Tuesday, November 20, 2007

PDC To Big Easy: Fuck Off!

Once again New Orleans has been told, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off and die. This time by Paul Kirk (D) from the bi-partisan Presidential Debate Commission. Instead, Oxford, Mississippi will host the presidential hopefuls. Mr Kirk informed locals of the reasons our city was deemed unacceptable:

1 New Orleans is not technologically up to date.

Really? It seems to me you need some cameras and an internet connection. Is the commission saying that we don't have this? Or are they saying that we're too stupid to work the equipment? I seem to remember a few weeks after the storm when the President of these United States spouted heartfelt lies to us from Jackson Square. We had little to no power and even less people but that message got through. And we have no trouble beaming Saints games across the globe. Surely there must be another reason.

2 New Orleans does not have the hotel space needed for a major convention.

Really? We have enough rooms to hold the million plus visitors that came to Mardi Gras earlier this year. Ask the three or four major medical convention attendees that have visited us this year. And we seem to have plenty of space for the BCS Championship and NBA All-Star games, both of which are sure to draw ten times the crowd that a Presidential debate will. In fact, New Orleans can boast at least five times the hotel space needed for the debate, unlike Oxford, MS, which has only about half of the required rooms, forcing most people to seek accommodations in outlying areas.

3 New Orleans does not have a venue sufficient to host the debate.

Really? Well, of course the Saenger, the State Palace and the Municipal Auditorium are still somewhat in a state of flux, but we have the Superdome and the newly refurbished Morial Convention Center. But surely, to hold a Presidential Debate in either of those would just remind the Nation of the current administrations miserable failures during Hurricane Katrina. Surely the endless accusations and questions of the locals would be enough to dislodge even the hardiest hairdo of John Edwards no matter how much of his campaign money he spent on it.

Wait! I think that's it! It's clear that even though half of the combined Republican and Democratic candidates have made it clear that New Orleans should host a debate, no-one actually wants to because of the embarrassment factor. Neither party wants to be associated with the stigma of the worst Federal failure since the Hoover administration, nor do they want to be the party whose candidates are unable to explain why they are unable to help us out of the mess we're in. Can you blame them? Another possibility is that none of the candidates want to sit through the required photo opportunities with the ineffective governor, the absentee mayor or any number of the city and state officials with federal indictments hanging over their heads.

This is simply "safe" politics at its finest. Pick a town close enough to ground zero that says "We acknowledge the problem," but far enough away so that your candidates don't walk away with the stink of failure on them. Smooth move Paul. Apparently you did something to piss off your co-workers that they voted you the bearer of this bad news. In that same vein, I elect you to go back to your small minded little committee and inform them that they have all been admitted to a podium of honor here in the Nation Of Morons.

Thanks for nothing.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Writers On Strike!

Today in Hollywood, that shining beacon of intellectualality, the writers went on strike, (pardon me while I stifle a yawn,) the immediate consequences of which will be that talk shows and soap operas will shut down almost immediately. (Pardon me while I slip into a coma.) In a few months, when the current seasons of most Prime Time shows near the finalé point, we may be subjected to... (brace yourselves...) Re-Runs!!!!

Now I'll admit to being hooked on Heroes and Lost, and pretty much the lion's share of NBC's Thursday Night line-up, (Earl, the Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock,) but otherwise, who freaking cares? Most of the stuff I watch comes from PBS by way of London, New York and Boston. Truly 98% of new television is comprised of one sitcom, one drama and one game show being presented in a myriad of wholly uninteresting ways.

"But I thought talk shows were about people talking?" you say? Yeah. Leno comes up with that stuff on the fly because despite the millions of dollars he makes, he's still deeply interested in whose lap Paris Hilton's pet rat crapped in at Cannes. If you think talk shows are all 'spur-of-the-moment' hi-jinx, you need to rent some Larry Sanders Show DVD's. Soap Operas? If you ask me, they have too many writers as it is. So many, in fact, that the networks have allowed these incoherent scribblers to ply their half-assed trade in Prime Time on shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Ugly Betty."

The writers themselves do have a point though. They make just pennies on the dollar for what they do and next to nothing for DVD sales and net-casts. The studios see this as fair. "Hey, you got paid to write the episode, we can do what we want with it now." Not too cool, Selznik! Personally, If I were getting 16K per episode of "Two And A Half Men" and just recycling old "Three's Company" scripts, I'd keep my freaking mouth shut. Unfortunately, I don't make crap for what I write so the hell with the strike, my fingers will continue fumbling their way across the keyboard to bring you the very best in hard-assed, no-nonsense vitriol.

So here we are at the brink of disaster. Whatever shall we do? Well, I'm going to keep watching PBS. Oh, and there's always the alternative of READING A FREAKING BOOK! There's also spending time with freinds and family or indulging in a hobby. I have photography, poker, drinking and sex to occupy my time. But if you need to know what's going to happen in one of your favorite shows... use your imagination for crying out loud! You'll probably do better than the current crop of Hollywood Hacks and if you start blogging your take on your favorite shows, you might just get a lucrative contract as a studio scab!

(Let's see, A secluded beach on 'Lost' island. Kate and Sun are rubbing suntan lotion on each others naked bodies while two pounds of bacon crackles in a pan over a fire. A new character, 'the Styb,' walks out of the jungle, also naked except for his black socks, holding a Papa John's box and a twelve-pack of Coke and says, "Ladies... did someone order a pizza?" Kate and Sun look at each other and invite 'the Styb' to join them... hey, it's existential!)

Friday, November 2, 2007

Et Tu, Una?

Golly! I am shocked! Did you know that people on the Orleans Parish School Board might be putting profit ahead of our children! Una Anderson is the latest victim to have the misfortune of stepping in front of the 'Pampy' Express, a one way bus to Club Fed driven by Stan Barré, and driven hard. Barré faces a 10 year prison term for being involved in more than a few shady dealings during the Marc Morial administration which is one reason not to believe everything he says. On the other hand, Anderson is on the OPSB, so she has that working against her.

Barré claims to have delivered bribes to Anderson's hubby, Dave, from two trash companies, one of which eventually got the Orleans Schools trash hauling contracts. Aparently, three officers of Richards Disposal and Metro Disposal contributed five $1000 checks to Anderson some seven years ago at a dinner party given by Barré at his 7th Ward restaurant. Soon after Anderson's successful election to the school board, Metro was given the school contract worth some $525,000 per year. When questioned by the Feds as to why he was with his wife that evening, Dave Anderson replied shockingly, "it's normal for me to accompany my wife to dinner."

The Feds have been all up in Una's junk before, however it's usually for confirmation of other school board member shenanigans, like Ellenese Brooks-Simms who is also a hit and run victim of the 'Pampy' Express due to her acceptance of bribes in return for purchasing some crappy algebra program for the kiddies. Anderson has been one of the most outspoken board members on the subject of corruption and it's difficult to picture her accepting bribes, but then Oliver Thomas, (another Barré Express casualty,) pretty much fucked up everyone's optimism, didn't he? (In fact, Anderson claims she always suspected Barré of being corrupt. Oh, well I guess it makes perfect sense that you'd accept HIS invitation to dinner at HIS restaurant to meet with HIS buddies for "contributions." Yeah, that doesn't look suspicious.)

On the surface Barrés allegation looks questionable considering that Anderson is now in a run-off for her a State House seat. But add in that no other school board members received money from trash haulers that year. Also add in that Brooks-Simms, (already confessed to accepting bribes,) ran the meeting and motioned for Metro's approval and Anderson seconded the motion. Add in that there were only 8-10 people at that dinner party which neither Anderson admits to remembering too much about even though the other people there were representatives of two of the three or four companies competing for the trash contract. Add in the $5000 Anderson was given that night by those same representatives, (and she still doesn't recall the evening clearly?) and it starts to look a little strange.

True, on the surface, there's nothing wrong with accepting campaign contributions, but when those same contributors start picking up the hefty gubbamint cheese, well, things start to smell funny. They start to smell like garbage. Who do we have to bribe to get some honest politicians in this town?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Jordan Era Not Over!

Apparently budget paperwork is not the only thing Eddie Jack Jordan is incapable of filling out. Sources say that Jordan's resignation paperwork has yet to show up in Baton Rouge. This means that even though Keva Landrum-Johnson has officially taken over the office, Jordan might still be on the payroll. We all know how well bureaucracies work. If the resignation gets lost in the mail, we may end up paying this heel for the next six months. Everyone please check their mailboxes carefully and If you find his resignation, send it quickly to the State Capitol in Baton Rouge to help end the Jordan era of incompetence.