Sunday, September 23, 2007


I'm only halfway through the season premiere of Family Guy: The Star Wars Episode and I already peed my pants a little. Thrice. You can take all the Lost, Heroes, Simpsons and Law & Orders and put them in the trash because this is probably the single greatest episode of a television series ever made. There are no spoiler warnings here, just the advice that you should lie, beg, borrow or steal to get your hands on this episode as soon as you can. I taped it. Don't you wish you did?

UPDATE: This is the single greatest episode of a television series ever made.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Bad Advice

From Otis the Drunk on The Andy Griffith Show regarding women: "You can talk all you want, but if you want results... hit her in the mouth with a leg of lamb."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Jena 6: Sending The Wrong Message

OK, let's forget the fact that Mychal Bell has four previous adjudications, the equivalent of an adult conviction. (2 criminal damage to property and 2 battery charges.) Let's forget that each time he was slapped on the wrist for these and allowed to continue playing football for Jena High. (Apparently sports stardom trumps racism in small town America.) Let's forget the racial overtones in this case. Let's operate on the facts alone.

Six children assaulted one child. One kid snuck up behind Justin Barker and hit him in the back of the head, so hard that it knocked him unconcious. Then the Jena 6 kicked and stomped him so badly that he spent almost three hours in the local emergency room for injuries to his head and face. That's it. A six-against-one sneak attack. And I'm supposed to feel sorry for these thugs?

I don't think so.

Now let's bring in the racial stuff and have some fun. If the little town of Jena, (for all you dumbass reporters in the media who still can't get it right it's pronounced Jeena, not Jenna) is supposed to be this 85% white mecca of racism, why was Mychal Bell not thrown in jail on any of his previous offenses? Oh, yeah, he's a football star in the making. A running back too. Apparently the next OJ Simpson.

Now let's examine the all white jury of six. Al Sharpton would have you believe that this is inherently racist, however of the hundred or so computerized summons sent out, not one single black person showed up! It has been rumoured that this was an intentional ploy to create a racially biased jury, ensuring that any convictions would be immediately thrown out on appeal, but I don't know how much of that I believe. Of the six jurors, only one is male and he actually attended school with and knew Mychal Bell's father. Were they freinds? Enemies? Or just acquaintances? That relationship alone could be grounds for dismissal.

"But it was racism that triggered the beating," you say. Well, let's see. According to the media, this is a result of white kids hanging nooses from a tree which a black student sat under. A tree which has traditionally been a white student gathering place on the school grounds. Now I'm not trying to downplay the incredible stupidity of the white students who received three day suspensions. They should have been expelled and charged with hate crimes for hanging those nooses. But of the 30-40 witnesses interviewed, none of them linked the beating to the noose incident!

On August 31, 2006, a black male freshman asked the Jena High principal for permission to sit under the "white tree." The principal rightly told the student that he could sit anywhere he wanted. The following morning, three nooses were found hanging in the "white tree." The students responsible were caught and the principal recommended expulsion, but the school board gave them three days of in-school suspension. Three months later, on December 4th, the beating occured. And guess what? Justin Barker had nothing to do with the nooses! Justin's beating came from his own incredible stupidity. Earlier that day Barker was overheard laughing and joking about how one of his attackers, Robert Bailey, Jr, was beaten by a white man the week before. Racism? Yes, but at least get the facts straight!

As for the attempted murder charges which everyone thinks is too strong, what would you call six people beating an already unconcious kid? If they stopped after he fell unconcious then I'd say assault and battery would be fine, but since knocking him unconcious was the first act followed by five or ten minutes of kicking and stomping... well, I say tough shit. If you continue to beat an unconcious person it shows that you have no concern for that persons life. That's attempted murder folks.

The upshot of all this is that there is an incredibly misguided public outcry of support for six thugs who snuck up on one kid and beat him unconcious, almost killing him. Even David Bowie has donated $10,000 for their defense. Right now, as you read this, the media is teaching children everywhere that it's perfectly fine to beat someone if he's white and you're black. It's utterly repugnant to me. Where were the so-called black leaders during the noose incedent? Why didn't someone teach these kids about the law and file suit against the noose hangers? That could have shown todays kids, the Jena 6 especially, that violence is not the correct recourse to racism. With all the mis-informed attention this case has gotten the Jena 6 will probably get off light and they better look at this as a second chance to turn their lives around.

But I'm white, so I guess I'm just another racist regardless of the facts.

Ahoy Matey!

As I be a friendly sort, I fancy tellin' yer that it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Ev'ry yar since way back in '95, the 19th o' Septemb'r has been the day o' celebration o' this wackiness. I just thought it be well and good to Blog Like A Pirate as well! So hoist the mizzen, batten the hatches, raise the Roger and steer yer vessels true into the briny seas of adventure. Ahhhhrrrrr!

(Umm... ye've got some parrot poop thar on yer shoulder.)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


OK, so here I sit through K-Ville on FOX one more time. I have to give it a second chance. Admittedly, the first viewing wasn't all that bad if you can forgive those incredibly stupid choices producers make when they try to "improve" on the script. Things like chasing a bad guy through the Vieux Carre, then mysteriously under the Westbank side of the GNO Bridges, (you heard me, there is no such thing as the Crescent City Connection,) then ending the chase back downtown without ever crossing the bridges. And the little things like getting the local flavor almost right but stopping just short of 100%. Whatever.

The script wasn't too bad. Farfetched but plausible plot thread for the bad guys in the pilot. The backstory for the white cop however really stretches the limits of credibility. Hell, it stretches the limits of Willing Suspension Of Disbeleif, but again, whatever. I'll go ahead and give it a half-hearted thumbs up because overall it looks like they really are trying hard to get the feel of the city. Only time will tell if this show is for real, or if it's just another vehicle for the Carpet-baggers to make a quick buck off the "po' local folk."


There is one thing that simply cannot be condoned, and that is the epileptic camera work. I get the fact that they're trying to capture the handheld realism that JJ Abrams accomplishes so well at certain points in "Lost," but for crying out loud, it gives me a migraine to watch! It seems like almost every other scene has a spastic at the helm of the cameras. Knock it off guys or you're going to have half the city puking by the third commercial break.

That''s really all I have for now, but I'll let you know my take as it goes.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Humberto Rising

It's Thursday, September 12th, just past nine in the Ante of the Meridiem. As I type, TS/H Humberto is slowly creeping east toward our homes. Already the storm has knocked out power for 100,000 Tejans and reportedly killed one. This bodes not well for our town as the current administration has yet to clear many sewers of Katrina's debris, not to mention the collective trash of the past fifty years. Mark my words, if Humberto doesn't die out in the next six hours, we will soon be swimming in the streets again. Remember, the slower it moves, the longer it dumps on us. This is your Action Weather Pest, signing off for now.

As for the winds, well, I recently had the Army Corps contractors over for a Garden Party and they had a work order different from the estimate given to me by the ACE. The upshot of it is, the tree leaning toward my neighbors house is still leaning toward my neighbors house and the tree whose branches are spreading through the power lines still has its branches spreading through the power lines. As the lead tree guy told me, "I wouldn't worry about those. You haven't had any big storms or hurricanes yet."

Well thanks for your brilliant insight you myopic twat. It's the storms in the future I'm worried about! So far, the City of Kenner, the Parish of Jefferson, the ACE, and Entergy have all picked up little twigs and sticks from the yard, each claiming that they or the ACE would bring these trees down. After the first four months of waiting I brought two down myself, but they were relatively small and not leaning over the neighbors or next to high voltage lines. Two years later and still getting that good old Beauraucratic Runaround. My tax dollars at rest, eh? I wonder how much I'll be able to sue them for if these trees come down during Humberto? I better shove the attorney section of the Yellow Pages in some Tupperware, I may need them!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Shocking Displays Of Vulgarity!

Am I the only one who has become bored with the tame porn out there on the web? Is there nothing left which can stir my inner desires? Indeed there is... Furniture Porn!! Enter freely and of your own will, but be prepared for some of the most shocking diplays of hot action you have ever seen!! Read the agreement carefully, you will not regret it, and once inside go straight to the roof sex video. Steamy stuff indeed!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Department Of Duh!

I refuse to speculate on whether Madeleine McCann's parents had anything to do with her disappearance, but I'd like to address the outrage surrounding the police questioning and suspecting them. Get over it. They were suspects from the very beginning. In every child abduction case the police investigate the parents. It would be incredibly stupid not to, and in many cases the investigation finds one or two guilty parents. Deal with it. If they're innocent, they have nothing to worry about. If not, then won't you in the angry mob feel stupid?

The Race Is On!

It was only a matter of time before Bill Jefferson played the race card and apparently, that time is now. Jefferson's lawyers have filed a dozen motions for dismissal of charges but the one that really kills me is the one which claims that his trial was set in Virginia in order to reduce the chance of minorities on the jury. Jefferson wants the trial held in Washington, DC and has filed motions to view any and all documents regarding choice of venue in order to prove that racism was a factor in the choice.

Jefferson is basically saying that minorities are more likely to find him innocent and that white people are all racists and will find him guilty, an incredibly racist viewpoint in and of itself. Does Billy think black people are so stupid that they won't be able to understand the facts? Or is there some sort of unwritten rule that all black folks stick together when one of their own is on trial? Or does he simply distrust all white people? Either way, it's just more proof of how unfit he is to hold public office.

That's Why It's Not Called A Brainy Pageant

First, click here and watch this video, I'll wait. For those lazy few, let me transcribe it for you. It's Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, attempting to answer a question in the Miss Teen USA contest.

Q: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

A: I personally believe... that... U.S. Americans are unable to do so... because, uh, some... people out there in our nation don't have maps, and uh, I believe that our ud... education like such as uh, South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and... I believe that they should, uh, our education over here, in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.


U.S. Americans? As opposed to Russian Americans? The Iraq? One out of five cant locate the U.S. on a map because they don't have maps? Whatever crap about world peace your pageant coach tried to cram in your head for the Q&A session didn't quite sink in did it? Except the part about using "brainy" phrases such as "such as." (That's how the phrase is used dear.) She sounds like... uh, George Bush! And this clueless dolt was the fourth runner-up!

I remember waking up with the Miss Teen USA contest assaulting my senses at this very point in the program but I thought it was just my hangover scrambling the words. I quickly changed the channel and forgot about it, but came across it again on the web. I suppose people will think I'm being mean by calling attention to Lauren's incredible stupidity, but dammit, why does this nation put up with people like this? Can't we take a stand against stupidity? Immediately after her mouth stopped moving the judges should have thanked her and sent her home. "I'm so sorry Miss Teen South Carolina, but your brain does not meet our needs at this time."

But that will never happen will it? Because as a nation, we are willing to forgive the cute and beautiful for being stupid. Look at Katie Couric as an example. She's just so damn cute we don't really mind that her head is full of feathers. We forgive her for hiring a plagiarist to ghost-write her blog for her because her smile is so sweet. It's all so sad. Of course, I haven't been able to figure out why we're so forgiving of George Bush. Nothing cute at all about that monkey-faced cretin, but still we let him run around creating mistakes that will cost us dearly down the road. I guess if we're willing to elect an intellectually bankrupt President there's no hope of ever blotting out stupidity in this nation. Whoops, I gotta go... Desperate Housewives is on!

You Are Not Free To Move About The Country

I'm so torn by this article. For those of you too lazy to click through, a Southwest Airlines supervisor removed Kyla Ebbert from one of it's flights because he decided her outfit was not family freindly. It's incomprehensible that some dickhead named Keith is so full of "Moral Fiber" that he can spot inappropriate attire at the drop of a hat, but at the same time, Kyla Ebbert should probably rethink her wardrobe choices. The above-referenced article has a picture of the outfit in question, a semi-short white skirt and white tank top covered by a half-length green sweater which, honestly, makes Kyla look like one of those skanks at Hooters.


OK, so she is one of those skanks at Hooters, but should she be removed from a flight for this? Absolutely not. Now I'll admit that the outfit simply screams "I need attention, I'm 23 and I look 35 but my tits and ass are still firm" and she should be probably shot for wearing it in public, but it's Supervisor Keith's actions that really pissed me off. After she had boarded her flight and taken her seat, Supervisor Keith approached her and asked her to come to the front of the plane. Confused, she complied, only to be told that Southwest was a family airline and she would not be allowed to fly in such a "revealing" outfit. Smooth move Keith. A little advice though: Next time you want to hit on a skank, just offer her a drink or a bump in the bathroom.

Ebbert was taking a day flight with no luggage so she really had no option of changing clothes, but Supervisor Keith had a plan. She could go to one of the shops in the airprort and buy something more appropriate to wear. Hmmm. Maybe Supervisor Keith is getting kickbacks from the Duty Free shop. Regardless, if he hadn't been such a twit, no one would have even noticed Ebbert's tacky attire. You've been on a plane before, yes? Aside from the portly mouth-breathing buisinessman next to you, how many other travellers can you see from your seat without seriously craning your neck? Exactly, none. So basically, Supervisor Keith created a huge problem, delayed an airline flight, and embarrased a poor girl all because he decided that other people on the flight who hadn't complained and couldn't even see this woman shouldn't be threatened with the possibility of catching sight of her outfit. Rock on Keith. Was your He-Man moment everything you thought it would be? Did you love the little taste of power?

Southwest Airlines, I applaud you for supporting your employees incredibly bad decisions. It shows you really care about the people you hire. Of course, I'll never buy a ticket from you shit-heels ever again, but that's because you're attempting to play the morally righteous role. It's bad enough that airlines have the absolutely worst service to cost ratio, but I don't need the hassle of your fashion police breathing down my neck. Plus, I've met some of your stewardesses at local bars here in New Orleans. They were dressed nicely, but the stuff they were doing on the dance floor... well, it's still illegal in 38 states. Maybe you should worry more about how your employees represent themselves and less about what your paying customers are wearing.

As for you, Miss Ebbert, I don't care what you wear, but have some self respect. You say you were going to see a doctor. For what? A quickie? Who dresses like that for a doctor visit? Stop pretending you're as young as you were in high school and get yourself some decent outfits for travel. If you want to dress like a whore, save it for an appropriate venue.

Like Hooters.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Katrina Solution

I am here to defuse the conspiracy theorists ahead of time. The six nukes which were "accidentally" shipped to New Orleans via B-52 were not sent here to silence the detractors of the Bush Regime, nor were they sent here to blow the new levees during the next storm. I know many of you think this was a master-stroke of genius. What better way to rid the country of the eyesore that is the Lower Ninth Ward and the spectre of Hurricane Katrina victims who are still living in poison trailers waiting for their Federal Unlimited Cash for Katrina checks than to stage a good old "nukular" terror strike right here in the Big Easy.

Fortunately the First Ape isn't smart enough to think of that.

Sure, we all know the drill from countless Sci-Fi novels. People aren't getting along. Government fakes massive terror attack/alien invasion. People band together in the spirit of brotherhood. But as we also know, the First Ape won't (or can't) read so how would he know about that particular plan. Unless someone told him the plot of the upcoming Watchmen movie...