RedBubble, in our gallery Gift Shop, are a select number of propaganda items in the form of posters, t-shirts and stickers! No self-respecting Modern Rebel should be without these items! There may even be generous discounts on bulk orders, so order by the case and let me know!!

We've also been sub-contracted for another year at HumidCity, (which is where we've been hiding the last few months,) for a number of reasons –not the least of which is that we work incredibly cheap– so if you don't see anything new here, click on over there and see what you're missing! And we promise to be here more often for you!

-M Styborski

Simple Math

2010-05-28T04:07:00.000-07:00

BP finally got its "top kill" act together Wednesday and began pumping drilling "mud" into the hole near the frog on the bump on the log at the bottom of the deep dark well. There were periodic stops and starts as pressure tests were done to evaluate the stability of the BOP. Understandable.

But last night on CNN, LSU's... See More... See More Ed Overton theorized that pressure tests were not the only reason the TK was supended. I confess I was distracted for the first part of Overton's theory, but the gist of it was that BP had run out of mud. Well, that would certainly be embarrassing, wouldn't it? I mean, these guys are engineers, right? Good with numbers and all that, right?

Well…

BP has reported that the initial "mud" pumping started out slowly (making sure the lines and BOP could handle the pressure) and was gradually increased to 65 barrels/minute. Over the past two days there has been about 16 hours of pumping at which point BP claimed they needed to suspend operations and "see what happens."

Except…

16 hours = 960 minutes.
65 barrels/minute x 960 minutes = 62,400 barrels.

According to NOLA.com:
"The company has also ordered 15,000 more barrels of mud to add to the 50,000 barrels initially onsite. Suttles said he did not know how much mud had been pumped into the well or how much had escaped."

50,000 + 15,000 = 65,000.

Sad but obvious fact = the dummies ran out of mud.

And yesterday they clamored for the cameras in order to explain that this temporary suspension stuff is all according to plan. Really? And they didn't think this would look awkward? No one at BP HQ thought "Hey, this plan to stop pumping in the middle of the night might look bad, y'now, since we been gaming these Cajun dinks for the last month. Shouldn't we mention this before hand so they don't think we're screwing something up?"

My other thought of the morning is that if they can pump 65 barrels/MINUTE in through two 3" hoses how is it that a 21" pipeline is spewing just 12-19,000 barrels/DAY?

Of course this is mere speculation on my part. What the hell do I know.

Bone Smuggler

2010-03-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ha-Ha you big twat!

YOU HAVE BEEN HOSED!!

Try not to be so gullible in the future!

Luv ya though!

-M

Blurb, Widgets and K+36

2010-03-15T13:12:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by Blurb to help beta-test their new BookShow widget which embeds book previews into blogs and web pages, so without further ado, here we go with my first book, the lower ninth: K+36. Note, this is a full preview of the book from cover to cover.

the lower ninth: K+36 by M Styborski

The first thing I notice is the ugly gray background and the inability to fit the opened book in the space allocated by the blog but the full-screen preview looks OK. Test it out and let me know if your browser has any difficulties displaying the preview. Thanks in advance for your time!

UPDATE: Blurb has also bestowed upon me a code for free shipping on orders placed by March 22! If you order your book before the 22nd, enter the promo code WESHIP for free shipping!

Salinger Dead

2010-01-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

JD Salinger dead at 91. The reclusive author died at his home (where else?) January 27, 2010. Let the Rights Wars begin!

Stop Nagin Now!

2010-01-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

New Orleans' Mayor C Ray Nagin is on the road again but this time he's not racking up any International Flyer Miles. C Ray is attending the US Conference of Mayors this week in Washington DC where he will present his recommendations for changes in the Stafford Act to President Obama and key Cabinet officials. The Stafford Act covers financial and physical assistance to areas designated as disasters by Presidential order. One of the areas Nagin hopes to improve is the alacrity of reimbursement by FEMA for recovery projects which have been completed and paid for with non-recovery funds.

One wonders if Nagin is aware of the definition of 'completed". In the three and a half years since Katrina, Nagin has been tinkering around with plans and placing his cronies in key positions of recovery projects which never seem to come anywhere near completion. FOX8/The Lens recently ran an interesting story on Nagins' machinations which can be read here.

Nagin has reduced the Claiborne Corridor funding from 4.5 million dollars to 2.5 million citing that the money is needed for "shovel ready" projects, however councilwoman Stacey Head states that those projects in her district are indeed "shovel ready" but have been delayed by the Nagin Administration.

Interestingly, the Claiborne Corridor money has found it's way into the coffers of the Lake Forest redevelopment projects of Cesar Bugos, A close, personal buddy of, you guessed it… C Ray Nagin! Nagin says political alliances had nothing to do with the funding increase. Still, the Lake Forest project has gone from 4.5 million dollars to 9 million. Curious, no?

Nagin has also drained the Recovery School District coffers of 10 million dollars leaving its block grant account at zero stopping projects dead in their tracks. At risk are the Federal City military academy, the downtown international business school and renovations to the CAC. (So you see, the Mayor does have certain powers over education in the city.)

Add to this Nagins' recent funding of Sean Cummings' "Reinventing Sean Cummings" plan, his appointing of cronies Irvin Mayfield and alleged coke dealer and soft-core porn photographer Bernard Wade to head the Municipal Auditorium recovery and his continued attempts to buy the Chevron Building for a City Hall he'll never even sit in and you have one severely disconnected son-of-a-bitch.

I urge the City Council to do whatever it takes to strip C Ray Nagin of all powers and duties for the next four months. It becomes clearer each day that Nagin exists only for the profit of himself and his allies and I shudder at what more damage he may do to this city if allowed to continue his rape of the our financial coffers.

Breaking News From Iokon's PollNOLA!

2010-01-19T03:17:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. In fact, they haven't done anything with the site since early December. It seems the wizards behind John Georges' own campaign website are unable to find any news of note on the heated 2010 New Orleans mayoral election.

From Iokon's own PollNOLA press blurb:

IOKON Media is proud to present a quick and dirty little project that we’ve been tossing around for quite some time now. The project is called Poll NOLA and it was built in order to digitally track the reputations and press coverage of New Orleans Mayoral hopefulls for the 2010 race. Custom developed from the ground up, we utilized some basic WordPress features with a blend of our own creative programming, for an awesome collection of aggregated data from all over the web.

We know it’s tough to track so many candidates, their websites, tweets, press releases, blog posts, Facebook announcments and everything else social that these Digital Media newbies have going on, so go ahead and pop on over to Poll NOLA where you can follow the 2010 Race for Mayor of New Orleans.

Clearly Iokon nor PollNOLA has any concept of "soon."

Currently, PollNOLA has front page headlines for six of the two dozen mayoral candidates who threw their hats into the political arena: Troy Henry, James Perry, John Georges, Nadine Ramsey, Ed Murray and Leslie Jacobs. (There's also a rotating headline that Mitch Landrieu may enter the race and Irvin Mayfield won't!) Two of those candidates, Jacobs and Murray, have already picked up their political toys and gone home. PollNOLA has no mention of their withdrawal from the election. In fact, the only lead stories on the site are about the candidates announcing their candidacies!

PollNOLA does suck the Twitter feeds from Henry, Perry, Georges and Jacobs, (Though Jacobs last Twitter update is her withdrawal back on December 16th!) but if you really care about the election you're following those Twits already.

PollNOLA was thrown together in late August, 2009, and has garnered an impressive four comments. Total. On 119 press releases and articles "selected" from other sources as varied as Hullabaloo Online, NOLA.com, WWL, Gambit and Your Right Hand Thief. You know, real sources with actual content. Of course, there's not much chance of people sticking around to comment at PollNOLA since most of these reposts are teasers that end with a "Read the full story here" link to the original article. It's easier to avoid plagiarism lawsuits that way, I guess.

One thing I find incredible is that a site called PollNOLA only has four actual polls on the site. Three posted on August 21st, 2009 and one from September 14th, 2009. Curious as to how they have helped to inform the citizens of New Orleans, I participated in the latest poll on whether Ed Murray's digitized-hype campaign video was a good thing or not. After choosing the option that I didn't care in the least, a cute little text sentence replaced the poll: "Thank you for your vote, all results will be displayed soon!" That was about thirty minutes ago.

So I wondered, with all the expense of hiring people to slap PollNOLA together, throwing in some content leeching code, buying a domain name through GoDaddy and protecting their identity using GoDaddy's pricey DomainsByProxy service and whipping up those polls that just don't work… is it all worth it?

Results for PollNOLA:
mywebsiteworth.com - $72
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $1,315

For comparison, I also checked HumidCity:
mywebsiteworth.com - $53
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $291,972

AmericanZombie:
mywebsiteworth.com - $1,082
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $230,230

and Nation of Morons:
mywebsiteworth.com - $25
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $18,719

And if that doesn't clarify it, Google:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46 Billion
websitevaluecalculator.com - $4 Billion
sootle.com - $3 Billion

So, I think we've proven that website value calculators are about as useful for website valuation as PollNOLA is for content, but if I ever sell the Nation of Morons, I'll be pointing prospective buyers toward my Sootle ranking!

Oh, it's been about an hour now and the PollNOLA results still haven't posted yet. What a surprise. Like anything else associated with John Georges, I suppose we shouldn't hold our breath!

UPDATE! 01-26-10 49 days and counting (a full seven weeks) since new content has been posted to PollNOLA. Clearly there is nothing happening in the 2010 New Orleans mayoral election! The main ad square is still available on their front page! The results from the poll I participated in have still not shown up.

In honor of this post being hung at the New Orleans Ladder I'm adding their worth for comparison to PollNOLA:

New Orleans Ladder:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $217,027

Akasia Lee Sentenced

2009-11-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA-

New Orleans resident AKASIA LEE, age 36, was sentenced Nov 17, 2009, in federal court by US District Judge Mary Ann Vial Lemmon to five years in prison for her role in the conspiracy to commit health care fraud. In addition, Judge Lemmon ordered restitution of $3,977,288, a fine of $1 million, and three years of federally supervised release following imprisonment, during which time the defendant risks an additional term of imprisonment should she violate any terms of her release.

According to court documents, on March 19, 2009, Lee pled guilty to one count of a superseding indictment admitting that she and other employees of A New Beginning of New Orleans, Inc. (ANBNO) conspired to commit health care fraud. Lee, the owner/operator of ANBNO, a Medicaid provider that made claims for Personal Care Services (PCS) it claimed to have provided to Medicaid recipients, solicited mothers with children who had Medicaid benefits to apply for care. Lee admitted that after Medicaid approved the applications, false documentation containing employee time sheets and daily schedules detailing services rendered to recipients was created by employees of ANBNO and parents of the Medicaid recipient children. Lee admitted that Medicaid paid approximately $3,977,288 as a result of the fraudulent claims made by ANBNO and its employees.

The case was investigated by agents of the FBI, the US Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Inspector General, and the Louisiana Medicaid Fraud Control Unit. The case was prosecuted by Assistant US Attorneys Patrice Harris Sullivan, Jordan Ginsberg and G. Dall Kammer.

Click For Cans

2009-11-05T00:34:00.001-08:00

OK, a little corporate shilling here but trust me it's for a good cause. Campbell's Soups Chunky brand is having a contest and all you have to do is go there and vote. No signing up for e-adverts, or entering personal info. Why should you? It's a Saints thing and you can vote every day. Again, why should you? To feed people!

Campbell's is donating soup to NFL teams which they will distribute to local food banks. In our case this will be Second Harvest. 1,000 cans of soup will be donated to each team regardless of the voting outcome. The team receiving the most votes for the AFC and NFC get an additional 12,000 cans and the overall winner gets another 5,000 cans. This means if you lazy kids out there can click a button enough times for the Saints, you could help bring in 18,000 cans of soup to help feed people. And not watered down MRE soup, but so-chunky-you-could-eat-it-with-a-fork-but-use-a-spoon Chunky Soup!

The contest goes on through the end of the season when the four AFC and NFC teams with the most votes enter single elimination "playoffs" for three weeks to crown the overall winner. This means each of you reading this can add over seventy votes for the Saints from here on in! Just go to Chunky's website and click the Vote Now button, then pick the Saints matchup and choose our home team. And hurry! As of this posting the Saints 5,042 votes are second to the Packers 8,971 this week. In the time it took me to type that and double check the numbers the Pack gained four votes and the Saints gained none, so get your fingers moving and help feed some people in New Orleans!

And don't forget to blast this to everyone you know!

Thanks to local Kazoozie Floozie Debra Gunter for the heads-up on this!

Charity

2009-08-30T08:24:00.001-07:00

I shot this in April of 2006, when hope still shone on Charity Hospital like a beacon. At the time I didn't do anything with it, but I remembered thinking that the surrounding clouds looked like a portent of dire warning if ever there was one. Fancy that. Now this photograph has decided it wants to speak, to scream in agony with a voice that could pierce the ears of the deaf. I am only too happy to lend it my stage.

It has become painfully clear to me now that there is no hope for Charity. LSU wants a shiny new sprawling medical complex and they don't care what historic landmarks or neighborhoods or communities stand in their way. It's been four years since Hurricane Katrina gave LSU and the State of Louisiana the Golden Opportunity to lock the doors on Charity. Since then it has languished, decaying day by day like the health of the citizens of New Orleans.

Mayor Nagin is a clueless, ineffective caricature of leadership, concerned more with lining his pockets than the well-being of this city. Governor Jindal is on the money train with his cronies and frat brothers at LSU, even though they have failed multiple times to find financing for their boondoggle. President Obama certainly could care less, otherwise he would have sliced us off a tasty hunk of that Stimulus Cheese to help solve the problem. So what can we do?

Let's die.

Winter is coming and this gives us all a great opportunity to catch pneumonia and die. And when it's time for all of us to go, let's use our last breaths to crawl to the locked and boarded cyclone fence that surrounds Charity and shuffle off this mortal coil in mass protest. That'll show 'em! Piles of corpses surrounding the building, cough drops and throat lozenges clogging the sewers like so many discarded Mardi Gras doubloons and Moon Pies, rivers of phlegm and mucous running down Tulane Avenue to the river, and in each of our hands a can of LSU brand Chicken Soup with the handwritten message, "It's not working." Is that what it would take for someone in Baton Rouge to finally wake up and do something?

Unless of course, that's exactly what they're waiting for…

What To Do With Dollar Bill

2009-08-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

For the last several hours, (and I'm certain for the next several as well,) Talk Radio has been abuzz with that very question. What sentence should be given to Former Louisiana State Senator/Former Louisiana Congressman/Convicted Felon William Jennings Jefferson? (Check out his Wiki page. They've already added "convicted felon" to it.) The 'Man-In-The-Street' has suggested everything from complete exoneration to the death penalty. I have the answer.

One year in jail for every year he pretended to be working for the people of Louisiana. While he was first elected to public office in 1979 he has only been a federal politician for eighteen years, from 1990 to 2008. The crimes in question come directly from his time spent as a member of the US House of Representatives and that's where my reasoning comes from. Eighteen years. Does he deserve more? Probably, but I think eighteen years is appropriate. He would be 80 at the time of his release.

If he lives that long.

No parole, no time off for good behaviour. Face it, the 'good behaviour' deal is actually geared toward violent offenders. It's a gift if they can manage to act like a human being. Jefferson is not a violent criminal and I don't expect him to start shivving prison guards ten minutes after he is placed in custody. Parole is derived from the French term for "(spoken) word." It became linked to prisoner release as the inmate in question gave their "word of honor" that they would not return to a life of crime. Bill Jefferson? Word of honor? Thank you for applying, next inmate, please.

The airwaves are filled with people who think that anything more than fifteen years would be excessive. Former US Attorney Harry Rosenberg posits that Jefferson will eventually receive between 10-15 years.

Comparisons have been drawn to Edwin Edwards who received ten years in prison for his roles in bribery schemes to award riverboat casino licenses in Louisiana. While the crimes may appear similar, at least Edwards was actually bringing businesses into the state and jobs to his constituents. Jefferson was buying himself and his family into foreign based businesses with no benefit whatsoever to the people he represented.

Comparisons have also been drawn to Bernie Madoff whose Ponzi Scheme siphoned over ten-billion dollars from unsuspecting investors. Madoff received a sentence of 150 years for his shenanigans which some people think is far worse than Jefferson's crimes. They claim that Jefferson never harmed or killed anyone by accepting bribes. I think they're wrong.

While Jefferson never actually pulled a trigger or slit a throat, money that he and his family collected through Federal Government grants intended for the numerous "non-profit" organizations they own ended up lining their own pockets. Money which could have been the difference between a child picking up a pen, brush or math book instead of a gun or a crack pipe. Can you honestly tell me, with a straight face, that Bill Jefferson's actions caused harm to no-one?

For those of you thinking that eighteen years is too light a sentence, remember there's the forfeiture. The thinking here is that Jefferson will end up having to forfeit at least a half a million dollars which he and his family members profited through his shady dealings. I think that's abysmally low. Let's set a precedent and force him to pay back the Federal Government every cent he made from his salary as a congressman. Let's make that the rule of law for any public official convicted of corruption. Jefferson's forfeiture hearing is set for today.

Jefferson's actions have cast doubt on his entire career of "public service" and for that, he should pay dearly and lose his entire paycheck from his "service" on Capitol Hill. That would add just over 2.7 million dollars to his forfeiture, and for Bill Jefferson, a man who worships the all-mighty dollar, that would hurt him more than any prison term.

UPDATE: Jefferson's forfeiture hearing ran its course today, and as expected he will have to cough up over $470 million, plus millions of shares of (now worthless) stock in a (now defunct) Nigerian telecom company. Next up is his sentencing, scheduled for October 30th.

Visit Humid City!

2009-07-29T03:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've not posted much recently. I've been busy. However, I do have a new little post regarding "boutique" land baron and trusted public servant Sean Cummings over at HumidCity! Please visit and if you feel like commenting, do it over there so we can keep all our gripes in one basket.

Toodles!

Vote Now!

2009-07-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

See that little ad next to this post? The one for K+36: the lower ninth? That's my first book and it's entered in the 2009 Blurb Photography Book Now competition. It's up for a People's Choice Award and if you're so inclined, you can vote for it by following this link:

You can also purchase the book from the same page or leave a comment, again, if you're so inclined!

UPDATE: By the way, voting is now closed. Thanks to all who stopped by. You can still use the link to check out the book!

UPDATE: The results are in and there's no easy way to say it… I'm a loser! No matter, I got the book shown to many more people and it helps keep the word out that there are still problems in New Orleans. Luckily, the Steelers won their home opener which decidedly helps to ease the pain.

Thanks to all who helped get the word out and thanks for all your support!

…and that's the way it is…

2009-07-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

Walter Cronkite, the worlds last trustworthy and true journalist, died yesterday. He was 92 years old. Unfortunately, he lived long enough to see Dan Rather and Katie Couric destroy the integrity of the CBS Evening News, reducing it to nothing more than a gossip and rumour-mill.

I have missed Walter since his retirement in the early Eighties. I miss him even more now.

Repose en Paix.

Yeppers, It's A Color Change!

2009-07-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

Since I'm old and going blind I thought I'd make the page a little easier to read for my three fans out there. Enjoy!

Sixty-Eight Brother!

2009-07-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

It's official and the 94th Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is in the books! Sixty-eight hot dogs and buns in ten minutes! World Record for Mister Joey Chestnut and he three-peats, keeping the Mustard Belt in the good ol' US of A for another year! Takeru Kobayashi gave it a good run but only held the lead for a dog or two somewhere in the early twenties. After that it was all Joey.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: God bless America, God bless hot-dogs and God bless Joey Chestnut!

Holiday Hodgepodge!

2009-07-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

Our top story… Generalisimo Francisco Jackson is still dead.
In what is destined to be the hugest waste of time since the coverage of Sarah Palin's Vice-Presidential run, the Death of Michael Jackson continues to fascinate and dazzle the media. Now with Diprivan!! And just a few years ago everyone was calling for Mike's immediate incarceration, castration and execution for being a "weirdo, a freak and a child molester." Now it's all tears and tributes. Sometimes you people sicken me.

Michael Jackson was simply what we all are. A sad, flawed human being, struggling to find happiness in a world that simply doesn't give a shit. Do I think he was a child molester? No. I think he had a severely regressed personality which would not allow him to enter adulthood the way normal people do. Do I think he was the "King of Pop?" No. That was Elvis. It is still Elvis. It will always be Elvis. So do me a favor and bury Michael and the incessant media coverage. It's sad that a person died, but I don't need updates every ten fucking minutes. Thank you.

And speaking of Sarah Palin…
She quit.

Bwah-hah-hah-hah!

In a rambling farewell address that lasted almost as long as her Vice-Presidential run, the Republican dilletante-du-jour threw in the towel. She cited the fact that great changes can be made outside of government as one of her reasons for stepping down. That's nice, but it's usually the type of thing used to motivate the citizenry to get off their asses and participate in events, not sitting governors! Essentially, her statement reads as, "I am so ineffective that I can't do anything, even with the power of a governor."

She cited her decision not to run for re-election as one of the many motivating forces in her decision to resign. According to La Palin, lame-duck politicians are lazy bastards who do nothing but pick up a check at the end of every month. The thing is, to qualify as a "lame-duck," you need to be on your way out. Had you lost a re-election campaign, you would be a "lame-duck," not because you decided not to run. Not only that, but Palin still has a year-and-a-half left on her term!

The media is circulating rumours of impending and ongoing ethics violations as possible reasons for the surprise resignation. Fact is, Sarah Palin is the Alaskan equivalent of New Orleans Mayor C Ray Nagin. She spends almost no time in office, preferring instead to travel the Lower 48 begging for political handouts. And she brings her brood everywhere she goes, paying their way with state money. Each time she travels, someone slaps an ethics complaint against her. Each time the cases are reviewed the outcome is the same: Palin's trip is classified as "state business" but the bill for her family is not covered, so she ends up repaying the state for that portion of her spending. Then she holds a "press conference" explaining that she did nothing wrong. While it's true that she did nothing wrong, it's only because the people of Alaska have to keep after her to pay her share of the bills. She's like the dumbass college roommate who's always mooching off his buddies even though his parents are loaded.

During her vapid farewell, she also quoted General Douglass MacArthur, saying "We are not retreating, just advancing in a different direction." Strong words. Strong, and for Palin as usual, wrong. The actual quote comes from USMC Major General Oliver P Smith and stems from a British reporter asking him about the UN Forces "retreat" from the Chosin Reservoir during the Vietnam War. Smith's reply was, "There can be no retreat when there's no rear. You can't retreat, or even withdraw, when you're surrounded. The only thing you can do is break out, and in order to do that you have to attack, and that is what we're about to do. Heck, all we're doing is attacking in a different direction." Sounds like an admission that she's in way over her head to me.

She also compared herself to wounded war veterans and basketball stars as she tried to explain her actions. Speculation is that she's more concerned with her new million-dollar book deal or a possible 2012 run for, (and this is the part that really makes me giggle,) president!

Bwah-hah-hah-hah!

Call Us When You Get Some Real Weapons!
North Korea fired off a half-dozen or so "Scud-like" missiles while we slept last night. Seriously? "Scud-like?" Weren't those the cheap bottle-rockets that the Sovs foisted off on the Middle East back in the Eighties? You know, the ones that fell apart and failed to detonate when US Forces gave them a stern look? Come on Kim Jong, we know you wanna be a World Class Gangsta Nigga, but Scuds ain't nothing but D Thang. That's D for Derision. Or Dumbass. Or Douchbag, Dope, Dipstick, Dip-tard… the list goes on. Next!

It's about damned time!
Today, the Statue of Liberty opens her crown to the public once again. The crown has been closed since 9/11 and has symbolized the empty-headed policies of the Bush Administration over the last eight years. If President Obama gets nothing else right during his term, I will still be forever grateful to him for this one act.

Gentlemen, Start Your Gastrointestines!
Just a few hours to go until the Nathan's Famous Hot-Dog Eating Contest. We here at the NoM wish good luck to all the entrants, but especially to the 2007 and 2008 Champion, American, Joey Chestnut. Give 'em Hell, Joey!

Now Is The Time…

2009-06-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

…for all good freaks to come to the aid of their Stybby!

Awhile back I entered the "Rename Stride's Ridiculously Long Lasting Mint Flavored Gum Contest" and I made the top ten finalists with 'Mintfinity.' (Clever, eh?) Unfortunately, I recently found a twit who also entered the same name and twittered it out to everyone so I might be sharing the 10K prize with 10K other people. Oh well, here's your chance to make someone rich. Go to stridegum.com and sign up (yeah, I know, I know, btu just use that yahoo account you keep around for stupid contests) then vote for my entry: Mintfinity! Who knows… if I actually win, I might peel off a few hundred for a celebration party!

RNC Report: The Specter of Failure

2009-04-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Got another RNC "Newsletter" today.

Dear Michael,

Wait, I think I get it… This isn't addressed to me; it's just Michael Steele talking to the only person who will listen… himself!

I hope Arlen Specter's party change outrages you. It should for two reasons:

Actually I find it pretty hilarious.

First--Specter claimed it was philosophical--and pointed his finger of blame at Republicans all over America for his defection to the Democrats. He told us all to go jump in the lake today.

Shit, I've been telling you idiots to do that since 1976. Both Republicans and Democrats could use a swim.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a word he said.

Big surprise!

Arlen Specter committed a purely political and self-serving act today. He simply believes he has a better chance of saving his political hide and his job as a Democrat. He loves the title of Senator more than he loves the party--and the principles--that elected him and nurtured him.

Wow. Figured that one out, did you? But do you hear yourself? All you're concerned with is the well-being of the Republican Party, not the country. By your own words you admit that the Republican Party is the most important thing to you, not the country, not the people and not the freedoms which this country was founded on. You guys sound more and more like Joe Stalin each day.

Second--and more importantly--Arlen Specter handed Barack Obama and his band of radical leftists nearly absolute power in the United States Senate. In leaving the Republican Party--and joining the Democrats--he absolutely undercut Republicans' efforts to slow down Obama's radical agenda through the threat of filibuster.

You mean an unbreakable grip on the senate like the Republicans had during the Bush Regime? So, it's OK if you guys have unlimited power, but not anyone else? How tyrannical of you Michael. But think of this: Had the Republican Party been more concerned with the well-being of the country than with that of itself, you idiots wouldn't be in this position in the first place. If you ask me, you guys could use a good twelve-step program and skipping ahead to step eight would be a good start.

Facing defeat in Pennsylvania's 2010 Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record, and an end to his 30 year career in the U.S. Senate, he has peddled his services--and his vote--to the leftist Obama Democrats who aim to remake America with their leftist plan.

Give me a break Mike. Politicians peddle their services every day of the year in one form or another. How many back-room deals have you been a part of since you got into the game? How many times have you voted against your constituents wishes in order to secure a vote from another politician for a deal you had brewing? The only difference here is that Specter is publicly announcing that he's for sale in order to stay in power.

As recently as April 9th, Senator Specter said he would run in the Pennsylvania primary next year as a Republican. Why the sudden change of heart? Clearly, this was an act based on political expediency by a craven politician desperate to keep his Washington power base--not the act of a statesman.

Gosh Mike, would you say the same thing if Nancy Pelosi had decided to become a Republican? No. You'd be tripping all over yourself to welcome her into the fold with open arms, bending over backwards to kiss her ass and carving a marble pedestal to put her on. Unless…
…Say, is this one of those sneaky Republican tricks? You know, send in a spy, make a big fuss over his defection to make it look real and then when the chips are down, blammo! Hundreds of tiny little Republicans begin streaming out of Specter's ass and they slaughter all the Democrats and open the castle gates from the inside?
Nahhh, you're not that smart.

His defection to the Democrat Party puts the Democrats in an almost unstoppable position to pass Obama's destructive agenda of income redistribution, health care nationalization, and a massive expansion of entitlements.

There you go again whining about the Obama Power Monopoly. You guys had one and you blew it. Under the direction of the Republican Party George Bush and his merry band of idiots relaxed and repealed so many financial and corporate restrictions that this country almost imploded. Yes, Obama is fucking things up by spending way too much money, but he has to in order to fix the mess that your party made.

Arlen Specter has put his loyalty to his own political career above his duty to his state and nation.

Just like you do every time you send out these advertisements you call "newsletters." The RNC isn't concerned with healthcare, education, unemployment or any of the other thousand things that citizens worry about every day. All it cares about is feeding its' own dwindling coffers. Perhaps if the RNC began addressing the issues that matter, people might actually start sending you some cash.

You and I have a choice. Some will use Specter's defection as an excuse to fold the tent and give up. I believe that you are not one of those people. When Benedict Arnold defected to the British, George Washington didn't fold the tent and give up either.
He grit his teeth more determined than ever to succeed. That's what I'm asking you to do today.

Yes, but I'm not George Washington. And your inflated comparison is nothing more than the ether you publish it in. This is not the Revolutionary War. Do you realize that your statement above, while intended to paint Specter in a traitorious light, actually paints the Democrats as "Enemy Combatants?" Is that how you truly feel about half of the country? How badly do you want to defeat your enemy, the Democrats? Are you going to shoot them? Capture them and put them in your own private Andersonville? Would you waterboard them?

Join me in this fight by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 right now to build our army of supporters and defeat Democrat candidates like Arlen Specter in next year's elections.
Stand with me. I need your support today.
Sincerely,
Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee
P.S. Michael, we need to respond to Senator Specter's decision to join President Obama's efforts to change America into a European Welfare State. Please help our Party move forward by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to give our Republican leaders & candidates the political muscle they need to resist the Obama-Pelosi-Specter agenda. Thank you.

And there's the usual beggars' request for money. Keep trying Mike. You're not getting better, just funnier!

Dissecting RNC Propaganda

2009-04-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

You don't hear much from the Republicans these days. Unless of course you're on the RNC mailing list. Every week I get a personal message from RNC Chairman Michael Steele asking me to take action to thwart the evil that President Barack Obama does. It's really funny and never fails to teach me about spin with its creative mixture of rhetoric, opinion and the occasional fact thrown in here and there. I thought I'd share one with you.

Dear Michael,

They all start like this. As if Mr Steele is my personal buddy. It's designed to give recipients that 'Wow, he knows my name!' squishy feeling inside, but I know it's just a macro in the mail program that just pastes in the recipients first name. Now that I think of it, It might be funny to sign up as "Shithead Jones" just so I can get e-mails from the RNC that start, "Dear Shithead."

Recently in his speech in France, Barack Obama called America "arrogant." 1 I'm sure the French loved it -- And so did the liberal press.

But who is this president who calls the American people arrogant?

OK, the footnote on this one looks like this:

1 "[A]rrogant." (President Barack Obama, Town Hall, Strasbourg, France, 4/3/09)

Far be it from me to instruct an educated man like Mike, but I'm not sure you can footnote one single word. I mean, there is the question of context. It's as if he said 'doughnut' or 'pistachio.' Really Mike, if you can't provide the whole quote, or at the least a link to it, you may as well not bother with the footnotes. To clarify your point, Obama did indeed use the word 'arrogant' but not about America per se. He used it in reference to the Bush Regime and its attitude to the rest of the world in matters of foreign policy.

This is the same politician whose supporters anointed him "The One" and a candidate who boasted that his election would be remembered as "the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal." 2

Get a grip Mike. You cannot accuse Obama of arrogance on the basis of a nickname give him by other people. Many people call Junior Bush a moron. Does that make it true? And your quote is extraordinarily miselading. Not only does the link connect to a Neo-Con blogger who equates it with Moses parting the Red Sea, your selective editing implies that Obama has delusions of grandeur. Want the truth? He was referring to Global Warming. Want to read the whole quote? Here you go: "The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals." See what I mean about context? Ver, very naughty Michael. And very, very arrogant to think that intelligent people would not see through your clever ruse.

This is the same man who indicated his disdain for small town and working Americans when he said they "cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them," while addressing a group of San Francisco caviar and champagne liberal elitists.

How arrogant is that? Arrogant enough?

Have you ever been to a small town Mr Steele? I've been to plenty. We all remember this statement and the flap that resulted, but guess what? Small Town America does cling to its guns and its God. And they are distrustful and wary of people who aren't like them. It's a sad fact of life, but many communities are extraordinarily insular; small town, big city, you name it. People cling to certain beliefs and seek out like-minded individuals for companionship. This is how neighborhoods, villages, towns, cities and nations are formed. I think the RNC is just miffed at this generalization because it hits too close to home: Guns, God and Fear.

In truth, President Obama seems to champion the twisted "Blame-America First" mentality of the worst of the American left.

More importantly, it shows an absence of wisdom to criticize the United States while on foreign soil, and then join with the Pelosi-Reid Democrats in Congress to do everything possible to end American exceptionalism and create a weak, dependent socialist state patterned after the examples of Europe.

Now this is a masterful combination of button-pressing Mike! Who wrote it for you? Surely you will incite many of the Party Faithful with this one. You make blatant statements designed to anger the "converted" and at the same time salt them with escape clauses for plausible deniabilty. Words like "seems" and "shows" are great fallbacks when you're called to the carpet for being wrong. "Well, we didn't say he was blaming America, we said it seemed like he was."

* He has taken steps towards nationalizing American auto companies; firing executives while leaving in power the same Union Bosses who funded his campaign and helped cripple the U.S.'s manufacturing base.

Yes, unfortunately it does look like we're on a road to Nationalization. But what else are we going to do after the Republican Party allowed the auto companies to run their businesses into the ground? Don't even think of blaming Obama for the mess you and your cronies created with special congressional set-asides and the loosening of emission restrictions.

* He has refused to let financial firms pay back taxpayer-funded bailout loans 3 so he can make them hostages to the whims of the Federal government.

Actually, the banks you refer to do not want to "pay back" the loans. They want to retroactively not accept them in the first place. This is because they wish to continue the risky and immoral practices which caused the financial crisis in the first place. Not only that, but they know when they return the money, the smaller banks which need Federal assistance to stay afloat will look less attractive to customers and this may cause some investors to shift their money to the banks that can afford to pay back the loans. Then as the smaller banks fail, the remaining banks scoop them up at bargain prices.

* As a lawyer, Obama once sued the same financial institutions on behalf of radical groups like ACORN for failing to use leftist social engineering criteria for lending instead of an applicant's ability to repay a loan.

Wow, not even a footnote for this one? Just more buzzwords designed to anger up the Republican blood. Lawyers and leftists and ACORN, OH MY!! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Mike.

* He campaigned on "transparency" and "integrity" in government and then has nominated a rogue gallery of tax evaders, Washington bureaucrats, and lobbyists to run his Administration.

Yay! Mikey finally got one right! Except no one really gives a shit these days. Both Republicans and Democrats have conditioned us to look the other way when it comes to politicians and their foibles. Tax evasion, bribery, adultery, misogyny, pederasty… been there, done that and we really don't care anymore. I mean, I do, but I'm more concerned about you idiots lowering my taxes, fixing my streets and returning pride to the country in which I live. To paraphrase Katharine Hepburn, you can people your bed with sheep for all I care.

* Obama brazenly follows his chief of staff's maxim of "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste...This crisis provides the opportunity for us to do things that you could not do before" 4 to cripple our free markets with massive taxation and spending that wrests away our freedoms and puts even our great-grandchildren in debt.

Uh-huh. Not unlike using a national tragedy to invent a false conflict in order to invade a country which had nothing to do with the tragedy in the hopes of killing the guy that sent assassins after your daddy? Sound familiar Mikey? You can't give Rom Emanuel credit for a strategy invented by Karl Rove. Well, he didn't invent it, but he sure as hell turned it into an art form.

* And now, anyone who dares speak out against or challenge Obama's ultra-liberal agenda, such as the hundreds of thousands of patriots who attended last week's Tea Parties, should expect to be labeled "unhealthy" by this Adminstration. 5 Now, THAT is arrogance!

Again Mikey, sounds familiar… remember how anyone in disagreement with the Bush Regime was automatically labeled Un-American? As for the Tea-baggers being patriots, how so? These were not brave individuals protesting for their beliefs. They were basically actors hired and shepherded by groups run by the RNC and the two Dicks, Armey and Cheney. Don't try to tell me that a summer blockbuster is an independent art film, Mikey, I know the difference. Not only that, but you infer that Obama himself is calling the Tea-Baggers "unhealthy" when in fact it was a comment made by one of his many advisers, David Axelrod. Way to spin the facts, Mikey!

You know that Barack Obama's hubris and charisma conceal the inexperience and lack of wisdom that our country cannot afford in its president.

And though the teleprompter and mainstream media liberals may delay America's realization of the peril the Obama White House portends for our future for a while, the eventual failure of leftist policies and ineffective leadership will not.

So, you'd rather Obama look like an inept, marble-mouthed retard? Well, I suppose after eight years of Junior you've grown accustomed to that. Nice use of the word 'teleprompter' though! With that one word you imply that Obama is not smart enough to make a speech without one and also that the words he reads are not his own. Teleprompters have been around since the 1950's Mike, and before that there were cue cards. We all know that a politician can't make a speech without one these days, Democrat or Republican. I'm just thankful that Obama can use one without stumbling over the words every two sentences and continuously saying "uhhh… errrr…" like his predecessor.

We must be ready when that time comes.

Please help the Republican Party's effort to spread the word about the Democrats' arrogance of power and support GOP Members of Congress as they work to hold the Obama Democrats accountable to the American people, by making a contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the Republican National Committee today.

Your gift will also help support the recruitment and election of principled candidates who will defeat the Democrats in 2009 and 2010 and lay the groundwork for ending Barack Obama's grip on power in 2012. Thank you.

And here we have the real heart of the matter. Greed. Rather than tout policy alternatives or invite people to a discussion on what can be done to fix the myriad of problems we face today, most created by the Republicans, all Mike really wants is our money. The RNC has destroyed the moral and financial fabric of the United States and still has the gall to ask us to feed the beast! Talk about fucking arrogance!

Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

Sincerely? Please. You are the quintessential bum asking for a handout, promising to buy a meal but then heading straight to the liquor store. Sorry, but you can't have my money. Do you know how hard my mother works in order to scrape up enough cash to send me every month so I can live the High Life? You have a job, use your own money.

P.S. Michael, the RNC is working hard to hold back the Obama Democrats' damaging, arrogant power grab -- please take this opportunity right now to support our fight against ineffective leadership and failed legislation by making a secure online contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC today. Thank you.

OMG!! What did I just tell you Mike! Are you deaf or just plain stupid? No money for you, bad puppet!

1 "[A]rrogant." (President Barack Obama, Town Hall, Strasbourg, France, 4/3/09)

2"[T]he moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal." (Sen. Barack Obama, Remarks After The Democrat Primary, St. Paul, MN, 6/3/08)

3"[R]efused to let financial firms pay back taxpayer-funded bailout loans..." (Stuart Varney, "Obama Wants To Control The Banks," The Wall Street Journal, 4/4/09)

4"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste...This crisis provides the opportunity for us to do things that you could not do before." (Gerald F. Seib, "In Crisis, Opportunity For Obama," The Wall Street Journal, 11/21/08)

5"I think any time you have severe economic conditions there is always an element of disaffection that can mutate into something that's unhealthy," (David Axelrod, "Face the Nation" 4/19/09)

This is what passes for footnotes in the RNC these days. Out-of-context, vague quotes sliced thinner than chipped ham. And even though we live in the digital age, there are few actual links to click. The few that are there connect to Party Faithful sites which serve to further obfuscate the true context and meaning of the quotes. If this is the best that Michael Steele and the RNC can do, then the "extreme left-wing" really has nothing to worry about.

Unless stupid people vote.

Uh-oh.

April Ficks

2009-04-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's April Fool's Day here on Earth and the much dreaded quartet of Conficker virii are live and gnawing away at your Windows operating systems like a starving dog on a homeless man's leg. Or at least, they're supposed to be. By the way in case you're wondering, the name Conficker is reported to be a combination of 'configure' and the german 'fick' which means exactly what you think it does.

According to reports on CNN, the virii don't appear to be doing much damage anywhere, or if they are, no one seems to be noticing, however one member of the Conficker Cabal, a group of tech nerds dedicated to stopping the virii and tracking down it's author, some ten million computers have been infected by the insidious worm.

Conficker comes in four flavors dubbed A, B, C and amazingly, D. The virii take advantage of weak spots in the Windows OS and could possibly do one or more of the following: Reset and lockout users from account logins, disabling of Auto Updates and Error Reporting service, slowdown of domain services, LAN congestion, blocking of antivirus software and Windows update services. Guess you guys should have bought a Mac.

Now I know my readers are thinking that I'm making light of a serious situation here, but I'm not. Really. Conficker is such a terrible thing that multi-billion dollar corporate giant Microsoft has offered a $250,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the Conficker author(s). Wow. That's almost a lot of money. They must really almost want that guy caught.

I'd love to sit here and discuss how interseting it is that April 1st marks both the Conficker trigger date and the start of the G-20 summit, but I really need to start chasing down those Confickerers so I can get that reward money. And just so you know Mr Gates, I'm spending most of it on Mac supplies!

Fuck You And The Tax You Rode In On

2009-03-31T04:36:00.000-07:00

Poor little uninsured children across the United States are about to become the recipients of one of the most massive tax increases in the history of this country. THe Federal Government is instituting a sixty-one cent tax on all cigarette packs sold in the US bringing the federal total to one dollar. The extra money is supposed to go to fund the SCHIP. Now, more than ever, people will have more incentive not to insure their children because they know someone else will be footing the bill for them.

Although the tax increase doesn't officially begin until April 1st, (how's that for an implementation date?) savvy retailers have already raised the prices of cancer sticks anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar. That's pure scumbag profit kids. That extra buck isn't going anywhere but in the retailers pockets and you're just forking it over like sheep.

But it doesn't end there. Manufacturers will be raising prices to offset the loss of revenue caused by the increased tax. Yeah, that makes good sense. By mid-summer we should all be paying an average of $7 per pack to feed our addiction. That is if we still continue to support the cancer merchants.

In Louisiana there is a contingent of politicians who know what's best for everyone and are attempting to add an additional eighty cent state tax to the mix which would push the per pack cost to well over eight dollars. Governor Bobby indal says he will veto the tax if it passes the legislature on the grounds that it will affect more poorer people and that's something he wishes to avoid during the Nation's current economic downturn.

Congratulations smoker haters! You have finally taken a huge step in eradicating tobacco from the general populace. You couldn't do it with your second-hand smoke studies, all of which have crumbled under close scrutiny. Finally you found something everyone loves: uninsured babies!! Please! Won't somebody think of the children! Have fun with that. Meanwhile as smokers either quit, or start buying their tobacco from tax-exempt indian reservations, your river of unconstitutional tax dollars will dwindle to a trickle. I can't wait to see the chaos in the future. Oh, and if you thought Black Market smokes were a problem in the past, wait a few months. You've just made cigarettes a worthwhile item for smugglers and the mob again.

As for me, I'm a smoker and if there's one thing I hate more than whiny anti-smokers it's whiny children. And if they're uninsured I hate them even more. Why the hell should I pay for your kids dip/tet? I can't afford my own fucking health insurance and you've got some nerve tapping my pocketbook to balance your shortcomings as a family provider. I'll be visiting the local reservation for my smokes from now on and the extra money I save will be going to whichever bar I happen to be near for my alcohol addiction. I hope there aren't any school zones in between the two!

What's The Point?

2009-03-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

MSNBC has a live vote in progress on whether or not we should remove the motto 'In God We Trust' from our currency. You can vote here. All you Atheists better hurry, you're losing 86% to 14%.

MSNBC offers the choice of: "Yes. It's a violation of the principle of separation of church and state." or "No. The motto has historical and patriotic significance and does nothing to establish a state religion." Apparently, some people who don't believe in God, or believe in another God, don't want our money to mention him. Gosh, I wonder if there might be anything else on our money that might offend some people? Let's take a look and see!

Well on the dollar, there's a portrait of George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. Well, unless you count all the other presidents before him. Washington got the job in 1789 but the United States was actually formed as an entity in 1777 after the Articles of Confederation were ratified. Before George, the presidents of the Congress were Peyton Randolph, Henry Middleton and John Hancock, (Presidents of the Continental Congress as The United Colonies of America,) Hancock again, Henry Laurens, John Jay, Samuel Huntington, (Presidents of the Continental Congress United States of America,) Huntington again, Thomas McKean, John Hanson, Elias Boudinot, Thomas Mifflin, Richard Henry Lee, Hancock again, Nathaniel Gorham, Arthur St Clair and Cyrus Griffin, (all Presidents of the United States In Congress Assembled.) So technically, Washington was our 17th President. Perhaps we should put him on the Seventeen Dollar Bill.

You know, most of our bills have Presidents on them, Ben Franklin being the hundred dollar exception. He was in charge of the Treasury Department for a time. Maybe It's time to change that. We could put our current President on all the bills like some nations do, but I don't know if Barack would look good in green. Hmmm, how about celebrities? Oprah on the $1000, Tom Hanks on the $500, Paris Hilton on the $20, (you know, for the nose candy fans,) and Billy Barty on the One signifying it's the smallest denomination and it's significant rate of shrinkage.

What else is there? On the back is the Great Seal of the United States. Both sides. Think of the seal as a coin. On the front, or obverse, is the US Coat of Arms. That's the eagle clutching thirteen arrows and an olive branch containing thirteen leaves and olives. There are also thirteen stars above the eagles head. The thirteens all symbolize the original colonies, but you don't need me to tell you that. The eagles head is turned toward the olive branch and away from the arrows which, it has been said, represents our nations desire for peace but our willingness to fight. That's a beautiful representation of 200-year old values, but no longer appropriate since George Bush destroyed that message years ago by unlawfully invading another country with falsified 'evidence' that… sorry, I digress. Anyway, let's get rid of that part. Maybe we can sell ad space there! I bet Rupert Murdoch would shell out a fortune to put the FOX "News" logo there!

The other side of the seal is the thirteen tiered pyramid with the spooky eye watching you. That's the Eye of Providence, or God. Looks like you're gonna have to take that out too. Oh, and the words "Annuit Cœptis" which means 'He approves our undertakings.' The "He" there also means God, so I guess that's out too. Under the pyramid are the words "Novus Ordo Seclorum" meaning New Order of the Ages. Who cares. Dump the latin. We need something hip and trendy in that spot. I got it! A scratch off game! Leave the pyramid there and your dollar will be worth exactly one dollar, but you can take a chance and try to turn your one dollar into five, ten or twenty! Replace the Latin crapola with the words: "Deal, Or No Deal!" But beware, under the pyramid might be the actual forty-two cent value of the dollar!

As for the motto, 'In God We Trust,' we should replace it with multiple slogans. Why be pigeonholed with one boring motto? Think of the possibilities. Coke Adds Life! Who Watches The Watchmen? Don't Forget To Vote! Have A Nice Day! Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out! Let's make money FUN again!!

This entire debate stems from the mind of one goofball in Sacramento, CA, Michael Newdow, an atheist who has been trying, (and failing,) to erase every reference to God he comes across. So far, he has failed to remove God from the Pledge of Allegiance, US currency and coinage, and a North Carolina government building. Newdow claims that “The placement of ‘In God We Trust’ on the coins and currency was clearly done for religious purposes and to have religious effects.” Big deal. Does it make your life that horrible, Mikey? Here's an idea, get yourself an ATM card and use that instead of cash. You'll never, ever, have to see the motto! And you can stop bothering everyone else.

Now for you kids out there that believe the motto to be a "historic and patriotic" part of our nation's history. You're wrong. While references to the Almighty have been on our coins and currency in one form or another since 1864, It wasn't until 1955 that Congress required the motto to be emblazoned on all our money, both bill and coin. That was just a year after they crammed the Big Guy into the Pledge, by the way. It was a heady time and I guess we needed to remind everyone we weren't like those Godless Commies. Fifty years is a long time, but not quite the 200+ year tradition everyone thinks is accurate.

As for me? I say let the motto stay. It really isn't hurting anyone and how often do you ever notice it? And right now I have more faith in God than I do in the Federal Reserve, but that can change at any moment…

Run Karen, Run!

2009-03-05T02:39:00.000-08:00

Please?

Desperation

2009-03-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

The Republican Party's token answer to Barack Obama, Chairman Michael Steele, is working hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. Today, I received a desperation e-mail from Mr Steele pleading for money in order to help Minnesota senatorial candidate Norm Coleman continue his destruction of the electoral process.

You may remember last year when the race between Coleman and comedian/political commentarist/candidate Al Franken was so close that a recount was deemed necessary. Initially, Coleman was declared the vote leader by some 200+ votes, but in the recount, certain oddities switched the lead to Franken by a similar margin. At question are over 650 absentee ballots which the Minnesota Supreme Court says were properly rejected due to various reasons. If counted, the absentee ballots would bring Franken's lead down to just 49. Coleman's shysters are also attempting to recount some 150 ballots which were initially counted twice and reinstate another 133 ballots which were counted initially but now cannot be found. I wonder if they looked behind the sofa? I always lose stuff behind the sofa.

So Chairman Steele is out beating the electronic bushes trying to scare up a few dollars for Coleman's recount lawsuit. I suppose this is completely legal, but it just comes off as pathetic and sad. From Steele's letter:

As the former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland and candidate for the U.S. Senate, I’m no stranger to the gutter campaign tactics and shady legal maneuverings of the Left Wing. They don’t fight fair, and they’ll stop at nothing to consolidate the power they crave.

Wow. Strong words there, but it certainly sounds like the Bush Administration tactics used to keep the Republican Party in power over the last eight years. I can see why Mr Steele was chosen to carry the Republican Banner of fear-mongering and deception. He's good at it.

Later, Steele assures party members that had Norm Coleman been on the Hill, "…it would have been much more difficult for Obama and Reid to get the 60 votes they needed to pass their outrageous, pork-laden stimulus package." Nice try Mikey, but you're not even close. Coleman has always been a small cog and no amount of after-the-fact chest-feather puffering will make him the Republican savior. If it weren't for this recount debacle we would all be blissfully unaware of Norm Coleman's existence as we have been for most of his political career.

So, if any of you out there wish to further impede the electoral process, by all means send a small donation of up to $2300, (the legal maximum,) to the Republican Party and tell them you want to help the great state of Minnesota to remain unrepresented in the US Senate for another four to six months. After all, if the citizens of the remaining 49 states don't help out Norm Coleman financially, who the hell will?

The American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan

2009-01-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

Closing Gitmo is an nice move. It's one of the campaign promises Barack Obama made and now must keep whether he wants to or not. Just where he'll disappear George Bush's pet terrorists is left to speculation. Freezing White House salaries? It's about time someone in government took responsibility and pulled their own belts a little tighter. And re-opening the crown of the Statue of Liberty? It's about damn time! Nothing defined the Bush Administration more than the closed and empty head of Lady Liberty.

Eric Holder's confirmation as Attorney General is a week late, but as soon as Holder promises Republicans that he won't come after them for their sins in the previous mis-administration he should be greenlighted.

But this "American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan" thing…

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's set aside the fact that you're following George Bush's lead by throwing money at a problem and hoping it goes away. Let's set aside the fact that even the most conservative estimates are predicting the total cost to exceed two trillion dollars. (Trillion? Fuck, and here I sit wondering whether I should buy bread and cheese or pay the heating bill.)

Let's talk about timing.

Your own financial advisors and the Congressional Budget Office say that only one-third of that money can be spent by the end of 2010 meaning that the "immediate impact" of the plan should be felt somewhere around the start of the 2011 NFL season. Office of Management and Budget director Peter Orszag, former director of the CBO, says that the CBO has only analyzed forty percent of the plan but that seventy-five percent of the money will go directly into the economy in the first 18 months. that's good spin, kids! Do the math and you'll find that seventy-five percent of forty percent works out to just one-third of the proposed $800 billion.

I wonder which programs will get the money first: Medicaid ($87 billion), shiny new alternative energy government cars ($600 million), DTV conversion box coupons ($650 million), upgrading the National Computer Center for the Social Security Administration - anyone see Die Hard 4? ($400 million), Department of Defense research for "green" weapons systems ($350 million) (and that's just for research!), Census Bureau ($1 billion), and the list goes on.

Sure there's some great stuff in there like vocation training and work placement and medical and insurance compensation plans, but almost everything in this bill is geared to trickle down over the next three years. By that time we'll all be working second jobs at Wal•Mart just to pay off the enormous tax-debt created by this one bill. I'm all for "green" tech and nationwide broadband access, but this bill isn't the place for them.

Committee on Appropriations chairman Dave Obey warns us that without the passage of this bill unemployment could rise to twelve percent, but if the bill does pass it will only rise to eight or nine percent. And this is considered Recovery? Sure, in three years we'll be saving thirty percent on our light bill, but that's assuming we're still able to afford the rent. Good luck with that.

To read the bill for yourself, a PDF is available at appropriations.house.gov/pdf/PressSummary01-15-09.pdf

Thank God That's Over With

2009-01-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

Of course I refer to the interminable eight years of botched policies and mis-management from the George Bush administration. Also, the televised coverage of the Barack Obama inauguration which seemed to last almost as long.

I kept wondering if it was a costume event until I realized that the guy dressed like Mr Potter, the evil old wheelchair-bound spider from It's A Wonderful Life, was actually former vice-president Dick Cheney who is apparently being eaten inside-out by cancerous guilt. We reap what we sow, eh?

The Networks had something for everyone. FOX "News" had the always charming Sheppard Smith in-articulating events as they happened with great gusto. From not knowing which helicopter was which, or who rode in what limo, to completely missing the significance of the Yosemite Valley painting hanging in National Statuary Hall. (It's part of the Lincoln theme Shep. See, Lincoln signed the Yosemite Land Grant in order to protect the area. Obama is a big Lincoln fan. See the connection?)

FOX had discussion in great detail about what they referred to as "Obama's Financial Bailout Plan" and how it could make or break him. Interesting. Somehow they failed to remember that it was good ol' George Bush who crafted the 800 billion dollar bailout, the first half of which has disappeared into the pockets of his Wall Street cronies. Obama is simply the executor of the remainder of Bush's last great mistake. Nothing like blinders to help keep your spin on track, eh FOX?

ABC had some decent coverage with Charlie Gibson, (oh, sorry Charlie, it's Charles now since you no longer handle fluff pieces on GMA, right?) and Diane Sawyer taking turns doling out historical facts and trivial snippets. For the most part Gibson stuck to history and Sawyer handled the important things like dress designers and speculation on Michelle Obama's gift to Laura Bush. (It was a pen and journal set according to Gibson.) ABC also had incisive commentary by George Stephanopoulis on how George Bush kept in shape during his tenure as tyrant, only gaining a few pounds in the last eight years. Cool! News I needed to know!

And CBS had Katie Couric.

What really depressed me about the whole thing was that this was the most attended inaugural event in the history of the Presidency. Yeah, OK, I get it. We elected the nation's first black president. Well, half-black, anyway. So it's historical and one would expect a large turnout, but it made me realize that if Obama was white, no one would really give a damn. It would simply be another president taking the Oath of Office. Big deal, right? It made me realize how little the citizenry cares about politics in the first place. No wonder the country is in the shape it's in.

Fiscally, the events surrounding the inauguration cost an estimated 170 million dollars but don't worry kids, only a small part of that money came from your taxes. Most of it came from private donations made by Wall Street movers and shakers. You know, those guys that are currently getting bailed out by the Feds with your hard-earned… oops. Well, perhaps the Feds can recoup some of that with the DVD sales and rentals. As for the Street itself, it plunged over 330 points reportedly because Obama didn't mention anything about them in his first speech. Talk about needy! Hey, wait a minute… what the hell are you people doing trading on Inauguration Day anyway? Not only are you a bunch of whiny bums crying for government handouts, but you don't even bother to pay respect to the new president you're begging from? Classy, really classy.

Chief Justice John Roberts, a Bush appointee, made a minor faux pas as he garbled the Oath of Office. One wonders how many of the nut-jobs who claim Obama is not a citizen will now claim he's not actually president because he didn't take the "real" Oath of Office. Of course, that leads to speculation that Bush instructed his pet to mess it up intentionally, but surely that couldn't be, could it? No, of course not. Any plan like that would have to come from someone with a working brain and real power. Like Dick Cheney. My God, I love a good conspiracy theory! (Well, wonder no more! NBC's Brian Williams just made it official, the nut-jobs are already crying!

As for Obama, one of his first acts of office was to reach out to the Gulf Coast promising to honor the "broken promises" and insure we never again suffer through the "unconscionable ineptitude" of the former administration. (Oooh, burn!) This came in the form of a statement released on the White House website. He also issued orders to cease implementation of many of George Bush's 'Midnight Resoloutions.' You know, those sneaky little laws an outgoing president pushes through when he thinks no one's looking. According to reports, Georgie signed more of those than Billy Clinton, Ronnie Reagan and Daddy Bush combined. Nice try, Georgie, but apparently another failure to add to your scrapbook.

And speaking of the former administration, George and his lovely wife Laura jetted away to their ranch in Crawford, Texas, a place they have clearly missed in the last eight years. Counting vacations spent at Camp David and in Crawford, George and company only managed to get in about three years of rest. Out of eight. Talk about your cushy part-time jobs!

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for one day. Enjoy your retirement George, you certainly earned it. And to the new president, Barack Obama, congratulations! You have a difficult job ahead of you, unraveling the twisted knot of incompetence left behind by your predecessor. No pressure though!

Here We Go Again

2009-01-07T11:22:00.001-08:00

Anyone remember Hurricane Katrina? Anyone remember how quickly New Orleans recovered? Thank the heavens we all learned our lessons so that will never happen again! Or did we? Hurricane Ike struck the Texas Gulf Coast on 9/13/08. For a look at the recovery process you can visit the Flickr stream of darlamw, a Galveston resident who has been documenting everything from the Ike's approach to it's aftermath. The similarities to parts of New Orleans are striking.

Help Holy Cross

2009-01-03T00:33:00.000-08:00

The Holy Cross neighborhood in New Orleans' Lower Ninth Ward is still struggling to recover from Hurricane Katrina. You can follow their progress at helpholycross.org, a blog dealing with all aspects of the neighborhood from arts and culture, civic meetings, rebuilding and remediation, and business and politics. Stop by and visit if you're interested in how a community can work together to rise above adversity.

Bush Presidency Not A Failure!

2008-12-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

According to his two top female advisors, Condoleeza Rice and wife Laura.

Safely ensconced in her 'Stepford,' TX ranch, Laura Bush told FOX 'News' "Do I think the press is fair? No, absolutely not." Regarding those who criticize her husbands' regime as a failure, she said, "Well, I know it's not. And so I don't really feel like I need to respond to people that view it that way." And of course, that's the real problem. The typical Bush response to any fact which does not fit neatly into his world is to ignore it until it goes away, then when it fails to go away, to spin it in some way that makes Incurious George look good. I guess all those years of alcoholism left some residual deniability in George and Laura. Good for them!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice also had a few words about her soon-to-be-former massah: "Generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will."

You know, in the spirit of the New Year I think I'll get the ball rolling here.

Thank you, George W Bush, for concocting false evidence in order to invade a middle eastern country which, while certainly led by a miserable tyrant, had absolutely nothing to do with Al-Quaida, 9/11, WMD's or any other thing you accused them of. They did try to assassinate your Daddy though, so I guess your Texas-sized ego and white-trash mentality makes this a perfectly acceptable Quid Pro Quo. How very Jerry Springer of you!

Thank you, George W Bush, for creating the No Child Left Behind program. Through creative bookkeeping you have managed to hide the fact that illiteracy and dropout rates are higher than ever in this country. By listing dropouts as "transfers" and allowing "certain" children to slide during major testing you have made our Nation's schools look ideally wonderful! Congrdulashens! Wee ar all aweighting the nexx vershen of Webster's Dikshenarry with grate auntissipashen!!

Thank you, George W Bush, for slashing restrictions on corporate pollution. The money saved and stuffed into executive Golden Parachute plans more than makes up for the centuries of tainted land and water our children will have to deal with. But hey, by that time you'll be dead! To use your new favorite phrase… "So what?"

Thank you, George W Bush, for allowing illegal immigrants to pour through our borders like water through an ACE levee. We now have more than enough waiters, maids, gardeners, garbage men and chicken plant workers to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them speak English or pay taxes, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

Thank you, George W Bush, for giving Wall Street the green light to play hard and fast with our money, creating loopholes, tax-dodges and Ponzi schemes which raped the Nation's wallets and further widened the divide between the Haves and Havenots. It's certainly a shame that you couldn't figure out how to get our Social Security money into the stock market though! Maybe next time!

Thank you, George W Bush, for the fiscal bailout programs. We, the people, are so stupid that we could never have found a solution like yours. To fight the spectre of insurmountable debt, your idea is to create more debt! Brilliant!! Hey, I'm going to go bankrupt soon, can I have a couple grand too?

Thank you, George W Bush, for making our National Parks safe to visit once again. Since you eviscerated gun laws people will think twice before drawing down on the average citizen at Yellowstone now, won't they?

Thank you, George W Bush, for your prompt action during Hurricane Katrina. Without your hard work and determination, thousands of people would have been stranded on rooftops and left homeless for years, scattered across the country far from friends and family.

Thank you, George W Bush, for re-popularizing the concept of the oubliette. Your system of secret jails is the perfect place to hide all those crazy school teachers, accountants and gas station owners you picked up after 9/11. And holding them under suspicion without charging them? Brilliant! No need to allow them counsel if they haven't been charged! No wonder there have been no terror attacks "on U.S. soil" during your reign.

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Mission Accomplished" speech. Without that speech, we all would have thought that the War on Iraq was still underway. No, really, thank God that's over! But George, why are our husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and children still dying over there? Any ideas?

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Midnight Regulations" you are feverishly passing in your last days. At your current rate, you should be able to pass more MR's than any other president in the history of this country, including Bill Clinton and your Daddy! With a little elbow grease, you could possibly destroy this country more in your final thirty days than in the previous eight years of your reign. Good luck to you! I'm certain that Big Coal will reward you with many lovely gifts as payback if they haven't already done so.

Gosh George, there's ever so much for us to be thankful for and it's all because of you! You, and you alone, have done what no other tyrant, enemy or foreign power has ever been able to do. You have brought the United States of America to it's knees. And isn't that the best way to fuck someone up the ass?

John Foxx

2008-12-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Carolina Panthers head coach, John Foxx is an asshole. Why? Late in the fourth quarter of the Saints/Panthers game, Foxx chose to instruct his punter to kick a crap shot out of bounds at midfield, thereby ensuring that Saints quarterback Drew Brees would not be able to break Dan Marino's single season passing yard record. Brees came up sixteen yards short. No word yet on whether any money passed between Marino and Foxx. Enjoy your playoffs John and sleep well knowing that the world now knows what a truly contemptible prick you really are.

Iconic Britain Has Finished It's Contest!

2008-12-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

You may remember the Iconic Britain kafuffle from a few months ago. Well, they finally got around to compiling the top 100 British Icons!! Actually, it's really the top 96 Icons since the Beatles, Lady Diana and Breakfast get listed twice, but hey, what's a little redundancy when you're compiling a list of the best aspects of a culture? Curiously, jug ears and bad teeth and the Beckhams did not make the list.

Visit http://www.iconicbritain.co.uk/ to see the top 100 icons. It a laugh riot! Ten categories and ten pictures each. #10 in Art & Culture: British Summers? Buildings & Architecture contains Beefeaters and Red Phone Boxes, neither buildings nor architecture.

My favorite is the category of Great British Holidays. No mention of Guy Fawkes or boxing day, but mostly places where Brits go when they get a holiday. #6 is 'sandcastles at the beach' but the photo is a flower?? Not only that, but above the photo are the words 'INCORRECT IMAGE.' I mean… they paid someone to type in those words, but were too damn lazy to find a picture of a freaking sandcastle? the acronym LMAO comes to mind but I disdain netspeak.

Brits apparently love their morning meals though as 'English Breakfast' ranked 39th overall and 5th in the 'Institutions & Rituals' category but 'Full English Breakfast' ranked 17th overall and 1st in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

The 'News & Current Affairs' category was very interesting. Christmas was listed twice and other 'current affairs' included D-Day, VE Day, Jubilee celebrations from 1977 and 2002, Band Aid and a Princess Di interview from last century. Talk about living in the past!

The 'People' category was a surprise as it actually contained people! Francis Drake was 7th oa and first in the category beating out Elizabeth II (37th oa/2nd cat) and the Queen Mum (66th oa/9th cat.) The Beatles came in 45th overall and 4th in the category which is puzzling since they ranked 69th overall and 7th in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

Princess Di, whose "famous interview" I mentioned earlier, failed to make the people category, but ranked 2nd in 'Style and Fashion' (behind the original Mini) and 86th overall.

'Views & Vistas' (an thinly veiled Microsoft reference?) was filled with famous places like Stonehenge, London, and the White Cliffs of Dover, but curiously included a field of bluebells (76th overall/6th category.) I can see travelers the world over clamoring for plane tickets right now: "C'mon Marge, we gotta go the that field of bluebells!!"

The final category, 'Wildlife' contained some of the most Britishest of Icons I've ever seen: squirrels, butterflies, robins, lambs, ducklings, daffodils, poppies… my goodness, if only the rest of the world had such wonderful flora and fauna!!

Overall, I'd have to say the copyright infringement problems were a small price to pay for this exquisite collection British Icons! Kudos to Iconic Britain, Microsoft and Thin Martian Design for a job… well, done!

LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Classless in Tennessee

2008-12-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

Not content with simply outplaying the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans LenDale White and Keith Bulluck ground a Terrible Towel into the turf with their cleats after Steeler's QB Ben Roethlisberger was intercepted a second time, this for a touchdown. It's a gesture Steeler fans see from many opponents who, lacking the intelligence to celebrate a win graciously, resort to cheap, cowardly theatrics to make a point.

But here's something the little Titans should have thought of. Buy a real Terrible Towel! It's my understanding that NFL players make decent money, but apparently Bulluck and White are strapped for cash as they were desecrating a bootleg knock-off not endorsed by the Steeler organization or the NFL as evidenced by the lack of logos. Hell, it didn't even have the real Terrible Towel logo on it. Are they miserly or just stupid?

My money's on the latter. If they had the least bit of intelligence, they'd remember the last time a player did this, another classless has-been, TJ Houshmandzadeh. TJ desecrated a Terrible Towel in a regular season meeting between the Bengals and Steelers a few years ago and in the post-season rematch, the Steelers broke the Bengals spirit, Quarterback and Superbowl hopes and went on to win the Superbowl in Detroit.

So enjoy your fifteen minutes of infamy Lenny and Keith. I hope you own comfortable couches, you'll be spending five hours on them come February first!

Oh, Those Clever Engineers!

2008-12-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Recently uncovered evidence shows that US Army Corps of Engineer employees are just as stupid as we thought. Evidently some of the very people we entrust our safety to have either a wicked sense of humour, or are incredible assholes, using government equipment to harass and berate the group Levees.org on their blog. One comment went so far as to call us stupid for living here in the first place! From WWL:

While I can see the Corps point, that it's "one" individual, (and we all know it's more than one,) it's still just a small percentage of their workforce. However, when you have one child molester working at your daycare center you don't simply dismiss it. If the individuals responsible for this harassment are off the clock it's simply misuse of government equipment, but if they are on the clock, they are stealing time as well, and guess who pays their salaries?

In my opinion, the Corps casual dismissal of these incidents is yet another slap in the face to the citizens of New Orleans. I urge you to contact the Corps and demand an investigation into these incidents.

Happy Holidays!

2008-11-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

Dateline New Jersey:

A temp worker for Wal•Mart was crushed to death this morning as he opened his store for Black Friday shoppers. According to a co-worker, when the doors were unlocked, the rush of people actually tore the door off it's hinges and it fell on top of the temp worker. In the mad dash for bargains, greedy shoppers simply trampled over the door, killing the worker in the process.

Of course, there may be no way to tell which individuals are responsible. One can only hope that the store video surveillance has clear shots of the morons at the front of the line and police will be able to track them down and bring appropriate murder charges against them.

A statement released by Wal*Mart today mentioned that they take the security and safety of their customers very seriously. That's wonderful, but I notice it mentions nothing about the safety and security of their employees. You learn something new every day, eh?

To the bargain hunters responsible for this senseless murder, I certainly hope the holiday savings were worth the price of a human life.

Happy Holidays.

Blurb Recognizes Genius!

2008-11-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, that's about as humble as I can get at the moment. Just two days after releasing the lower ninth ward: K+36 on Blurb, they contacted me for their Take 5 Tuesday interview on the Blurberati Blog! I'm positively dizzy!

the lower ninth: K+36

2008-11-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Three years in the making, my first book is now available at Blurb

On August 29, 2005 Hurricane Katrina made landfall near the Louisiana/Mississippi border, forever changing the lives of thousands of people. One of the most devastated areas was New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward, submerged beneath millions of gallons of water, in some places by as much as ten feet.

This collection of photographs by M Styborski documents three years of loss and recovery, destruction and rebuilding, and despair and hope in one of New Orleans’ oldest neighborhoods.

The video above highlights a small sample of the 135 photographs contained in the book. The music is the appropriately titled 'House Of Cards' by Final Academy, a band from New Orleans many years ago.

READY, SET, VOTE!

2008-11-04T06:32:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you lazy, lazy people! The polls are open and you're sitting there reading this blog! Well, perhaps it's for the best as there are a few constitutional amendments for the State of Louisiana that you might need to know about before pulling those levers. So let's go!

CA1 (Act 935-SB232) Term limits for members of state boards and commissions
A vote FOR imposes turn limits.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow elected or appointed members of certain state boards and commissions to hold an unlimited number of terms.

The Nation recommends FOR

You know, most of these are college boards and who really gives a damn, but one of the offices is that of the state Public Service Commissioner. If any office needed term limits, I'd think this would be the one.

CA2 (Act 937-SB296), Sets a time limit for calling special sessions
A vote FOR requires that legislators issue a call for a special session at least seven days prior to the start of the session.
A vote AGAINST continues the requirement that legislators issue a call for a special session at least five days prior to the start of the session.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

While this amendment would clarify certain aspects of calling special sessions, it still leaves the issue of signature versus public notification very vague. For instance, language in the Constitution specifically says that the governor or presiding officers “shall issue” the call “five days prior to convening.” But if the proclamation is signed one day and publicized the next a governor could circumvent the advance notice requirement by keeping a signed proclamation secret until publication becomes convenient. Not really a major issue, but why fix a vague law with a slightly less vague law. Vote no and make them get it right next time.

CA3 (Act 931-HB183), Temporary successors for legislators ordered to active military duty
A vote FOR allows the Legislature to appoint a temporary successor for any legislator called away for active military duty if the duty prevents him/her from performing the requirements of the office.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow districts to be without representation if the legislator away called for active service refuses to resign.

The Nation recommends FOR

OK, this is a strange one because it affects only one person. It's authored by District 94's Nick Lorusso who is actually going to be called to active duty near the end of 2008. This amendment will basically ensure representation for D94 while Lorusso serves his country and it also ensures that when his service is up he can return to his seat in the House. I see no harm here and it's actually a good plan to have in place if this situation ever comes up in the future.

CA4 (Act 932-HB420), Louisiana severance taxes to parishes
A vote FOR dedicates additional state severance taxes to the parishes of origin. Use of taxes is restricted. Also dedicates a portion of severance taxes collected on state property to Atchafalaya Basin Conservation Fund.
A vote AGAINST would maintain the maximum amount of $850,000 in severance tax revenues that the state pays to parishes.

The Nation recommends FOR

Severance taxes are monies paid to Parishes to replace natural resources taken (severed) from the Parish. They are intended to pay for things like road and bridge upkeep from wear and tear of the vehicles used to remove the resources. Currently the State is required to return 20% of all severance taxes to the Parish of origin on all removed resources other than sulfur, ignite and timber, but there is a cap set at $850,000 adjusted annually for inflation. The 2009 cap is currently at $875,000. This bill would increase the cap to $1.85 million for 2009 and $2.85 million for 2010 then adjust for inflation each successive year. If the full 20% were paid out last year, Parishes would have recieved $178 million, but due to the caps the payout was only $32 million. That's a lot of money that could be put to good use in some of those Parishes. If passed, this will allocate an estimated additional $26 million to 30 Parishes in 2009 and $46 million in 2010. The remaining Parishes do not generate enough severance taxes to reach even the current cap.

CA5 (Act 933-HB461), transfer of special property tax assessment level
A vote FOR allows homeowners to transfer speical property tax assessment levels to new homes if the local, state or federal government sells or expropriates their property.
A vote AGAINST prohibits homeowners from transferring special property tax assessments to new properties.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

This amendment is intended to give tax breaks mainly to elderly and disabled property owners by transferring low assessments of property taken for government use and transferring it to replacement property which may be in higher tax brackets. Well meant, but then we are left with incredibly inaccurate property tax rolls. Proponents of this amendment say it will affect a minimum of citizens but if this is true, wouldn't a special tax freeze for those individuals be a better solution instead of skewing the rolls?

CA6 (Act 936-SB295), Removes certain restrictions on blighted property
A vote FOR would mean that public authorities would not have to first offer expropriated property back its prior owner before selling the property a third party if the property was taken or removed to eliminate public health or safety threats and was held for less than 30 years. It also eliminates a requirement that the property must be sold by public bid.
A vote AGAINST would maintain re-sale requirements for property taken to remove a threat to public health and safety.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

Now this one scares me. I'm all for the first part which eliminates the requirement to offer the property first to the original scumbags who let it fall into such bad repair that the State had to take it away from them, but the second part, elimination of public bids, scares the living crap out of me. This is a bad, bad idea folks. Without the public bid process, politicians and sharp developers can carve out whole neighborhoods for any purpose they please. And you'll never know about it until it's too late. Can you say gentrification? Can you say corruption?

CA7 (Act 934-HB584), Contributions to post-employment benefit funds
A vote FOR allows public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits to be invested in stocks.
A vote AGAINST would prohibit public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits from being investged in stocks.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

I think this is the absolute worst time to propose this. The last thing we need is for our money to go into a state employee benefit fund that relies on the stock market. You may as well just take the whole fund down to Harrah's and bet it on black.

If you're still here and you want some help with the other choices in front of you today, (and you live in my district,) here you go…

President: Screw the big two, Ron Paul is on the Louisiana ballot for the Louisiana Taxpayers Party. Show the Dem-Reps that you're sick of being porked by the two-party system and vote for Ron! His Veep is Barry Goldwater, Junior!

Senate: Landrieu? Kennedy? No. Not to speak ill of either candidate, but Landrieu is sort of a mouth-breathing dullard and Kennedy is a borderline nutjob, (IMHO,) so let's get Libby with it and pull the handle for Libertarian Richard Fontanesi.

First Congressional District Rep: Jim Harlan, Democrat. No real reason other than Steve Scalise is wasting your tax money on junkets to Alaska to hook-up with Sarah Palin and calling it an "energy summit." Bullcrap. He just wants to attach himself to a nice fat Republican teat. Considering the current climate, a vote for Scalise might just be a huge step backward.

Associate Justice, First Supreme Court District: Jimmy Kuhn, Republican. Let's face it, aside from the Landrieu/Kennedy catfight, this is possibly the ugliest race the state has seen in a long time. Unfortunately there are only two choices here and between Greg Guidry and Jim Kuhn, Kuhn looks to be the better judge.

Public Service Commissioner: Heavy Sigh… John Schwegmann, No Party. I'm sorry, I'm not happy about this, but Eric Skrmetta is too closely associated with outgoing PSC Jay Blossman, Jr. It's widely suspected that Blossman has been in the pockets of his charges and his support of Skrmetta just scares me away. Schwegmann has had the job before, and he knows the territory and that's about all I can say about that.

Lastly, there's the Jefferson Parish 1% sales tax switcheroo. It's been on the books since 1984 and they're trying to say this money will be used for construction and maintenance on sewage, road and drainage projects. Yeah, sure it will. 24 years and it hasn't helped yet. I'm against it oput of sheer spite, but it will probably pass anyway.

So there you have it kids, get out there and make your voice heard! You don't have to agree with me, but if you don't vote, you can't bitch. And bitching is really what elections are all about, isn't it?

Kirby Gee

2008-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Kirby Gee passed away yesterday from apparent heart failure, which is a fucking joke since Kirby had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known. I cannot tell you how miserable I am, as are all those who knew him. We didn't hang out like we used to, but it was always a comfort to know that he was just across town.

If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Kirby's the guy in the center of the last panel. For more info on this shot, read the comments.

For more Kirby memories, visit HumidCity and Ms Mae's.

UPDATE: There will be a second line at 1:30pm Sunday, Nov. 9th from Kirby's house at 520 Lyons to The Club Miss Mae's where a memorial service will be held. All are welcome to attend.

The Sterile Mind Of John LaBruzzo

2008-10-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

Louisiana State Representative John LaBruzzo is back and he's still fighting for welfare correction! You may remember his plan to sterilize "low income" women to "end generational welfare abuse." If not, here's a refresher course: Johnny would have the State pay $1000 to women on welfare if they volunteer to have their tubes tied. He also plans to give tax breaks to the right kind of people, (wealthy, educated people,) if they promise to breed more. What's different now is that LaBruzzo claims to have "overwhelming support" for his plan and he's currently shaping it into legislation for the 2009 session. According to Johnny, he's received "hundreds of e-mails" in support for his plan.

Hundreds! Wow. What does that mean? 200? 500? 666? Let's be nice and say 500, but of course not all of those are going to be from residents of District 81. There are bound to be well-wishers and supporters from nearby areas and across the state, so let's put the number at a generous (I think) 300.

District 81 is an oddly shaped district, (aren't they all?) encompassing Fat City, Old Metairie and Bucktown. According to the most recently updated figures on the LA House website (from the 2000 Census) there are 44,560 residents in the district, 40,465 of which are white. There are 1431 blacks, 1450 Asians, 2822 Hispanics and 1214 others. Wait, Add those up and you get 51,477. So much for the reliability of the Census, eh? Whatever the real numbers are, it's clear that this is a heavily gerrymandered district with respect to race.

Now let's look at the registered voters. The state numbers actually add up correctly to 30,306 registered voters; 27,872 whites, 641 Blacks and 1793 others. There are 10,801 Democrats, 13,746 Republicans and 5759 others. (Congratulations to the state and a gold star for math!)

Now let's put this information to use. 30,306 registered voters versus 300 e-mails. Why that's an amazing 0.98990299 percent! Wow! It's a virtual freaking landslide! Almost a whole percentage point! How impressive! Of course, virtually all of Johnny's co-workers in Baton Rouge think the plan is abhorrent, as does the local Catholic community, but that's just a testament to Johnny's can-do spirit and his will to make the world a little whiter! Sorry, that's a typo, that should read "a little brighter." I wouldn't want anyone to think the Honorable Mr LaBruzzo was a racist.

For those of you who are interested, you can let John LaBruzzo know your thoughts on this matter:

DISTRICT 81 OFFICE
3331 Severn Ave., Ste. 204
Metairie, LA 70002

LEGISLATIVE AIDE
Martha Post

(504)833-7788
(504)212-7644 (Fax)

E-MAIL
larep081@legis.state.la.us

Rudy Is Dead, Long Live Dolemite!

2008-10-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

Rudy Ray Moore died Sunday evening from complications due to diabetes. Moore was best known for his profane comedy and his character 'Dolemite,' but never managed to break into the mainstream as did Redd Foxx. In later years Moore collaborated with Big Daddy Kane, Snoop Dogg and 2 Live Crew. Hurricane Annie could not be reached for comment. Rest in peace, Rudy.

Cheney Fibrillating!

2008-10-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

This just in: US VP Ricardo 'Dick' Cheney has canceled all plans today due to an atrial fibrillation in his heart. This is not, we repeat NOT, a heart attack. It is the technical term for an erratic heartbeat. Sources are divided on the cause. Cheney spokesmen infer that it is Invisible Dick's small attempt at showing solidarity with the erratic campaign strategy of John McCain. Democrats however have released a statement that the fibrillation began when Cheney was informed that Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in fact an African-American and not a Muslim terrorist. The prayers of the Nation of Morons are with the Cheney family today, just as they were way back when he shot that guy in the face.

Tony Clifton Lives!

2008-10-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

Andy Kaufman is still dead.

Read my interview with International Singing Sensation Tony Clifton at Humid City!

Moose And Jughead To Be Friends

2008-10-11T08:18:00.001-07:00

Mister Weatherbee announced today that Moose has been removed from Jugheads' Bully List. Moose has promised not to beat up on the Archies anymore just like he has hundreds of times before, but with Moose's hair trigger and petulant attitude, it's sure to be simply a matter of time before tempers flare once more leading to an hilarious denouement. The deal was brokered by the Riverdale Student Council. Miss Grundy could not be reached for comment.

Jughead apparently wishes to graduate from Riverdale High with one positive notch in his belt and is currently grasping for anything that might make him look good. It certainly won't be easy considering his track record: the New Shoes Incident, the Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme, the Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident and the subsequently mishandled Operation Sparkle, not to mention the rivalry and feud with Central High.

•EDITOR'S NOTE•

We apologize for the confusion, but our newsroom fax line was apparently crossed with the sunday funnies WATS line. For the above story, please replace "Mister Weatherbee" with "The Bush Administration," "Moose" with "Korea," "Jughead's Bully List" with "George Bush's Terror List," and "beat up on the Archies" with "sponsor terrorists".

Also, please replace "Riverdale Student Council" with "State Department," and "Miss Grundy" with "Condoleeza Rice." Further, please replace "graduate from Riverdale High" with "leave the Oval Office," "New Shoes Incident" with "telling people to go shopping after the 9/11 Attack" "Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme" with "Wall Street Bailout," "Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident" with "Hurricane Katrina," "Operation Sparkle" with "Katrina Recovery Plan," and "rivalry and feud with Central High" with "invasion and subjugation of Iraq."

We at the Nation of Morons apologize for any inconvenience.

Palin Guilty, McCain Booed For Honesty

2008-10-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

Just one day after the McCain Campaign absolved and exonerated Sarah Palin from any wrongdoing in the recent Troopergate scandal, (a clear effort to confuse the public by usurping the moment,) the actual Alaskan legislative committee charged with the task of discovering the truth has found that Sarah Palin did, in fact, "unlawfully abuse her authority" (as Governor of Alaska) "in firing the state public safety commissioner."

Palin was found to have overstepped her authority in firing Alaska PSC Walt Monegan for "insubordination." Palin, her husband and her staff made repeated harassing calls to Monegan in an effort to dismiss an Alaska State Trooper, Mike Wooten, that was formerly married to Palins' sister and was in the middle of a vicious 2-year custody battle.

Palin initially welcomed the investigation, stating that she had nothing to hide and would co-operate fully with the 14 member bi-partisan committee. Then the Republican Party bestowed the second-banana-to-be crown on her head and she quickly changed her tune, refusing to answer any questions on the matter and refusing to testify in official proceedings. Palin is now spinning the facts and crying foul because the committee never got to hear her side of the story. I guess not, sweetie. For those of you who think that this is a democratic witch-hunt fueled by the liberal media, the committee consists of four democrats and ten republicans. Oops.

The report states that there were other reasons behind the firing and the family feud was just one piece of a very small puzzle, but that Palin clearly abused the powers of her office. This means that the way is clear for lawsuits and recall petitions. I can't wait to hear the lies that spew forth from her "golly-gee-whiz-Joe-Sixpack" piehole as she tries to squirm her way out of this mess.

And let's not forget John McCain. According to the man himself, he was fully aware of Troopergate when he chose Palin as his nominee but dismissed it on her word that there was no fire beneath the smoke. Really now, are we supposed to believe that? I believe the Republican Party chose Palin and that McCain was forced to go along with that choice as part of the bargain he made to get the nomination. But if McCain did choose her, what does that say about his judgment of character and how can we ever trust it in the White House?

I will credit McCain with one bright shining example of the honest man he used to be. It came in a town hall rally today as a dishevelled and clearly... well, let's just call her confused, woman told McCain that she couldn't trust Obama because he was an Arab. John McCain took the microphone away from her and did his best to hide what looked to be utter disgust as he corrected her by saying, no ma'am, that's wrong. He explained that Obama was a good, honest family man, a citizen of this country, who just happens to have different ideas on how this country should be run. This was met by a stifled, half-hearted, half-round of applause from the audience, but later, when McCain said that Obama could be trusted as President, would make a fine President, the audience booed him unmercifully. He probably killed his campaign right there, but you could see in his eyes that he was truly sickened and saddened by what his campaign has so far accomplished with it's lies regarding Barack Obama.

It was stunning to watch and for one brief moment, I glimpsed the honesty of John McCain that so impressed me over a decade ago. It's a damn shame that man was corrupted by the politics of fear and the slanderous agenda of his own party. I miss him. But then, what the hell do I know?

And A Side Order Of Regions…

2008-10-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has just announced Federal plans to acquire preferred stock in many of the nations still solvent financial institutions. This stock will consist of non-voting shares except in instances where the vote would directly affect the US Government as shareholders. Sources say that up to 300 billion dollars could be used from the 700 billion dollar bailout bill recently slammed through the Senate.

Coupled with the ownership options with insurance companies and mortgage lenders, the Federal Government now holds many Americans in near complete thrall, lock stock and empty barrel. Let's say you bought a home through Fannie Mae, insured it with AIG and do your banking with Regions. The Feds technically own about eighty percent of all that. Does this scare anyone but me?

One Financial Bailout, And A Side Order Of Pork

2008-10-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

Want to know why the US Senate quickly agreed to pass the new version of the Financial Bailout with a 74-25 pass vote? Because they added over $150 BILLION worth of pork to it. Explain to me how this makes sense. I'll wait.

(Whistles Steve Miller's Take The Money And Run.)

I'm still waiting.

(Whistles Pink Floyd's Money)

Yeah, I thought you might have difficulty. So who gets the pork? The new earmarks are for makers of wooden arrows for children, (explain that one to me...) film and television production companies, and litigants in the Exxon Valdez case. Extended earmarks go to rum producers in the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico, the poor countries of Puerto Rico and American Samoa, mining rescue teams and safety equipment, (OK, that one I could let slide,) various Indian tribes, auto racing tracks, the District of Columbia and wool research. You want wool research data? It's hot, itchy, weighs a ton when it gets wet and you douchebags on Capitol Hill pull it down over the public eye way too often. You can slice off some of the hundreds of millions of dollars for wool research and send it my way for that information.

Honestly, I don't have time to research or delve into the details here, but do some digging and you'll see that this is not really a financial bailout, but another attempt at subverting the American political system to benefit a few senators pet lobbyists who happened to be coincidentally hanging around the Senate Chambers just before the bill went to vote.

Have a nice day!

Duke Of Hurl

2008-09-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Attempting to prove that white people can be just as racist and incompetent as Mayor Ray Nagin, state Rep John Labruzzo has opened up his mouth and deposited a stinking pile of vomit on the doorstep of Louisiana. Labruzzo has come up with a plan to pay "poor" people $1000 cash money to tie their tubes, be they male or female. He also wants to give tax breaks to "wealthy, college-educated people" if they promise to breed more. Honestly, words fail me.

Wait, no they don't…

The little white boy from District 81, (yes, the same district that catapulted "former" KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to political power,) says it's because welfare is costing the state too much money. Hmmm, fix the system or the populace, which is easier? Labruzzo claims that this is not racist since more white people are on welfare than other races. Perhaps in his district, which runs from Old Metairie to Bucktown, this is true, but Labruzzo is "still gathering data" so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Johhny says the plan will be completely voluntary. Of course, in a few years when it's not working they can always make it mandatory. Hell, why stop at the tubes. Let's hack off cocks and rip out vaginas. Jesus, Johnny, why bother to even pay for this? Why not just gather up some good ol' boys in the back of a pick-up truck and have a good old fashioned po' folks Krystallnacht. You could wipe out poverty in District 81 with just $1000 worth of shotgun shells! Think of the available housing! Think of the taxes that land could bring in! Think of the glorious rich, white, well-educated suburban landscape you could build!

This is such an incredibly ridiculous proposal that I refuse to devote any more time to it than this: Under Labruzzo's plan, the world would eventually be populated with productive taxpayers like John DuPont, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richey and the Bush Twins and we would never again see another Andrew Carnegie, George Washington Carver or Sister Gertrude Morgan. Think about that next time you're contemplating government sanctioned slaughter you worthless twunt.

In closing, I recommend Mr Labruzzo visit his doctor quickly as it seem that his own internal plumbing is in need of serious attention: The shit spewing forth from his mouth makes me think he's talking out of his ass.

Quack.

2008-09-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Ruth Grace Moulon
1934-2008

Reposer en Paix

Alternative Politics

2008-09-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

OK, so my 2008 Presidential non-campaign is a bust thanks to many states creating a tangle of red tape for write-In candidates, but have no fear, there are alternatives to the Palin/Obama campaigns. While the Big News Media relentlessly force feeds red and blue pills to the country every hour, there is a veritable rainbow of medication out there to cure your election ills. Come with us now, on a journey of discovery, through the world of presidential hopefuls for the 2008 election!

Let's start with Democratic candidate and probable victor, Barack Obama. Obama, the former media darling, has seen his numbers fall in the last week. Even though the choice of Joe Biden as a running mate gave him a much needed boost, he's been staying far below the radar. On the plus side, Obama represents "change" for the way the country is run. On the negative side, his association with racist churches and Chicago criminals make people think twice about him as a viable candidate. Right in the middle is the race card. He's a black man! Ooooh! Scary!

The fact is, he's only half black, and this should really be a strong point for him, bridging the gaps, bringing Americans closer together, but there are idiots out there that simply can't cross that Mason-Dixon line and admit that skin color means nothing. They can't bring themselves to vote for him because that would mean the end of the White Male American power structure. Face it Whitey, you're gonna have to pick your own cotton from now on. Evolve or die.

Next we have the Palin/McCain ticket. I liked McCain a lot in his first run for president. He was a maverick then, but alas, things change. (That must be the change he keeps talking about.) Years ago, when he had Bush on the ropes, the RNC yanked his chain and promised him the '08 nomination if he'd roll over and play dead for Georgie-boy. He did just that. Now, with the addition of Sarah Palin, his campaign is moving forward at breackneck speed, but there's a problem. She overshadows him.

As an example, let's look at recent Fox "News" broadcasts. Palins' speeches are broadcast almost in full. After introducing McCain, Fox cuts away to talk about other "breaking" news, often skipping McCain altogether. And Fox is the Republican mouthpiece! How can you vote for a man whose own party puts him on the back burner in favor of the running mate? Add in the RNC's thinking that women across the nation will somehow ignore the fact that Palin has only one year of governorship under her wing and vote the Republican ticket just because she's a woman… If I were a woman, I'd be incensed. Hell, as a rational, thinking human being it's offensive to me!

Next we have perennial also-ran and Christian conservative Alan Keyes of America's Independent Party. He failed to gain the nomination of the Republican and Constitution parties so he joined up with disgruntled members of California's American Independent Party, themselves a splinter group of the Constitution party. The AIP claims to be the third largest national political party by number of voters, but like the armed forces of the world, there's a serious drop in numbers after the first two groups. Keyes running mate is California pastor and radio announcer Wiley Drake.

Too old-school right-wing? Then how about a hip, new electronic-age party? The Boston Tea Party held their convention online in June of 2008 where they put their trust in Floridian Charles Jay. Jay is a former Libertarian who ran for president in 2004 with the Personal Choice Party. His running mate then was former porn star Marilyn Chambers. Jay, a boxing manager and promoter is running with Thomas L Knapp, a Missouri blogger and editor of the online magazine Rational Review. The Boston Tea Party is composed of disgruntled Libertarians and maintains ties to the Personal Choice Party through their website. Knapp is also a Libertarian candidate for Missouri's Second Congressional District.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to the U.S. Taxpayers Party formed way back in 1992, it turned into the Constitution Party in 1999. The CP also stakes a claim to the third largest political party by number of registered voters but we've already explained the drop from second to third so let's move on to their nominee, another Floridian, Chuck Baldwin. A former Republican, Baldwin is a Baptist Pastor and a sharp critic of the Bush Administration. He opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants and supports the 9/11 Truth Movement. This is his second nomination for president with the Constitution Party. His running mate is attorney and activist Darrell Castle from Memphis, Tennessee. Baldwin seems willing to tell the emperor he has no clothes, which is rare in a politician. I give you this quote from a column he wrote in December, 2007:

"Unfortunately, it has been the Christian Right's blind support for President Bush in particular and the Republican Party in general that has precipitated a glaring and perhaps fatal defect: the Christian Right cannot, or will not, honestly face the real danger confronting these United States. The reason for this blindness is due, in part, to political partisanship or personal aggrandizement. Regardless, the Christian Right is currently devoid of genuine sagacity. On the whole, they fail to understand the issues that are critical to our nation's--and their own--survival."

Jeepers! not only does he use the word 'sagacity,' but he uses it correctly! I don't mean by definition, but in regard to the lack thereof within the Christian Right. Color me impressed!

And then there's the Green Party, such as it is these days. Made up of little separate Green Parties in each state, Ralph Naders' organization has become steeped in disarray since his decision to abandon them in favor of true independent status. Regardless, their nominee is Cynthia McKinney, a former Democratic House Representative and Congresswoman from Georgia. Her running mate is Rosa Clemente, a New York community organizer, journalist and "Hip-Hop activist," whatever that means.

McKinney took Al Gore to task for not having "more than one black person around him at any given time." I suppose she was speaking of Gores' campaign manager, Donna Brazile. She also accuses George Bush of knowing the 9/11 attacks were imminent, but remaining silent because of his father's business ties to bin Laden's construction company through the Carlyle Group. Interesting reading, to say the least.

Next.

You'd think that with "Liberty" stamped all over our collective loose change the Libertarians would have a better time of things during an election year. Guess not. In 2006 the Libertarians ranked 5th behind the Republican, Democratic, Constitution, and Green parties. And they've been around since 1971! For the 2008 contest, they've hoisted former Republican House Rep and Congressman Bob Barr from Georgia. Barr is the epitome of Right-Wing Conservatism; pro-gun, anti-choice, anti-tax, anti-Wiccan and anti-gay. One wonders why the Republicans don't take a closer look at him. Barr's running mate is Wayne Allyn Root who, according to Wiki is a "business mogul, television celebrity, TV producer, best-selling author, and professional sports handicapper." So if they lose, at least he's got that going for him.

It's history lesson time! Remember Prohibition? That dark age between 1919 and 1933 when the only liquor you could find came from a bathtub and was served in dark, secluded speakeasies? Well the Prohibition Party does and they're still fighting to outlaw alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs and "commercial vices," whatever those may be. Amazingly, the Prohibition Party was founded in 1869 and has had a candidate in every presidential election since 1872! The PP fell into disarray in 2003 with the secession of Earl Dodge, their nominee since 1984, and a handful of other members. Legal battles ensued over the funds for the PP and Dodge's newly formed National Prohibition Party whose membership was reportedly limited to less than a dozen individuals.

The historic PP has nominated Gene Amondsen, a landscape painter, woodcarver, minister and activist from Washington State. He was also their candidate in 2004. His running mate is Leroy Pletten of Michigan, also the running mate in 2004. The seceded National Prohibition Party was to nominate Earl Dodge once again, but his death in 2007 caused them to adopt Amondsen as their candidate, however they are pairing him with Dodge's original running mate, Howard Lydick. So if you hate booze and cards, go with Amondsen, but don't be surprised if the Veep's have a no-holds-barred cage fight to see which one gets to serve. (That almost tempts me to vote Prohibition!)

Looking for reform? Try the Reform Party of the United States of America! Founded in 1995 by H Ross Perot, (remember that Giant Sucking Sound?) the only thing this party has been able to reform is their nominee every four years. Perot in 1996, Pat Buchanan in 2000, and Ralph Nader in 2004 are all well known names in politics but the need for change runs so deep these days the Reform Party is going with the flow and floating Tylertown, Mississippi resident Ted Weill. Weill founded his own party, the Independent Party of Mississippi, but in 1997 merged that party with the RP. He is running with Californian Frank McEnulty. It is hoped that the 83 year old Weill will breathe some much needed life into the Reform Party this season. Hey, it could happen…

Speaking of Frank McEnulty, he's also the presidential candidate for the New American Independent Party. Of course, this should not be considered a conflict of interest as he only signed on with the Reform Party in states where the NAIP cannot achieve ballot status. He has yet to choose a running mate but hopes run high that this can be accomplished before the election.

For you liberated social voters, there's the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Formed in 2004 by a splinter cell of the Cold-War era Workers World Party, the PSL is comprised primarily of Marxists from San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Washington, D.C. They have nominated Californian Gloria LaRiva, the WWP nominee in 1992, as their 2008 candidate. LaRiva was also the WWP Veep candidate in 1984, 1988, 1996 and 2000. Other than being a professional candidate, she has Translated a book written by Fidel Castro and produced some direct-to-video documentaries. The PSL Veep candidate is Virginian Eugene Puryear, a student at Howard University and Jesse-Jackson-In-Training. Among the many accomplishments in his young life are marches to free the Jena 6 and marches against the Iraq War.

If LaRiva and Puryear aren't Social enough for you, why not check out Socialist Party USA! (I picture dozens of teens in go-go boots and drab gray jumpsuits doing the Frug to balilaika music.) Although the SPU warns everyone not to confuse them with Eugene V Debs' Socialist Party of America, it's very difficult not to, considering the SPU was formed in 1973 by members of the SPA just as soon as the SPA disbanded. The trouble is that two other groups formed at the same time: the Democratic Socialist Organizing Comittee, (which would become the Democratic Socialists of America in 1982,) and the now defunct People's Party. The SPU apparently got the rights to the SPA's slogan, "Worker's Of The World Unite!" Or did they? As Socialists, the slogan technically would belong to anyone who wanted to use it, eh?

SPU is the only one of the above groups to enter a candidate in the 2008 presidential election with their selection of Brian Moore of Florida. (Moore is also the Liberty Union Party candidate, but don't let that confuse you. The LUP basically just picks the most popular socialist candidate and pretends he's running for them.) Moore, a former Republican, Democrat, Independent and Green Party member became a socialist in 2007 after opponents in previous elections kept calling him one. (Hey, if you can't beat 'em…) Moore is described on the internet as an "elected official" but as far as I can tell, the only elections he's won were in the eighties where he spent three terms on a neighborhood advisory council in Washington, DC. He is also a community organizer, although the communities he's organized are in Bolivia, Panama, and Peru.

Moore's running mate is Stewart Alexander, who once traveled to Israel to connect with his Christian past. Upon arriving, he was arrested for failing to travel in a group, Stewart spent the night in jail before being unceremoniously shipped back to the United States. He was told by the Israeli government that he is no longer welcome in their country in the future. That might hinder him slightly in the Middle East Foreign Policy area.

And if you aren't tired of the Commies yet, there's the Socialist Workers Party. I must admit that the SWP has one of the most interesting candidates. Ever. Róger Calero. Born in Nicaragua, Calero and his family fled to Los Angeles in 1985. And even though he was convicted of felony sale of marijuana in 1988, he obtained his Green Card just five years later in 1990 and is now considered a permanent resident alien. The SWP launched massive protests calling the conviction political harassment and generally annoying the US Government so much that in 2003 it dropped the conviction, released Calero and canceled his upcoming deportation. Now that's the fucking American Dream! His running mate is labor activist Alyson Kennedy from Indianapolis who, by contrast, is simply boring.

Oh, one more thing… since Calero was born in Nicaragua he stands no chance of ever resting his ass in the Oval Office La•Z•Boy, but the little guy has gumption, don't he!

And let's not forget Jack Grimes. (No relation to deceased Simpson's minor character Frank Grimes, that we know of.) Jack has not announced a running mate as yet, but as soon as his United Fascist Union Party picks one, we'll be sure to let you know. Grimes may or may not have co-founded the ARLP, (I tried, but it's so secret no-one knows what it stands for,) with fellow fascist Greg Zuby and may or may not have been kicked out of, or seceded from, the ARLP, depending on which gossip thread you read and/or believe. Both Grimes and Zuby are products of the United States Armed Forces.

Hey, didn't we mention Ralph Nader a few times? We did, but it seems the Party is over for Nader. On February 24, 2008, Green Party founder Ralph Nader officially announced his candidacy on Meet The Press as a true Independent. He is running with San Franciscan Matt Gonzalez, also a former Green Party member. I guess all the fuss and fooferall of other people distract Nader from his ability to rule, whether he has the One Ring or not.

Another true Independent is Transparency advocate Kelcey Wilson who announced his candidacy on his blog. Kelcey is sooooo cute! Not physically, of course, but his website, wilson2008.com, has such funny things on it. Like the eye-straining use of almost every font installed with Windows '98. Or the clever quotation, "The Ends don't justify the means - the means are also ends." What the fuck does that mean! (Or is that, what the fuck does that end?) His site also has a little feature where you can "watch" what he's doing now! 71 days ago, he liked yogurt! 54 days ago he was "totally flabulous!" I must say, I'm totally flimpressed! I guess we know where the flabulous yogurt vote is going.

And there are countless other independents across these United States: performance artist and frequent Jesse Helms target Frank Moore, (as yet unregistered with the Federal Election Comittee,) Ohioan political newcomer Donald K Allen, software engineer and MENSAn Richard Clark, small business exec Jon Greenspon, ad-man Steve Kissing, Nevada professor of logic and capital-letter-lover Brad Lord-Leutwyler, North Carolinan veteran Tom Millican, and minister/author/homemaker Ruth Bryant White, all running hard to be your next president.

So you see, you have alternatives, you have a brain, put the two together and shake up the system! If the next four years suck ass, you have only yourself to blame!

Palin In A Nutshell

2008-09-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

Chuck Todd of NBC recently interviewed former McCain campaign manager Mike Murphy and former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan. After the interview, an NBC employee failed to switch to the next segment. Thanks to Loki of Humid City for posting this!

Enjoy!

Read along if you wish:

Murphy: You know, because I come out of a blue swing state governor world. Engler, Whitman, Tommy Thompson, Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush. And these guys, this is all like, how you win a Texas race, you know, just run it up… And it’s not gonna work.

Noonan: It’s over.

Murphy: Still, McCain can give a version of the Lieberman speech to do himself some good.

NBC’s Chuck Todd: Don't think the Palin pick was insulting to Kay Bailey Hutchinson, too?

Noonan: I saw Kay this morning.

Todd: She's never been comfortable about it.

Murphy: They’re all bummed out.

Todd: I mean, is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?

Noonan: The most qualified? No. I think they went for this, excuse me, political bullshit about narratives and (inaudible) the picture.

Murphy: I totally agree.

Noonan: Every time the Republicans do that because that’s not where they live and it’s not what they’re good at and they blow it.

Murphy: You know what’s really the worst thing about it? The greatness (Noonan: Sorry guys.) of McCain is no cynicism and this is.

Todd: This is cynical… and, and… as you called it, gimmicky.

Of course, Noonan maintains that she meant their segment was over, not the Republican Campaign. Whatever helps you keep your job Peggy. Judging by the gushing praise she lavishes on the "political bullshit" Veep candidate in her recent Wall Street Journal column, she'll be fine.

Did She Just Say…

2008-09-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

Republicans want everyone to leave her family out of it, so I'll refrain from commenting on the first boring fifteen minutes of her speech.

Watching La Palin give her speech. Did she just say "Lay more pipe?"

Wow. No one delivers snide rhetoric like an angry woman. She has some good speech writers, doesn't she? Sounds a lot like the First Ape, except she can actually form complete sentences without going "uhhhmmmmm" every fifth word.

Notice how every state she mentions is a "swing" state? As if the people of Ohio are stupid enough to vote for McCain just because their state was mentioned in a speech on national TV. Well, it is Ohio. OK, it might work...

"Do-Nothing Senate?" You mean the one John McCain is has been a member of since 1987?

OK, now she brings up his military service. There's no way to say this without offending someone but I do not mean this to be cruel, nor do I intend disrespect to John McCain. He fought for our country in one of our most questionable conflicts. He didn't run away and hide, and his patriotism is not in question in my mind. But…

Every time the Republicans bring up McCain's military record, we're supposed to get all teary eyed. His military record is always alluded to as qualifying him for the presidency. Really? He was in Vietnam just a few months before being captured. It seems to me that a better presidential candidate would be someone who didn't get captured. My god, the man crashed three planes in practice! He graduated 5th from the bottom of his class of 899! Enough already!

Crap. Now I missed the end of the words that the RNC writers prepared for her.

Oh well, the RNC is almost over. For those of you who think I'm being too rough on the Repugnicans, (yes, it's a combination of repugnant and republican,) just hold your horses. The debates are coming and I'm sure I'll be more democratic in my ranting then.

What The F...

2008-09-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

Looks like my campaign is getting derailed. I decided to do some research on write-in candidates and it seems the great states of Louisiana and Mississippi do not allow write-in candidates. Most other states require a list of electors to be submitted prior to the election, (sometimes months prior,) in order for write-in votes to be considered valid. Some states also require fees to be paid by the candidate in order for him or her to be deemed acceptable. So much for free elections.

Sorry Joe, but your vote's gone too. Apparently I needed to file Form DS-DE 85 between July 1st and 8th with the Florida Department of Elections. Anyone with me for 2012?

For your educational edification: Write-In Rules By State

We Should Listen To You, Why?

2008-09-03T19:14:00.001-07:00

Did it ever occur to anyone that the Democratic and Republican National Conventions are comprised of speeches given by people deemed too unacceptable to win their respective party nomination? Basically, the biggest losers in the country are all trying to convince us to listen to their advice. Does this make any sense?

Her Dress Is Freaking Blinding Me

2008-09-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Cindy McCain looks green. Very green. Like a bottle of Chartreuse green. Chartreuse is a 920 year old monk liqueur. It's quite potent.

The Sound Of One Flip Flopping

2008-09-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

McCain is committed to running a "campaign based on the issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, April, 2008

"This election is not about issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, September, 2008

Take This Brother, May It Serve You Well

2008-09-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone see McCain in the receiving line on the airport tarmac? He zipped past his own family rather quickly and stopped for a paternal chat with Bristol Palin and her 'fiancé' Levi Johnston. We don't know what was said, but it was probably something like, "Geez kids, I'm really sorry you got outed. It's not my fault, I wanted to run with Joey." You can see it here. (There's a crappy commercial at first, deal with it.) McCain actually looks stiff and uncomfortable hugging his own family but comfortable as all hell hugging his "soulmate," (his words,) Sarah Palin. And watch at the end as McCain hands something to Levi. It's small and fits in the palm of a hand; Levi keeps his fingers clenched around it after the pass. It could simply be a McPalin campaign button, but I'm guessing it was a condom.

Sarah Palin For President!

2008-09-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

I thought John McCain was running for president. You wouldn't know it from his new ad…

And he approved that! It's clear that with the RNC's choice of Palin as a running mate, they have lost their only area of attack on Obama, namely that of experience. Suddenly they are unable to compare and contrast Obama to their own candidate so they substitute the running mate? Did I miss something? Never before in the history of the United States of America have I seen a Veep candidate compared to a Presidential candidate of the opposite party! this is just mind-boggling! This ad is possibly the single greatest example of just how fractured and in disarray the Republican Party is.

Let's take a look at some other examples, shall we?

Until last week, McCain was leaning toward Joe Lieberman as his running mate in order to swing the independent voters, but the Reublican Party refused this choice and forced Palin into the Veep spot. So even though McCain is supposed to be an independent maverick for change, it's clear he's being puppeteered by the RNC. And if you think they're going to take their hand out of his ass if he makes it to the Oval Office, you're too far gone for me to help so you may as well stop reading now.

Instead of choosing a running-mate that could ease partisan tensions, corral thousands of swing votes and build the base of the Republican Party, the RNC is simply preaching to the converted by pushing Palin onto the ticket. The evangalical cats are creaming their jeans over Palin and the hardcore red-staters are finally happy that someone on their party's ticket has a pair of republican balls, but with Palin, the RNC is essentially telling the swing voters, (and pretty much everyone else,) that their voices have been heard and ignored. Here comes more of the same.

(Warning: Typical Male Sexist Comment Imminent) Palin completes McCain by adhering to the Party Canon where he falls short. For example, McCain opposes more offshore drilling in the United States. Palin is absolutely fanatical for more drilling. (Typical Male Sexist Comment in 3… 2… 1…) My goodness, she already has five kids; how much more drilling does she want! OK, OK, I apologize. That was completely unprofessional, but then I don't get paid for this so hard cheese! Back to the rant…

Now I understand that this is Sarah's Big Day and naturally the BNM flies should be buzzing around and about her, but shouldn't there also be someone talking about John McCain? I mean, the above ad not withstanding, he is supposed to be the Republican candidate, isn't he? Add to this, the fact that unlike any other Veep candidate in the history of the United States, the RNC has cloisterd Palin away from the media. No interviews, no sound bites, no nothing. The press releases say that she is working on her speech, but I think it's more a case of the RNC drilling their propaganda more firmly into her head.

In closing, I'd like to share a recent sound bite from Sarah Palin that illustrates just how terrible this choice was. Ignore the stupid Obama endcaps that someone tacked onto the clip, but pay very close attention to Sarah's own words. And enjoy implosion of the Republican Party.

Babygate

2008-09-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, now the entire Republican Party is of the opinion that teenage pregnancy is perfectly acceptable. It's a private matter to be handled by the family. Interesting. Apparently the evangelical right-wing blowhard party now condones underage sex as well as homosexuality and whore-mongering. Who'da thunk?

I'd like to ask a favor of all my Liberal buddies in the Big News Media regarding Bristol Palin and her brand new bundle of stem cells. Shut the fuck up already! The world is quite aware that she's pregnant. The world is quite aware that her mommy, presumptive Veep Sarah Palin, is opposed to sex education. You can draw your own conclusions. Rumours abound that Sarah's son, Track, was born out of wedlock as well. Perhaps it runs in the family. Who cares.

There are thousands of people out there saying, "If she can't control her kids, how can she control the country!" Please join the BNM and STFU as well. Sarah Palin is not Dick Cheney. If McCain manages to win the election, (he won't,) the vice-presidency will once again be a quiet little job consisting of funereal visits and mall openings.

Think about this: The Palins live in Alaska. Other than writing your name in the snow with urine, there's not a lot to do up there so I'm guessing sex is a popular pastime. And before you start whining about the whole underage thing, you better whoa-up and check your facts. The Age Of Consent in Alaska is sixteen, so even if that errant sperm found it's way to Bristol's womb before her seventeenth birthday, there's nothing illegal about it.

And the baby-daddy be takin' care of his bitness. The shotguns are cocked and the wedding is on. I'm sure all the finer Alaskan bridal stores are busy altering their dresses to maternity patterns in the hopes that they'll land the lucrative Palin wedding contract.

What I find interesting that the Republican Party is responsible for keeping Babygate alive. Most democrats are more concerned with silly issues like health care, the illegal war in Iraq, the nosediving economy and global warming. Babygate is a freaking blessing to republicans. "Hey! A distraction to how we've fucked up the country! Let's run with it!" Give me a break.

As I was drifting into the Land of Nod last night, there was an interview with some republican idiot, I don't recall the name, who was asked about Sarah Palin's lack of experience in matters of foreign policy. This clueless bint actually claimed that since Sarah Palin was the governor of the closest American land to Russia, she had plenty of foreign policy experience. Huh? My next door neighbor is a chef. Does that automatically qualify me to run a restaurant?

And these are the people you want running this country? Good luck with that.

For those of you still looking for a presidential candidate, I'll be here when you need me. including myself, I now have a grand total of five write-in votes spanning Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and Pennsylvania. Just a few hundred thousand to go! And remember, my vice-president will be chosen from my supporters and I will move the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms and the DEA under his or her direct control. The job is VICE president, after all.

See you in Washington!

The Return Of The Scapegoat

2008-09-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

I saw four different Michael Brown interviews yesterday. You remember Mike, the FEMA director who was cast as the villain immediately after Katrina. The scapegoat who was handpicked by the Bush Administration to run FEMA and also handpicked by the same administration to take the fall. That's right, that Michael Brown. There were more Michael Brown interviews yesterday than there are Lucy re-runs on TV Land in a night.

I saw him on CNN, Keith Olberman and FOX "News" and he was also interviewed by Hoda Kotb. Each interview contained the same question. Regarding FEMA performance during Gustav as compared to during Katrina, Brown was asked "What is the difference between then and now?" The twat gave different answers every time.

Answer One: Brown claimed the Department of Homeland Security is now properly running and funding FEMA and the agency is no longer hampered by political red tape.

Answer Two: Brown blamed state and local authorities for the mismanagement of their own affairs, essentially messing up his plans.

Answer Three: Brown claimed that this time, people followed orders and evacuated like they were supposed to.

Answer Four: Brown stated that FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within reasonable reach of those who would need them.

Of course he left out the most obvious answer, which is that Mike Brown is no longer in charge of FEMA!

I admit that Brownie was made out as the scapegoat for FEMA's colossal failure in the weeks and months following Hurricane Katrina. My main problem there is that he wasn't the only reason everything went wrong. He had a lot of help fucking up the relief efforts in 2005 but he was the only person to suffer a severe penalty for his inaction. Let's take a look at his answers again:

On the charge that FEMA is now properly run and funded, he is wrong. Small increases have been made to FEMA's budget but it is still woefully under-funded and until the FEMA directorship is once again made a full cabinet position it will continue to be under-staffed and tied up in the red tape of Homeland Security.

Next we have the blame game where Brownie shifts the responsibility to the local pols. There's no question that Governor Kathleen Blanco was in over her head and we all know how Nagin and Broussard cracked under the pressure, but a lot of that pressure came from knocking on a FEMA door that simply wasn't being answered. Mississippi and Alabama had problems with FEMA too, but Brownie didn't call them out as being incompetent. Of course, they were never as vocal as our Louisiana leaders.

The next answer is just plain wrong. Brownie blames the victims for not evacuating. Was he even awake then? Hundreds of thousands of people fled Gulf Coast. It's true that many people stayed, but that was due to the fact that the City of New Orleans promised to take care of them, as did other cities. Big mistake there. This is as offensive to me as when a lawyer blames a rape victim for her assault. For this answer alone, Michael Brown should be sent to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for the rest of his life.

Lastly, Brownie claims FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within easy reach. I got news for you, Brownie… supplies were within reach during Katrina too. You just failed to move them the few miles they needed to go.

Now, there are a few more reasons why Gustav relief is working better than Katrina relief. First, as previously stated, Michael Brown is not a factor. That's a big one, but there's another more obvious reason, and that's the fact that Gustav was simply nowhere near as big a storm as Katrina. Less wind, less rain, less power, less surge, different track, etc, etc… the list goes on.

But there's still another reason why FEMA works better these days and it's a very interesting one. It's because Michael Brown taught the Gulf Coast and the rest of the country that we cannot rely on our government in a crisis. We need to take care of ourselves, much the same way our pioneering forefathers did long ago, before the days of gubmint cheese.

So thank you Brownie. It seems that after all is said and done, you really did do a heckuva job! You may now return to your life of infamy and obscurity, secure in the knowledge that you made difference at least once in your life. And you can stop blaming everyone else for your bad decisions.

Ray-Ray: Wrong Again

2008-09-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin warned people to get out of Gustav's way as it was the "Mother Of All Storms." That may be the Mother Of All Hyperbole considering soon after those words left Ray-Ray's lips, Gustav began weakening. That's all I have to say about Ray-Ray.

OK, not really. And this is going to hurt. A lot.

Ray-Ray, you done good.

You got almost the entire city off their asses and out of harm's way. Granted, I think a lot of motivation came from not wanting to end up like the victims at the Superdome and Morial Convention Center, but still… And you actually got the buses moving out of state with asses in seats! Well done sir! You still don't deserve that fake award given to you by your photography connection, (what a snow job,) but you really accomplished something New Orleans can be proud of this time around. Congratulations.

Now get back to work and fix the Ninth Ward. And Uptown could use repaving while you're at it.

Braithwaite Secure?

2008-09-01T17:33:00.001-07:00

MSNBC's Keith Olberman reports that the situation in Braithewaite is stabilizing. The water, after cresting at nine feet, is now down to a manageable five foot height. According to Lee Cowan, a reporter on the scene, floodgates were opened in the opposite direction so that the water flowed into the marshes instead of into the town. Confused? So am I. "Hey! Waters coming in… open the door backwards so it flows out!" My guess is they're speaking of pumps and not gates, at least not the gates they were seen snadbagging.

Sick To My Stomach

2008-09-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Just clicked past Nancy Grace and threw up a little in my mouth. As usual, the clueless twat was blathering about old news instead of current events. I'm still frrling the ill effects, but I should recover soon.

More Levee Woes

2008-09-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Plaquemines officials will not allow camera crews into the parish but FOX has video of St Bernard officials sandbagging the railroad gate at Dean Drive and St Bernard Parkway. Rising water is washing out the dirt beneath the gate and threatening to flood the Caernarvon area near St Bernard State Park. This is a federally funded levee and the ACE is on-site. I have not been able to pinpoint the location of the Plaquemines sandbagging operations, but one was in close proximity of the FOX cameras and looked to be along the canal running parallel to E Park Blvd. DO NOT QUOTE ME, I MAY BE WRONG. If someone can confirm this it would be apreciated.

FOX "News" just cut to commercial after Sheppard Smith reported that Gustav may have taken more lives in Baton Rouge. Way to milk a fucking ad dollar you cheap whores. When the commercials were over, FOX reported that at least seven more people have died due to high winds, specifically one person in Lafayetee and an elderly couple who evacuated to Baton Rouge. All three died in similar circumstances when high winds blew trees into the homes they were staying in.

Hang On St Christopher

2008-09-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Severe over-topping is threatening the levees in Plaquemines parish at the Clearwater Canal near Braithwaite and also near Scarsdale. Parish President Billy Nungesser is trying to evacuate anyone who may have stayed in Braithwaite by implementing a door to door search.

Naturally, the Big News Media is beginning to lose control as the day wears on. MSNBC is covering the Plaquemines situation even though their entire crew is having difficulty pronouncing simple words like Plaquemines and Jindal. Add to this the fact that MSNBC has no cameras in Braithwaite and is illustrating the story with shots of the Industrial Canal at the height of the storm surge.

CNN had Nungesser on the phone live when they cut him off in to show Laura Bush's heartfelt call for prayer at the Republican National Convention. Upon returning to the line, Wolf Blitzer seemed confused five minutes later when Nungesser was no longer on the line. So Wolf called back. And Nungesser answered. And Nungesser was put on hold again in order to feature Vampirella McCain in her Hillary-orange pantsuit with Transylvanian collar as she spoke at the RNC.

FOX "News" and CNN have crews on the scene as parish workers and volunteers try to stem the rising tide with sandbags, but the water seems to be coming in faster than the bags are going down. What they need are the big army choppers and sandbags used to fill the breaches during Katrina.

David Vitter has surfaced in Baton Rouge, explaining that he was unable to leave the building due to high winds and didn't know the actual situation, but that he had heard there were some trees down in the State Capitol. He then went on to congratulate everyone for a job well done. Exactly what job was done well and who did it is still unclear, as is how Vitter found out about it considering he just explained that he didn't know what was going on.

Not surprisingly, the most on-the-ball broadcaster I've heard from yet is NBC's Brian Williams. After a brief recap of how the city fared in the last twenty-four hours, Williams asked the question, "Does this mean that New Orleans is ready for the 'Big One?'" He answered it, too, saying "No, It means that New Orleans was ready for this storm." And he's damn right about that.

First Ape On The Move

2008-09-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Curious George Bush has taken wing and landed in San Antonio in order to smile and pose for the Big News Media cameras. He glad-handed his way through a team of National Guardsmen, chatting and grinning before returning to Air Force One which is now en route to the White House.

Bush canceled plans to attend the Republican National Convention in order to monitor Hurricane Gustav more closely. I must say he certainly appears to be working hard pumping all those hands. As for his decision to blow off the RNC, I think it's a huge fumble. With the hundreds of reporters in attendance, Bush is missing the perfect vehicle to prove his leadership and speak to the nation about what's going right during this crisis.

His handlers seem to think it would be inappropriate for him to appear at the convention, but honestly, what better venue could he ask for to reassure the country, specifically the Gulf Coast, that the danger is not yet past, but that things are going much better this time around. One more example of just how clueless his administration really is.

On the local side, one CNN reporter found a section of the Upper Ninth floodwall that had crumbled near the base and was allowing water to gush into the area. According to an un-named Army Corpsman, the floodwall is designed to crack and crumble at the bottom in order to ease pressure on the top of the wall.

What The Fuck?

I've been in New Orleans for thirty years and this is the first I've heard of this! Intentionally building weak spots at the bottom? Are you serious? Can someone confirm this, or is this the ACE attempting to snow the media into thinking that all is well?

At any rate, Gustav is now a Cat 1 storm and its eye is bearing down on Baton Rouge. I send prayers and the help of Queen Marie up north and hope you weather the storm with as little damage as possible. There are still a few feeder bands on the way to the Crescent City, but it looks as if these will pass by the end of the night. One bright spot is that they are separated by large bands of clear weather which should allow any accumulated flood waters to drain somewhat in the time between bands.

Gustav Update

2008-09-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

The Mississippi Gulf Coast is once again receiving the brunt of a hurricane as Gustav continues to send high winds and storm surge across Highway 90. Latest videos showed Hwy 90 West under about a foot of water with waves cresting at a height of about three feet. A ten foot surge is slowly moving through Waveland but flooding inside homes is said to be minimal.

In New Orleans, the Industrial Canal levees are holding and the waters have begun subsiding according to FOX "News." There is high water inside the levees where a number of warehouses have flooded, but so far the residential areas of the Upper Ninth remain relatively dry. At one point, an Army Corps of Engineers worker jumped off of a tugboat and into the raging waters in order to secure a large propane tank, (and I mean large; SUV sized large,) which was being slammed into a nearby building. The man was able to return to the tugboat. Check FOX for the video, It's pretty freaking amazing, (except for Geraldo's continued "Is that a perthon? That'th a perthon!") and I expect this guy to be a media darling in the next few days.

On the political front, all the major players are sounding off on Gustav. First Ape George Bush says that the federal government is better prepared than it was during Katrina. Thanks for the info, Georgie. You're doing a heckuva job!

Barack Obama is monitoring the storm while on the campaign trail, cutting speeches short in order to devote more time to the situation in the Gulf of Mexico. Good to know that he's alert, but he's gotta remember that he ain't the Prez yet. Still, it's an incredibly bold statement that he's ready to take charge if the current administration drops the ball again and it adds a sense of leadership to his aura.

John McCain has stated that he knew Bristol Palin was pregnant before he chose her mom, Sarah, as his running mate. McCain representatives also refuted rumours that the pregnancy was announced at the height of Gustav in order to sneak it under the collective conscience of the country. Really? If that's true, why not announce it a day or two earlier or later?

In light of these last two items, I feel comfortable in calling the 2008 Presidential Election for Barack Obama. While John McCain is busy fighting a poorly timed press release regarding the loose morals of his running mates daughter, Obama is showing leadership in a time of real crisis. The only candidate that could possibly beat Obama would be yours truly, and I'm depending on your write-in votes to win. After all, I'm here updating the country, not just "monitoring the situation."

Locally, New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin publicly stated that all looters would go directly to Angola Prison with no temporary stay in the Orleans Parish Prison system. I wonder if that includes city employees who use their City of New Orleans credit cards for food, gas and lodging during their evacuation...

The First Ape Speaks.

2008-09-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, sort of. George Bush strung a few random sentences together just half an hour after arriving at the Austin Emergency HQ. He says that things are going better than they did during Katrina. (I think he actually thought of that himself!) No kidding. He also suggests that people who want to help call the websites for the American Red Cross and Salvation Army after the storm to donate money and time. Does anyone have the websites phone number?

FOX "News" announced that Laura Bush will introduce a film spotlighting the governors of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas during tonights RNC programme. Now that's what I call synergy! Each of those governors is a republican and each is in charge of a Gulf Coast state threatened by Hurricane Gustav. If you had a weather machine you couldn't have scripted it better!

Back to the Industrial Canal: The latest reports involve vessels from Southern Scrap in the Lower Ninth Ward. One barge is allegedly moored by just one line and two other boats are floating free in the canal. Authorities say they have contacted Southern in order to help in securing the vessels before they damage the weaker Upper Ninth floodwall. Even though this sounds scary, FOX cameras have not shown these vessels in the last two hours. The Florida Avenue bridge is down and it is my belief that if these vessels are indeed floating around, it is on the lake side of Florida Avenue.

FOX, News and Priorities

2008-09-01T09:19:00.001-07:00

Much thanks to FOX "News" for interrupting coverage of Hurricane Gustav in order to inform us that presumptive Republican Veep Hottie Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother. The pro-life, family-values candidate says that her seventeen year-old, single daughter, Bristol, who is five months pregnant, is planning to marry the baby-daddy, also a teenager. There is no report on whether Bristol is aware of the wedding plans. Talk about serendipitous timing. I wonder if Sarah will change her tune about teaching sex education in school…

FOX also reports that George Bush and Dick Cheney have canceled their Republican convention speeches for tonight. Laura Bush and Cindy McCain plan to take the stage in their place to beg for prayers and money, thus turning Gustav into a big Republican love-fest.

Currently, I'm watching the FOX "News" broadcast from the Judge Seeber Bridge as water sloshes over the Industrial Canal levees. The levees look strong with no visible stress in evidence. but the water level has risen from 10-feet to 11-feet which is the limit along most of the floodwalls in the area.

George Bush has just arrived in the Austin, TX Emergency HQ, smiling and slapping backs. FOX has just now cut the feed from Austin. Apparently five minutes of the First Ape posing for photo-ops with his texas buddies is enough.

Earlier, CNN interviewed FEMA scapegoat Mike Brown and asked him what was different now compared to three years ago. Brownie skirted the issue, but I can tell you the answer… There's a new sheriff in town and his name ain't Mike Brown!

The Pailn Brood

2008-09-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, she has that certain Tina Fey brainy/hottie thing going on, but who the fuck named her kids? Willow and Piper I can tolerate. Sometimes the only baby name book you can find is the one those hippies left behind the couch. Bristol sounds like the Palins are trying to jump on the urban bandwagon but were too scared to go with London, Paris, Houston, or Madagascar. And finally we come to the boys, Trig and Track. Are you fucking kidding me? Were those her favorite subjects in high school? Compared to these two, the other kids got off easy! I'm all for individualism, but you gotta draw a line somewhere.

Here Comes Hurricanes!

2008-08-31T21:35:00.001-07:00

A little something to sing with the kids until the power comes back. (Better memorize it quick!) From my forthcoming Hurricane Songbook.

Here Comes Hurricanes
(Any ol' version will do, but I wrote it to Elvis')

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane.
Gustav and Hannah and maybe Josephine
Stirrin' up the rain.
Radar's pingin', weathermen singin'
All is battened down tight
Pack your luggage and say your prayers
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
We've got storms all filled with noise
For boys and girls again.
Hear those house frames rattle, prattle,
Oh what a frightening sight
So jump in bed and cover your head
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
They don't care if you're rich or poor
They'll screw you just the same
Hurricanes blow down all Gods children
Brown and yellow and white
So fill your hearts with weatherly fear
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
They'll come around when the news rings out
That it's August once again
Peace on earth may come to all
If we survive one more night
So cross your fingers and clench your toes
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Thought We Could All Use A Chuckle

2008-08-29T23:28:00.001-07:00

The following is a true story.

I escaped a half dozen hungry zomb's the other day:

They were shambling up to me as I was ordering a no-fat, half-caff latte with cocoa, cinnamon and nutmeg. By the time I finished drinking it, they had finally reached my table. (They were so pathetically slow I thought they were the wait-staff!)

I looked up at the girl I perceived to be the head zombie, (her knees were dirty,) and asked if she had heard that Paris Hilton had recently become a zombie.

"Rrrrrry??" She queried.

"Yes, it was on Entertainment Tonight. The Weekend Edition." Said I.

She blinked in disconnect for a moment before asking, "Rrrrw dzzzz Ehhhrrzz rrrrk bngg uhhhh zzzzzmmmmmby?"

I replied that Paris claimed to be enjoying the Zombie Life but positively detested the whole brain eating thing. She told zombie Mary Hart that brains were, "So not hot," and she was going to stick with sushi.

There was a bit of discussion between the zomb's, then the head girl said "Rrrnkooo ehrry rrrrrrch," and they shuffled off in the direction of Andy's on Penn Avenue. (It's a sushi bar.) Stupid trendy zombies. A vampire would have seen through my ruse immediately. Zombies are such twats.

Jackass Alert

2008-08-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

The First Ape is now in town. Air Force One touched down moments ago and birthed its' unholy cargo on the tarmac at Armstrong International Airport, where he was met by Governor Bobby Jindal. Also in attendance; shining examples of public service William Jefferson and Ray Nagin. After the emotionless handshakes, Curious George was met by Saints Drew Brees and Deuce McCallister and given Saints gear which he casually tossed off to an aide. Bush took specific interest in Drew Brees' birthmark which he pointed at, eyes popping, like an utterly clueless and rude twat. He then spent thirty seconds giving a supposedly prestigious award to Dr John Bull before hopping into Marine One and helicoptering off to Jackson Barracks to fill our ears with bullshit.

So if Dr John Bull is so deserving of high praise, (and from what I hear, he is,) why the casual treatment? Curious George left him standing alone like a nobody after he gave him his medal. For someone in desperate need of good press in New Orleans, Georgie Boy certainly found a way to fuck this up completely.

Congratulations go out to ABC affiliate WGNO for being the only station to cover the speech live. I missed the beginning though, as I was making a George Bush sandwich. That's fried bologna smeared with mayonnaise and no bread. Some key points of what I heard in the speech:

Curious George mentioned that tourism is finally back in New Orleans. Yes, it is, but it never left. Possibly the immediate months after the storm there was a lull, but by Mardi Gras, our tourism business was going strong. You can't take credit for something you had no part in. Next.

Georgie also pointed out that health care is back in New Orleans. Umm, no, sorry, it's not. While there are facilities open in town, area hospitals are still severely understaffed, underfunded and overworked. Charity still sits abandoned, like a giant middle finger pointed straight at the bush administration and local politicians who keep dragging their heels. Next.

Georgie applauded the fact that there is "hopeful progress reducing crime in New Orleans." Get a fucking clue. Crime is as bad as it ever was. The only difference is that now the police can watch it happen on TV instead of endangering themselves out on the street. Bush says that he's been told, "over the last six months there have been notable improvements." By who? Nagin? Riley? If so, I challenge Curious George to spend the weekend in the Upper Ninth without his personal escort. Didn't think so.

The faux president touched on how the school system has improved, specifically test scores. Gee, I guess so, since many of the underachieving kids who had low test scores have stopped attending school altogether. That's just common sense.

He spent a few minutes kissing Leah Chase's ass. I guess he wants another freebie meal on our dime. No offense intended to Leah, but we've heard it before. I notice that he didn't mention the brutal slaying of Betsy McDaniel of Betsy's Pancake House. but then, he never ate there, so i guess it was beneath his radar.

He whooped up some hometown cheers when he mentioned that the New Orleans Saints were about to begin a new season in a newly refurbished Superdome. Yay! Except that the refurbishing is now over two years old. Does he ever read a fucking newspaper? not even a sports page?

He praised the fact that many New Orleans religious institutions are reopening. Really? Seems to me that the Archdiocese just closed thirty of them. He must have been thinking of strip clubs.

He closed by telling us all how he's been "honored to work with us" during the recovery and how this being the third anniversary of Katrina, he thought he should swing down here and "tell us what's happened and where we're headed." Well, in the first place, where has he been working with us? Was he in the Lower Ninth rebuilding homes? Did he help to strengthen the levees? Was that George Bush I saw feeding the homeless under the bridge? Or did he mean it was nice funneling a supposed 128 billion dollars to our state to be divided between our politicians and their pet projects like NOAH, Care Unlimited, Central City Adult Education and Orleans Metropolitan Housing?

As for him telling us what happened and where we're headed, we know, all too well. We were here. We're still here. Not in Arizona eating cake. Not in Crawford riding horses. This is reportedly the First Ape's last stop in New Orleans and to that I say, good riddance. Don't let the screen door smack you in the ass on the way out.

The Emperor Has New Clothes

2008-08-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

There's a Curious Tribe in New Orleans. Very curious. While I try to maintain a curmudgeonly negative outlook on life, every so often I get the itch to pass on a positive story. Well, this is one of those times.

Curious Tribe is a group of young New Orleanians whose "mission is to elevate young adults by cultivating a language of creativity through art, fashion, music and culture." That's a pretty steep hill to climb, considering the state of the city these days, but like it says on the CT blog, "A dream is a weapon... Don't wake up!"

So when you get tired of re-reading my glorious rants, hustle on over to Curious Tribe. You just might find some hope for New Orleans!

Eight.

2008-08-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

"I have said before that I don't think he can do the eight, and still believe that. Mind you, if there is any person on the planet who is capable, it is him. It's sad, but I just don't think it will happen." -Ian Thorpe

Thank you for your input. And enjoy your retirement.

Congratulations, Michael!

Give Me Back My Snout!

2008-08-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a cat person, but I love a good dog. Hot dog, that is. Since before I can remember, I've been an absolute hound for Oscar Meyer Beef Franks, boiled, fried, barbecued, or just straight out of the package. As far as meat and meat by-products go, the Oscar Meyer Beef Frank was second only to bacon in my little world. Alas, like truth in advertising and honest politicians, those days are gone forever. Without warning, Oscar Meyer has ruined my life by changing the beef frank, and it's a change for the worse.

In June of 2008, I picked up a package of OMBF's and immediately noticed that something was wrong. The familiar light blue on the label had been replaced by a darker, more ominous shade of blue. Not only that, but the franks themselves were darker too. The usual fleshy hue was gone and I was staring at a dark and ruddy looking set of franks. I checked the rest of the packages, but they were all the same. My first thought was that they looked as if they spent the weekend at the beach. You know how a hot dog darkens if you leave it out for a while? That's what they looked like.

Fuck it, said I. It's Oscar, he wouldn't mess with a good thing. They probably just put too much dye in the mixture.

So I tossed the dogs in my basket and hit the check-out lines and headed home. I dutifully put all my purchases away like a good boy. I straightened the kitchen, rinsed a few dishes left over from breakfast and gave the countertops a quick spritz. I had done a good job and was ready for my reward... hot dogs!

I opened a pack and knew at once I had made a mistake. The smooth texture that once graced the OMBF was gone. In it's place was a rough, unfamiliar texture. This, however, was a small shock compared to the sheer displeasure I experienced when I bit into the hot dog. The old dogs were virtually unyielding to my bite. These new impostors offered resistance! As if they didn't want to be eaten! Not only that, but the smooth, whipped, almost creamy, meat texture inside was gone altogether. Now, inside my mouth, the little individual bits of meat were not even trying to work together. not only that, but there was a little hard chunk of something in there. For lack of a better word, blecch!

But if you think that's bad, the fried ones were worse! See, I usually eat five at a time. One raw while the others cook. As my brain was trying to wrap itself around the offensive taste in my mouth, my nose was sending alarm signals to it. Something was burning. Something that shouldn't have been burning. Something bad.

As many of you know, I'm a longhair. I thought perhaps an errant strand fell too close to the burner on the stove, but this was not the case. It was the hot dogs! As they popped and sizzled in the pan, the odor of burning hair was wafting up from them. And a hint of burning plastic, as well. It wasn't strong, but it was strong enough to notice. Imagine wrapping one of those little green toy army men with a few strands of hair and aiming a magnifying glass at it under the hot summer sun. It was disturbing, to say the least. There is a constant in the meat world, and that is, "Fire makes it good." With the new OMBF, fire makes it nauseating.

So I did some digging. According to DelawareOnline, Kraft Foods, OM's parent company, has changed the beef frank in order to compete with rival Sara Lee's Ball Park Franks. The new product, labeled "Premium" is touted as having no artificial flavors, colors, fillers or by-products. Unfortunately, it contains no taste, flavor or enjoyment, either. This is compounded by the fact that Mario Lopez has been signed as the celebrity spokesman for the new beef franks. A crappy fourth tier semi-celebrity for a crappy product.

Bad move Kraft. In your bid for hot dog domination, you have essentially chased me, and many others, straight to the competition. This brainless move can only be compared to that of Coca-Cola when they rolled out New Coke and consigned their original recipe to the trash bin. And we all know how well that worked out, don't we?

Some time ago, when I was enjoying some OMBF's at work, a vegetarian co-worker asked me how my snout was. "Excuse me?" Her reply, "Snout, Michael, you're eating snout. And hoof, and colon, and bone." It was one of her little anti-meat tirades and I was prepared for it. I replied that if it weren't for hot dogs, people would eat more hamburger, or steak, or bacon, and that would mean more animals slaughtered, and all those leftover parts would have to be put somewhere. As I saw it, hot dog eaters were doing their part to cut down on slaughter and keep the landfills free of nasty animal bits. To my surprise, after some thought, she agreed and I was given her blessing to eat all the hot dogs I wanted. I still plan to do so, but they most assuredly will not be made by Oscar Meyer. Looks like I'm heading to the Ball Park.

Welcome To The Nation, Reginald Peterson!

2008-08-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton faking it for president? Who cares. The McCain camp taking her ad seriously enough to respond to it? Boooooring! The U.S. Darth Vader Olympic Cycling team arrives in China? Old news. Cancer cured by witchcraft? We can only hope and wait. Morons all, yes, but we here at the Nation prefer to blow the horns of those few, those stupid few, who dwell in the 98th percentile of incompetence. Like Reginald Peterson, a 42 year old Jacksonville, Florida man who made urgent calls to 911 regarding his improperly made Subway sandwiches.

Yes folks, sandwiches.

Apparently, after paying around $12 for two subs, Peterson became irate with Subway employees who allegedly forgot to put sauce on his subs. After yelling at the hapless wage slaves, Peterson left the store, sans sammiches, to call 911 in order to have police force the Subway employees to make his sandwiches properly. Upon returning, he found the doors locked. The fact that the Subway now had both his money and his subs further incensed Peterson. He again went to call 911, this time complaining that police were not arriving quickly enough. Police finally arrived during Reggie's third 911 call, only to find him beyond the pale of rationality.

While attempting to sort out the Great Florida Sandwich Fraud of 2008, officers also attempted to explain the correct use of the 911 system to Peterson, to no avail. Peterson became belligerent and abusive toward the officers and was finally arrested and booked with making false 911 calls. According to an AP report, Peterson does not have a phone listing, so it's perfectly reasonable that he would be ignorant of the proper use of 911. No word as yet on the condition of the sandwiches.

Microsoft In Deep

2008-07-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

In an effort to promote it's image search engine, Live Search, Microsoft has hired Thin Martian, a British web design firm, to run it's Iconic Britain photo 'contest.' The buzz was big and bold, attracting Nikon as a major sponsor and prize provider, and reeling in actors Brian Blessed and Joanna Lumley as well as a Nikon rep and a media mogul as judges. The 'contest' is now in the first judging stage, culling entries down to 500 before the final 100 Iconic Britain photos are revealed.

Except the photographers may be unaware that they have entered the contest.

Using Live Search, 'entrants' are asked to look for images representative of Britain. Phone boxes, Stonehenge, steak and kidney pies, bad teeth, that sort of thing. Then, when they find one they feel best represents Britain, they are instructed to submit it to IB, where, if they are lucky, they may win a Nikon Coolpix camera, or even a Nikon DSLR! And that's where the whole thing spirals into a fiery crash.

I was made aware of this contest at the last minute, before it closed, entered my name, 'M Styborski' and there were six of my photos, six of my copyrighted photos, from Flickr. Needless to say, I was dumbfounded. I have never visited Britain. The returned photos are rather odd for a Brit-centric contest as well. A local DJ, a local bartender, one of the Holy Cross Steamboat houses, A dirt road in Rodney, Mississippi and two shots of Bobby Jindal.

In response to claims of copyright infringement, Microsoft has stated that all images returned through Live Search are in the Public Domain, however look through some Flickr groups and you will find that this is not the case. All of my images are explicitly marked "© 'respective year' M Styborski, All rights reserved." Yet they show up as eligible for the contest. Not only that, but the Banner on my Flickr profile, created by Big Huge Labs specifically for display only on my profile page shows up. It is not my property, it belongs to BHL.

Further insulting is the fact that some cockney git, (and I use that as a term of endearment,) can submit one of my copyrighted works to a contest in which I am not allowed to participate in, even if I was inclined to do so. And win a nice camera. He gets a prize, Microsoft gets page hits and contact info and I get nothing. Nowhere in the rules does it say anything about compensation for the image owner, or copyright holder, but in subsequent correspondence from Microsoft's legal representative, I have been assured that they will arrange licensing rights to any copyrighted materials chosen.

Of course, they also claim that any copyrighted image which the owner does not wish to be included in the contest will be removed from the voting as long as the owner contacts them and sends a Notice of Infringement. What this boils down to is that once the final 100 Iconic Britain shots are chose, Microsoft will contact the copyright holders, (of which there should be none since all images are supposed to be in the public domain,) but if the owners do not want their images used, they will be removed and replacement images chosen. So essentially the final winners will actually be a lot of second and third choices, meaning the contest itself is moot.

As to the many people out there who seem to think that people like me are worried for no reason, (the ones who say, "It's a search engine, if you don't want people looking at your photos, don't post them on the web,") It's not a search engine. The original site had two search boxes; one which returned images with copyright and EXIF data attached and linkbacks to the original host site, and the "Submit" search which retured only images, stripped of EXIF and linkbacks and renamed by another party.

I have no problem with search engines; that's how people find me. But the minute the search engine returns an image that does not credit me, it's a violation of the law, and without a linkback, it violates Flickrs API agreements. Essentially they are using my work to promote their brand without compensation. That is theft, and I will not stand idly by while another of my human rights disappears.

The following is my correspondence to date with JK Weston, Microsoft's lead copyright lawyer:

I have recently found out that some of my copyrighted work has appeared on your Iconic Britain contest website. This amazes me because I have never taken a photo in Britain, much less visited. I understand that Microsoft swears all photos returned in the submission search are in the public domain, but this is not the case. Enclosed, please find a screenshot of the works in question. The Escher print is not mine, but the rest are from my Flickr site. Please contact me at your earliest convenience regarding the immediate deletion of my work from your host servers. thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Yours,
M Styborski

Weston's reply:

Dear Mr./Ms. Styborski,

Thank you for your correspondence in relation to this matter.

At Microsoft we take copyright very seriously and endeavour to provide all users of our products with guidance on respecting copyright. However you have informed us that you object to certain of your images being submitted by users and displayed through the competition mechanism and that you do not wish these images to be included in the competition. We appreciate the fact that you have informed us of this situation and want you to be reassured that we will take steps to ensure that each image you have reported to us will not be used again within the competition.

The initial stage of the Iconic Britain competition, in which users submit entries, closes at 1pm on Thursday 31st July, after which we will be compiling all submissions ready for voting prior to the Final 100 reveal on Thursday 14th August. Naturally, we will exclude those images you have notified to us from this voting. Microsoft will obtain the consent of the copyright owner in relation to all images that will be featured on www.iconicbritain.co.uk during the Voting and Reveal stages of the competition.

Sincerely,
J.K. Weston
Legal and Corporate Affairs
Microsoft Corporation USA

I love the skillful way Mr Weston's form letter completely misses the point. My response:

Perhaps I did not make myself clear. My photos have nothing to do with Britain and I did not expect them to be voted on at all. This is not my concern. While I appreciate the form letter, I have read it before from other photographers whose copyright images have been misused by Microsoft's Iconic Britain contest. At the risk of being repetitious, I again ask that you contact me regarding the deletion of my work from your servers. The filenames do not match those on my Flickr site, which leads me to conclude that the works in question have been downloaded and are being illegally hosted by Microsoft and Iconic Britain. If indeed, Microsoft is not responsible for the hosting, I request that you send me the addresses of the sites which your Live Search engine found my works so I can have them removed from those sites. I know for a fact that one image came directly from my Flickr site, as it is a banner from my Flickr profile, created by Big Huge Labs expressly for my use and it has never been posted anywhere else on the internet.

The fact that Live Search returned only six of my 2,663 images on Flickr leads me to believe that Microsoft or Iconic Britain simply fished for a small sampling of interesting photographs in order to have something for the "entrants" to choose from in a hurried, slapdash attempt to market it's search engine. Otherwise, I think that you may have coding problems. Google returns over 7,000 hits for my search of M Styborski. Regardless, the software is not my concern. The misuse of my work is. I thank you for your time and understanding in the quick resolution of this matter.

Now there are two ways these photos could have been returned in the Live Search search:

1) Microsoft/Iconic Britain/Thin Martian downloaded my images, renamed them and is hosting them without my permission, in which case they are guilty of violating the Flickr API and my copyright.

2) Someone else has posted my photos, stripped of the EXIF data, and Microsoft is simply guilty of having pathetic web gurus who couldn't code a proper If/Then/Goto.

As previously mentioned, the BHL banner seems to point the blame directly at MS/IB/TM since the only place it resides is on my Flickr profile.

Add to this, the fact that according to Pro-imaging, Nikon withdrew all support, including the services of Simon Coleman, General Manager, Imaging Division, Nikon UK Ltd who was to be one of the judges. Nikon says it will still honor it's prize commitments, but that due to overwhelming concerns of copyright violation, it will no longer sponsor the competition.

I still have yet to hear from Thin Martian, the British based web designer, about my images and how they came to be stripped of EXIF data and renamed, but I'll keep you informed when and if I ever hear anything. I have visited their website, and I must say, for a "creative" agency, their site is about one step above some of the more basic 'point-and-click' web design software. Clearly Thin Martian bit off much more than it could chew in this instance. Never send a forty-something design school grad to do a twelve year-old Mac owner's job.

I'm sure that this is just the beginning of the storm. Keep in mind that Microsoft hired lawyers away from the US Copyright Office and set them to fine-tuning the Orphan Works Bill which is designed to strip copyrights from older works whose creators can't be found. (And depending upon individual interpretation, could strip copyrights from almost any Image you have.) I'll keep folks updated as best as I can. Until then, let the photographer beware.

UPDATE:
From Pro-Imaging:

Microsoft Corporation Statement

We are grateful to Pro-Imaging for raising its concerns about the use of photographers' works on the Iconic Britain website. Although this was only a short marketing programme, it’s always very important to Microsoft that we respect the intellectual property rights of others. We apologise that we have not lived up to our ordinarily high standards.

We have since taken steps to obtain the rights to use every image to be featured in the subsequent stages of the Iconic Britain competition. We also welcome the invitation by Pro-Imaging to discuss with them best practices when using photographs in similar competitions.

Microsoft Corporation

We have since taken steps to obtain copyright? So, they admit that they didn't care about copyright issues in the first place? Their usual high standards? Similar competitions? They intend to do this again? Amazing, http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifbut incredibly typical.

Update!
I have learned that the Iconic Britain "contest" closed two weeks early. Initially there was speculation that this was due to complaints of photographers around the world, but now the buzz is that someone hacked the website code so that instead of randomly picking a prize winner every hour or so, everyone who submitted a photo won. This supposedly went on for several hours before MS/IB/TM found out and closed the "contest." Microsoft is expected to to send "too bad, you lose" e-mails to anyone who "won" a camera during the last few hours of the "contest."
blog.loquax.co.uk/2008/06/28/msns-iconic-britain-competit...

Update!

I have received Microsoft's reply to my last letter:

Dear Mr./Ms. Styborski,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft regarding http://www.iconicbritain.co.uk and for your follow up comments.

Over the past few days, we have heard from numerous photographers and/or copyright owners. We very much appreciate hearing about your concerns and the opportunity to respond to each of you directly.

The site and associated contest was intended to provide an opportunity, via common search practices, to showcase your work and to have users praise your work by voting it into the contest. In no way was it ever our intention to misappropriate your work, misrepresent its source, or to inappropriately trade on it in any way. Microsoft is a significant holder of intellectual property and we do understand the importance of intellectual property and the need to respect its integrity, whether ours or yours. We take that very seriously and we are genuinely sorry the search feature on the "iconic" site did not live up to our high standards. It was a mistake and we accept full responsibility. We never intended to disrespect you, your works and your rights. Please be assured that your works were never distributed or otherwise used commercially, and all of the images resulting from random searches have been removed from the site and are no longer available for display.

As you know, the voting phase of the contest has been closed . The final phase of the contest, which ends August 14, 2008, will contain only fully licensed images for our users to vote on. If you are interested in participating in this phase, we would appreciate the opportunity to engage in such discussions. Time is of the essence in this regard, so please let us know as soon as possible.

Again, we truly regret the outcome caused by the initial phase of this contest. We hope you will accept our sincere apology and allow us an opportunity to regain your trust.

Sincerely,

J.K. Weston
Legal and Corporate Affairs
Microsoft Corporation, USA

Form letter? No doubt. Sent by robot? Probably, considering I received it at 8:30 PM, meaning it left London at 2:30 AM. Does it make me feel better? Sort of. While Microsoft accepts responsibility for the search engine not working properly, they maintain that my work was not distributed or used commercially, yet state "and all of the images resulting from random searches have been removed from the site and are no longer available for display." So they did indeed hijack images and store them on the IB site. Where do I go from here? I'll have to ponder this.

For more info on this, here are some sites of interest:
Iconic Britain (no longer searchable)
Thin Martian
Other sites covering the debacle:
Pro-Imaging
WebVivant

For Christ's Sake!

2008-07-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

You retards just don't stop, do you? Hot on the heels of my last entry I get another "Pro-Bush" e-mail informing me that "yellow-cake uranium" was found in Iraq and this both vindicates the Bush Administration and proves that Valerie Plame and Joe Wilson were liars. Here is the e-mail:

Christopher Merola
Friday, July 11, 2008
On July 5, 2008, the Associated Press (AP) released a story titled: Secret U.S. mission hauls uranium from Iraq. The opening paragraph is as follows:

The last major remnant of Saddam Hussein's nuclear program – a huge stockpile of concentrated natural uranium – reached a Canadian port Saturday to complete a secret U.S. operation that included a two week airlift from Baghdad and a ship voyage crossing two oceans.

See anything wrong with this picture? We have been hearing from the far-left for more than five years how, "Bush lied." Somehow, that slogan loses its credibility now that 550 metric tons of Saddam's yellowcake, used for nuclear weapon enrichment, has been discovered and shipped to Canada for its new use as nuclear energy.
It appears that American troops found the 550 metric tons of uranium in 2003 after invading Iraq. They had to sit on this information and the uranium itself, for fear of terrorists attempting to steal it. It was guarded and kept safe by our military in a 23,000-acre site with large sand beams surrounding the site.
This is vindication for the Bush administration, having been attacked mercilessly by the liberal media and the far-left pundits on the blogosphere. Now that it is proven that President Bush did not lie about Saddam's nuclear ambitions, one would think the mainstream media would report the story? Once the AP released the story, the mainstream media should have picked it up and broadcast it worldwide.
This never happened, due in large part I believe, to the fact that the mainstream media would have to admit they were wrong about Bush's war motives all along. Thankfully, the AP got it right when it said,

The removal of 550 metric tons of "yellowcake" – the seed material for higher-grade nuclear enrichment – was a significant step toward closing the books on Saddam's nuclear legacy.

Closing the book on Saddam's nuclear legacy? Did Saddam have a nuclear legacy after all? I thought Bush lied? As it turns out, the people who lied were Joe Wilson and his wife.
Valerie Plame engaged in a clear case of nepotism and convinced the CIA to send her husband on a fact finding mission in February 2002, seeking to determine if Saddam Hussein attempted to buy yellowcake from Niger. The CIA and British intelligence believed Saddam contacted Niger for that purpose but needed proof.
During his trip to Niger, Wilson actually interviewed the former prime minister of Niger, Ibrahim Assane Mayaki. Mayaki told Wilson that in June of 1999, an Iraqi delegation expressed interest in "expanding commercial relations" for the purposes of purchasing yellowcake.
Wilson chose to overlook Mayaki's remarks and reported to the CIA that there was no evidence of Hussein wanting to purchase yellowcake from Niger.
However, with British intelligence insisting the claim was true, President Bush used that same claim in his State of the Union address in January of 2003.
Outraged by Bush's insistence that the claim was true, Wilson wrote an op-ed in the New York Times in the summer of 2003 slamming Bush.
Wilson did this in spite of the fact that Mayaki said Saddam did try to buy the yellowcake from Niger. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence disagreed with Wilson and supported Mayaki's claim. This meant nothing to Wilson who was opposed to the Iraq war and thus had ulterior motives in covering up the prime minister's statements.
It was a simple tactic really. If the far-left and their friends in the media could prove Bush lied about Hussein wanting to purchase yellowcake from Niger, it would undermine President Bush's credibility and give them more cause for asking what other "lies" he may have told.
Yet, the real lie came from Wilson, who interpreted his own meaning from the prime minister's statements and concluded all by himself that the claim of Saddam attempting to purchase yellowcake was "unequivocally wrong." Curiously, the CIA sat on this information and did not inform the CIA Director, who sided with Bush on the yellowcake claim. This was made public in a bipartisan Senate Intelligence Committee report in July 2004.
Valerie Plame also engaged in her own lie campaign by spreading the notion that the Bush administration "outed" her as a CIA agent. Never mind that it was Richard Armitage -- no friend of the Bush administration -- who leaked Plame's identity to the press. Never mind that Plame had not been in the field as a CIA agent in some six years.
The truth is, due to their opposition to the war, Joe Wilson, Valerie Plame, the mainstream media and their left-wing friends on the blogosphere engaged in a propaganda campaign to undermine the Bush administration. Now that Saddam's uranium has been made public and is no longer a threat to the world, do you think these aforementioned parties will apologize and admit they were wrong? Don't count on it. The rest of the American people should hear the truth about Saddam's uranium. It is up to you and me to inform them every chance we get.
As far as the anti-war crowd is concerned, the next time they say that,
"Bush lied," we should tell them to, "Have the yellowcake and eat it too."

Copyright © 2008 Salem Web Network. All Rights Reserved.

Here's the deal, kids: Yes, over 500 tons of YCU was found in Iraq. As a matter of fact, it was found by UN weapons inspectors prior to 1991! It was documented, stored and legally possessed by Iraq according to international laws. This has nothing to do with Bush's supposed WMD's or Plame, or Wilson, or Nigeria. It is not weapons grade uranium.

The YCU has been moved to Montreal where it will be used to produce nuclear power. What I'd like to know is, why all the secrecy? Could it be that the Bush Administration didn't want the world to know what deal was made with Canada to obtain the YCU? Where does the money go? And how much of our tax dollars were spent moving an energy source that will not benefit Americans? Who profits here?

I'll tell you who: The Salem Web Network.

They are arguably the world's largest "faith-based" internet company and are owned by Salem Communications, the fifth largest radio network in the U.S., following Clear Channel, Cumulus, Citadel and CBS. For my money, I would disregard anything remotely called "news" from these people as the primary goal of SWN is to, "replicate Salem's leadership position in radio in the digital world."

Huh?

Not save souls. Not promote peace and understanding. Not enrich the lives of human beings throughout God's universe. Just to become a huge self-serving conglomerate by any means necessary. I've read Dante's Inferno folks, and I know exactly where the good folks at Salem will be hanging out. There's plenty of space in the 8th Circle for people like this, and the sooner they get there, the better off we'll all be.

Look At That Big Distracting Thing Over There!

2008-07-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Recently, Republican spin doctors have been sending out cute little e-mails regarding the warmongering nature of the Democratic Party, citing that the last four major wars America has been involved in and the fact that there were Democrats sitting in the Oval Office at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. This is an interesting smear campaign, and one that is a perfect lesson in misdirection.

The spin goes something like this:

U.S. Presidents taking us to WAR
A historical review
(In case you thought that
Republicans were the warmongers)

World War I - 1917: 116,708 KIA
Woodrow Wilson - DEMOCRAT

World War II - 19141: 408,306 KIA
Franklin D Roosevelt - DEMOCRAT

Korean War - 1950: 54,246 KIA
Harry S Truman - DEMOCRAT

Vietnam War - 1965: 58,159 KIA
Lyndon B Johnson - DEMOCRAT

Wow! That's pretty damning evidence there! Can't argue with facts, huh? Especially when the facts aren't even present in the equation. For all you denser kids out there let me drop some truth on ya...

World War I - Woodrow Wilson won his 1916 presidential election by promising to keep us out of the war, which started in 1914. It was only in 1917, two years and eight months later, that a captured telegram from Germany to Mexico, inviting our southern neighbors to invade us, that Wilson regrettably entered our country in the war. Time from entry until vitory: One year and seven months.

World War II - True, Roosevelt took America into our second global conflict. What's missing here is that it was after the Japanese sucker punched us in Hawaii, a full two years and two months after the conflict started. If anything, FDR waited too long to enter the war. Time from entry until vitory: Three years and eight months.

Korea - Our entrance into Korea was not designed by Harry Truman. We were already there and we were fired on first. The initial role of U.S. Troops was as observers and peace keepers, but due to tension of the Cold War, support of North Korea by the USSR, and constant attacks on our personnel, we had little choice but to defend ourselves and escalation was only a matter of time. From our entrance to the stalemate: Three Years.

Vietnam - Begun in 1959, U.S. troops were largely kept out of Vietnam until 1965 when we entered the conflict officially. By this time, the face of war had changed drastically. No longer could we send in troops, hand the enemy an ass-whooping, and walk out. Vietnam dragged on for eight years before we began pulling our troops out in large numbers; the first time we ever staged a withdrawal without a full victory, thanks to Republican Richard M Nixon. I don't fault him or the Republican party though. We were clearly in an untenable situation and retreat was the only vialble option.

In all four cases, U.S. involvement was provoked and began as defense of either our own lands or the lands of our allies who were being slaughtered by aggressive tyrants bent on domination by subjugation. Compare this to the current Iraq conflict, the only war started by America other than our own internal conflict, the Civil War, (unless you count that Manifest Destiny bullshit where we slaughtered American Indians, stole their land and wrapped it up in a bow to ease our own conscience,) instigated by Republicans, fueled by Republican fear-mongering and outright lies, and kept alive by Republicans continually changing the conditions for victory. But that statement isn't really fair; there are Republicans out there who are against the war and had nothing to do with it in the first place.

The real blame lies squarely at the feet of President George W Bush. True, he's not smart enough to have concocted the war on his own, he had plenty of people to do that for him; Libby, Wolfowitz and Cheney to name the major players, but as President, he should have had the balls to stare them down and do what was right and decent for this country and for the world. He had the power to stop it. He had the power to make sure our forces were aimed at the right targets. He failed. Miserably.

So here we are, five years later, mired in a losing battle and there are people out there e-mailing bullshit in order to make the current administration look better. While I don't begrudge them the right to try, (I still respect freedom of speech, unlike the current administration,) I do take umbrage at the cavalier disregard of facts, especially when our family members are half a world away taking bullets for oil. Oh yes, the oil! Did you ever wonder how we managed to win two World Wars with less technology and money than we presently have and in less time than the current war has been going on? Think about it. And when you're done thinking, do something about it.

This has been a Public Service Rant form the Nation of Morons. We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast day.

Welcome To The Nation, Orleans Parish Voters!

2008-07-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

You have just been scammed by the Orleans Parish School Board, once again. Todays' millage renewal vote, which is on track to pass with 80% of the vote, will continue to do absolutely nothing to educate your children. The $32 million renewal will supposedly give $18 million to teachers, (not a raise, but it stops a possible pay cut,) and $4 million for books and supplies. The rest of the money goes for vaguely defined programs such as "safety concerns" and "student retention."

The OPSB swears that this money is needed to finance school repairs, avoid teacher pay cuts and educate children. There are a few problems. There are less schools in Orleans now than there were Pre-Katrina. This means less teachers and less students, so why do they still need this much money? Whatever they were doing with this money before was obviously ineffective as evidenced by the state of the Orleans school system, so why continue the funding. Also, if the millages failed to pass, teacher pay would remain unaffected! It would be up to the House and Senate to decide on a pay cut and there is virtually no way they would dare to even suggest that after the recent SB 672 fiasco. And regarding the claim that the money will be used to fix our broken down school buildings...? They've been getting this money for twenty years and the buildings just get worse.

Now before you start pelting me with rotten apples, I agree that we need to fund our schools, but this vote was based on misdirection and scare tactics. The Katrina damage is covered by federal and state money. Whether this money is sitting in banks waiting to be spent or tied up in red tape, I don't know, but we don't need the millage for this. As for the threat of teacher pay cuts, why not take the millions of dollars being given out as school vouchers and use that? The more children pulled out of public schools, the less effective they become. Next year, the voucher program will be pointed to as a great success, it will be expanded, more children will leave public schools and the remaining children will be pointed to as examples of an anemic, broken educational system in need of more funding, which you will of course run to the polls to vote for. It's a scam, people. Open your eyes.

By the way, this post is only directed toward the less than 10% of you who bothered to vote. I won't even acknowledge the 90% of you who were too busy sleeping in to get off your fat, lazy asses to vote.

Happy Holidays (In July!)

2008-07-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

After some searching, I managed to dig up one of the funniest holiday songs ever made. It's from a short-lived HBO series called "Hardcore TV" and I hope you enjoy it!

Hardcore TV - The Dreidle Song (Happy Hanukkah!)

This Could Work...

2008-07-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Unverified, but still... it's worth thinking about.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building Washington DC , 20510 Phone (202)224-3254

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington , IA

Get your Forms NOW!! Call your Internal Revenue Service at
1-800-289-1040.

Thanks for forwarding, JAUG!

The Day Just Gets Better

2008-07-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

Longtime senator and hate-monger Jesse Helms has finally died. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I don't know the details, nor do I care, it's just reassuring to know that evil people eventually die too.

It's Official!

2008-07-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

Joey Chestnut wins the celebrated Nathan's Famous Mustard Belt for the second year in a row! Faced with the challenge of proving last years win was no fluke, Chestnut stepped up to the plate and downed 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Yes, ten minutes, the original time limit has returned. But it wasn't easy as former 6-time champion Takeru Kobayashi "tied" the 59-pup mark as time ran out. I place "tied" in quotations as anyone who witnessed the event can tell you, Kobayashi still had bun in his hands which he was allowed to finish as time ran out.

Bullshit.

The rules clearly state that if it's in your mouth as time runs out it counts; if it comes out, it doesn't. But I guess after trying to eat his own vomit from his hands last year this was small potatoes. So there we stood, watching the first ever Nathan's Famous "tie."

It was a short 5-pup Dog Off and in less than a minute-and-a-half Joey Chestnut had proven himself as the world's champion once again. The fireworks rang out, eagles soared overhead, red, white and blue banners unfurled, and trumpets bleated out 'God Bless America!' The Mustard Belt remained here in these United States where it's suposed to be.

God bless Joey Chestnut, God bless hot-dogs and God bless America!

I Will Be Dipped In Shit

2008-06-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you North of the Mason-Dixon line, that's a colloquialism used in some parts of the South to express incredulity and disbelief. I use it here as I have just learned that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has vetoed SB 672, the little bill that would have given state legislators a 200+% pay raise.

Veto. Starts with a 'V' just like Victory.

In a press conference today, Jindal said both legislators and he made mistakes; theirs in giving themselves such an absurd raise and his promise to stay out of the whole mess in the first place. Hell must be having a great big snowball fight right about now. The people won one. There was no mention of Ryan Fournier's recall petition for Jindal, which has now been dropped.

The crayon-wielding, Benz-driving "author" of the bill, Ann V Duplessis, (Does the V stand for Veto?,) says she is "extremely disappointed" that Jindal "broke his word to the legislature." What she really means is that she's pissed off that he kept his word to the voters. Jim Tucker grumbled something about how the legislature needs to be fixed. No word on whether this means he plans to have his political opponents whacked. His recall is still ongoing though.

This is a day to raise a glass and toast to the will of the people, so I won't go into the recent 'mysterious' resignation of Tommy Williams, the former lobbyist tapped by Jindal to be his legislative director but lasting only six short months, nor will I go into how Jindal's Chief of Staff, (and former campaign manager,) Timmy Teepell managed to help Williams create this mess in the first place. The fashionably shaved "Timmy" was the guy responsible for screwing up Jindal's campaign finances, then not reporting the errors, then not paying the fines on time. Apparently he's also a really big Hannah Montana fan. While Bobby was calling for reform, "Timmy" was busy making phone calls arranging for free HM tickets. He even commandeered the Governor's Suite in the New Orleans Arena so he could enjoy the show in true comfort. What a freak. But I'm not going to mention any of that.

Celebrate your victory, Louisiana! They are so few and far between these days.

Jindal For Veep!

2008-06-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm serious.

Fuck recall, let's just let the useless bastard go to Washington and attend parties. It's appears that's all he's good for. Earlier this week, Governor Bobby Jindal allowed a record 90th bill to become law without his signature. That's basically one bill every two days he's spent in office. The average is higher if you don't count weekends. Whether he's emulating Ray Nagin's "hands-off" approach or the late OK Allen's "yass-mistah-Huey" rubber stamp style, Bobby Jindal is clearly a mistake made by the collective electorate of Louisiana, of which I'm sad to say, I am a part of.

And speaking of pay raises... (nice segue, huh?)

Our Louisiana legislators found time at the end of this session to craft a bill giving fire fighters a minor pay increase. Guess who's threatened to veto it? Yep, Bobby J himself. While he ignores the pleas, cries and screams of thousands of his constituents to veto SB 672 which grants an unprecedented and undeserved 200% pay raise to our legislators, he wants to screw some of our first responders. What a guy!

Now before you start thinking that the legislature is finally doing something right by raising firefighter pay, get this: The raise doesn't go into effect until next year! That's right kids, the greedy hogs in Baton Rouge get instant gratification while our friends and neighbors who put their lives on the line have to do without for another year!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't we elect Bobby to "govern" our state? Doesn't that include signing or vetoing bills as needed? Hell, I can watch the bills float past, and I'd do the job for half of what BJ is paid. So why not let him run off to Washington with his new girlfriend John McCain? It's not like we'd miss him and he'd fit in perfectly with the rest of the lazy liars in our nation's capitol.

The Answers

2008-06-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

I was going to blather on about Governor Jindal's commitment to keep the National Guard in service here in New Orleans allowing our local police to slack off and watch the broken crime camera monitors, but then I thought you might want something fun today. So here's an e-mail that's been making the rounds for decades. Hopefully, if I answer these "burning" questions adequately, you twats will stop sending this to me every three days.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Rape. Shoplifting is the act of stealing a physical object from the environs of a store. Please do not rape people, even whores. They have feelings too. At least when the pills wear off.

Can you cry under water?
Of course. You simply won't notice the tears. But in space, no one can hear you scream. What a retarded question.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Generally, murder is the result of greed or anger while assassination occurs due to differences in social or political ideologies. I don't have time to go into detail here, but you can try this nifty home experiment. Simply get a gun and shoot one person per day, then check the following morning's headlines and record the results in a spiral notebook. Assuming you select targets from all walks of life, you should be able to extrapolate the results in a few months time. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above experiment seriously.)

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in,' but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
More importantly, why are you ending your question with a preposition? But if you must know, both phrases are idioms. The former is a self-deprecating phrase now used to express humility when voicing one's opinion. (It's not worth much, but here's what I think.) It's origins may come from the early days of the British Postal Service, which charged two cents to convey letters containing the thoughts of the letter writer. The latter is used to denigrate the opinion of the target. (Your thoughts are worth just one cent to me.) Seriously though, can't you people Google this for yourself?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Get real. There is no heaven, but many religious zealots believe in Heaven. (Capital H, dimwit.) There are many different schools of thought here: In Heaven you wear robes, the clothes you die in, the clothes you are buried in, the clothes you wore on your mostest favoritist day on Earth, you are naked, (but nudity is not noticeable in Heaven so it's OK,) and so on, ad infinitum. I personally go with the naked thing, otherwise you'd look awful stupid being reincarnated as a polar bear in an Armani suit. Keep sending me e-mails like this and you can find out for yourself. Assuming that's where you're headed...

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because even though we can put a man on the moon and cheese in a can, our scientists have not found a cost effective way to produce round cardboard boxes. They must be wasting their time on silly shit like curing cancer, AIDS and world hunger. Do you really need to know the answer to this question? Just pop a slice in your pie-hole and enjoy the cheesey goodness. Besides, if there were no corners, where would Papa John's cram all the jalapenos and garlic sauce?

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Boogie Fever. Next question. (Swine Flu was just too obvious.)

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Wow. I mention a man on the moon and it takes you an entire question to make a connection. It's because of slavery and cost cutting in the travel industry, you nit. A long time ago a bunch of black people and some white criminals in Britain thought it would be fun to come to the Land Of The Free and do all our luggage toting for us. In 1865 slavery was abolished, but since these people were so good at luggage toting, cruise lines and railways (and eventually airlines) hired them for pennies a day to continue hauling our crap around. Eventually the toters started complaining about making a Living Wage and rather than pay them decently, they were let go and we were forced to schlep our belongings around ourselves. Being Americans, (and the smartest, laziest white people on the planet,) it only took us a mere twenty or so years to come up with the idea of luggage wheels. Now I suppose you want to know why it took another forty years to put wheels on ice chests.

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, the slow inexorable wheels of justice do not discriminate against any race, creed, religion or physical defect. (And yes, I said defect because it is one. You're not special, just deaf.)

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Because most local stations find it cheaper buy old films and run them instead producing their own original material. Oh, I thought it was a riddle. You are comparing apples and oranges here. People star IN movies which are shown ON television. They are also shown ON movie screens. May I suggest a crash course in prepositions? You seem to have trouble with them.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
What doctor do you go to? I'd notify the AMA if I were you. Honestly, the doctor doesn't give a crap about your modesty. When he leaves the room, he's going to see another patient, or, if there are no other patients, he's probably going to bang his nurse and do some medical grade cocaine. Stay in school kids!

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Must I remind you of the similarities of people and babies again? For the most part, brassieres are sold singly and panties often come in a package of multiples. The fashion industry knows better. That's why you can see ads for "The Vitoria's Secret Cotton Panty." Do you know what Victoria's real secret is? Her real name is Roy Raymond and he committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. (Google it, if you doubt my veracity.)

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
They don't. Your simply a bad cook. Really bad. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to burn toast? I guess stupid enough to add an unnecessary comma in your question after inventing the phrase "horrible crisp." Most toasters do have an adjustable setting for the length of time the bread stays in them. This is because different people like different degrees of toasty goodness. Some like it lightly toasted, some like it dark and dry. The extreme time setting is a holdover from the days when electricity was not quite the tamed beast it is now. Back in the good old days, almost anything could cause power surges in our fledgling electrical grid and toaster makers made sure that even the weakest line could power their product without us having to keep plunking the bread down repeatedly. Satisfied? Good, because that's a theory I just made up. Fuck it, I'm on a roll. (That's a bread pun there, kiddo.) The boring truth is that quality control is a thing of the past and some toasters have little sections of coil that are wrapped too tight and never heat up properly. Rather than produce a fine, reliable machine, the toaster maker adds extra time to make up for shoddy workmanship leaving it up to John Q Public to dial in the correct time setting.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I don't know. And I don't care. (Come on, you had to see that one coming!)

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Yes, because most hearses are manned by two living occupants. Why do you ask? Is the corpse in a hurry? I think it would be faster if they just followed the police escort.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
You didn't watch much TV as a kid, did you? The castaways on Gilligan's Island had a real radio. Now while Roy Hinkley, the Professor, was a pretty smart cookie, he was not a maritime carpenter. During the first season, attempts were made to fix the SS Minnow but most of these went awry and some caused even further damage to the boat which eventually fell apart somewhere around episode nine or ten. Even assuming the hole, which was pretty freaking big, could have been patched, the castaways would then be faced with the monumental task of lifting a one-ton, 37-foot twin diesel Wheeler Express Cruiser off the beach and about 300 yards into navigable water. And then we wouldn't have three years of fond memories. If you have a spare $99,000 lying around, you can pick up the SS Minnow used in season two's opening credits, (there were three, not including the one built on the Hollywood soundstage) from Scotty Taylor in Vancouver, BC. He had it up for sale back in 2006, and it's been completely refurbished. He bought it from a guy who was traveling south from Alaska and ran it into a reef in Hecate Sound off the Canadian coast.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Yes, but Goofy is anthropomorphic and Pluto is a pet. Remember, there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people with questions.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Do you how expensive it is for restaurants to deliver to the southwestern American desert? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, but the ACME Corporation offers free delivery.) It turns out that Wile Ethelbert Coyote had been running stolen credit cards to finance his purchases from the ACME Corporation and was tried and convicted in 1966, hence the cessation of Road Runner cartoons in the same year. After serving ten years in the Maricopa State Correctional Facility, Mr Coyote was released and immediately filed a lawsuit against ACME which is still working it's way through the courts. More Info here.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Mineral oil and fragrance. Just read the freaking bottle for crying out loud!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No, morality, good or bad, high and low, comes from parents, teachers and other members of the community in which a child is raised. Electricity comes from the socket. Don't believe me? Stick your fingers in one. Stupid questions come from morons. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above advice seriously.)

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes. "The ABC: A German air with variations for the flute with an easy accompaniment for the piano forte" was published by Charles Bradlee in 1835 and arranged by Louis Le Maire. The theme used is that of Mozart's 1782 piano variations of a 1761 French folk song, "Ah, Vous Dirai-Je Maman." "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star adapted the same tune in 1806. It's common knowledge that people have been ripping off the Longhairs for centuries. Did you know that the lovely melody for "Stranger In Paradise" was originally from the Polovetzian Dance #2 by Borodin?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't, but if it helps, feel free. Next question.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Why do you claim to have a brain when it's clearly just a lump. It's called an asteroid regardless of where it is. Asteroid derives from the Greek word for "star like," aster (star) -oid (like.) Hemorrhoid is also of Greek derivation meaning "discharging blood." You are incorrectly comparing hemi- (half) with hemo- (blood.) Apparently you also have difficulty telling your ass from a star in the sky. I did notice that you managed to spell hemorrhoid correctly. Got enough Preparation H?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Have you brushed your teeth lately? Maybe a swig or two of mouthwash would help. As for sticking his head out of car windows, perhaps he's trying to replace your halitosis with some fresh air. Mint?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Every fucking day of my life.

You Have 19 Days...

2008-06-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

Nineteen days to call, write, e-mail and telegram Governor Bobby Jindal regarding SB 672. That's how long he has to veto this bill. Why should he? Because he promised us he would when he ran for election. Thanks to the diligent efforts of CB Forgotston, one of Jindal's campaign brochures has been unearthed and the words read clearly:

MAKE THE LEGISLATURE ACCOUNTABLE TO THE CITIZENS THEY REPRESENT:
Prohibit Legislators from giving themselves pay raises that take effect before the subsequent elections.

Any increase in salary approved by the Legislature should take effect after the next election so the public can decide who deserves that compensation.

You can see the whole brochure here.

You can send your message to Governor Jindal here.

Apologies & Nudges

2008-06-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

My apologies to State Senator Ann Duplessis, the Mercedes driving public servant whose Second District contains the still-devastated Lower Ninth Ward. Somewhere in a previous post I may have mentioned that she was the driving force behind SB 672, the little bill with the big payoff. It seems I may have blogged too soon.

As the cockroaches in Baton Rouge scurry from the light of day, one big bold mother-fucker has decided to remain in the spotlight no mater how big a shoe hangs above his head. That would be Republican Jim Tucker from District 86 on the Westbank.

The tubby Tucker has been moving and shaking behind the scenes for quite some time since this bill was introduced and his influence has not gone unnoticed. Of course, he hasn't been trying to stay below the radar, either. Before most of the public caught scent of SB 672, Wild Man Tucker was threatening Governor Bobby Jindal with congressional roadblocks if any pay raises were vetoed. In fact, the words "dead on arrival" were used regarding a number of legislations that Jindal wants passed.

During the House vote, Tucker could be seen huffing and puffing across the floor trying to assess the stance of his cohorts and finding that he was quickly losing support, he did a little subtraction from the overall raise and rushed the bill through before he lost any more votes. Now that's hustle!

On the day of the vote, Tucker took the podium and in a fit of Bushian "with-us-or-agin-us-ism" lambasted any and all who thought of voting against SB 672. He verbally lacerated bloggers for posting pictures of Annie's Mercedes online. Hey, it's the vehicle of a public servant. I pay for it and I'll post it wherever the hell I want Jimmy!

So again, my apologies to Annie. I realize now that she's simply the tool which Jimmy used to make our public servants richer. When you think about it, it's almost as if the Old South is still alive with Miss Annie working hard for whip-craking, slave-driver Jim on the old plantation, although Annie's more of a sharecropper here. And Massah Bobby has too much to gain in Cotton-Picking Politics-As-Usual here in Louisiana to do anything to stop it, even though he knows he's the only one who can.

So the upshot here is that instead of six-million dollars, we will only have to pay these douchebags 4.5-million dollars, (unless the feds approve themselves another raise,) for a part-time job. The raise will not fix our streets, enhance our schools, equip our first responders, or protect our lives and homes. It will make those kind souls across the world who have given so much to help us recover from Katrina think twice before they send us any more aid. It will make our state look so incompetent and inept that we will once again be known as the Haven of Corruption we once were. It will not "attract a better type of person" to public office as has been inanely stated by so many of the apparently poor performers we now have. It will simply attract a greedier class of thief.

It's up to you now Governor Bobby Jindal. You shouldn't need a nudge from me, but here it is: You can do the job we elected you to do or you can hide behind rhetorical prose and send this state further into disarray.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
-Edmund Burke

With great power there must also come great responsibility.
-Spider-Man

You're out!
-Any umpire after a poor performance by a ballplayer

This Is Big

2008-06-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

Photo © National Association of Broadcasters

Journalist Tim Russert died today. Host of televisions longest running program, Meet The Press, since 1991, Russert was a frequent guest in my home almost every Sunday. I could count on him for truth and honesty. Not since Walter Cronkite has there been a more trustworthy broadcaster and I will surely miss him. Sunday just won't be the same without him.

Business As Usual

2008-06-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

The results are in and Louisiana Taxpayers can expect a massive six-million dollar fist up the ass thanks to State Senator Ann Duplessis. Her bastard child, SB 672 which ties legislator salaries to their counterparts in the US Senate, has passed its third and final vote in the senate and is on its way to the House for approval. (225-342-6945 if you care to call them.)

Voting for the bill were Senate President Joel T Chaisson, II, Robert Adley, Sharon Weston Broome, AG Crowe, Yvonne Dorsey, Ann Duplessis, Reggie P Dupre, Dale M Erdey, DA 'Butch' Gautreaux, Cheryl A Gray, Lydia P Jackson, RW 'Bob' Kostelka, Eric LaFleur, Rovert Marionneaux, Daniel 'Denny' Martiny, Michael J Michot, Edwin R Murray, Ben Nevers, Derrick Shepherd, and Francis Thompson

Voting against the bill were John A Alario, Jr, 'Jody' Amedee, Bill Cassidy, Sherri Smith Cheek, Donald R Cravins, Jr, Jack Donahue, Nick Gautreaux, Troy Hebert, David Heitmeir, Joe McPherson, Dan 'Blade' Morrish, Willie L Mount, Julie Quinn, Neil Riser, BL 'Buddy' Shaw,and Mike Walsworth

Absent were Gerald Long, John R Smith and the vacant seat from district 9.

Overall the vote looks suspect: 20 yea, 16 nay and 2 absent. Just enough votes to pass. How convenient. While I'm certain a few of the nays were cast by stalwart senators trying to make a difference in our little Third World State, most came from cunning little politicians who figured, "It'll pass anyway, so I may as well vote against it and look good in the press." Pure conjecture on my part, but entirely possible.

And our buddy Bobby doesn't seem to care. According to our "Reform" Governor, the legislature is responsible for "keeping its own house in order." He says it's not his job to tell them what to do. I wonder if John McCain taught him how to pass bucks like that.

Congratulations go out to Ann Duplessis, our Moron of the Year! (So far!) Her district lies in ruins, her constituency is spread across the country, but she can tootle back and forth from Baton Rouge in her taxpayer funded Mercedes S-500 in comfort knowing that all you working stiffs are going to be working a little harder to pay for it. We now return you to business as usual in Louisiana.

One final note to the vapid soccer mom I heard on WWL Radio yesterday: She called in to support the bill because our senators "give us their full-time, it's a full time job!" Wrong sweetheart. The job is part-time, 3-4 days a week for about 2-3 hours a day. Sure, there are the occasional 4+ hour marathons and special sessions, but most sessions are much shorter; see for yourself here. The April 3rd session lasted just 15 minutes.

Averaging 17 days per month, 2.5 hours per day, that's 42.5 hours a month or 510 hours per year. At the current salary of $16,800, that's just under $33 an hour. Under the new $70,000 salary our legislators will be making $137.25 an hour! And remember, these are some of the same douchebags who voted against raising the minimum wage in our state! Looks like it's back to every man for himself in Louisiana. Pittsburgh looks better every day.

Charges, Jail Time and the Saints Win THe Superbowl!

2008-06-05T21:59:00.001-07:00

I am now an official correspondent for Humid City! In order to save byte space on the interweb I have linked this entry to the original post. To read about the Jeffersons new woes and how the Saints will win the Superbowl, mosey on over here.

The Days Are Just Packed

2008-06-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

Breaking News:

Betty and Mose Jefferson and Betty's daughter Angela Coleman have just been slapped with 31 federal charges and if convicted, each faces at least 250 years in jail. Most of the charges concern the incredibly slick ways that the Jeffersons 'allegedly' funneled state and federal monies through various non-profit organizations controlled by them into their personal accounts. Betty and Mose also face 4 and 3 charges, respectively, for income tax evasion.

The charges were announced by U.S. Attorney Jim Letten on WDSU just moments ago. More as it becomes available.

Math For Kathie

2008-06-04T10:38:00.001-07:00

By some evil machination of the universe, I was subjected to part of the Today Show this morning. Not the real Today Show where they do the three minute in-depth coverage of whoever didn't feel like appearing on Good Morning America, but the one where Hoda Kotb has to turn off her brain to converse with former Name That Tune tart Kathie Lee Gifford.

According to "sources," the price of the first photos of Angelina Jolie's twins could climb as high as twenty-two million dollars. (Jolie will donate the money to charity.) Gifford exclaimed that was ridiculous. She went on to embarrass herself by saying that even if a magazine sold a "gazillion" copies, it would never make that money back.

First, there's no such number as a "gazillion," Kathie. It's a word children use when they want to exaggerate "a whole bunch." Second, have you ever heard of math? At a cover price of $3.99, People Magazine would need to sell just over five and a half million copies. And that's assuming they print that issue without advertisements. Ads make up the bulk of income for any magazine and the cover price paid by consumers is just a small fraction of the fiscal bottom line. Why do you think TV Guide lasted so long under a dollar?

People has an average circulation of 3.75 million and "special" issues usually rack up an extra one- to two-million readers, so they should be OK there Kathie. Now you can go back to worrying how to pay for Cody's therapist.

(Editor's Note: We at the Nation Of Morons do not know if Cody has a therapist. That last line is pure conjecture. Cody is probably a very stable guy with a good moral foundation and we wish him well.)