Friday, December 28, 2007

Winning The War On Common Sense

Congratulations to George Bush and Condoleeza Rice for playing an instrumental part in the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Nice work kids, but you've still failed to start the Third World War you're desperately seeking. Granted, this isn't going to help the peace process much, but it will take a little more than the killing of a washed-up corrupt politician whom no-one really liked to begin with to bring your master plan of World Destruction to glorious fruition. Anyone know why Bhutto was denied a security detail from the Bush administrations pet bulldogs, Blackwater Security? She asked for one. She offered to pay them well. She was turned down. Funny how you don't hear much about Iraq these days. Even though we're winning the War on Terror and the Situation in Iraq is getting better, this has been the worst year yet with over 900 American deaths. Not that I have proof of any government shenanigans, but it certainly looks interesting, doesn't it? Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 27, 2007


The NOPD announced yesterday that suspected armed robber Elton Phillips was "released by accident." According to the NOPD, Phillips' paperwork sent over from the DA's office did not indicate any reason for him to be held in custody and he was released. Congratulations to the intelligent worker-bees of the NOPD! I guess no one watched the news or read a paper in the past six months. Otherwise, they may have recalled that Phillips was New Orleans #1 Most Wanted Fugitive. Luckily, Phillips was apprehended by alert Hammond Police on his way to "turn himself in."

Phillips was originally sought as a suspect in the robbery, shooting and eventual death of NOPD Officer Thelonius Dukes. Police have since cleared him of this charge, but he still faces charges of armed robbery from October 2007 when he allegedly held up a man at a Westbank gas station. The irate man got into his vehicle and chased Phillips and an accomplice right to the home of DA Eddie Jordan where he allegedly spun a tale of car trouble and he just needed to wait there until his Grammaw could come and get him. Jordan's girlfriend Cheri Robinson had spent the day with Phillips in Baton Rouge and hitched a ride back to New Orleans with him.

Upon hearing of the car accident, DA Jordan did not bother calling the police or ambulance and "went back to bed" leaving Phillips alone with Robinson. Locally, this is thought to be one of the straws which broke the DA's back, forcing him into early retirement. It was speculated that Jordan would soon get a nice, high paying job from one of his cronies, but he insisted that he simply wanted to spend time with his family for the next few months. Of course, just a week later it was revealed that Jordan signed on as a consultant with the New Orleans Police & Justice Foundation, a local non-proft organization, as part of his payoff for resigning. Now considering that the NOPD has nothing but disdain for Jordan and his incompetence as a DA, why one of their support organizations wants Jordan working for them is beyond me.

However, now that Judge Elloie is gone, it's more difficult than ever to get out of jail free and perhaps this is one of Eddie's Christmas presents to his girlfriends thug pal. Isn't it interesting that an organization which used to be run by Jordan submitted paperwork recusing itself from prosecution of Jordans' girlfriends thug-buddy? I'm not saying this happened, but it certainly bears further investigation, don't you think?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Reprobate In 2008!

Recently, an anonymous poster to this blog said they'd vote for me for President of the United States. Therefore, in the interests of giving the People what they want, I am pleased to announce my intention to run for President! Drop the bunting, toss the confetti and strike up the band!

So I've got one down and 324,999,999 to go!

But then we need to subtract the kids, they can't vote, so that makes about 205 million to go. And then there are the independent and non-party voters who should be an easy swing, so that leaves only 130 million. And as we all know, the ladies love me, so that leaves about 65 million voters I need to convince. But I'm a cat person, so I should be able to swing at least half of the cat owners in the U.S., so that drops it to about 30 million.

Ahh, but then there are felons, illegal aliens and foreign nationals who can't vote, so that leaves around 15 million. But the election isn't until next November, so if I subtract the infirm and the one person who dies every twelve seconds in this country there's only 10 million to go. And I should be able to nearly sweep my home state of Louisiana and my birth state of Pennsylvania. Let's say 75% there so that leaves 400,000 to go. And let's not forget the 385,000 or so Polish-Americans of voting age. That should bring it down to 15,000. And on my Flickr site, I have over 14,000 views, so I'm sure I can count on those folks for support, leaving just 1000 voters to swing.

But wait! Voter turnout hovers somewhere at a miserable 60% which means that all I need is around 70,000,000 votes to win the popular and electoral votes, but as we can see, I'm well over that. In fact, it's a freaking landslide. 224,999,000 to 1000! On behlf of the many people who helped make this victory possible, I thank you. You are all invited to the Inaugural Party. BYOB, of course!

Remember... "Vote early and often!"
-Al Capone

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dominic William

Yay! My first real e-con! Never got one of these before and I thought I'd share it with all five of my readers.

Now cons have been pulled since the dawn of time and there have been some beautifully crafted ones over the years. It's an art form. The big ones are pretty easy to spot, but the truly beautiful ones are the short-cons, involving very little cash. They work almost flawlessly and can keep a man eating from day to day. Here in New Orleans, one of my favorites is the "I can tell you where you got yo' shoes" con. A classic which, the first time it was pulled on me, I paid off simply because it was so brilliant. (If you don't know the answer, send me ten dollars and I'll tell you!)

This 'Dominic William' person however, is using an actual disaster, Alaska Flight 261, to prey on the unsuspecting morons of the world for his own personal gain. Shame on you sir! In the first place, this scam has already been documented on Wiki:

and other places. Secondly, I'm not stupid. Perhaps if you did a little research on your marks beforehand you could save some time. Third, I blog. And welcome to it. Not only have I posted your poorly written scam here, I have also posted it in my Flickr account where hundreds of people will see it every day. Time to get a job shithead. Your out of business.

For those of you who enjoy the art of the con, find a copy of "House of Games," David Mamet's directorial debut. This 1987 film stars Lindsay Crouse and Joe Mantegna and takes the viewer on a trip through the underside of human nature through a series of short-cons and one big score. The dialogue is stilted and theatre-like, but that's a by-product of Mamet's time in the stage world. Overall it's a really good flick.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Few Hundred More

Tonight we welcome a few hundred new members to the Nation Of Morons. Namely, those caring citizens of New Orleans who are fighting the good fight to help keep poor black people stuck in the Projects for another generation.

Emotions came to a head at todays city council meeting when angry citizens lost control and began a brawl which cleared the dais and sent council members scurrying off to safe rooms. The council had just begun a meeting to determine if the City of New Orleans and HANO, the Housing Authority of New Orleans, had the right to demolish the many rat infested, mold covered housing projects around the city. Soon after the disturbance was abated, the council got down to brass tacks and unanimously ruled that the projects must go in order for New Orleans to move forward, but also added provisos that the units must be replaced and no one would be denied their rights to fair housing.

Meanwhile, outside the building, throngs of angry protesters got even angrier when they were denied access to the already over-attended meeting. Instead of the usual chanting and folksinging, a few bright individuals began to storm the gates, breaking them open and starting a riot in an attempt to gain access to the council chambers. NOPD officers responded with tazers and pepper spray until they could regain control of the gates and reseal them with the use of handcuffs. And it was all broadcast live on WDSU channel 6, the local NBC affiliate.

Shortly after order was restored, WDSU began interviewing protesters. My favorite among these is a spindly bald white guy whining about how he was denied access to "our" meeting, (as if he ever spent a day in a housing project in his life,) and complaining that the mean old policeman tazered him and pepper sprayed him. No kidding. What did he expect would happen? The NOPD would give him a front row seat because his vandalism proved how much the meeting meant to him? Get real.

And then there was the post-meeting press conference. Good old C Ray Nagin was asked why he sent a letter of support to be read instead of showing up in person. His response was that "this was the councils' day." In other words, he sent an errand boy to say, "I'll back your vote, but if this blows up in your face I ain't got nothin' to do with it." He sure did bask in the camera glow afterwards though.

The problem I have with these protesters, many of whom I think have their hearts in the right place, is that they're fighting a wrong-headed battle. If it weren't for Katrina, most of the projects would be gone by now and the residents would be living in their new dwellings in the same locations. The demolition plans were finalized years ago and the housing replacement plan was already ongoing. This is not something the city just decided to do. Not only that, but people have to realize that public housing is not the be-all and end-all utopia that some seem to think it is. Before Katrina, all we heard was how terrible the projects are, and can't something be done about the crime in the projects. Now the projects are presented as an idyllic community where the air is fresh and the neighbors are always friendly. Get your story straight, folks!

Public housing was created to give the poor of this country a chance to climb out of the slums and make a better life for themselves and their families. At best, people were expected to stay 2-3 years while they saved up for a home of their own. Unfortunately, many folks in public housing units decided that the cheap rents were worth the occasional bullet through the wall and dug in like doughboys in the Ardennes Forest. There are people in New Orleans who are actually proud to be third- and fourth-generation St Bernard or St Pete. I'm sorry, but that's nothing to be proud of. It's sad and it shows how truly messed up the welfare and housing branches of our government really are.

As for those who are screaming that they have rights and the city can't take away their homes; think again. They are not your homes, no matter how long you've overstayed your welcome. They are owned by the city and you are effectively renting and the rest of the country is footing the bill. If my lease is up and my landlord decides not to renew it so he can tear down my apartment and build a strip mall, there's really nothing I can do about it. My landlord is required by law to give me adequate time to find a new place to live and that's about it. The people of the projects have had over two years. It's time to fight for something other than the right to live in squalor.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Are You ExJasperated Yet?

Presenting Ms Sharon Jasper: Welfare Poster Queen

By now this welfare whiner has been exposed for the useless piece of shit she is, but just in case you missed it, Ms Jasper has become an icon for the poor and downtrodden project victims you see on the evening news here in New Orleans. All she wants to do is return to her St Bernard Project crib where life was simple, but the Powers That Be are trying to destroy her lovely home. Since Katrina, she has been forced to live in the slum pictured above. Look at those terrible polished wood floors. And that teeny tiny TV she is forced to watch! It's a damn shame I tell you!

Further adding to her misery are the missing screens on her windows, the faucet with a slow leak, and a back door that doesn't quite close properly. Go ahead and squirt a few for her, I know you want to. It's amazing that the American people can allow thier tax money to be used so inefficiently to house this poor woman in such squalor. Yes, her rent is paid by a HANO voucher but it's simply not enough. Ms Jasper says she can't afford the security deposit on her "slum home" and her utility bills are just too high. According to her, she just "might do better out there with one of those tents," referring to the homeless tent city set up on Duncan Plaza.

Well I'm here to welcome Ms Jasper into the Nation Of Morons with open arms and a hale and hearty 'Go fuck yourself!' This woman is exactly what's wrong with public housing in America. She is surrounded with better things than most working people have in their homes, but it's still not enough. She wants more. In fact, she wants better. Here's another quote from Ms Sharon Jasper: "It's pitiful what people give you!" Really, that's a pretty pitiful 60-inch TV you have there Sharon. What would you prefer, your own walk-in theater? Howzabout I give you a pitiful kick in the ass sweetheart? Would that get you up off of it long enough to look for a job?

Oh, that's right, according to Ms Jasper, she can't work. I have yet to find out why, but I'll bet it has something to do with watching Judge Judy all day on that TV. Hmmm, did she ever think that the big TV might have something to do with her "high utility bills?" Or does she expect the electricity bill to be part of the gift of the TV?

Here's another gem from Sharon: "If you try to bulldoze our homes, we're going to fight... ...there's going to be a war in New Orleans." Perhaps the FBI should check Ms Jaspers' "slum home" for the equipment responsible for the flyers promising to burn down condos. If it checks out, I'll be awaiting my Crimestoppers check.

Now for those of you who think I'm being too harsh on Ms Sharon Jasper, I'll make her an offer. Move on up to the North Side of Kenner with me dear. You can have your own room in my stylish Chateau Estates home, I get to watch your big screen TV and HANO can put your rent check in my bank account. Of course, The bottom four feet of sheetrock is still missing here, but we'll hang some blankets on the walls for your privacy. Oh, and since the walls aren't done yet, the city won't clear my request for gas service, so you'll have to take cold showers and baths, but at least the faucets don't drip. One other thing, without gas service, there's no heat in the house, but the doors all close properly so if we build a fire in the fireplace it should keep us warm. Except that the carpets and sofas were all ruined in the storm so instead of that terrible hardwood floor or those horrible cushions you rest your ass on, we'll have to sit on the nice cold concrete. Sound good to you? I didn't think so dear, so sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and pray that you aren't investigated for housing fraud you greedy welfare pig.

I usually like to leave my readers with a wry little comment at the end of each article to sort of take the edge off, but I just can't seem to do so here. The only joke apparent is the fact that we taxpayers allow people like Ms Sharon Jasper to get away with this kind of bullshit. Merry Christmas.