Friday, May 30, 2008

The Secret Of Lost. Revealed!

Spoiler Warning!!
I am about to reveal to you the secret of the ABC hit TV series Lost!! Read on only if you want your mind blown!! You have been warned!!

Lost is Peter Pan.

Oh, not completely, but the basic elements are there in one form or another.

Peter is a mischievous boy who refuses to grow up. He spends his never-ending childhood adventuring on the small island of Neverland as the leader of the Lost Boys, from time to time meeting ordinary children from the world outside.

Hmm... Richard never seems to age and has been spotted off the Island more than once...

Peter is quick to point out how smart he is, even when it's obvious he's screwed up. He has a devil-may-care attitude, and is fearless when it comes to putting himself in danger, yet Peter always wins in the end.

Hmm... sounds a little like Ben to me...

Peter is concerned for nothing but rip-snortin', rootin'-tootin' magical adventures. To hell with the real world, having fun on the island of Neverland is the only important thing to him.

Hmm... could that be John Locke...

It might be that all three represent a single, different facet of Peter Pan.

OK, that's a little far-fetched, but try the following on for size...

Peter's nemesis is Captain Hook, whose hand he cuts off in a duel. Marvin Candle/Mark Wickmund/Edgar Halliwax, the Asian scientist seen in the Dharma Initiative orientation videos has a prosthetic hand. (As seen in the two orientation videos for The Swan and the Pearl.) This was confirmed by two writers in a Lost podcast. As one of the Dharma Initiative, wouldn't Ben and Richard consider Candle the enemy? And didn't Ben and Richard conspire to slaughter the Dharma Initiative?

From time to time Peter visits the real world and befriends children there. Wendy Darling, whom he recruits to be the 'mother' of the Lost Boys, is the most significant. Later, Peter brings Wendy's daughter Jane to Neverland for the same reason. And motherhood is an important part of the mystery of the Island. Pregnant women die on the Island so... no mothers. Does Juliette represent Wendy Darling? Instead of acting as the mother, she is recruited to solve the problem of motherhood on the Island.

And then there's Tick-Tock, the Crocodile. Tick-Tock swallowed an alarm clock which could always be heard ticking, signaling his entrances in the 1954 Disney movie. Sound like a certain clanky, smoky island puffball? The mechanical clanking noises which signal "Smoky's" entrances are almost too uncanny a coincidence to ignore. After Peter chops off Hook's hand, he tosses it to Tick-Tock. I wonder if we'll see Candle/Wickmund/Halliwax lose his hand to "Smoky" next season?

Still not convinced? Fine, I give you the following irrefutable evidence:

Disney still owns rights to Peter Pan, and in owning ABC, also owns Lost.

Upon arriving in Neverland, the flying Darling children are blown out of the air by a cannon. Sound like a certain plane crash?

In Pan, pirates ran around kidnapping children. In Lost, the 'Others' dressed something like pirates, (OK, more like homeless beach bums,) and ran around kidnapping children.

Two of Wendy's brothers adopt the ways of the Lost Boys. Their names are John and Michael. Two major characters in Lost join forces with Ben: John Locke and Michael Dawson.

Both stories involve a dog: Nana in Pan and Vincent in Lost.

Both have sailing ships: Pan's Jolly Roger and Lost's Black Rock.

Peter does everything he can to keep the Darling children from returning home, just as Ben attempts to prevent the Oceanic passengers from doing the same.

In the unauthorized sequels to Peter Pan by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson, Peter and his friends must combat an evil group known as the "Others."

For crying out loud, Peter's gang is called the LOST boys!!

Obviously, if Lost is indeed based on Peter Pan, the writers are not going to give us an easy retelling. They'll merge some characters into one. Others will be split into two or more. The story will be reshaped to suit modern audiences and there will be plenty of twists, turns and dead ends. If they gave us a straight retelling, we wouldn't be watching and it would have been over in about two hours.

Perhaps, like the Wizard of Oz references, the similarities above are just more red herrings, but why has no one else has noticed them after four years? Does JJ Abrams or ABC have a cadre of dedicated net-surfers out there crushing all who dare to publish these similarities? Will this blog entry be suspiciously deleted soon after it posts? Or am I just the smartest son-of-a-bitch on the planet?

I'm betting on the latter!

That's Hedley!

Harvey Korman

Rest In Peace.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Conspiracy Theory

A few weeks ago I wrote about how James Bernazzani is getting the short end of a political stick. Well, guess what? It's shorter than we thought. Mr Bernazzani has declined to transfer to Washington, electing to remain in New Orleans though he will not run for public office. The thing is, it was recently discovered by some smart cookie that even if Bernazzani had a desire to run for mayor in 2010, he couldn't! He simply has not been a resident of the city long enough. Now I'm just "blue-skying" here, (I hate that term, let's just say I'm whistling outta my ass,) but exactly which jackasses pushed JB into the electoral spotlight in the first place? Didn't they know he was ineligible? Or was this in fact, an assassination job? In light of the facts, I am more convinced than ever that JB was pushed into this fiasco with the sole purpose of getting him transfered or fired. Oh well, our loss huh?

Monday, May 26, 2008

No Morons Today

Well, there probably are, but I found this on YouTube, (picking up television's slack in the field of American Time Wasting,) And thought my four readers might get a kick out of it. It's an MGM Travelogue from 1940 about our fair city.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Annie Get Your Gun

You'll need it to defend yourself.

State senator Ann Duplessis, (is that like duplicity?,) has authored Louisiana's newest political embarrassment, Senate Bill 672, which calls for an increase in pay for state legislators. She seems to think that our poor underpaid elected officials need more than quadruple their current $16,000 salaries. SB672 would pay them $70,000 per year and also double their expense accounts. Here, read it yourself. (Yes, recent reports say $50,000, but this is the new and improved version dated 1/1/09. Now that's foresight!) (You know, technically the word 'authored' gives Duplessis way too much credit. She simply took the old bill which set legislator salaries, crossed out "$16,000" and wrote in "$70,000." Probably in crayon.)

This will essentially make our legislators the ninth highest paid out of all fifty states. Pretty good considering the most recent survey ranks our states economy 21st out of fifty. Heck, hardly seems worth mentioning, but still...

This comes only one year after Annie helped pass Smokin' Joe Toomey's HB489 which also increased the pay of other state officials and the governor. That's a lot of your money Annie's spending. If I paid state taxes, I'd be pissed. I'd be thoroughly enraged if I lived in the Lower Ninth Ward though. See, that's Annie's territory. I may be slightly off the mark here but, shouldn't she find some way to help her constituents rebuild their neighborhood before pissing away their hard earned money on her cronies in Baton Rouge?

Annie says that with recently declared monies in the state treasury her plan is now more affordable than ever. Really. Hey Annie, what about those empty lots in the Lower Ninth? Any way you can shake loose a buck or two for the families whose houses were destroyed? No, you say? Pity. Well, as long as you're housed, fat and happy... fuck 'em, eh?

Duplessis' record can be seen here. I find it interesting that she would castrate sex offenders, yet force women to bear the children of rape and incest. I guess that's just the way she was raised. I wonder who raised her to spend other people's money so freely?

Unfortunately, SB672 tore through the Senate Finance Committee with unanimous approval and virtually no debate, (big surprise,) and now is on its way to the full senate, presumably for rubber-stamping and a big laugh at all you hard-workin' Joes that are gonna pay for it. What can you do? Make your voice known! Call your senator and demand they vote this spendthrifts piece-of-shit legislation down the tubes! Visit the Louisiana Action Council and answer the SB672 Poll. Or you can sit there and twiddle your thumbs. It's your money... at least until Annie gets aholt of it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

City Of Brotherly Lumps

Another police beating today in Philadelphia, PA. Two days ago an officer was shot to death on the mean streets of Philly, and some say that fueled this incident. Probably. Who knows. What is evident is the force used in the beating. Watch it here, I'll wait.

(Casually whistles Theme From Dragnet while waiting.)

Pretty obvious, huh? According to Fox 29, the three suspects were fleeing from a triple shooting. Other Fox sources claim drugs were involved, but how they know this I am unaware. What I am aware of is that generally, if you hit someone they will flinch. Flinching is a quick, jerking motion of the extremities which, in the past, has been called "fighting" by lawyers for other bullies in blue. "Looky thar, see how he's fightin' us? We hadda whomp on 'im."


If you beat on someone long enough and hard enough they will eventually stop cowering and do whatever it takes to get away from you. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You beat, they flinch, you "misinterperet" and beat some more, they freak and try to escape or protect themselves, you beat harder. You get to take your aggression out on someone other than your wife. All fun and games until someone catches you. And in Philadelphia, someone did. There are 15 Philly cops off the job right now for acting like assholes. Good riddance. Got stress? See a fucking shrink, but don't take the law into your own hands.

Now before everyone starts berating me for being anti-cop, let me turn my attention to the three little suspects. You niggaz is stoopid. (And no, I'm not being racist, I'm being ghetto. They a diffrence, bi-otch!) First, if you're gonna sell drugs, do it in the privacy of a crack den or seedy bar. No one wants to see you digging rock outta the crack of your ass on da cornder. (Now do you know why they call it crack?) And for the love of Christ, stop motha-fuckin' poppin caps in people's motha fuckin' asses! It's not nice! And it leads to jail! How many bitches you know shot someone and ain't wanted, in jail, or dead? Exactly, homes!

Now I know you thugz ain't hearin' a word I say, but you best listen up, close, hear... the police will get you! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they will find your sorry ass eventually so running is only going to cause you problems. Name one criminal, other than a politician, who 'got away with it.' Yeah, D.B. Cooper. And he was white. And he had a parachute. You got a parachute, homes?

Two things can happen when you run from the law. One is that you will go to jail tired with a whole mess of extra charges piled on your rap sheet. It happens all the time so just be a man, nut-up and take the collar. The other is that you might get the fuck beat out of you by gang of pissed off police, or worse. Take my word for it, the baloney sammiches are not any better in the infirmary.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Got Alibi?

"Suspected" DC Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey is now a "suspected" suicide. The body of a female was found dead in Palfrey's mothers home earlier today along with a "suspected" suicide note. I "suspect" her Johns are currently working on their alibis. Better check the roll calls on the hill.