Monday, June 30, 2008

I Will Be Dipped In Shit

For those of you North of the Mason-Dixon line, that's a colloquialism used in some parts of the South to express incredulity and disbelief. I use it here as I have just learned that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has vetoed SB 672, the little bill that would have given state legislators a 200+% pay raise.

Veto. Starts with a 'V' just like Victory.

In a press conference today, Jindal said both legislators and he made mistakes; theirs in giving themselves such an absurd raise and his promise to stay out of the whole mess in the first place. Hell must be having a great big snowball fight right about now. The people won one. There was no mention of Ryan Fournier's recall petition for Jindal, which has now been dropped.

The crayon-wielding, Benz-driving "author" of the bill, Ann V Duplessis, (Does the V stand for Veto?,) says she is "extremely disappointed" that Jindal "broke his word to the legislature." What she really means is that she's pissed off that he kept his word to the voters. Jim Tucker grumbled something about how the legislature needs to be fixed. No word on whether this means he plans to have his political opponents whacked. His recall is still ongoing though.

This is a day to raise a glass and toast to the will of the people, so I won't go into the recent 'mysterious' resignation of Tommy Williams, the former lobbyist tapped by Jindal to be his legislative director but lasting only six short months, nor will I go into how Jindal's Chief of Staff, (and former campaign manager,) Timmy Teepell managed to help Williams create this mess in the first place. The fashionably shaved "Timmy" was the guy responsible for screwing up Jindal's campaign finances, then not reporting the errors, then not paying the fines on time. Apparently he's also a really big Hannah Montana fan. While Bobby was calling for reform, "Timmy" was busy making phone calls arranging for free HM tickets. He even commandeered the Governor's Suite in the New Orleans Arena so he could enjoy the show in true comfort. What a freak. But I'm not going to mention any of that.

Celebrate your victory, Louisiana! They are so few and far between these days.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Jindal For Veep!

I'm serious.

Fuck recall, let's just let the useless bastard go to Washington and attend parties. It's appears that's all he's good for. Earlier this week, Governor Bobby Jindal allowed a record 90th bill to become law without his signature. That's basically one bill every two days he's spent in office. The average is higher if you don't count weekends. Whether he's emulating Ray Nagin's "hands-off" approach or the late OK Allen's "yass-mistah-Huey" rubber stamp style, Bobby Jindal is clearly a mistake made by the collective electorate of Louisiana, of which I'm sad to say, I am a part of.

And speaking of pay raises... (nice segue, huh?)

Our Louisiana legislators found time at the end of this session to craft a bill giving fire fighters a minor pay increase. Guess who's threatened to veto it? Yep, Bobby J himself. While he ignores the pleas, cries and screams of thousands of his constituents to veto SB 672 which grants an unprecedented and undeserved 200% pay raise to our legislators, he wants to screw some of our first responders. What a guy!

Now before you start thinking that the legislature is finally doing something right by raising firefighter pay, get this: The raise doesn't go into effect until next year! That's right kids, the greedy hogs in Baton Rouge get instant gratification while our friends and neighbors who put their lives on the line have to do without for another year!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't we elect Bobby to "govern" our state? Doesn't that include signing or vetoing bills as needed? Hell, I can watch the bills float past, and I'd do the job for half of what BJ is paid. So why not let him run off to Washington with his new girlfriend John McCain? It's not like we'd miss him and he'd fit in perfectly with the rest of the lazy liars in our nation's capitol.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Answers

I was going to blather on about Governor Jindal's commitment to keep the National Guard in service here in New Orleans allowing our local police to slack off and watch the broken crime camera monitors, but then I thought you might want something fun today. So here's an e-mail that's been making the rounds for decades. Hopefully, if I answer these "burning" questions adequately, you twats will stop sending this to me every three days.


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Rape. Shoplifting is the act of stealing a physical object from the environs of a store. Please do not rape people, even whores. They have feelings too. At least when the pills wear off.

Can you cry under water?
Of course. You simply won't notice the tears. But in space, no one can hear you scream. What a retarded question.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Generally, murder is the result of greed or anger while assassination occurs due to differences in social or political ideologies. I don't have time to go into detail here, but you can try this nifty home experiment. Simply get a gun and shoot one person per day, then check the following morning's headlines and record the results in a spiral notebook. Assuming you select targets from all walks of life, you should be able to extrapolate the results in a few months time. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above experiment seriously.)

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in,' but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
More importantly, why are you ending your question with a preposition? But if you must know, both phrases are idioms. The former is a self-deprecating phrase now used to express humility when voicing one's opinion. (It's not worth much, but here's what I think.) It's origins may come from the early days of the British Postal Service, which charged two cents to convey letters containing the thoughts of the letter writer. The latter is used to denigrate the opinion of the target. (Your thoughts are worth just one cent to me.) Seriously though, can't you people Google this for yourself?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Get real. There is no heaven, but many religious zealots believe in Heaven. (Capital H, dimwit.) There are many different schools of thought here: In Heaven you wear robes, the clothes you die in, the clothes you are buried in, the clothes you wore on your mostest favoritist day on Earth, you are naked, (but nudity is not noticeable in Heaven so it's OK,) and so on, ad infinitum. I personally go with the naked thing, otherwise you'd look awful stupid being reincarnated as a polar bear in an Armani suit. Keep sending me e-mails like this and you can find out for yourself. Assuming that's where you're headed...

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because even though we can put a man on the moon and cheese in a can, our scientists have not found a cost effective way to produce round cardboard boxes. They must be wasting their time on silly shit like curing cancer, AIDS and world hunger. Do you really need to know the answer to this question? Just pop a slice in your pie-hole and enjoy the cheesey goodness. Besides, if there were no corners, where would Papa John's cram all the jalapenos and garlic sauce?

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Boogie Fever. Next question. (Swine Flu was just too obvious.)

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Wow. I mention a man on the moon and it takes you an entire question to make a connection. It's because of slavery and cost cutting in the travel industry, you nit. A long time ago a bunch of black people and some white criminals in Britain thought it would be fun to come to the Land Of The Free and do all our luggage toting for us. In 1865 slavery was abolished, but since these people were so good at luggage toting, cruise lines and railways (and eventually airlines) hired them for pennies a day to continue hauling our crap around. Eventually the toters started complaining about making a Living Wage and rather than pay them decently, they were let go and we were forced to schlep our belongings around ourselves. Being Americans, (and the smartest, laziest white people on the planet,) it only took us a mere twenty or so years to come up with the idea of luggage wheels. Now I suppose you want to know why it took another forty years to put wheels on ice chests.

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, the slow inexorable wheels of justice do not discriminate against any race, creed, religion or physical defect. (And yes, I said defect because it is one. You're not special, just deaf.)

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Because most local stations find it cheaper buy old films and run them instead producing their own original material. Oh, I thought it was a riddle. You are comparing apples and oranges here. People star IN movies which are shown ON television. They are also shown ON movie screens. May I suggest a crash course in prepositions? You seem to have trouble with them.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
What doctor do you go to? I'd notify the AMA if I were you. Honestly, the doctor doesn't give a crap about your modesty. When he leaves the room, he's going to see another patient, or, if there are no other patients, he's probably going to bang his nurse and do some medical grade cocaine. Stay in school kids!

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Must I remind you of the similarities of people and babies again? For the most part, brassieres are sold singly and panties often come in a package of multiples. The fashion industry knows better. That's why you can see ads for "The Vitoria's Secret Cotton Panty." Do you know what Victoria's real secret is? Her real name is Roy Raymond and he committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. (Google it, if you doubt my veracity.)

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
They don't. Your simply a bad cook. Really bad. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to burn toast? I guess stupid enough to add an unnecessary comma in your question after inventing the phrase "horrible crisp." Most toasters do have an adjustable setting for the length of time the bread stays in them. This is because different people like different degrees of toasty goodness. Some like it lightly toasted, some like it dark and dry. The extreme time setting is a holdover from the days when electricity was not quite the tamed beast it is now. Back in the good old days, almost anything could cause power surges in our fledgling electrical grid and toaster makers made sure that even the weakest line could power their product without us having to keep plunking the bread down repeatedly. Satisfied? Good, because that's a theory I just made up. Fuck it, I'm on a roll. (That's a bread pun there, kiddo.) The boring truth is that quality control is a thing of the past and some toasters have little sections of coil that are wrapped too tight and never heat up properly. Rather than produce a fine, reliable machine, the toaster maker adds extra time to make up for shoddy workmanship leaving it up to John Q Public to dial in the correct time setting.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I don't know. And I don't care. (Come on, you had to see that one coming!)

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Yes, because most hearses are manned by two living occupants. Why do you ask? Is the corpse in a hurry? I think it would be faster if they just followed the police escort.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
You didn't watch much TV as a kid, did you? The castaways on Gilligan's Island had a real radio. Now while Roy Hinkley, the Professor, was a pretty smart cookie, he was not a maritime carpenter. During the first season, attempts were made to fix the SS Minnow but most of these went awry and some caused even further damage to the boat which eventually fell apart somewhere around episode nine or ten. Even assuming the hole, which was pretty freaking big, could have been patched, the castaways would then be faced with the monumental task of lifting a one-ton, 37-foot twin diesel Wheeler Express Cruiser off the beach and about 300 yards into navigable water. And then we wouldn't have three years of fond memories. If you have a spare $99,000 lying around, you can pick up the SS Minnow used in season two's opening credits, (there were three, not including the one built on the Hollywood soundstage) from Scotty Taylor in Vancouver, BC. He had it up for sale back in 2006, and it's been completely refurbished. He bought it from a guy who was traveling south from Alaska and ran it into a reef in Hecate Sound off the Canadian coast.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Yes, but Goofy is anthropomorphic and Pluto is a pet. Remember, there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people with questions.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Do you how expensive it is for restaurants to deliver to the southwestern American desert? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, but the ACME Corporation offers free delivery.) It turns out that Wile Ethelbert Coyote had been running stolen credit cards to finance his purchases from the ACME Corporation and was tried and convicted in 1966, hence the cessation of Road Runner cartoons in the same year. After serving ten years in the Maricopa State Correctional Facility, Mr Coyote was released and immediately filed a lawsuit against ACME which is still working it's way through the courts. More Info here.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Mineral oil and fragrance. Just read the freaking bottle for crying out loud!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No, morality, good or bad, high and low, comes from parents, teachers and other members of the community in which a child is raised. Electricity comes from the socket. Don't believe me? Stick your fingers in one. Stupid questions come from morons. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above advice seriously.)

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes. "The ABC: A German air with variations for the flute with an easy accompaniment for the piano forte" was published by Charles Bradlee in 1835 and arranged by Louis Le Maire. The theme used is that of Mozart's 1782 piano variations of a 1761 French folk song, "Ah, Vous Dirai-Je Maman." "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star adapted the same tune in 1806. It's common knowledge that people have been ripping off the Longhairs for centuries. Did you know that the lovely melody for "Stranger In Paradise" was originally from the Polovetzian Dance #2 by Borodin?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't, but if it helps, feel free. Next question.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Why do you claim to have a brain when it's clearly just a lump. It's called an asteroid regardless of where it is. Asteroid derives from the Greek word for "star like," aster (star) -oid (like.) Hemorrhoid is also of Greek derivation meaning "discharging blood." You are incorrectly comparing hemi- (half) with hemo- (blood.) Apparently you also have difficulty telling your ass from a star in the sky. I did notice that you managed to spell hemorrhoid correctly. Got enough Preparation H?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Have you brushed your teeth lately? Maybe a swig or two of mouthwash would help. As for sticking his head out of car windows, perhaps he's trying to replace your halitosis with some fresh air. Mint?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Every fucking day of my life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

You Have 19 Days...

Nineteen days to call, write, e-mail and telegram Governor Bobby Jindal regarding SB 672. That's how long he has to veto this bill. Why should he? Because he promised us he would when he ran for election. Thanks to the diligent efforts of CB Forgotston, one of Jindal's campaign brochures has been unearthed and the words read clearly:

Prohibit Legislators from giving themselves pay raises that take effect before the subsequent elections.

Any increase in salary approved by the Legislature should take effect after the next election so the public can decide who deserves that compensation.

You can see the whole brochure here.

You can send your message to Governor Jindal here.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Apologies & Nudges

My apologies to State Senator Ann Duplessis, the Mercedes driving public servant whose Second District contains the still-devastated Lower Ninth Ward. Somewhere in a previous post I may have mentioned that she was the driving force behind SB 672, the little bill with the big payoff. It seems I may have blogged too soon.

As the cockroaches in Baton Rouge scurry from the light of day, one big bold mother-fucker has decided to remain in the spotlight no mater how big a shoe hangs above his head. That would be Republican Jim Tucker from District 86 on the Westbank.

The tubby Tucker has been moving and shaking behind the scenes for quite some time since this bill was introduced and his influence has not gone unnoticed. Of course, he hasn't been trying to stay below the radar, either. Before most of the public caught scent of SB 672, Wild Man Tucker was threatening Governor Bobby Jindal with congressional roadblocks if any pay raises were vetoed. In fact, the words "dead on arrival" were used regarding a number of legislations that Jindal wants passed.

During the House vote, Tucker could be seen huffing and puffing across the floor trying to assess the stance of his cohorts and finding that he was quickly losing support, he did a little subtraction from the overall raise and rushed the bill through before he lost any more votes. Now that's hustle!

On the day of the vote, Tucker took the podium and in a fit of Bushian "with-us-or-agin-us-ism" lambasted any and all who thought of voting against SB 672. He verbally lacerated bloggers for posting pictures of Annie's Mercedes online. Hey, it's the vehicle of a public servant. I pay for it and I'll post it wherever the hell I want Jimmy!

So again, my apologies to Annie. I realize now that she's simply the tool which Jimmy used to make our public servants richer. When you think about it, it's almost as if the Old South is still alive with Miss Annie working hard for whip-craking, slave-driver Jim on the old plantation, although Annie's more of a sharecropper here. And Massah Bobby has too much to gain in Cotton-Picking Politics-As-Usual here in Louisiana to do anything to stop it, even though he knows he's the only one who can.

So the upshot here is that instead of six-million dollars, we will only have to pay these douchebags 4.5-million dollars, (unless the feds approve themselves another raise,) for a part-time job. The raise will not fix our streets, enhance our schools, equip our first responders, or protect our lives and homes. It will make those kind souls across the world who have given so much to help us recover from Katrina think twice before they send us any more aid. It will make our state look so incompetent and inept that we will once again be known as the Haven of Corruption we once were. It will not "attract a better type of person" to public office as has been inanely stated by so many of the apparently poor performers we now have. It will simply attract a greedier class of thief.

It's up to you now Governor Bobby Jindal. You shouldn't need a nudge from me, but here it is: You can do the job we elected you to do or you can hide behind rhetorical prose and send this state further into disarray.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
-Edmund Burke

With great power there must also come great responsibility.

You're out!
-Any umpire after a poor performance by a ballplayer

Friday, June 13, 2008

This Is Big

Photo © National Association of Broadcasters

Journalist Tim Russert died today. Host of televisions longest running program, Meet The Press, since 1991, Russert was a frequent guest in my home almost every Sunday. I could count on him for truth and honesty. Not since Walter Cronkite has there been a more trustworthy broadcaster and I will surely miss him. Sunday just won't be the same without him.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Business As Usual

The results are in and Louisiana Taxpayers can expect a massive six-million dollar fist up the ass thanks to State Senator Ann Duplessis. Her bastard child, SB 672 which ties legislator salaries to their counterparts in the US Senate, has passed its third and final vote in the senate and is on its way to the House for approval. (225-342-6945 if you care to call them.)

Voting for the bill were Senate President Joel T Chaisson, II, Robert Adley, Sharon Weston Broome, AG Crowe, Yvonne Dorsey, Ann Duplessis, Reggie P Dupre, Dale M Erdey, DA 'Butch' Gautreaux, Cheryl A Gray, Lydia P Jackson, RW 'Bob' Kostelka, Eric LaFleur, Rovert Marionneaux, Daniel 'Denny' Martiny, Michael J Michot, Edwin R Murray, Ben Nevers, Derrick Shepherd, and Francis Thompson

Voting against the bill were John A Alario, Jr, 'Jody' Amedee, Bill Cassidy, Sherri Smith Cheek, Donald R Cravins, Jr, Jack Donahue, Nick Gautreaux, Troy Hebert, David Heitmeir, Joe McPherson, Dan 'Blade' Morrish, Willie L Mount, Julie Quinn, Neil Riser, BL 'Buddy' Shaw,and Mike Walsworth

Absent were Gerald Long, John R Smith and the vacant seat from district 9.

Overall the vote looks suspect: 20 yea, 16 nay and 2 absent. Just enough votes to pass. How convenient. While I'm certain a few of the nays were cast by stalwart senators trying to make a difference in our little Third World State, most came from cunning little politicians who figured, "It'll pass anyway, so I may as well vote against it and look good in the press." Pure conjecture on my part, but entirely possible.

And our buddy Bobby doesn't seem to care. According to our "Reform" Governor, the legislature is responsible for "keeping its own house in order." He says it's not his job to tell them what to do. I wonder if John McCain taught him how to pass bucks like that.

Congratulations go out to Ann Duplessis, our Moron of the Year! (So far!) Her district lies in ruins, her constituency is spread across the country, but she can tootle back and forth from Baton Rouge in her taxpayer funded Mercedes S-500 in comfort knowing that all you working stiffs are going to be working a little harder to pay for it. We now return you to business as usual in Louisiana.

One final note to the vapid soccer mom I heard on WWL Radio yesterday: She called in to support the bill because our senators "give us their full-time, it's a full time job!" Wrong sweetheart. The job is part-time, 3-4 days a week for about 2-3 hours a day. Sure, there are the occasional 4+ hour marathons and special sessions, but most sessions are much shorter; see for yourself here. The April 3rd session lasted just 15 minutes.

Averaging 17 days per month, 2.5 hours per day, that's 42.5 hours a month or 510 hours per year. At the current salary of $16,800, that's just under $33 an hour. Under the new $70,000 salary our legislators will be making $137.25 an hour! And remember, these are some of the same douchebags who voted against raising the minimum wage in our state! Looks like it's back to every man for himself in Louisiana. Pittsburgh looks better every day.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Charges, Jail Time and the Saints Win THe Superbowl!

I am now an official correspondent for Humid City! In order to save byte space on the interweb I have linked this entry to the original post. To read about the Jeffersons new woes and how the Saints will win the Superbowl, mosey on over here.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Days Are Just Packed

Breaking News:

Betty and Mose Jefferson and Betty's daughter Angela Coleman have just been slapped with 31 federal charges and if convicted, each faces at least 250 years in jail. Most of the charges concern the incredibly slick ways that the Jeffersons 'allegedly' funneled state and federal monies through various non-profit organizations controlled by them into their personal accounts. Betty and Mose also face 4 and 3 charges, respectively, for income tax evasion.

The charges were announced by U.S. Attorney Jim Letten on WDSU just moments ago. More as it becomes available.

Math For Kathie

By some evil machination of the universe, I was subjected to part of the Today Show this morning. Not the real Today Show where they do the three minute in-depth coverage of whoever didn't feel like appearing on Good Morning America, but the one where Hoda Kotb has to turn off her brain to converse with former Name That Tune tart Kathie Lee Gifford.

According to "sources," the price of the first photos of Angelina Jolie's twins could climb as high as twenty-two million dollars. (Jolie will donate the money to charity.) Gifford exclaimed that was ridiculous. She went on to embarrass herself by saying that even if a magazine sold a "gazillion" copies, it would never make that money back.

First, there's no such number as a "gazillion," Kathie. It's a word children use when they want to exaggerate "a whole bunch." Second, have you ever heard of math? At a cover price of $3.99, People Magazine would need to sell just over five and a half million copies. And that's assuming they print that issue without advertisements. Ads make up the bulk of income for any magazine and the cover price paid by consumers is just a small fraction of the fiscal bottom line. Why do you think TV Guide lasted so long under a dollar?

People has an average circulation of 3.75 million and "special" issues usually rack up an extra one- to two-million readers, so they should be OK there Kathie. Now you can go back to worrying how to pay for Cody's therapist.

(Editor's Note: We at the Nation Of Morons do not know if Cody has a therapist. That last line is pure conjecture. Cody is probably a very stable guy with a good moral foundation and we wish him well.)

McCain: Phase II

Photo © M Styborski, All Rights Reserved.

Senator John McCain kicked off Phase II of his presidential candidacy here in beautiful Kenner, LA last night. It was a depressingly small rally for such a major step, but I believe this is due to the complete apathy of Americans today regarding politics. What kind of mindless drone passes up a chance to see a presidential candidate speak? Or are you all simply comfortable hearing the two daily sound bites the media give you? It's your country's future bubba! Stop sitting on your ass!

That being said, the rally was delayed slightly as traffic was heavy coming from McCain's fifty grand per plate dinner which featured a host of New Orleans' movers and shakers: Torres, Bollinger, Taylor, Jindal, you get the idea. That's a lot of money for a bowl of red beans. Hell, I got to speak to him for free.

The rally kicked off with Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz saying a few words and introducing the Tim Laughlin Brass Band which marched in to the tune of Second Line, Part II, followed by the Bonnabel Bruin Cheerleaders. Hey! I went there! But I don't remember the cheerleaders in my day being so short. Must be something in the water around here these days.

The Bruin Cheerleaders worked the crowd up into an almost perceptible state of interest with a few catchy numbers like, "Go McCain, Go!" before yeilding the stage to former Governor Buddy Roemer. Roemer came out with energy and spoke almost as if he were running for office. Perhaps he's targeting the Veep seat?

Then it was Governor Bobby Jindal's turn at the mic. He kept his speech short and to the point, explaining that after spending a weekend at McCain's home in Arizona, he invited the Republican nominee here to Kenner to kick off the next phase of his candidacy. He touted the Arizona senator as a hero, the son and grandson of heroes, and as the only clear choice for president, based on his distinguished record of public service.

After the appetizers were done, the main course took the stage and immediately thanked the people of New Orleans. Oops. It was the first of three McCain fauxs pas regarding his surroundings. Other than that, things went pretty much as expected.

(OK, a small rant here: When the fuck did Kenner become a suburb of New Orleans? Almost every major news outlet continues to refer to "John McCain's speech in a suburb of New Orleans." Look at a map for Christ's sake! Kenner is a city! Chateau Estates is a suburb. Lakeview is a suburb. We have a city seal. Do you know what's written on it? City of Kenner! And these are the morons you trust to report current events? Sorry. We continue with our blog with no further interruptions.)

McCain's speech, intended to upstage and overshadow Obama's declaration of victory in the Democratic race given at the same time, was not at all what I expected. It was predictable, mostly dry and aimed primarily at those who are already on the McTrain. He began by sincerely recognizing the efforts of Hillary Clinton but then quickly aimed his comments toward Barack Obama, specifically targeting his lack of experience and his dependence on a plan for an America that has not existed for over fifty years.

"...many of these policies were designed for the problems and opportunities of the mid to late 20th Century, before the end of the Cold War; before the revolution in information technology and rise of the global economy."

You can't argue with that.

McCain went on to answer accusations from the Democrats that he is running for Bush's third term, explaining his differing positions on the war in Iraq, and his policies on climate change and energy. I have to disagree with the Democrats that McCain represents four more years of George Bush. While it's true that he has supported Bush on certain agendas, that's the price he pays to become the Republican Golden Boy. It's the old "You Scratch My Back..." game.

McCain also took the Bush Administration to task for it's colossal failure during Hurricane Katrina and promised that under his watch nothing like that would ever happen again. He didn't elaborate, but I certainly hope that this means restoring FEMA to a full cabinet position, increasing their funding and not using the agency as a parking lot for big money contributors and golf buddies.

McCain continued to note aspects of Obama's platform and give reasons why they were flawed, always ending with, "That's not change we can believe in," or similar words. It was a classic example of repeatedly driving home a point. It was also about as exciting as a lecture on the migratory patterns of head lice, and for this the blame falls on both McCain and speech writer Mark Salter.

While Salter writes safe, effective republican prose, (and the speech does have it's moments,) McCain is simply not the type of speaker who can handle it. In all honesty, this speech sounded a lot like Kathleen Blanco gave it. Soft speaking, even tempo, slow pace, interminable pauses, and a chore to listen to. Like a teacher explaining lunchroom behavior to the Special Ed class. After preaching to the converted, McCain returned to speak to the overflow crowd who were unable to see the speech itself. He was more informal, more engaging and mercifully, more brief.

Unless McCain can start making some sparks, he's going to fall farther behind Obama in the excitement category. Obama already leads the categories of campaign funds, popularity, and not being a republican. The only category Obama falls short on is experience, but then, who cares about that in a Presidential Election?

For you lazy dinks out there who couldn't make it, here is most the speech, before CNN switched over to cover BO: