Thursday, September 25, 2008

Duke Of Hurl

Attempting to prove that white people can be just as racist and incompetent as Mayor Ray Nagin, state Rep John Labruzzo has opened up his mouth and deposited a stinking pile of vomit on the doorstep of Louisiana. Labruzzo has come up with a plan to pay "poor" people $1000 cash money to tie their tubes, be they male or female. He also wants to give tax breaks to "wealthy, college-educated people" if they promise to breed more. Honestly, words fail me.

Wait, no they don't…

The little white boy from District 81, (yes, the same district that catapulted "former" KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to political power,) says it's because welfare is costing the state too much money. Hmmm, fix the system or the populace, which is easier? Labruzzo claims that this is not racist since more white people are on welfare than other races. Perhaps in his district, which runs from Old Metairie to Bucktown, this is true, but Labruzzo is "still gathering data" so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Johhny says the plan will be completely voluntary. Of course, in a few years when it's not working they can always make it mandatory. Hell, why stop at the tubes. Let's hack off cocks and rip out vaginas. Jesus, Johnny, why bother to even pay for this? Why not just gather up some good ol' boys in the back of a pick-up truck and have a good old fashioned po' folks Krystallnacht. You could wipe out poverty in District 81 with just $1000 worth of shotgun shells! Think of the available housing! Think of the taxes that land could bring in! Think of the glorious rich, white, well-educated suburban landscape you could build!

This is such an incredibly ridiculous proposal that I refuse to devote any more time to it than this: Under Labruzzo's plan, the world would eventually be populated with productive taxpayers like John DuPont, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richey and the Bush Twins and we would never again see another Andrew Carnegie, George Washington Carver or Sister Gertrude Morgan. Think about that next time you're contemplating government sanctioned slaughter you worthless twunt.

In closing, I recommend Mr Labruzzo visit his doctor quickly as it seem that his own internal plumbing is in need of serious attention: The shit spewing forth from his mouth makes me think he's talking out of his ass.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


Ruth Grace Moulon

Reposer en Paix

Monday, September 8, 2008

Alternative Politics

OK, so my 2008 Presidential non-campaign is a bust thanks to many states creating a tangle of red tape for write-In candidates, but have no fear, there are alternatives to the Palin/Obama campaigns. While the Big News Media relentlessly force feeds red and blue pills to the country every hour, there is a veritable rainbow of medication out there to cure your election ills. Come with us now, on a journey of discovery, through the world of presidential hopefuls for the 2008 election!

Let's start with Democratic candidate and probable victor, Barack Obama. Obama, the former media darling, has seen his numbers fall in the last week. Even though the choice of Joe Biden as a running mate gave him a much needed boost, he's been staying far below the radar. On the plus side, Obama represents "change" for the way the country is run. On the negative side, his association with racist churches and Chicago criminals make people think twice about him as a viable candidate. Right in the middle is the race card. He's a black man! Ooooh! Scary!

The fact is, he's only half black, and this should really be a strong point for him, bridging the gaps, bringing Americans closer together, but there are idiots out there that simply can't cross that Mason-Dixon line and admit that skin color means nothing. They can't bring themselves to vote for him because that would mean the end of the White Male American power structure. Face it Whitey, you're gonna have to pick your own cotton from now on. Evolve or die.

Next we have the Palin/McCain ticket. I liked McCain a lot in his first run for president. He was a maverick then, but alas, things change. (That must be the change he keeps talking about.) Years ago, when he had Bush on the ropes, the RNC yanked his chain and promised him the '08 nomination if he'd roll over and play dead for Georgie-boy. He did just that. Now, with the addition of Sarah Palin, his campaign is moving forward at breackneck speed, but there's a problem. She overshadows him.

As an example, let's look at recent Fox "News" broadcasts. Palins' speeches are broadcast almost in full. After introducing McCain, Fox cuts away to talk about other "breaking" news, often skipping McCain altogether. And Fox is the Republican mouthpiece! How can you vote for a man whose own party puts him on the back burner in favor of the running mate? Add in the RNC's thinking that women across the nation will somehow ignore the fact that Palin has only one year of governorship under her wing and vote the Republican ticket just because she's a woman… If I were a woman, I'd be incensed. Hell, as a rational, thinking human being it's offensive to me!

Next we have perennial also-ran and Christian conservative Alan Keyes of America's Independent Party. He failed to gain the nomination of the Republican and Constitution parties so he joined up with disgruntled members of California's American Independent Party, themselves a splinter group of the Constitution party. The AIP claims to be the third largest national political party by number of voters, but like the armed forces of the world, there's a serious drop in numbers after the first two groups. Keyes running mate is California pastor and radio announcer Wiley Drake.

Too old-school right-wing? Then how about a hip, new electronic-age party? The Boston Tea Party held their convention online in June of 2008 where they put their trust in Floridian Charles Jay. Jay is a former Libertarian who ran for president in 2004 with the Personal Choice Party. His running mate then was former porn star Marilyn Chambers. Jay, a boxing manager and promoter is running with Thomas L Knapp, a Missouri blogger and editor of the online magazine Rational Review. The Boston Tea Party is composed of disgruntled Libertarians and maintains ties to the Personal Choice Party through their website. Knapp is also a Libertarian candidate for Missouri's Second Congressional District.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to the U.S. Taxpayers Party formed way back in 1992, it turned into the Constitution Party in 1999. The CP also stakes a claim to the third largest political party by number of registered voters but we've already explained the drop from second to third so let's move on to their nominee, another Floridian, Chuck Baldwin. A former Republican, Baldwin is a Baptist Pastor and a sharp critic of the Bush Administration. He opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants and supports the 9/11 Truth Movement. This is his second nomination for president with the Constitution Party. His running mate is attorney and activist Darrell Castle from Memphis, Tennessee. Baldwin seems willing to tell the emperor he has no clothes, which is rare in a politician. I give you this quote from a column he wrote in December, 2007:

"Unfortunately, it has been the Christian Right's blind support for President Bush in particular and the Republican Party in general that has precipitated a glaring and perhaps fatal defect: the Christian Right cannot, or will not, honestly face the real danger confronting these United States. The reason for this blindness is due, in part, to political partisanship or personal aggrandizement. Regardless, the Christian Right is currently devoid of genuine sagacity. On the whole, they fail to understand the issues that are critical to our nation's--and their own--survival."

Jeepers! not only does he use the word 'sagacity,' but he uses it correctly! I don't mean by definition, but in regard to the lack thereof within the Christian Right. Color me impressed!

And then there's the Green Party, such as it is these days. Made up of little separate Green Parties in each state, Ralph Naders' organization has become steeped in disarray since his decision to abandon them in favor of true independent status. Regardless, their nominee is Cynthia McKinney, a former Democratic House Representative and Congresswoman from Georgia. Her running mate is Rosa Clemente, a New York community organizer, journalist and "Hip-Hop activist," whatever that means.

McKinney took Al Gore to task for not having "more than one black person around him at any given time." I suppose she was speaking of Gores' campaign manager, Donna Brazile. She also accuses George Bush of knowing the 9/11 attacks were imminent, but remaining silent because of his father's business ties to bin Laden's construction company through the Carlyle Group. Interesting reading, to say the least.


You'd think that with "Liberty" stamped all over our collective loose change the Libertarians would have a better time of things during an election year. Guess not. In 2006 the Libertarians ranked 5th behind the Republican, Democratic, Constitution, and Green parties. And they've been around since 1971! For the 2008 contest, they've hoisted former Republican House Rep and Congressman Bob Barr from Georgia. Barr is the epitome of Right-Wing Conservatism; pro-gun, anti-choice, anti-tax, anti-Wiccan and anti-gay. One wonders why the Republicans don't take a closer look at him. Barr's running mate is Wayne Allyn Root who, according to Wiki is a "business mogul, television celebrity, TV producer, best-selling author, and professional sports handicapper." So if they lose, at least he's got that going for him.

It's history lesson time! Remember Prohibition? That dark age between 1919 and 1933 when the only liquor you could find came from a bathtub and was served in dark, secluded speakeasies? Well the Prohibition Party does and they're still fighting to outlaw alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs and "commercial vices," whatever those may be. Amazingly, the Prohibition Party was founded in 1869 and has had a candidate in every presidential election since 1872! The PP fell into disarray in 2003 with the secession of Earl Dodge, their nominee since 1984, and a handful of other members. Legal battles ensued over the funds for the PP and Dodge's newly formed National Prohibition Party whose membership was reportedly limited to less than a dozen individuals.

The historic PP has nominated Gene Amondsen, a landscape painter, woodcarver, minister and activist from Washington State. He was also their candidate in 2004. His running mate is Leroy Pletten of Michigan, also the running mate in 2004. The seceded National Prohibition Party was to nominate Earl Dodge once again, but his death in 2007 caused them to adopt Amondsen as their candidate, however they are pairing him with Dodge's original running mate, Howard Lydick. So if you hate booze and cards, go with Amondsen, but don't be surprised if the Veep's have a no-holds-barred cage fight to see which one gets to serve. (That almost tempts me to vote Prohibition!)

Looking for reform? Try the Reform Party of the United States of America! Founded in 1995 by H Ross Perot, (remember that Giant Sucking Sound?) the only thing this party has been able to reform is their nominee every four years. Perot in 1996, Pat Buchanan in 2000, and Ralph Nader in 2004 are all well known names in politics but the need for change runs so deep these days the Reform Party is going with the flow and floating Tylertown, Mississippi resident Ted Weill. Weill founded his own party, the Independent Party of Mississippi, but in 1997 merged that party with the RP. He is running with Californian Frank McEnulty. It is hoped that the 83 year old Weill will breathe some much needed life into the Reform Party this season. Hey, it could happen…

Speaking of Frank McEnulty, he's also the presidential candidate for the New American Independent Party. Of course, this should not be considered a conflict of interest as he only signed on with the Reform Party in states where the NAIP cannot achieve ballot status. He has yet to choose a running mate but hopes run high that this can be accomplished before the election.

For you liberated social voters, there's the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Formed in 2004 by a splinter cell of the Cold-War era Workers World Party, the PSL is comprised primarily of Marxists from San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Washington, D.C. They have nominated Californian Gloria LaRiva, the WWP nominee in 1992, as their 2008 candidate. LaRiva was also the WWP Veep candidate in 1984, 1988, 1996 and 2000. Other than being a professional candidate, she has Translated a book written by Fidel Castro and produced some direct-to-video documentaries. The PSL Veep candidate is Virginian Eugene Puryear, a student at Howard University and Jesse-Jackson-In-Training. Among the many accomplishments in his young life are marches to free the Jena 6 and marches against the Iraq War.

If LaRiva and Puryear aren't Social enough for you, why not check out Socialist Party USA! (I picture dozens of teens in go-go boots and drab gray jumpsuits doing the Frug to balilaika music.) Although the SPU warns everyone not to confuse them with Eugene V Debs' Socialist Party of America, it's very difficult not to, considering the SPU was formed in 1973 by members of the SPA just as soon as the SPA disbanded. The trouble is that two other groups formed at the same time: the Democratic Socialist Organizing Comittee, (which would become the Democratic Socialists of America in 1982,) and the now defunct People's Party. The SPU apparently got the rights to the SPA's slogan, "Worker's Of The World Unite!" Or did they? As Socialists, the slogan technically would belong to anyone who wanted to use it, eh?

SPU is the only one of the above groups to enter a candidate in the 2008 presidential election with their selection of Brian Moore of Florida. (Moore is also the Liberty Union Party candidate, but don't let that confuse you. The LUP basically just picks the most popular socialist candidate and pretends he's running for them.) Moore, a former Republican, Democrat, Independent and Green Party member became a socialist in 2007 after opponents in previous elections kept calling him one. (Hey, if you can't beat 'em…) Moore is described on the internet as an "elected official" but as far as I can tell, the only elections he's won were in the eighties where he spent three terms on a neighborhood advisory council in Washington, DC. He is also a community organizer, although the communities he's organized are in Bolivia, Panama, and Peru.

Moore's running mate is Stewart Alexander, who once traveled to Israel to connect with his Christian past. Upon arriving, he was arrested for failing to travel in a group, Stewart spent the night in jail before being unceremoniously shipped back to the United States. He was told by the Israeli government that he is no longer welcome in their country in the future. That might hinder him slightly in the Middle East Foreign Policy area.

And if you aren't tired of the Commies yet, there's the Socialist Workers Party. I must admit that the SWP has one of the most interesting candidates. Ever. Róger Calero. Born in Nicaragua, Calero and his family fled to Los Angeles in 1985. And even though he was convicted of felony sale of marijuana in 1988, he obtained his Green Card just five years later in 1990 and is now considered a permanent resident alien. The SWP launched massive protests calling the conviction political harassment and generally annoying the US Government so much that in 2003 it dropped the conviction, released Calero and canceled his upcoming deportation. Now that's the fucking American Dream! His running mate is labor activist Alyson Kennedy from Indianapolis who, by contrast, is simply boring.

Oh, one more thing… since Calero was born in Nicaragua he stands no chance of ever resting his ass in the Oval Office La•Z•Boy, but the little guy has gumption, don't he!

And let's not forget Jack Grimes. (No relation to deceased Simpson's minor character Frank Grimes, that we know of.) Jack has not announced a running mate as yet, but as soon as his United Fascist Union Party picks one, we'll be sure to let you know. Grimes may or may not have co-founded the ARLP, (I tried, but it's so secret no-one knows what it stands for,) with fellow fascist Greg Zuby and may or may not have been kicked out of, or seceded from, the ARLP, depending on which gossip thread you read and/or believe. Both Grimes and Zuby are products of the United States Armed Forces.

Hey, didn't we mention Ralph Nader a few times? We did, but it seems the Party is over for Nader. On February 24, 2008, Green Party founder Ralph Nader officially announced his candidacy on Meet The Press as a true Independent. He is running with San Franciscan Matt Gonzalez, also a former Green Party member. I guess all the fuss and fooferall of other people distract Nader from his ability to rule, whether he has the One Ring or not.

Another true Independent is Transparency advocate Kelcey Wilson who announced his candidacy on his blog. Kelcey is sooooo cute! Not physically, of course, but his website,, has such funny things on it. Like the eye-straining use of almost every font installed with Windows '98. Or the clever quotation, "The Ends don't justify the means - the means are also ends." What the fuck does that mean! (Or is that, what the fuck does that end?) His site also has a little feature where you can "watch" what he's doing now! 71 days ago, he liked yogurt! 54 days ago he was "totally flabulous!" I must say, I'm totally flimpressed! I guess we know where the flabulous yogurt vote is going.

And there are countless other independents across these United States: performance artist and frequent Jesse Helms target Frank Moore, (as yet unregistered with the Federal Election Comittee,) Ohioan political newcomer Donald K Allen, software engineer and MENSAn Richard Clark, small business exec Jon Greenspon, ad-man Steve Kissing, Nevada professor of logic and capital-letter-lover Brad Lord-Leutwyler, North Carolinan veteran Tom Millican, and minister/author/homemaker Ruth Bryant White, all running hard to be your next president.

So you see, you have alternatives, you have a brain, put the two together and shake up the system! If the next four years suck ass, you have only yourself to blame!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Palin In A Nutshell

Chuck Todd of NBC recently interviewed former McCain campaign manager Mike Murphy and former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan. After the interview, an NBC employee failed to switch to the next segment. Thanks to Loki of Humid City for posting this!


Read along if you wish:

Murphy: You know, because I come out of a blue swing state governor world. Engler, Whitman, Tommy Thompson, Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush. And these guys, this is all like, how you win a Texas race, you know, just run it up… And it’s not gonna work.

Noonan: It’s over.

Murphy: Still, McCain can give a version of the Lieberman speech to do himself some good.

NBC’s Chuck Todd: Don't think the Palin pick was insulting to Kay Bailey Hutchinson, too?

Noonan: I saw Kay this morning.

Todd: She's never been comfortable about it.

Murphy: They’re all bummed out.

Todd: I mean, is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?

Noonan: The most qualified? No. I think they went for this, excuse me, political bullshit about narratives and (inaudible) the picture.

Murphy: I totally agree.

Noonan: Every time the Republicans do that because that’s not where they live and it’s not what they’re good at and they blow it.

Murphy: You know what’s really the worst thing about it? The greatness (Noonan: Sorry guys.) of McCain is no cynicism and this is.

Todd: This is cynical… and, and… as you called it, gimmicky.

Of course, Noonan maintains that she meant their segment was over, not the Republican Campaign. Whatever helps you keep your job Peggy. Judging by the gushing praise she lavishes on the "political bullshit" Veep candidate in her recent Wall Street Journal column, she'll be fine.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Did She Just Say…

Republicans want everyone to leave her family out of it, so I'll refrain from commenting on the first boring fifteen minutes of her speech.

Watching La Palin give her speech. Did she just say "Lay more pipe?"

Wow. No one delivers snide rhetoric like an angry woman. She has some good speech writers, doesn't she? Sounds a lot like the First Ape, except she can actually form complete sentences without going "uhhhmmmmm" every fifth word.

Notice how every state she mentions is a "swing" state? As if the people of Ohio are stupid enough to vote for McCain just because their state was mentioned in a speech on national TV. Well, it is Ohio. OK, it might work...

"Do-Nothing Senate?" You mean the one John McCain is has been a member of since 1987?

OK, now she brings up his military service. There's no way to say this without offending someone but I do not mean this to be cruel, nor do I intend disrespect to John McCain. He fought for our country in one of our most questionable conflicts. He didn't run away and hide, and his patriotism is not in question in my mind. But…

Every time the Republicans bring up McCain's military record, we're supposed to get all teary eyed. His military record is always alluded to as qualifying him for the presidency. Really? He was in Vietnam just a few months before being captured. It seems to me that a better presidential candidate would be someone who didn't get captured. My god, the man crashed three planes in practice! He graduated 5th from the bottom of his class of 899! Enough already!

Crap. Now I missed the end of the words that the RNC writers prepared for her.

Oh well, the RNC is almost over. For those of you who think I'm being too rough on the Repugnicans, (yes, it's a combination of repugnant and republican,) just hold your horses. The debates are coming and I'm sure I'll be more democratic in my ranting then.

What The F...

Looks like my campaign is getting derailed. I decided to do some research on write-in candidates and it seems the great states of Louisiana and Mississippi do not allow write-in candidates. Most other states require a list of electors to be submitted prior to the election, (sometimes months prior,) in order for write-in votes to be considered valid. Some states also require fees to be paid by the candidate in order for him or her to be deemed acceptable. So much for free elections.

Sorry Joe, but your vote's gone too. Apparently I needed to file Form DS-DE 85 between July 1st and 8th with the Florida Department of Elections. Anyone with me for 2012?

For your educational edification: Write-In Rules By State

We Should Listen To You, Why?

Did it ever occur to anyone that the Democratic and Republican National Conventions are comprised of speeches given by people deemed too unacceptable to win their respective party nomination? Basically, the biggest losers in the country are all trying to convince us to listen to their advice. Does this make any sense?

Her Dress Is Freaking Blinding Me

Cindy McCain looks green. Very green. Like a bottle of Chartreuse green. Chartreuse is a 920 year old monk liqueur. It's quite potent.

The Sound Of One Flip Flopping

McCain is committed to running a "campaign based on the issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, April, 2008

"This election is not about issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, September, 2008

Take This Brother, May It Serve You Well

Anyone see McCain in the receiving line on the airport tarmac? He zipped past his own family rather quickly and stopped for a paternal chat with Bristol Palin and her 'fiancé' Levi Johnston. We don't know what was said, but it was probably something like, "Geez kids, I'm really sorry you got outed. It's not my fault, I wanted to run with Joey." You can see it here. (There's a crappy commercial at first, deal with it.) McCain actually looks stiff and uncomfortable hugging his own family but comfortable as all hell hugging his "soulmate," (his words,) Sarah Palin. And watch at the end as McCain hands something to Levi. It's small and fits in the palm of a hand; Levi keeps his fingers clenched around it after the pass. It could simply be a McPalin campaign button, but I'm guessing it was a condom.

Sarah Palin For President!

I thought John McCain was running for president. You wouldn't know it from his new ad…

And he approved that! It's clear that with the RNC's choice of Palin as a running mate, they have lost their only area of attack on Obama, namely that of experience. Suddenly they are unable to compare and contrast Obama to their own candidate so they substitute the running mate? Did I miss something? Never before in the history of the United States of America have I seen a Veep candidate compared to a Presidential candidate of the opposite party! this is just mind-boggling! This ad is possibly the single greatest example of just how fractured and in disarray the Republican Party is.

Let's take a look at some other examples, shall we?

Until last week, McCain was leaning toward Joe Lieberman as his running mate in order to swing the independent voters, but the Reublican Party refused this choice and forced Palin into the Veep spot. So even though McCain is supposed to be an independent maverick for change, it's clear he's being puppeteered by the RNC. And if you think they're going to take their hand out of his ass if he makes it to the Oval Office, you're too far gone for me to help so you may as well stop reading now.

Instead of choosing a running-mate that could ease partisan tensions, corral thousands of swing votes and build the base of the Republican Party, the RNC is simply preaching to the converted by pushing Palin onto the ticket. The evangalical cats are creaming their jeans over Palin and the hardcore red-staters are finally happy that someone on their party's ticket has a pair of republican balls, but with Palin, the RNC is essentially telling the swing voters, (and pretty much everyone else,) that their voices have been heard and ignored. Here comes more of the same.

(Warning: Typical Male Sexist Comment Imminent) Palin completes McCain by adhering to the Party Canon where he falls short. For example, McCain opposes more offshore drilling in the United States. Palin is absolutely fanatical for more drilling. (Typical Male Sexist Comment in 3… 2… 1…) My goodness, she already has five kids; how much more drilling does she want! OK, OK, I apologize. That was completely unprofessional, but then I don't get paid for this so hard cheese! Back to the rant…

Now I understand that this is Sarah's Big Day and naturally the BNM flies should be buzzing around and about her, but shouldn't there also be someone talking about John McCain? I mean, the above ad not withstanding, he is supposed to be the Republican candidate, isn't he? Add to this, the fact that unlike any other Veep candidate in the history of the United States, the RNC has cloisterd Palin away from the media. No interviews, no sound bites, no nothing. The press releases say that she is working on her speech, but I think it's more a case of the RNC drilling their propaganda more firmly into her head.

In closing, I'd like to share a recent sound bite from Sarah Palin that illustrates just how terrible this choice was. Ignore the stupid Obama endcaps that someone tacked onto the clip, but pay very close attention to Sarah's own words. And enjoy implosion of the Republican Party.


So, now the entire Republican Party is of the opinion that teenage pregnancy is perfectly acceptable. It's a private matter to be handled by the family. Interesting. Apparently the evangelical right-wing blowhard party now condones underage sex as well as homosexuality and whore-mongering. Who'da thunk?

I'd like to ask a favor of all my Liberal buddies in the Big News Media regarding Bristol Palin and her brand new bundle of stem cells. Shut the fuck up already! The world is quite aware that she's pregnant. The world is quite aware that her mommy, presumptive Veep Sarah Palin, is opposed to sex education. You can draw your own conclusions. Rumours abound that Sarah's son, Track, was born out of wedlock as well. Perhaps it runs in the family. Who cares.

There are thousands of people out there saying, "If she can't control her kids, how can she control the country!" Please join the BNM and STFU as well. Sarah Palin is not Dick Cheney. If McCain manages to win the election, (he won't,) the vice-presidency will once again be a quiet little job consisting of funereal visits and mall openings.

Think about this: The Palins live in Alaska. Other than writing your name in the snow with urine, there's not a lot to do up there so I'm guessing sex is a popular pastime. And before you start whining about the whole underage thing, you better whoa-up and check your facts. The Age Of Consent in Alaska is sixteen, so even if that errant sperm found it's way to Bristol's womb before her seventeenth birthday, there's nothing illegal about it.

And the baby-daddy be takin' care of his bitness. The shotguns are cocked and the wedding is on. I'm sure all the finer Alaskan bridal stores are busy altering their dresses to maternity patterns in the hopes that they'll land the lucrative Palin wedding contract.

What I find interesting that the Republican Party is responsible for keeping Babygate alive. Most democrats are more concerned with silly issues like health care, the illegal war in Iraq, the nosediving economy and global warming. Babygate is a freaking blessing to republicans. "Hey! A distraction to how we've fucked up the country! Let's run with it!" Give me a break.

As I was drifting into the Land of Nod last night, there was an interview with some republican idiot, I don't recall the name, who was asked about Sarah Palin's lack of experience in matters of foreign policy. This clueless bint actually claimed that since Sarah Palin was the governor of the closest American land to Russia, she had plenty of foreign policy experience. Huh? My next door neighbor is a chef. Does that automatically qualify me to run a restaurant?

And these are the people you want running this country? Good luck with that.

For those of you still looking for a presidential candidate, I'll be here when you need me. including myself, I now have a grand total of five write-in votes spanning Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and Pennsylvania. Just a few hundred thousand to go! And remember, my vice-president will be chosen from my supporters and I will move the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms and the DEA under his or her direct control. The job is VICE president, after all.

See you in Washington!

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Return Of The Scapegoat

I saw four different Michael Brown interviews yesterday. You remember Mike, the FEMA director who was cast as the villain immediately after Katrina. The scapegoat who was handpicked by the Bush Administration to run FEMA and also handpicked by the same administration to take the fall. That's right, that Michael Brown. There were more Michael Brown interviews yesterday than there are Lucy re-runs on TV Land in a night.

I saw him on CNN, Keith Olberman and FOX "News" and he was also interviewed by Hoda Kotb. Each interview contained the same question. Regarding FEMA performance during Gustav as compared to during Katrina, Brown was asked "What is the difference between then and now?" The twat gave different answers every time.

Answer One: Brown claimed the Department of Homeland Security is now properly running and funding FEMA and the agency is no longer hampered by political red tape.

Answer Two: Brown blamed state and local authorities for the mismanagement of their own affairs, essentially messing up his plans.

Answer Three: Brown claimed that this time, people followed orders and evacuated like they were supposed to.

Answer Four: Brown stated that FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within reasonable reach of those who would need them.

Of course he left out the most obvious answer, which is that Mike Brown is no longer in charge of FEMA!

I admit that Brownie was made out as the scapegoat for FEMA's colossal failure in the weeks and months following Hurricane Katrina. My main problem there is that he wasn't the only reason everything went wrong. He had a lot of help fucking up the relief efforts in 2005 but he was the only person to suffer a severe penalty for his inaction. Let's take a look at his answers again:

On the charge that FEMA is now properly run and funded, he is wrong. Small increases have been made to FEMA's budget but it is still woefully under-funded and until the FEMA directorship is once again made a full cabinet position it will continue to be under-staffed and tied up in the red tape of Homeland Security.

Next we have the blame game where Brownie shifts the responsibility to the local pols. There's no question that Governor Kathleen Blanco was in over her head and we all know how Nagin and Broussard cracked under the pressure, but a lot of that pressure came from knocking on a FEMA door that simply wasn't being answered. Mississippi and Alabama had problems with FEMA too, but Brownie didn't call them out as being incompetent. Of course, they were never as vocal as our Louisiana leaders.

The next answer is just plain wrong. Brownie blames the victims for not evacuating. Was he even awake then? Hundreds of thousands of people fled Gulf Coast. It's true that many people stayed, but that was due to the fact that the City of New Orleans promised to take care of them, as did other cities. Big mistake there. This is as offensive to me as when a lawyer blames a rape victim for her assault. For this answer alone, Michael Brown should be sent to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for the rest of his life.

Lastly, Brownie claims FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within easy reach. I got news for you, Brownie… supplies were within reach during Katrina too. You just failed to move them the few miles they needed to go.

Now, there are a few more reasons why Gustav relief is working better than Katrina relief. First, as previously stated, Michael Brown is not a factor. That's a big one, but there's another more obvious reason, and that's the fact that Gustav was simply nowhere near as big a storm as Katrina. Less wind, less rain, less power, less surge, different track, etc, etc… the list goes on.

But there's still another reason why FEMA works better these days and it's a very interesting one. It's because Michael Brown taught the Gulf Coast and the rest of the country that we cannot rely on our government in a crisis. We need to take care of ourselves, much the same way our pioneering forefathers did long ago, before the days of gubmint cheese.

So thank you Brownie. It seems that after all is said and done, you really did do a heckuva job! You may now return to your life of infamy and obscurity, secure in the knowledge that you made difference at least once in your life. And you can stop blaming everyone else for your bad decisions.

Ray-Ray: Wrong Again

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin warned people to get out of Gustav's way as it was the "Mother Of All Storms." That may be the Mother Of All Hyperbole considering soon after those words left Ray-Ray's lips, Gustav began weakening. That's all I have to say about Ray-Ray.

OK, not really. And this is going to hurt. A lot.

Ray-Ray, you done good.

You got almost the entire city off their asses and out of harm's way. Granted, I think a lot of motivation came from not wanting to end up like the victims at the Superdome and Morial Convention Center, but still… And you actually got the buses moving out of state with asses in seats! Well done sir! You still don't deserve that fake award given to you by your photography connection, (what a snow job,) but you really accomplished something New Orleans can be proud of this time around. Congratulations.

Now get back to work and fix the Ninth Ward. And Uptown could use repaving while you're at it.

Braithwaite Secure?

MSNBC's Keith Olberman reports that the situation in Braithewaite is stabilizing. The water, after cresting at nine feet, is now down to a manageable five foot height. According to Lee Cowan, a reporter on the scene, floodgates were opened in the opposite direction so that the water flowed into the marshes instead of into the town. Confused? So am I. "Hey! Waters coming in… open the door backwards so it flows out!" My guess is they're speaking of pumps and not gates, at least not the gates they were seen snadbagging.

Sick To My Stomach

Just clicked past Nancy Grace and threw up a little in my mouth. As usual, the clueless twat was blathering about old news instead of current events. I'm still frrling the ill effects, but I should recover soon.

More Levee Woes

Plaquemines officials will not allow camera crews into the parish but FOX has video of St Bernard officials sandbagging the railroad gate at Dean Drive and St Bernard Parkway. Rising water is washing out the dirt beneath the gate and threatening to flood the Caernarvon area near St Bernard State Park. This is a federally funded levee and the ACE is on-site. I have not been able to pinpoint the location of the Plaquemines sandbagging operations, but one was in close proximity of the FOX cameras and looked to be along the canal running parallel to E Park Blvd. DO NOT QUOTE ME, I MAY BE WRONG. If someone can confirm this it would be apreciated.

FOX "News" just cut to commercial after Sheppard Smith reported that Gustav may have taken more lives in Baton Rouge. Way to milk a fucking ad dollar you cheap whores. When the commercials were over, FOX reported that at least seven more people have died due to high winds, specifically one person in Lafayetee and an elderly couple who evacuated to Baton Rouge. All three died in similar circumstances when high winds blew trees into the homes they were staying in.

Hang On St Christopher

Severe over-topping is threatening the levees in Plaquemines parish at the Clearwater Canal near Braithwaite and also near Scarsdale. Parish President Billy Nungesser is trying to evacuate anyone who may have stayed in Braithwaite by implementing a door to door search.

Naturally, the Big News Media is beginning to lose control as the day wears on. MSNBC is covering the Plaquemines situation even though their entire crew is having difficulty pronouncing simple words like Plaquemines and Jindal. Add to this the fact that MSNBC has no cameras in Braithwaite and is illustrating the story with shots of the Industrial Canal at the height of the storm surge.

CNN had Nungesser on the phone live when they cut him off in to show Laura Bush's heartfelt call for prayer at the Republican National Convention. Upon returning to the line, Wolf Blitzer seemed confused five minutes later when Nungesser was no longer on the line. So Wolf called back. And Nungesser answered. And Nungesser was put on hold again in order to feature Vampirella McCain in her Hillary-orange pantsuit with Transylvanian collar as she spoke at the RNC.

FOX "News" and CNN have crews on the scene as parish workers and volunteers try to stem the rising tide with sandbags, but the water seems to be coming in faster than the bags are going down. What they need are the big army choppers and sandbags used to fill the breaches during Katrina.

David Vitter has surfaced in Baton Rouge, explaining that he was unable to leave the building due to high winds and didn't know the actual situation, but that he had heard there were some trees down in the State Capitol. He then went on to congratulate everyone for a job well done. Exactly what job was done well and who did it is still unclear, as is how Vitter found out about it considering he just explained that he didn't know what was going on.

Not surprisingly, the most on-the-ball broadcaster I've heard from yet is NBC's Brian Williams. After a brief recap of how the city fared in the last twenty-four hours, Williams asked the question, "Does this mean that New Orleans is ready for the 'Big One?'" He answered it, too, saying "No, It means that New Orleans was ready for this storm." And he's damn right about that.

First Ape On The Move

Curious George Bush has taken wing and landed in San Antonio in order to smile and pose for the Big News Media cameras. He glad-handed his way through a team of National Guardsmen, chatting and grinning before returning to Air Force One which is now en route to the White House.

Bush canceled plans to attend the Republican National Convention in order to monitor Hurricane Gustav more closely. I must say he certainly appears to be working hard pumping all those hands. As for his decision to blow off the RNC, I think it's a huge fumble. With the hundreds of reporters in attendance, Bush is missing the perfect vehicle to prove his leadership and speak to the nation about what's going right during this crisis.

His handlers seem to think it would be inappropriate for him to appear at the convention, but honestly, what better venue could he ask for to reassure the country, specifically the Gulf Coast, that the danger is not yet past, but that things are going much better this time around. One more example of just how clueless his administration really is.

On the local side, one CNN reporter found a section of the Upper Ninth floodwall that had crumbled near the base and was allowing water to gush into the area. According to an un-named Army Corpsman, the floodwall is designed to crack and crumble at the bottom in order to ease pressure on the top of the wall.

What The Fuck?

I've been in New Orleans for thirty years and this is the first I've heard of this! Intentionally building weak spots at the bottom? Are you serious? Can someone confirm this, or is this the ACE attempting to snow the media into thinking that all is well?

At any rate, Gustav is now a Cat 1 storm and its eye is bearing down on Baton Rouge. I send prayers and the help of Queen Marie up north and hope you weather the storm with as little damage as possible. There are still a few feeder bands on the way to the Crescent City, but it looks as if these will pass by the end of the night. One bright spot is that they are separated by large bands of clear weather which should allow any accumulated flood waters to drain somewhat in the time between bands.

Gustav Update

The Mississippi Gulf Coast is once again receiving the brunt of a hurricane as Gustav continues to send high winds and storm surge across Highway 90. Latest videos showed Hwy 90 West under about a foot of water with waves cresting at a height of about three feet. A ten foot surge is slowly moving through Waveland but flooding inside homes is said to be minimal.

In New Orleans, the Industrial Canal levees are holding and the waters have begun subsiding according to FOX "News." There is high water inside the levees where a number of warehouses have flooded, but so far the residential areas of the Upper Ninth remain relatively dry. At one point, an Army Corps of Engineers worker jumped off of a tugboat and into the raging waters in order to secure a large propane tank, (and I mean large; SUV sized large,) which was being slammed into a nearby building. The man was able to return to the tugboat. Check FOX for the video, It's pretty freaking amazing, (except for Geraldo's continued "Is that a perthon? That'th a perthon!") and I expect this guy to be a media darling in the next few days.

On the political front, all the major players are sounding off on Gustav. First Ape George Bush says that the federal government is better prepared than it was during Katrina. Thanks for the info, Georgie. You're doing a heckuva job!

Barack Obama is monitoring the storm while on the campaign trail, cutting speeches short in order to devote more time to the situation in the Gulf of Mexico. Good to know that he's alert, but he's gotta remember that he ain't the Prez yet. Still, it's an incredibly bold statement that he's ready to take charge if the current administration drops the ball again and it adds a sense of leadership to his aura.

John McCain has stated that he knew Bristol Palin was pregnant before he chose her mom, Sarah, as his running mate. McCain representatives also refuted rumours that the pregnancy was announced at the height of Gustav in order to sneak it under the collective conscience of the country. Really? If that's true, why not announce it a day or two earlier or later?

In light of these last two items, I feel comfortable in calling the 2008 Presidential Election for Barack Obama. While John McCain is busy fighting a poorly timed press release regarding the loose morals of his running mates daughter, Obama is showing leadership in a time of real crisis. The only candidate that could possibly beat Obama would be yours truly, and I'm depending on your write-in votes to win. After all, I'm here updating the country, not just "monitoring the situation."

Locally, New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin publicly stated that all looters would go directly to Angola Prison with no temporary stay in the Orleans Parish Prison system. I wonder if that includes city employees who use their City of New Orleans credit cards for food, gas and lodging during their evacuation...

The First Ape Speaks.

Well, sort of. George Bush strung a few random sentences together just half an hour after arriving at the Austin Emergency HQ. He says that things are going better than they did during Katrina. (I think he actually thought of that himself!) No kidding. He also suggests that people who want to help call the websites for the American Red Cross and Salvation Army after the storm to donate money and time. Does anyone have the websites phone number?

FOX "News" announced that Laura Bush will introduce a film spotlighting the governors of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas during tonights RNC programme. Now that's what I call synergy! Each of those governors is a republican and each is in charge of a Gulf Coast state threatened by Hurricane Gustav. If you had a weather machine you couldn't have scripted it better!

Back to the Industrial Canal: The latest reports involve vessels from Southern Scrap in the Lower Ninth Ward. One barge is allegedly moored by just one line and two other boats are floating free in the canal. Authorities say they have contacted Southern in order to help in securing the vessels before they damage the weaker Upper Ninth floodwall. Even though this sounds scary, FOX cameras have not shown these vessels in the last two hours. The Florida Avenue bridge is down and it is my belief that if these vessels are indeed floating around, it is on the lake side of Florida Avenue.

FOX, News and Priorities

Much thanks to FOX "News" for interrupting coverage of Hurricane Gustav in order to inform us that presumptive Republican Veep Hottie Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother. The pro-life, family-values candidate says that her seventeen year-old, single daughter, Bristol, who is five months pregnant, is planning to marry the baby-daddy, also a teenager. There is no report on whether Bristol is aware of the wedding plans. Talk about serendipitous timing. I wonder if Sarah will change her tune about teaching sex education in school…

FOX also reports that George Bush and Dick Cheney have canceled their Republican convention speeches for tonight. Laura Bush and Cindy McCain plan to take the stage in their place to beg for prayers and money, thus turning Gustav into a big Republican love-fest.

Currently, I'm watching the FOX "News" broadcast from the Judge Seeber Bridge as water sloshes over the Industrial Canal levees. The levees look strong with no visible stress in evidence. but the water level has risen from 10-feet to 11-feet which is the limit along most of the floodwalls in the area.

George Bush has just arrived in the Austin, TX Emergency HQ, smiling and slapping backs. FOX has just now cut the feed from Austin. Apparently five minutes of the First Ape posing for photo-ops with his texas buddies is enough.

Earlier, CNN interviewed FEMA scapegoat Mike Brown and asked him what was different now compared to three years ago. Brownie skirted the issue, but I can tell you the answer… There's a new sheriff in town and his name ain't Mike Brown!

The Pailn Brood

Yes, she has that certain Tina Fey brainy/hottie thing going on, but who the fuck named her kids? Willow and Piper I can tolerate. Sometimes the only baby name book you can find is the one those hippies left behind the couch. Bristol sounds like the Palins are trying to jump on the urban bandwagon but were too scared to go with London, Paris, Houston, or Madagascar. And finally we come to the boys, Trig and Track. Are you fucking kidding me? Were those her favorite subjects in high school? Compared to these two, the other kids got off easy! I'm all for individualism, but you gotta draw a line somewhere.