Wednesday, December 30, 2009

More Answers

I received this in an e-mail the other day. I did as instructed and "pondered". Now, through the miracle of modern technology, I share my pondering with all of you

Thoughts to Ponder

1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Yes, because if you don't see them they don't exist. Here's an idea: Try wishing that Public Housing had an "Avoid Ghetto" option. If enough of us wish for it, maybe the people who run HUD and other government housing agencies will figure out how to put people in temporary, low-income residences without building little gulags of murder and drugs! On the other hand, wish in one shoe, crap in the other, and see which fills up first. Perhaps instead of wishing, you could find a useful way to end the ghettoization of the poor, like actually doing some research on the candidates before you vote in the next election.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I suppose that would suck. If I was ever wrong, that is. The problem here is not that you're wrong but that you turn discussions into arguments. Here's something you can try: Before entering into a discussion with someone, try to look at the situation from their point of view. If that doesn't help, take a moment to review the facts before using the words "Wrong, moron!" so you can be absolutely sure you're not going to end up sleeping in your car for the next week.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Yes, because instead of napping as a toddler you could have been curing cancer or plugging that dad-blasted hole in ozone layer! Our loss, I suppose.

4. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Close to each other? They're on separate fucking lines! Touch typing is not difficult, nor is proofreading your correspondence before hitting that "send" button. Do you have exceptionally fat fingers? Or is the Cheetos grime so thick on your keyboard that you can't see the letters? I recommend a soft cloth and some warm water before you attempt further communication. After all, you don't want to look like an idiom!

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Oh, I agree! There really isn't any good way to convey sarcasm in type!

6. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
Ever think that perhaps you really did understand it the first time and your brain is simply deteriorating as time moves you inexorably closer to old age and sweet, sweet death? Either way, you are not alone. This is a common disease known as stupidity. Millions of people suffer from it and it's the single most important reason that the Nation of Morons exists. To help rid the world of this terrible scourge, send your cash donation to the Nation of Morons as soon as possible!

7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
You must be one of those Yuppies I've heard about. Well, if you're really having trouble, try this: Lay the sheet upside-down on your bed. (Or right-side up, it really doesn't matter.) Fold the fittings, (the parts that cover and tuck under the mattress sides,) inward. Now fold and straighten as you would an ordinary sheet. The parts which seem to be giving you trouble are now hidden from view and your neighbors won't think you're some smug Erika Pekkari whore when they poke around in your linen closet.

8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
You're hired! I need a good porter and not one who's going to lollygag around all day with the fucking groceries. This is an exceptionally lucid and concise observation. Who wrote it for you?

9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
It's called a dead-man switch. There are plenty of programs out there which will wipe your electronic slate clean at a certain time if you haven't entered a password, or if you haven't entered a correct password. I suggest installing one soon, because face it, we all know that our "friends" are just waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can access all of the bribery-worthy shit we stupidly keep on our hard drives. Especially your friends!

10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Because you are a fucking moron. Put the Blackberry down and pay attention the the road and traffic. It's buffoons like you that make insurance rates go up.

11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
I suppose not. But it's awfully nice to be able to hand-engrave invitations when you need to without forking over $650 to someone who wasn't napping in school.

12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between stupidity and you. No, wait… I don't. Let me clear this up for you: If you are eating some sort of foodstuff you are probably hungry, if you are engaged in an activity with no clear worthwhile benefit you are most probably bored. Next time you are bored, (you know, when you are not eating something,) try sticking one of those enormous fingers in an electrical socket. This should un-bore you in a jiffy!

13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Yes, and it's a good way to ruin the paint job on your car as well. Stop using vehicles as weapons… that's what weapons are for! Shoot the cutters tires out instead. He will then have time to ponder his insensitivity as he sheepishly walks to the nearest Goodyear store.

15. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Again with MapQuest? It's not their fault some lackwit keeps entering his home address when he needs to go somewhere. Here's a thought: For your starting point, try entering the last location on your route that you know how to get to! And stop blaming computer programs for your own stupidity.

16. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Most of them do. It's usually at the end of the first paragraph. Here's an example:

John Q Emailer, 45, of Internet City, an unemployed web-surfer, died of asphyxiation from a "Send" key lodged in his throat, in his low-rent apartment, Thursday at 9 A.M.

Some obits don't list a cause of death. this is usually because the bereaved family thinks it's none of your god-damned business, which is true. Really, if you knew the deceased, then you probably already know how they died. If you didn't, what the fuck are you reading their obit for in the first place? Sometimes the cause of death is kept private because it could be embarrassing, say, shot while robbing a liquor store or electrocution from jamming fingers into an electrical socket.

17. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Just ask those homeless guys downtown. Of course, the underwear helps to keep the inside of the pants cleaner awhile longer, but take my advice: Buy some laundry detergent and do a few loads, including the pants. Trust me on this one. And while you're doing the wash, pull out all the crap you never wear anymore and take it to a shelter. There are people in this world who need clothes more than you know.

18. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Really? I can. It was right before I opened this e-mail.

19. Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories.
Your life in a nutshell, eh? Tell us about the time the cops found you on the Saint Joseph's altar, naked and unconscious among the baked goods, with an empty bottle of Everclear in one hand and half a bag of Pat O's Hurricane Mix spilling out of your mouth. I never get tired of that one!

20. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
You both do. High school girls get sluttier because of bad parenting, loose morals and the Disney Channel. I'm not sure what your excuse but I have a feeling it's desperation.

21. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Obviously my anonymous e-mailer is Ray Nagin. Or maybe Aaron Broussard. Or any of the other worthless, self-serving miscreants you people elect to public office every other year. And that moment for most politicians is called 9 A.M.

22. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Not really, it's a fucking chair. And unless you're Karl Wallenda and the chair is precariously balanced on a piece of dental floss strung between the 88th floors of the Petronas Towers, you are seriously overestimating the hazard. Perhaps you should just lie down on the floor and wait for the planet to stop spinning.

23. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
That's because Word automatically selects keywords and data from your documents and transmits them to Redmond, WA where they are concatenated, compared and crunched with other similar data which is then processed into articles, papers, books and other reports and copyrighted to Microsoft. The "change" you get is the time-stamp Word adds to the document each time it is searched. (Believe it or not, Bill Gates has nothing to do with this. Paul Allen is the mastermind behind this particularly nefarious bit of scumbaggery.)

24. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
Could be because we're all trying our dog-gonedest to avoid you, you simpering, vain attention whore. I'm certain you're confident, but you may wish to check a Webster's for the precise definition of "looking good."

25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Indeed, they're incredibly bothersome to drivers and pedestrians, not to mention airline pilots, boat captains and astronauts. Are you sure this isn't more of a "thin, healthy person" hatred? Remember the following equation: Me-Cake+Exercise=Thin. After a few months you might even be able to fit on a bicycle!

26. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
And you probably have a digital watch. Hell, I can usually tell the time of day by the position of the sun. (Give or take three hours.) Ordinarily I'd say this was a problem, but since it's you I wouldn't worry too much. It's not like you have a job to go to or friends to visit. (But hey! If you clean those pants, that might change!)

27. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
Find your moms old brochures?

28. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
And yet every time we inevitably meet face to face you always begin with, "Hey, I called you the other day but you didn't answer." Honestly I wish you'd get a clue because I'm running out of excuses.

29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
What sort of imbecile can't find his keys in his pocket? You seem to have nothing but scorn for maps and timepieces. Remind me not to include you in any covert operations in the future.

For more snappy answers to stupid questions, you can check out this older post!

Happy New Year everybody!