Thursday, October 30, 2008

Kirby Gee

Kirby Gee passed away yesterday from apparent heart failure, which is a fucking joke since Kirby had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known. I cannot tell you how miserable I am, as are all those who knew him. We didn't hang out like we used to, but it was always a comfort to know that he was just across town.

If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Kirby's the guy in the center of the last panel. For more info on this shot, read the comments.

For more Kirby memories, visit HumidCity and Ms Mae's.

UPDATE: There will be a second line at 1:30pm Sunday, Nov. 9th from Kirby's house at 520 Lyons to The Club Miss Mae's where a memorial service will be held. All are welcome to attend.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Sterile Mind Of John LaBruzzo

Louisiana State Representative John LaBruzzo is back and he's still fighting for welfare correction! You may remember his plan to sterilize "low income" women to "end generational welfare abuse." If not, here's a refresher course: Johnny would have the State pay $1000 to women on welfare if they volunteer to have their tubes tied. He also plans to give tax breaks to the right kind of people, (wealthy, educated people,) if they promise to breed more. What's different now is that LaBruzzo claims to have "overwhelming support" for his plan and he's currently shaping it into legislation for the 2009 session. According to Johnny, he's received "hundreds of e-mails" in support for his plan.

Hundreds! Wow. What does that mean? 200? 500? 666? Let's be nice and say 500, but of course not all of those are going to be from residents of District 81. There are bound to be well-wishers and supporters from nearby areas and across the state, so let's put the number at a generous (I think) 300.

District 81 is an oddly shaped district, (aren't they all?) encompassing Fat City, Old Metairie and Bucktown. According to the most recently updated figures on the LA House website (from the 2000 Census) there are 44,560 residents in the district, 40,465 of which are white. There are 1431 blacks, 1450 Asians, 2822 Hispanics and 1214 others. Wait, Add those up and you get 51,477. So much for the reliability of the Census, eh? Whatever the real numbers are, it's clear that this is a heavily gerrymandered district with respect to race.

Now let's look at the registered voters. The state numbers actually add up correctly to 30,306 registered voters; 27,872 whites, 641 Blacks and 1793 others. There are 10,801 Democrats, 13,746 Republicans and 5759 others. (Congratulations to the state and a gold star for math!)

Now let's put this information to use. 30,306 registered voters versus 300 e-mails. Why that's an amazing 0.98990299 percent! Wow! It's a virtual freaking landslide! Almost a whole percentage point! How impressive! Of course, virtually all of Johnny's co-workers in Baton Rouge think the plan is abhorrent, as does the local Catholic community, but that's just a testament to Johnny's can-do spirit and his will to make the world a little whiter! Sorry, that's a typo, that should read "a little brighter." I wouldn't want anyone to think the Honorable Mr LaBruzzo was a racist.

For those of you who are interested, you can let John LaBruzzo know your thoughts on this matter:

3331 Severn Ave., Ste. 204
Metairie, LA 70002

Martha Post

(504)212-7644 (Fax)


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Rudy Is Dead, Long Live Dolemite!

Rudy Ray Moore died Sunday evening from complications due to diabetes. Moore was best known for his profane comedy and his character 'Dolemite,' but never managed to break into the mainstream as did Redd Foxx. In later years Moore collaborated with Big Daddy Kane, Snoop Dogg and 2 Live Crew. Hurricane Annie could not be reached for comment. Rest in peace, Rudy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Cheney Fibrillating!

This just in: US VP Ricardo 'Dick' Cheney has canceled all plans today due to an atrial fibrillation in his heart. This is not, we repeat NOT, a heart attack. It is the technical term for an erratic heartbeat. Sources are divided on the cause. Cheney spokesmen infer that it is Invisible Dick's small attempt at showing solidarity with the erratic campaign strategy of John McCain. Democrats however have released a statement that the fibrillation began when Cheney was informed that Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in fact an African-American and not a Muslim terrorist. The prayers of the Nation of Morons are with the Cheney family today, just as they were way back when he shot that guy in the face.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tony Clifton Lives!

Andy Kaufman is still dead.

Read my interview with International Singing Sensation Tony Clifton at Humid City!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Moose And Jughead To Be Friends

Mister Weatherbee announced today that Moose has been removed from Jugheads' Bully List. Moose has promised not to beat up on the Archies anymore just like he has hundreds of times before, but with Moose's hair trigger and petulant attitude, it's sure to be simply a matter of time before tempers flare once more leading to an hilarious denouement. The deal was brokered by the Riverdale Student Council. Miss Grundy could not be reached for comment.

Jughead apparently wishes to graduate from Riverdale High with one positive notch in his belt and is currently grasping for anything that might make him look good. It certainly won't be easy considering his track record: the New Shoes Incident, the Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme, the Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident and the subsequently mishandled Operation Sparkle, not to mention the rivalry and feud with Central High.


We apologize for the confusion, but our newsroom fax line was apparently crossed with the sunday funnies WATS line. For the above story, please replace "Mister Weatherbee" with "The Bush Administration," "Moose" with "Korea," "Jughead's Bully List" with "George Bush's Terror List," and "beat up on the Archies" with "sponsor terrorists".

Also, please replace "Riverdale Student Council" with "State Department," and "Miss Grundy" with "Condoleeza Rice." Further, please replace "graduate from Riverdale High" with "leave the Oval Office," "New Shoes Incident" with "telling people to go shopping after the 9/11 Attack" "Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme" with "Wall Street Bailout," "Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident" with "Hurricane Katrina," "Operation Sparkle" with "Katrina Recovery Plan," and "rivalry and feud with Central High" with "invasion and subjugation of Iraq."

We at the Nation of Morons apologize for any inconvenience.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Palin Guilty, McCain Booed For Honesty

Just one day after the McCain Campaign absolved and exonerated Sarah Palin from any wrongdoing in the recent Troopergate scandal, (a clear effort to confuse the public by usurping the moment,) the actual Alaskan legislative committee charged with the task of discovering the truth has found that Sarah Palin did, in fact, "unlawfully abuse her authority" (as Governor of Alaska) "in firing the state public safety commissioner."

Palin was found to have overstepped her authority in firing Alaska PSC Walt Monegan for "insubordination." Palin, her husband and her staff made repeated harassing calls to Monegan in an effort to dismiss an Alaska State Trooper, Mike Wooten, that was formerly married to Palins' sister and was in the middle of a vicious 2-year custody battle.

Palin initially welcomed the investigation, stating that she had nothing to hide and would co-operate fully with the 14 member bi-partisan committee. Then the Republican Party bestowed the second-banana-to-be crown on her head and she quickly changed her tune, refusing to answer any questions on the matter and refusing to testify in official proceedings. Palin is now spinning the facts and crying foul because the committee never got to hear her side of the story. I guess not, sweetie. For those of you who think that this is a democratic witch-hunt fueled by the liberal media, the committee consists of four democrats and ten republicans. Oops.

The report states that there were other reasons behind the firing and the family feud was just one piece of a very small puzzle, but that Palin clearly abused the powers of her office. This means that the way is clear for lawsuits and recall petitions. I can't wait to hear the lies that spew forth from her "golly-gee-whiz-Joe-Sixpack" piehole as she tries to squirm her way out of this mess.

And let's not forget John McCain. According to the man himself, he was fully aware of Troopergate when he chose Palin as his nominee but dismissed it on her word that there was no fire beneath the smoke. Really now, are we supposed to believe that? I believe the Republican Party chose Palin and that McCain was forced to go along with that choice as part of the bargain he made to get the nomination. But if McCain did choose her, what does that say about his judgment of character and how can we ever trust it in the White House?

I will credit McCain with one bright shining example of the honest man he used to be. It came in a town hall rally today as a dishevelled and clearly... well, let's just call her confused, woman told McCain that she couldn't trust Obama because he was an Arab. John McCain took the microphone away from her and did his best to hide what looked to be utter disgust as he corrected her by saying, no ma'am, that's wrong. He explained that Obama was a good, honest family man, a citizen of this country, who just happens to have different ideas on how this country should be run. This was met by a stifled, half-hearted, half-round of applause from the audience, but later, when McCain said that Obama could be trusted as President, would make a fine President, the audience booed him unmercifully. He probably killed his campaign right there, but you could see in his eyes that he was truly sickened and saddened by what his campaign has so far accomplished with it's lies regarding Barack Obama.

It was stunning to watch and for one brief moment, I glimpsed the honesty of John McCain that so impressed me over a decade ago. It's a damn shame that man was corrupted by the politics of fear and the slanderous agenda of his own party. I miss him. But then, what the hell do I know?

And A Side Order Of Regions…

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has just announced Federal plans to acquire preferred stock in many of the nations still solvent financial institutions. This stock will consist of non-voting shares except in instances where the vote would directly affect the US Government as shareholders. Sources say that up to 300 billion dollars could be used from the 700 billion dollar bailout bill recently slammed through the Senate.

Coupled with the ownership options with insurance companies and mortgage lenders, the Federal Government now holds many Americans in near complete thrall, lock stock and empty barrel. Let's say you bought a home through Fannie Mae, insured it with AIG and do your banking with Regions. The Feds technically own about eighty percent of all that. Does this scare anyone but me?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

One Financial Bailout, And A Side Order Of Pork

Want to know why the US Senate quickly agreed to pass the new version of the Financial Bailout with a 74-25 pass vote? Because they added over $150 BILLION worth of pork to it. Explain to me how this makes sense. I'll wait.

(Whistles Steve Miller's Take The Money And Run.)

I'm still waiting.

(Whistles Pink Floyd's Money)

Yeah, I thought you might have difficulty. So who gets the pork? The new earmarks are for makers of wooden arrows for children, (explain that one to me...) film and television production companies, and litigants in the Exxon Valdez case. Extended earmarks go to rum producers in the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico, the poor countries of Puerto Rico and American Samoa, mining rescue teams and safety equipment, (OK, that one I could let slide,) various Indian tribes, auto racing tracks, the District of Columbia and wool research. You want wool research data? It's hot, itchy, weighs a ton when it gets wet and you douchebags on Capitol Hill pull it down over the public eye way too often. You can slice off some of the hundreds of millions of dollars for wool research and send it my way for that information.

Honestly, I don't have time to research or delve into the details here, but do some digging and you'll see that this is not really a financial bailout, but another attempt at subverting the American political system to benefit a few senators pet lobbyists who happened to be coincidentally hanging around the Senate Chambers just before the bill went to vote.

Have a nice day!