Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Answers

I was going to blather on about Governor Jindal's commitment to keep the National Guard in service here in New Orleans allowing our local police to slack off and watch the broken crime camera monitors, but then I thought you might want something fun today. So here's an e-mail that's been making the rounds for decades. Hopefully, if I answer these "burning" questions adequately, you twats will stop sending this to me every three days.


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Rape. Shoplifting is the act of stealing a physical object from the environs of a store. Please do not rape people, even whores. They have feelings too. At least when the pills wear off.

Can you cry under water?
Of course. You simply won't notice the tears. But in space, no one can hear you scream. What a retarded question.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Generally, murder is the result of greed or anger while assassination occurs due to differences in social or political ideologies. I don't have time to go into detail here, but you can try this nifty home experiment. Simply get a gun and shoot one person per day, then check the following morning's headlines and record the results in a spiral notebook. Assuming you select targets from all walks of life, you should be able to extrapolate the results in a few months time. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above experiment seriously.)

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in,' but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
More importantly, why are you ending your question with a preposition? But if you must know, both phrases are idioms. The former is a self-deprecating phrase now used to express humility when voicing one's opinion. (It's not worth much, but here's what I think.) It's origins may come from the early days of the British Postal Service, which charged two cents to convey letters containing the thoughts of the letter writer. The latter is used to denigrate the opinion of the target. (Your thoughts are worth just one cent to me.) Seriously though, can't you people Google this for yourself?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Get real. There is no heaven, but many religious zealots believe in Heaven. (Capital H, dimwit.) There are many different schools of thought here: In Heaven you wear robes, the clothes you die in, the clothes you are buried in, the clothes you wore on your mostest favoritist day on Earth, you are naked, (but nudity is not noticeable in Heaven so it's OK,) and so on, ad infinitum. I personally go with the naked thing, otherwise you'd look awful stupid being reincarnated as a polar bear in an Armani suit. Keep sending me e-mails like this and you can find out for yourself. Assuming that's where you're headed...

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because even though we can put a man on the moon and cheese in a can, our scientists have not found a cost effective way to produce round cardboard boxes. They must be wasting their time on silly shit like curing cancer, AIDS and world hunger. Do you really need to know the answer to this question? Just pop a slice in your pie-hole and enjoy the cheesey goodness. Besides, if there were no corners, where would Papa John's cram all the jalapenos and garlic sauce?

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Boogie Fever. Next question. (Swine Flu was just too obvious.)

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Wow. I mention a man on the moon and it takes you an entire question to make a connection. It's because of slavery and cost cutting in the travel industry, you nit. A long time ago a bunch of black people and some white criminals in Britain thought it would be fun to come to the Land Of The Free and do all our luggage toting for us. In 1865 slavery was abolished, but since these people were so good at luggage toting, cruise lines and railways (and eventually airlines) hired them for pennies a day to continue hauling our crap around. Eventually the toters started complaining about making a Living Wage and rather than pay them decently, they were let go and we were forced to schlep our belongings around ourselves. Being Americans, (and the smartest, laziest white people on the planet,) it only took us a mere twenty or so years to come up with the idea of luggage wheels. Now I suppose you want to know why it took another forty years to put wheels on ice chests.

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, the slow inexorable wheels of justice do not discriminate against any race, creed, religion or physical defect. (And yes, I said defect because it is one. You're not special, just deaf.)

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Because most local stations find it cheaper buy old films and run them instead producing their own original material. Oh, I thought it was a riddle. You are comparing apples and oranges here. People star IN movies which are shown ON television. They are also shown ON movie screens. May I suggest a crash course in prepositions? You seem to have trouble with them.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Because people, like babies, are incredibly stupid. Next question.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
What doctor do you go to? I'd notify the AMA if I were you. Honestly, the doctor doesn't give a crap about your modesty. When he leaves the room, he's going to see another patient, or, if there are no other patients, he's probably going to bang his nurse and do some medical grade cocaine. Stay in school kids!

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Must I remind you of the similarities of people and babies again? For the most part, brassieres are sold singly and panties often come in a package of multiples. The fashion industry knows better. That's why you can see ads for "The Vitoria's Secret Cotton Panty." Do you know what Victoria's real secret is? Her real name is Roy Raymond and he committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. (Google it, if you doubt my veracity.)

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
They don't. Your simply a bad cook. Really bad. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to burn toast? I guess stupid enough to add an unnecessary comma in your question after inventing the phrase "horrible crisp." Most toasters do have an adjustable setting for the length of time the bread stays in them. This is because different people like different degrees of toasty goodness. Some like it lightly toasted, some like it dark and dry. The extreme time setting is a holdover from the days when electricity was not quite the tamed beast it is now. Back in the good old days, almost anything could cause power surges in our fledgling electrical grid and toaster makers made sure that even the weakest line could power their product without us having to keep plunking the bread down repeatedly. Satisfied? Good, because that's a theory I just made up. Fuck it, I'm on a roll. (That's a bread pun there, kiddo.) The boring truth is that quality control is a thing of the past and some toasters have little sections of coil that are wrapped too tight and never heat up properly. Rather than produce a fine, reliable machine, the toaster maker adds extra time to make up for shoddy workmanship leaving it up to John Q Public to dial in the correct time setting.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I don't know. And I don't care. (Come on, you had to see that one coming!)

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Yes, because most hearses are manned by two living occupants. Why do you ask? Is the corpse in a hurry? I think it would be faster if they just followed the police escort.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
You didn't watch much TV as a kid, did you? The castaways on Gilligan's Island had a real radio. Now while Roy Hinkley, the Professor, was a pretty smart cookie, he was not a maritime carpenter. During the first season, attempts were made to fix the SS Minnow but most of these went awry and some caused even further damage to the boat which eventually fell apart somewhere around episode nine or ten. Even assuming the hole, which was pretty freaking big, could have been patched, the castaways would then be faced with the monumental task of lifting a one-ton, 37-foot twin diesel Wheeler Express Cruiser off the beach and about 300 yards into navigable water. And then we wouldn't have three years of fond memories. If you have a spare $99,000 lying around, you can pick up the SS Minnow used in season two's opening credits, (there were three, not including the one built on the Hollywood soundstage) from Scotty Taylor in Vancouver, BC. He had it up for sale back in 2006, and it's been completely refurbished. He bought it from a guy who was traveling south from Alaska and ran it into a reef in Hecate Sound off the Canadian coast.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Yes, but Goofy is anthropomorphic and Pluto is a pet. Remember, there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people with questions.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Do you how expensive it is for restaurants to deliver to the southwestern American desert? (Yes, I know what you're thinking, but the ACME Corporation offers free delivery.) It turns out that Wile Ethelbert Coyote had been running stolen credit cards to finance his purchases from the ACME Corporation and was tried and convicted in 1966, hence the cessation of Road Runner cartoons in the same year. After serving ten years in the Maricopa State Correctional Facility, Mr Coyote was released and immediately filed a lawsuit against ACME which is still working it's way through the courts. More Info here.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Mineral oil and fragrance. Just read the freaking bottle for crying out loud!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No, morality, good or bad, high and low, comes from parents, teachers and other members of the community in which a child is raised. Electricity comes from the socket. Don't believe me? Stick your fingers in one. Stupid questions come from morons. (Editor's note: The Nation of Morons is not accountable for the actions of anyone who takes the above advice seriously.)

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes. "The ABC: A German air with variations for the flute with an easy accompaniment for the piano forte" was published by Charles Bradlee in 1835 and arranged by Louis Le Maire. The theme used is that of Mozart's 1782 piano variations of a 1761 French folk song, "Ah, Vous Dirai-Je Maman." "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star adapted the same tune in 1806. It's common knowledge that people have been ripping off the Longhairs for centuries. Did you know that the lovely melody for "Stranger In Paradise" was originally from the Polovetzian Dance #2 by Borodin?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't, but if it helps, feel free. Next question.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Why do you claim to have a brain when it's clearly just a lump. It's called an asteroid regardless of where it is. Asteroid derives from the Greek word for "star like," aster (star) -oid (like.) Hemorrhoid is also of Greek derivation meaning "discharging blood." You are incorrectly comparing hemi- (half) with hemo- (blood.) Apparently you also have difficulty telling your ass from a star in the sky. I did notice that you managed to spell hemorrhoid correctly. Got enough Preparation H?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Have you brushed your teeth lately? Maybe a swig or two of mouthwash would help. As for sticking his head out of car windows, perhaps he's trying to replace your halitosis with some fresh air. Mint?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Every fucking day of my life.


Anonymous said...

why do I think you are one cool dude!?!?!


M Styborski said...

Must be the alcohol!