Friday, December 28, 2007

Winning The War On Common Sense

Congratulations to George Bush and Condoleeza Rice for playing an instrumental part in the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Nice work kids, but you've still failed to start the Third World War you're desperately seeking. Granted, this isn't going to help the peace process much, but it will take a little more than the killing of a washed-up corrupt politician whom no-one really liked to begin with to bring your master plan of World Destruction to glorious fruition. Anyone know why Bhutto was denied a security detail from the Bush administrations pet bulldogs, Blackwater Security? She asked for one. She offered to pay them well. She was turned down. Funny how you don't hear much about Iraq these days. Even though we're winning the War on Terror and the Situation in Iraq is getting better, this has been the worst year yet with over 900 American deaths. Not that I have proof of any government shenanigans, but it certainly looks interesting, doesn't it? Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 27, 2007


The NOPD announced yesterday that suspected armed robber Elton Phillips was "released by accident." According to the NOPD, Phillips' paperwork sent over from the DA's office did not indicate any reason for him to be held in custody and he was released. Congratulations to the intelligent worker-bees of the NOPD! I guess no one watched the news or read a paper in the past six months. Otherwise, they may have recalled that Phillips was New Orleans #1 Most Wanted Fugitive. Luckily, Phillips was apprehended by alert Hammond Police on his way to "turn himself in."

Phillips was originally sought as a suspect in the robbery, shooting and eventual death of NOPD Officer Thelonius Dukes. Police have since cleared him of this charge, but he still faces charges of armed robbery from October 2007 when he allegedly held up a man at a Westbank gas station. The irate man got into his vehicle and chased Phillips and an accomplice right to the home of DA Eddie Jordan where he allegedly spun a tale of car trouble and he just needed to wait there until his Grammaw could come and get him. Jordan's girlfriend Cheri Robinson had spent the day with Phillips in Baton Rouge and hitched a ride back to New Orleans with him.

Upon hearing of the car accident, DA Jordan did not bother calling the police or ambulance and "went back to bed" leaving Phillips alone with Robinson. Locally, this is thought to be one of the straws which broke the DA's back, forcing him into early retirement. It was speculated that Jordan would soon get a nice, high paying job from one of his cronies, but he insisted that he simply wanted to spend time with his family for the next few months. Of course, just a week later it was revealed that Jordan signed on as a consultant with the New Orleans Police & Justice Foundation, a local non-proft organization, as part of his payoff for resigning. Now considering that the NOPD has nothing but disdain for Jordan and his incompetence as a DA, why one of their support organizations wants Jordan working for them is beyond me.

However, now that Judge Elloie is gone, it's more difficult than ever to get out of jail free and perhaps this is one of Eddie's Christmas presents to his girlfriends thug pal. Isn't it interesting that an organization which used to be run by Jordan submitted paperwork recusing itself from prosecution of Jordans' girlfriends thug-buddy? I'm not saying this happened, but it certainly bears further investigation, don't you think?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Reprobate In 2008!

Recently, an anonymous poster to this blog said they'd vote for me for President of the United States. Therefore, in the interests of giving the People what they want, I am pleased to announce my intention to run for President! Drop the bunting, toss the confetti and strike up the band!

So I've got one down and 324,999,999 to go!

But then we need to subtract the kids, they can't vote, so that makes about 205 million to go. And then there are the independent and non-party voters who should be an easy swing, so that leaves only 130 million. And as we all know, the ladies love me, so that leaves about 65 million voters I need to convince. But I'm a cat person, so I should be able to swing at least half of the cat owners in the U.S., so that drops it to about 30 million.

Ahh, but then there are felons, illegal aliens and foreign nationals who can't vote, so that leaves around 15 million. But the election isn't until next November, so if I subtract the infirm and the one person who dies every twelve seconds in this country there's only 10 million to go. And I should be able to nearly sweep my home state of Louisiana and my birth state of Pennsylvania. Let's say 75% there so that leaves 400,000 to go. And let's not forget the 385,000 or so Polish-Americans of voting age. That should bring it down to 15,000. And on my Flickr site, I have over 14,000 views, so I'm sure I can count on those folks for support, leaving just 1000 voters to swing.

But wait! Voter turnout hovers somewhere at a miserable 60% which means that all I need is around 70,000,000 votes to win the popular and electoral votes, but as we can see, I'm well over that. In fact, it's a freaking landslide. 224,999,000 to 1000! On behlf of the many people who helped make this victory possible, I thank you. You are all invited to the Inaugural Party. BYOB, of course!

Remember... "Vote early and often!"
-Al Capone

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dominic William

Yay! My first real e-con! Never got one of these before and I thought I'd share it with all five of my readers.

Now cons have been pulled since the dawn of time and there have been some beautifully crafted ones over the years. It's an art form. The big ones are pretty easy to spot, but the truly beautiful ones are the short-cons, involving very little cash. They work almost flawlessly and can keep a man eating from day to day. Here in New Orleans, one of my favorites is the "I can tell you where you got yo' shoes" con. A classic which, the first time it was pulled on me, I paid off simply because it was so brilliant. (If you don't know the answer, send me ten dollars and I'll tell you!)

This 'Dominic William' person however, is using an actual disaster, Alaska Flight 261, to prey on the unsuspecting morons of the world for his own personal gain. Shame on you sir! In the first place, this scam has already been documented on Wiki:

and other places. Secondly, I'm not stupid. Perhaps if you did a little research on your marks beforehand you could save some time. Third, I blog. And welcome to it. Not only have I posted your poorly written scam here, I have also posted it in my Flickr account where hundreds of people will see it every day. Time to get a job shithead. Your out of business.

For those of you who enjoy the art of the con, find a copy of "House of Games," David Mamet's directorial debut. This 1987 film stars Lindsay Crouse and Joe Mantegna and takes the viewer on a trip through the underside of human nature through a series of short-cons and one big score. The dialogue is stilted and theatre-like, but that's a by-product of Mamet's time in the stage world. Overall it's a really good flick.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Few Hundred More

Tonight we welcome a few hundred new members to the Nation Of Morons. Namely, those caring citizens of New Orleans who are fighting the good fight to help keep poor black people stuck in the Projects for another generation.

Emotions came to a head at todays city council meeting when angry citizens lost control and began a brawl which cleared the dais and sent council members scurrying off to safe rooms. The council had just begun a meeting to determine if the City of New Orleans and HANO, the Housing Authority of New Orleans, had the right to demolish the many rat infested, mold covered housing projects around the city. Soon after the disturbance was abated, the council got down to brass tacks and unanimously ruled that the projects must go in order for New Orleans to move forward, but also added provisos that the units must be replaced and no one would be denied their rights to fair housing.

Meanwhile, outside the building, throngs of angry protesters got even angrier when they were denied access to the already over-attended meeting. Instead of the usual chanting and folksinging, a few bright individuals began to storm the gates, breaking them open and starting a riot in an attempt to gain access to the council chambers. NOPD officers responded with tazers and pepper spray until they could regain control of the gates and reseal them with the use of handcuffs. And it was all broadcast live on WDSU channel 6, the local NBC affiliate.

Shortly after order was restored, WDSU began interviewing protesters. My favorite among these is a spindly bald white guy whining about how he was denied access to "our" meeting, (as if he ever spent a day in a housing project in his life,) and complaining that the mean old policeman tazered him and pepper sprayed him. No kidding. What did he expect would happen? The NOPD would give him a front row seat because his vandalism proved how much the meeting meant to him? Get real.

And then there was the post-meeting press conference. Good old C Ray Nagin was asked why he sent a letter of support to be read instead of showing up in person. His response was that "this was the councils' day." In other words, he sent an errand boy to say, "I'll back your vote, but if this blows up in your face I ain't got nothin' to do with it." He sure did bask in the camera glow afterwards though.

The problem I have with these protesters, many of whom I think have their hearts in the right place, is that they're fighting a wrong-headed battle. If it weren't for Katrina, most of the projects would be gone by now and the residents would be living in their new dwellings in the same locations. The demolition plans were finalized years ago and the housing replacement plan was already ongoing. This is not something the city just decided to do. Not only that, but people have to realize that public housing is not the be-all and end-all utopia that some seem to think it is. Before Katrina, all we heard was how terrible the projects are, and can't something be done about the crime in the projects. Now the projects are presented as an idyllic community where the air is fresh and the neighbors are always friendly. Get your story straight, folks!

Public housing was created to give the poor of this country a chance to climb out of the slums and make a better life for themselves and their families. At best, people were expected to stay 2-3 years while they saved up for a home of their own. Unfortunately, many folks in public housing units decided that the cheap rents were worth the occasional bullet through the wall and dug in like doughboys in the Ardennes Forest. There are people in New Orleans who are actually proud to be third- and fourth-generation St Bernard or St Pete. I'm sorry, but that's nothing to be proud of. It's sad and it shows how truly messed up the welfare and housing branches of our government really are.

As for those who are screaming that they have rights and the city can't take away their homes; think again. They are not your homes, no matter how long you've overstayed your welcome. They are owned by the city and you are effectively renting and the rest of the country is footing the bill. If my lease is up and my landlord decides not to renew it so he can tear down my apartment and build a strip mall, there's really nothing I can do about it. My landlord is required by law to give me adequate time to find a new place to live and that's about it. The people of the projects have had over two years. It's time to fight for something other than the right to live in squalor.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Are You ExJasperated Yet?

Presenting Ms Sharon Jasper: Welfare Poster Queen

By now this welfare whiner has been exposed for the useless piece of shit she is, but just in case you missed it, Ms Jasper has become an icon for the poor and downtrodden project victims you see on the evening news here in New Orleans. All she wants to do is return to her St Bernard Project crib where life was simple, but the Powers That Be are trying to destroy her lovely home. Since Katrina, she has been forced to live in the slum pictured above. Look at those terrible polished wood floors. And that teeny tiny TV she is forced to watch! It's a damn shame I tell you!

Further adding to her misery are the missing screens on her windows, the faucet with a slow leak, and a back door that doesn't quite close properly. Go ahead and squirt a few for her, I know you want to. It's amazing that the American people can allow thier tax money to be used so inefficiently to house this poor woman in such squalor. Yes, her rent is paid by a HANO voucher but it's simply not enough. Ms Jasper says she can't afford the security deposit on her "slum home" and her utility bills are just too high. According to her, she just "might do better out there with one of those tents," referring to the homeless tent city set up on Duncan Plaza.

Well I'm here to welcome Ms Jasper into the Nation Of Morons with open arms and a hale and hearty 'Go fuck yourself!' This woman is exactly what's wrong with public housing in America. She is surrounded with better things than most working people have in their homes, but it's still not enough. She wants more. In fact, she wants better. Here's another quote from Ms Sharon Jasper: "It's pitiful what people give you!" Really, that's a pretty pitiful 60-inch TV you have there Sharon. What would you prefer, your own walk-in theater? Howzabout I give you a pitiful kick in the ass sweetheart? Would that get you up off of it long enough to look for a job?

Oh, that's right, according to Ms Jasper, she can't work. I have yet to find out why, but I'll bet it has something to do with watching Judge Judy all day on that TV. Hmmm, did she ever think that the big TV might have something to do with her "high utility bills?" Or does she expect the electricity bill to be part of the gift of the TV?

Here's another gem from Sharon: "If you try to bulldoze our homes, we're going to fight... ...there's going to be a war in New Orleans." Perhaps the FBI should check Ms Jaspers' "slum home" for the equipment responsible for the flyers promising to burn down condos. If it checks out, I'll be awaiting my Crimestoppers check.

Now for those of you who think I'm being too harsh on Ms Sharon Jasper, I'll make her an offer. Move on up to the North Side of Kenner with me dear. You can have your own room in my stylish Chateau Estates home, I get to watch your big screen TV and HANO can put your rent check in my bank account. Of course, The bottom four feet of sheetrock is still missing here, but we'll hang some blankets on the walls for your privacy. Oh, and since the walls aren't done yet, the city won't clear my request for gas service, so you'll have to take cold showers and baths, but at least the faucets don't drip. One other thing, without gas service, there's no heat in the house, but the doors all close properly so if we build a fire in the fireplace it should keep us warm. Except that the carpets and sofas were all ruined in the storm so instead of that terrible hardwood floor or those horrible cushions you rest your ass on, we'll have to sit on the nice cold concrete. Sound good to you? I didn't think so dear, so sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and pray that you aren't investigated for housing fraud you greedy welfare pig.

I usually like to leave my readers with a wry little comment at the end of each article to sort of take the edge off, but I just can't seem to do so here. The only joke apparent is the fact that we taxpayers allow people like Ms Sharon Jasper to get away with this kind of bullshit. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

PDC To Big Easy: Fuck Off!

Once again New Orleans has been told, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off and die. This time by Paul Kirk (D) from the bi-partisan Presidential Debate Commission. Instead, Oxford, Mississippi will host the presidential hopefuls. Mr Kirk informed locals of the reasons our city was deemed unacceptable:

1 New Orleans is not technologically up to date.

Really? It seems to me you need some cameras and an internet connection. Is the commission saying that we don't have this? Or are they saying that we're too stupid to work the equipment? I seem to remember a few weeks after the storm when the President of these United States spouted heartfelt lies to us from Jackson Square. We had little to no power and even less people but that message got through. And we have no trouble beaming Saints games across the globe. Surely there must be another reason.

2 New Orleans does not have the hotel space needed for a major convention.

Really? We have enough rooms to hold the million plus visitors that came to Mardi Gras earlier this year. Ask the three or four major medical convention attendees that have visited us this year. And we seem to have plenty of space for the BCS Championship and NBA All-Star games, both of which are sure to draw ten times the crowd that a Presidential debate will. In fact, New Orleans can boast at least five times the hotel space needed for the debate, unlike Oxford, MS, which has only about half of the required rooms, forcing most people to seek accommodations in outlying areas.

3 New Orleans does not have a venue sufficient to host the debate.

Really? Well, of course the Saenger, the State Palace and the Municipal Auditorium are still somewhat in a state of flux, but we have the Superdome and the newly refurbished Morial Convention Center. But surely, to hold a Presidential Debate in either of those would just remind the Nation of the current administrations miserable failures during Hurricane Katrina. Surely the endless accusations and questions of the locals would be enough to dislodge even the hardiest hairdo of John Edwards no matter how much of his campaign money he spent on it.

Wait! I think that's it! It's clear that even though half of the combined Republican and Democratic candidates have made it clear that New Orleans should host a debate, no-one actually wants to because of the embarrassment factor. Neither party wants to be associated with the stigma of the worst Federal failure since the Hoover administration, nor do they want to be the party whose candidates are unable to explain why they are unable to help us out of the mess we're in. Can you blame them? Another possibility is that none of the candidates want to sit through the required photo opportunities with the ineffective governor, the absentee mayor or any number of the city and state officials with federal indictments hanging over their heads.

This is simply "safe" politics at its finest. Pick a town close enough to ground zero that says "We acknowledge the problem," but far enough away so that your candidates don't walk away with the stink of failure on them. Smooth move Paul. Apparently you did something to piss off your co-workers that they voted you the bearer of this bad news. In that same vein, I elect you to go back to your small minded little committee and inform them that they have all been admitted to a podium of honor here in the Nation Of Morons.

Thanks for nothing.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Writers On Strike!

Today in Hollywood, that shining beacon of intellectualality, the writers went on strike, (pardon me while I stifle a yawn,) the immediate consequences of which will be that talk shows and soap operas will shut down almost immediately. (Pardon me while I slip into a coma.) In a few months, when the current seasons of most Prime Time shows near the finalé point, we may be subjected to... (brace yourselves...) Re-Runs!!!!

Now I'll admit to being hooked on Heroes and Lost, and pretty much the lion's share of NBC's Thursday Night line-up, (Earl, the Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock,) but otherwise, who freaking cares? Most of the stuff I watch comes from PBS by way of London, New York and Boston. Truly 98% of new television is comprised of one sitcom, one drama and one game show being presented in a myriad of wholly uninteresting ways.

"But I thought talk shows were about people talking?" you say? Yeah. Leno comes up with that stuff on the fly because despite the millions of dollars he makes, he's still deeply interested in whose lap Paris Hilton's pet rat crapped in at Cannes. If you think talk shows are all 'spur-of-the-moment' hi-jinx, you need to rent some Larry Sanders Show DVD's. Soap Operas? If you ask me, they have too many writers as it is. So many, in fact, that the networks have allowed these incoherent scribblers to ply their half-assed trade in Prime Time on shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Ugly Betty."

The writers themselves do have a point though. They make just pennies on the dollar for what they do and next to nothing for DVD sales and net-casts. The studios see this as fair. "Hey, you got paid to write the episode, we can do what we want with it now." Not too cool, Selznik! Personally, If I were getting 16K per episode of "Two And A Half Men" and just recycling old "Three's Company" scripts, I'd keep my freaking mouth shut. Unfortunately, I don't make crap for what I write so the hell with the strike, my fingers will continue fumbling their way across the keyboard to bring you the very best in hard-assed, no-nonsense vitriol.

So here we are at the brink of disaster. Whatever shall we do? Well, I'm going to keep watching PBS. Oh, and there's always the alternative of READING A FREAKING BOOK! There's also spending time with freinds and family or indulging in a hobby. I have photography, poker, drinking and sex to occupy my time. But if you need to know what's going to happen in one of your favorite shows... use your imagination for crying out loud! You'll probably do better than the current crop of Hollywood Hacks and if you start blogging your take on your favorite shows, you might just get a lucrative contract as a studio scab!

(Let's see, A secluded beach on 'Lost' island. Kate and Sun are rubbing suntan lotion on each others naked bodies while two pounds of bacon crackles in a pan over a fire. A new character, 'the Styb,' walks out of the jungle, also naked except for his black socks, holding a Papa John's box and a twelve-pack of Coke and says, "Ladies... did someone order a pizza?" Kate and Sun look at each other and invite 'the Styb' to join them... hey, it's existential!)

Friday, November 2, 2007

Et Tu, Una?

Golly! I am shocked! Did you know that people on the Orleans Parish School Board might be putting profit ahead of our children! Una Anderson is the latest victim to have the misfortune of stepping in front of the 'Pampy' Express, a one way bus to Club Fed driven by Stan Barré, and driven hard. Barré faces a 10 year prison term for being involved in more than a few shady dealings during the Marc Morial administration which is one reason not to believe everything he says. On the other hand, Anderson is on the OPSB, so she has that working against her.

Barré claims to have delivered bribes to Anderson's hubby, Dave, from two trash companies, one of which eventually got the Orleans Schools trash hauling contracts. Aparently, three officers of Richards Disposal and Metro Disposal contributed five $1000 checks to Anderson some seven years ago at a dinner party given by Barré at his 7th Ward restaurant. Soon after Anderson's successful election to the school board, Metro was given the school contract worth some $525,000 per year. When questioned by the Feds as to why he was with his wife that evening, Dave Anderson replied shockingly, "it's normal for me to accompany my wife to dinner."

The Feds have been all up in Una's junk before, however it's usually for confirmation of other school board member shenanigans, like Ellenese Brooks-Simms who is also a hit and run victim of the 'Pampy' Express due to her acceptance of bribes in return for purchasing some crappy algebra program for the kiddies. Anderson has been one of the most outspoken board members on the subject of corruption and it's difficult to picture her accepting bribes, but then Oliver Thomas, (another Barré Express casualty,) pretty much fucked up everyone's optimism, didn't he? (In fact, Anderson claims she always suspected Barré of being corrupt. Oh, well I guess it makes perfect sense that you'd accept HIS invitation to dinner at HIS restaurant to meet with HIS buddies for "contributions." Yeah, that doesn't look suspicious.)

On the surface Barrés allegation looks questionable considering that Anderson is now in a run-off for her a State House seat. But add in that no other school board members received money from trash haulers that year. Also add in that Brooks-Simms, (already confessed to accepting bribes,) ran the meeting and motioned for Metro's approval and Anderson seconded the motion. Add in that there were only 8-10 people at that dinner party which neither Anderson admits to remembering too much about even though the other people there were representatives of two of the three or four companies competing for the trash contract. Add in the $5000 Anderson was given that night by those same representatives, (and she still doesn't recall the evening clearly?) and it starts to look a little strange.

True, on the surface, there's nothing wrong with accepting campaign contributions, but when those same contributors start picking up the hefty gubbamint cheese, well, things start to smell funny. They start to smell like garbage. Who do we have to bribe to get some honest politicians in this town?

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Jordan Era Not Over!

Apparently budget paperwork is not the only thing Eddie Jack Jordan is incapable of filling out. Sources say that Jordan's resignation paperwork has yet to show up in Baton Rouge. This means that even though Keva Landrum-Johnson has officially taken over the office, Jordan might still be on the payroll. We all know how well bureaucracies work. If the resignation gets lost in the mail, we may end up paying this heel for the next six months. Everyone please check their mailboxes carefully and If you find his resignation, send it quickly to the State Capitol in Baton Rouge to help end the Jordan era of incompetence.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Jordan Resigns!

At 3:05 pm, CST, Orleans Parish Dumbass Attorney Eddie Jack Jordan announced his upcoming resignation. This brings a bright spark of hope that the DA's office will soon begin prosecuting criminals instead of hiding them out in their homes. To start, Jordan muttered under his breath, "There's quite a few people here, huh?" Well no kidding. You call a press conference to confirm your uselessness as a public servant and you think no one will show up? You're denser than I thought.

Eddie Jordan:
Good afternoon. After careful and prayerful consideration, I have determined that it is in the best interests of the citizens of New Orleans, the prosecutors and staff members of the DA's office, and my family, that I resign my position as DA of Orleans Parish. I hope my departure from the DA's office will facilitate, induce and encourage the resolution and satisfaction of the federal judgment imposed against the DA's office.
I am resigning not because I am a quitter, but because I honestly think that this painful act will help prevent further disruption of the DA's office, the criminal justice system, and our city's fight against crime. I hope my departure from the DA's office will remove the threat of the imminent seizure of the office's assets including the office's payroll accounts. The resolution of that judgment will permit the hardworking employees of the DA's office to maintain their focus on putting violent criminals behind bars, assisting the victims and witnesses of crime, securing restitution for homeowners who have been defrauded, and collecting child support for single parents and their children.

He then introduced Keva Landrum, who has been serving as his first assistant during Gaynell Williams leave of absence to run for former judge Charles Elloie's vacated chair. Elloie, if you remember, was the worst of the revolving door judges in the Orleans Parish court system, repeatedly giving defendants in his court innumerable second chances to repeat their crimes, some say for compensation. Landrum served as first assistant DA under both Jordan and his predecessor Harry Connick, Sr. The decision to elevate her to Interim DA is said to be motivated by the fact that she is not, nor does she plan to be, a candidate for the office in next years election.

Jordan then expressed his desire to spend time with family before returning to the private sector. It's funny how many public servants make this statement, but it does make sense. The people whose trust was broken want nothing to do with them, and those few cronies of theirs who haven't been caught yet are certainly going to keep their distance. That doesn't leave many other people to spend time with, does it? Jordan also stated that he has signed no agreements with private sector firms as yet. Anyone want to lay odds on him hooking up with one of Bill Jefferson's shady operations?

Keva Landrum addressed the throng of the Big News Media and assured them she would assess the financial state of the office. She also alluded to plans to restructure the office to emulate the best DAs' offices in the nation. She assured citizens that she would work more closely with the NOPD to ensure the safety of our city along the lines of agreements made earlier this year, and promised the community an open and accessible style that would allow them to see that the DA's office was run fairly and honestly.

Mayor C Ray Nagin then addressed the crowd, thanking Jordan for making this decision to ease tensions of all concerned parties. He also called citizens to task to move forward and not harp on the mistakes of the past. Really? So he's going to stop bitching at Governor Blanco, President Bush and the United States Congress for the total mess they have made of the Hurricane Katrina recovery? I didn't think so. He also assured the plaintiffs of the lawsuit that he will continue to work for a win-win-win situation for them, the city and the state.

When asked if the plaintiffs were unwilling to work with him in resolving the settlement, Jordan simply stated his belief that it would be in the best interests of everyone for him to stay out of the picture, hence his decision to resign. He also maintains that race was not a factor in his decision to fire anyone. When pressed on any aspect of the case his reply became a standard loop of, "I believe that this decision is in the best interest of the DA's office."

Nagin remains steadfast that the city is not in a position to help pay off the settlement, citing that the DA's office is a state run office which receives only 1/3 of its operating budget directly from the city. Secretary of State Jim Donelon disputes this saying that the City of New Orleans is the primary source of the office's income. Also according to Nagin, the Governor can call for a special election to replace Jordan during next years congressional election to fill the seat vacated by Governor-elect Bobby Jindal.

When questioned about the ineffectiveness of the DA's office, Nagin stated that "The problems... didn't start with Eddie Jordan, it's something that's built up over a number of years." An interesting statement in the fact that Nagin is basically saying that things did not improve and existing problems were compounded in the years since Jordan took office.

Jordans resignation will take effect at the close of the DA's office tomorrow, October 31st.

Eddie And The Cruisers

What the hell kids? I leave town for a week and you guys let the town go straight to hell. There's so much I can rant about from the ridiculously skewed elections to Derrick Sheppard getting caught in 'Dollar' Bill Jefferson's cookie jar, to California rampantly flaunting their disregard for global warming, but I want to take this opportunity to discuss Orleans Parish DA Eddie Jordan and the complete fiasco he has created.

In a nutshell, Jordan fired a whole mess of people from the OPDA's office as his first official act as District Attorney, the majority of whom were white and subsequently sued him. I cant track down the actual numbers, (what I find on the web list different numbers in each report,) but I think there were 43 total employees fired, 5 black and 38 white. Jordan defended this by stating that he hired white employees too, but when the numbers were revealed it was a direct opposite. 38 blacks hired and 5 whites. As I said, I'm not sure of the actual numbers, but I remember the color flip-flop distinctly.

Jordan, to this day, claims he's not a racist and this may be true if in fact he was operating under direct orders of Bill Jefferson as has been rumoured. This may be Jordan's way of telling the truth without telling the whole truth and implicating his buddy Bill as a racist and political manipulator. Regardless, Jordan has run out of appeals and is now faced with a 3.7 million dollar settlement to the po' white folk he unceremoniously dismissed. Well, that is the DA's office is. Jordan himself faces no punishment whatsoever! The onus of this lawsuit falls squarely on the taxpayers of Orleans Parish and the State of Louisiana.

Now the DA's office is in danger of being shut down because there is no money to pay this settlement. All across New Orleans you can hear people saying "So what? It's not like the DA's office is doing it's job anyway." and for the most part this is true. Jordan claims a 70-80% conviction rate. Others say that this number is closer to 30-40%. Without access to court records I can neither confirm nor deny this but one thing is certain: with all the crime in this city, the DA's office has only brought 77 cases to trial between July and September of this year. And according to Jordan's numbers about 25% of those end in non-convictions. Pathetic.

Jordan has recently been looking under the couch cushions of the Orleans Parish City Council and checking the pay phone coin returns of the Louisiana State Senate and House, looking for whatever change he can find for his office to help pay this settlement. Good luck, Jack. (No, really. His full name is Eddie Jack Jordan.) The odds are against a bailout unless he resigns, which he is reluctant to do. Lawyers for the plaintiffs state that the DA's office has the assets to pay the claim citing vehicles owned by the office and the salary for Jordan's driver as assets which could be sold or done away with. By the way, Jordan's driver reportedly makes $70,000 a year. (And they say there are no good government jobs!)

(Whoops, hold the presses... WDSU reports that Jordan is currently addressing his staff and may soon make a public statement. I'll let you know if I hear anything.)

As for the lawsuit itself, there are some really big unanswered questions which the Big News Media seems unable to even ask. First, how much of the 3.7 million is going to the lawyers who handled the case? True, they won and deserve compensation, but wouldn't waiving the fee, or at least the profit over costs, be the civic thing to do? After all, New Orleans is their city too and if the DA's office shuts down where will these guys practice law? (Yes, I know there's a difference between civil and criminal law, but the firms which practice both will indeed lose business.) They still get to go in the record books as victors and the press will anoint them as heroes if they follow this route.

Then we have the white guys. How many of them actually found work after being fired? How many just cruised around town waiting for their inevitable big fat settlement check? Indeed, they all deserve something for their ordeal, but 3.7 million dollars? Give me a fucking break. This whole lawsuit was designed by the lawyers for the purpose of profit, not justice. If the white guys wanted justice they would have sued the DA's office for the right to return to their jobs and the removal of Eddie Jordan and they would have sued Jordan personally for monetary compensation. As it stands, Jordan ain't worth much, (monetarily, or as a human being,) so they decided to go after the DA's office and it's big ol' bank account. You want justice? Give all the fired employees their jobs back, plus pay them for the time they missed working there, regardless of whether they had other jobs in the interim, and add in a bonus payment of about four times their salaries. (An extra year of pay for each year they were out of work.) The court system should be used for justice. Period. Not to play the home version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

As For Eddie Jack himself, why the hell is he still in office? As if this debacle isn't bad enough to get fired, he now faces an even bigger mess relating to an incident from a few weeks ago. 20 year old thug Elton Phillips allegedly robbed a man at gunpoint and fled. The victim jumped into his Hummer and gave chase until he was able to ram Phillips' vehicle off the road. Phillips and his getaway driver fled to separate houses in the area and guess where Elton went? Yup, straight to Eddie Jordans' place. It seems that Phillips is good friends with Jordans' girlfriend, Cherylynn Robinson, and upon arriving called his grammy to come pick him up, staying at the home only a few minutes. Jordan asked what was going on and Phillips said someone deliberately hit his car and ran him off the road. Jordan stated that "He was a kid... He really looked innocuous..." and then scooted off back to bed.

What the fuck? You're the DA of a major city and you don't call the cops for a hit and run victim? Are you really that incredibly obtuse? Regardless of whether you think this kid is a criminal or not, you call the cops to report an accident! Perhaps if Jordan had acted apropriately, NOPD Detective Thelonius Dukes and his wife would not have been shot and robbed by Elton Phillips and his gangsta-nigga buddies the very next morning. Detective Dukes remains in critical condition from gunshots to the leg and lower torso. His wife was shot in the foot. Parts of the home invasion were captured by security cameras at the Dukes home.

I tell ya, you can't swing a prosthetic limb in this post without knocking over a fistful of Morons. And the sad part is we let this happen! We read the stories, we watch the news reports, then we shake our heads and say, "Wow, that's fucked up." and get another moccha latte from Starbucks and check the baseball scores. We need to make a stand as one and demand accountability from the so-called 'leaders' not just in New Orleans but across this country, and until we do, we're all at risk from Morons like Eddie Jack Jordan.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


I'm only halfway through the season premiere of Family Guy: The Star Wars Episode and I already peed my pants a little. Thrice. You can take all the Lost, Heroes, Simpsons and Law & Orders and put them in the trash because this is probably the single greatest episode of a television series ever made. There are no spoiler warnings here, just the advice that you should lie, beg, borrow or steal to get your hands on this episode as soon as you can. I taped it. Don't you wish you did?

UPDATE: This is the single greatest episode of a television series ever made.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Bad Advice

From Otis the Drunk on The Andy Griffith Show regarding women: "You can talk all you want, but if you want results... hit her in the mouth with a leg of lamb."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Jena 6: Sending The Wrong Message

OK, let's forget the fact that Mychal Bell has four previous adjudications, the equivalent of an adult conviction. (2 criminal damage to property and 2 battery charges.) Let's forget that each time he was slapped on the wrist for these and allowed to continue playing football for Jena High. (Apparently sports stardom trumps racism in small town America.) Let's forget the racial overtones in this case. Let's operate on the facts alone.

Six children assaulted one child. One kid snuck up behind Justin Barker and hit him in the back of the head, so hard that it knocked him unconcious. Then the Jena 6 kicked and stomped him so badly that he spent almost three hours in the local emergency room for injuries to his head and face. That's it. A six-against-one sneak attack. And I'm supposed to feel sorry for these thugs?

I don't think so.

Now let's bring in the racial stuff and have some fun. If the little town of Jena, (for all you dumbass reporters in the media who still can't get it right it's pronounced Jeena, not Jenna) is supposed to be this 85% white mecca of racism, why was Mychal Bell not thrown in jail on any of his previous offenses? Oh, yeah, he's a football star in the making. A running back too. Apparently the next OJ Simpson.

Now let's examine the all white jury of six. Al Sharpton would have you believe that this is inherently racist, however of the hundred or so computerized summons sent out, not one single black person showed up! It has been rumoured that this was an intentional ploy to create a racially biased jury, ensuring that any convictions would be immediately thrown out on appeal, but I don't know how much of that I believe. Of the six jurors, only one is male and he actually attended school with and knew Mychal Bell's father. Were they freinds? Enemies? Or just acquaintances? That relationship alone could be grounds for dismissal.

"But it was racism that triggered the beating," you say. Well, let's see. According to the media, this is a result of white kids hanging nooses from a tree which a black student sat under. A tree which has traditionally been a white student gathering place on the school grounds. Now I'm not trying to downplay the incredible stupidity of the white students who received three day suspensions. They should have been expelled and charged with hate crimes for hanging those nooses. But of the 30-40 witnesses interviewed, none of them linked the beating to the noose incident!

On August 31, 2006, a black male freshman asked the Jena High principal for permission to sit under the "white tree." The principal rightly told the student that he could sit anywhere he wanted. The following morning, three nooses were found hanging in the "white tree." The students responsible were caught and the principal recommended expulsion, but the school board gave them three days of in-school suspension. Three months later, on December 4th, the beating occured. And guess what? Justin Barker had nothing to do with the nooses! Justin's beating came from his own incredible stupidity. Earlier that day Barker was overheard laughing and joking about how one of his attackers, Robert Bailey, Jr, was beaten by a white man the week before. Racism? Yes, but at least get the facts straight!

As for the attempted murder charges which everyone thinks is too strong, what would you call six people beating an already unconcious kid? If they stopped after he fell unconcious then I'd say assault and battery would be fine, but since knocking him unconcious was the first act followed by five or ten minutes of kicking and stomping... well, I say tough shit. If you continue to beat an unconcious person it shows that you have no concern for that persons life. That's attempted murder folks.

The upshot of all this is that there is an incredibly misguided public outcry of support for six thugs who snuck up on one kid and beat him unconcious, almost killing him. Even David Bowie has donated $10,000 for their defense. Right now, as you read this, the media is teaching children everywhere that it's perfectly fine to beat someone if he's white and you're black. It's utterly repugnant to me. Where were the so-called black leaders during the noose incedent? Why didn't someone teach these kids about the law and file suit against the noose hangers? That could have shown todays kids, the Jena 6 especially, that violence is not the correct recourse to racism. With all the mis-informed attention this case has gotten the Jena 6 will probably get off light and they better look at this as a second chance to turn their lives around.

But I'm white, so I guess I'm just another racist regardless of the facts.

Ahoy Matey!

As I be a friendly sort, I fancy tellin' yer that it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Ev'ry yar since way back in '95, the 19th o' Septemb'r has been the day o' celebration o' this wackiness. I just thought it be well and good to Blog Like A Pirate as well! So hoist the mizzen, batten the hatches, raise the Roger and steer yer vessels true into the briny seas of adventure. Ahhhhrrrrr!

(Umm... ye've got some parrot poop thar on yer shoulder.)

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


OK, so here I sit through K-Ville on FOX one more time. I have to give it a second chance. Admittedly, the first viewing wasn't all that bad if you can forgive those incredibly stupid choices producers make when they try to "improve" on the script. Things like chasing a bad guy through the Vieux Carre, then mysteriously under the Westbank side of the GNO Bridges, (you heard me, there is no such thing as the Crescent City Connection,) then ending the chase back downtown without ever crossing the bridges. And the little things like getting the local flavor almost right but stopping just short of 100%. Whatever.

The script wasn't too bad. Farfetched but plausible plot thread for the bad guys in the pilot. The backstory for the white cop however really stretches the limits of credibility. Hell, it stretches the limits of Willing Suspension Of Disbeleif, but again, whatever. I'll go ahead and give it a half-hearted thumbs up because overall it looks like they really are trying hard to get the feel of the city. Only time will tell if this show is for real, or if it's just another vehicle for the Carpet-baggers to make a quick buck off the "po' local folk."


There is one thing that simply cannot be condoned, and that is the epileptic camera work. I get the fact that they're trying to capture the handheld realism that JJ Abrams accomplishes so well at certain points in "Lost," but for crying out loud, it gives me a migraine to watch! It seems like almost every other scene has a spastic at the helm of the cameras. Knock it off guys or you're going to have half the city puking by the third commercial break.

That''s really all I have for now, but I'll let you know my take as it goes.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Humberto Rising

It's Thursday, September 12th, just past nine in the Ante of the Meridiem. As I type, TS/H Humberto is slowly creeping east toward our homes. Already the storm has knocked out power for 100,000 Tejans and reportedly killed one. This bodes not well for our town as the current administration has yet to clear many sewers of Katrina's debris, not to mention the collective trash of the past fifty years. Mark my words, if Humberto doesn't die out in the next six hours, we will soon be swimming in the streets again. Remember, the slower it moves, the longer it dumps on us. This is your Action Weather Pest, signing off for now.

As for the winds, well, I recently had the Army Corps contractors over for a Garden Party and they had a work order different from the estimate given to me by the ACE. The upshot of it is, the tree leaning toward my neighbors house is still leaning toward my neighbors house and the tree whose branches are spreading through the power lines still has its branches spreading through the power lines. As the lead tree guy told me, "I wouldn't worry about those. You haven't had any big storms or hurricanes yet."

Well thanks for your brilliant insight you myopic twat. It's the storms in the future I'm worried about! So far, the City of Kenner, the Parish of Jefferson, the ACE, and Entergy have all picked up little twigs and sticks from the yard, each claiming that they or the ACE would bring these trees down. After the first four months of waiting I brought two down myself, but they were relatively small and not leaning over the neighbors or next to high voltage lines. Two years later and still getting that good old Beauraucratic Runaround. My tax dollars at rest, eh? I wonder how much I'll be able to sue them for if these trees come down during Humberto? I better shove the attorney section of the Yellow Pages in some Tupperware, I may need them!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Shocking Displays Of Vulgarity!

Am I the only one who has become bored with the tame porn out there on the web? Is there nothing left which can stir my inner desires? Indeed there is... Furniture Porn!! Enter freely and of your own will, but be prepared for some of the most shocking diplays of hot action you have ever seen!! Read the agreement carefully, you will not regret it, and once inside go straight to the roof sex video. Steamy stuff indeed!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Department Of Duh!

I refuse to speculate on whether Madeleine McCann's parents had anything to do with her disappearance, but I'd like to address the outrage surrounding the police questioning and suspecting them. Get over it. They were suspects from the very beginning. In every child abduction case the police investigate the parents. It would be incredibly stupid not to, and in many cases the investigation finds one or two guilty parents. Deal with it. If they're innocent, they have nothing to worry about. If not, then won't you in the angry mob feel stupid?

The Race Is On!

It was only a matter of time before Bill Jefferson played the race card and apparently, that time is now. Jefferson's lawyers have filed a dozen motions for dismissal of charges but the one that really kills me is the one which claims that his trial was set in Virginia in order to reduce the chance of minorities on the jury. Jefferson wants the trial held in Washington, DC and has filed motions to view any and all documents regarding choice of venue in order to prove that racism was a factor in the choice.

Jefferson is basically saying that minorities are more likely to find him innocent and that white people are all racists and will find him guilty, an incredibly racist viewpoint in and of itself. Does Billy think black people are so stupid that they won't be able to understand the facts? Or is there some sort of unwritten rule that all black folks stick together when one of their own is on trial? Or does he simply distrust all white people? Either way, it's just more proof of how unfit he is to hold public office.

That's Why It's Not Called A Brainy Pageant

First, click here and watch this video, I'll wait. For those lazy few, let me transcribe it for you. It's Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, attempting to answer a question in the Miss Teen USA contest.

Q: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?

A: I personally believe... that... U.S. Americans are unable to do so... because, uh, some... people out there in our nation don't have maps, and uh, I believe that our ud... education like such as uh, South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and... I believe that they should, uh, our education over here, in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.


U.S. Americans? As opposed to Russian Americans? The Iraq? One out of five cant locate the U.S. on a map because they don't have maps? Whatever crap about world peace your pageant coach tried to cram in your head for the Q&A session didn't quite sink in did it? Except the part about using "brainy" phrases such as "such as." (That's how the phrase is used dear.) She sounds like... uh, George Bush! And this clueless dolt was the fourth runner-up!

I remember waking up with the Miss Teen USA contest assaulting my senses at this very point in the program but I thought it was just my hangover scrambling the words. I quickly changed the channel and forgot about it, but came across it again on the web. I suppose people will think I'm being mean by calling attention to Lauren's incredible stupidity, but dammit, why does this nation put up with people like this? Can't we take a stand against stupidity? Immediately after her mouth stopped moving the judges should have thanked her and sent her home. "I'm so sorry Miss Teen South Carolina, but your brain does not meet our needs at this time."

But that will never happen will it? Because as a nation, we are willing to forgive the cute and beautiful for being stupid. Look at Katie Couric as an example. She's just so damn cute we don't really mind that her head is full of feathers. We forgive her for hiring a plagiarist to ghost-write her blog for her because her smile is so sweet. It's all so sad. Of course, I haven't been able to figure out why we're so forgiving of George Bush. Nothing cute at all about that monkey-faced cretin, but still we let him run around creating mistakes that will cost us dearly down the road. I guess if we're willing to elect an intellectually bankrupt President there's no hope of ever blotting out stupidity in this nation. Whoops, I gotta go... Desperate Housewives is on!

You Are Not Free To Move About The Country

I'm so torn by this article. For those of you too lazy to click through, a Southwest Airlines supervisor removed Kyla Ebbert from one of it's flights because he decided her outfit was not family freindly. It's incomprehensible that some dickhead named Keith is so full of "Moral Fiber" that he can spot inappropriate attire at the drop of a hat, but at the same time, Kyla Ebbert should probably rethink her wardrobe choices. The above-referenced article has a picture of the outfit in question, a semi-short white skirt and white tank top covered by a half-length green sweater which, honestly, makes Kyla look like one of those skanks at Hooters.


OK, so she is one of those skanks at Hooters, but should she be removed from a flight for this? Absolutely not. Now I'll admit that the outfit simply screams "I need attention, I'm 23 and I look 35 but my tits and ass are still firm" and she should be probably shot for wearing it in public, but it's Supervisor Keith's actions that really pissed me off. After she had boarded her flight and taken her seat, Supervisor Keith approached her and asked her to come to the front of the plane. Confused, she complied, only to be told that Southwest was a family airline and she would not be allowed to fly in such a "revealing" outfit. Smooth move Keith. A little advice though: Next time you want to hit on a skank, just offer her a drink or a bump in the bathroom.

Ebbert was taking a day flight with no luggage so she really had no option of changing clothes, but Supervisor Keith had a plan. She could go to one of the shops in the airprort and buy something more appropriate to wear. Hmmm. Maybe Supervisor Keith is getting kickbacks from the Duty Free shop. Regardless, if he hadn't been such a twit, no one would have even noticed Ebbert's tacky attire. You've been on a plane before, yes? Aside from the portly mouth-breathing buisinessman next to you, how many other travellers can you see from your seat without seriously craning your neck? Exactly, none. So basically, Supervisor Keith created a huge problem, delayed an airline flight, and embarrased a poor girl all because he decided that other people on the flight who hadn't complained and couldn't even see this woman shouldn't be threatened with the possibility of catching sight of her outfit. Rock on Keith. Was your He-Man moment everything you thought it would be? Did you love the little taste of power?

Southwest Airlines, I applaud you for supporting your employees incredibly bad decisions. It shows you really care about the people you hire. Of course, I'll never buy a ticket from you shit-heels ever again, but that's because you're attempting to play the morally righteous role. It's bad enough that airlines have the absolutely worst service to cost ratio, but I don't need the hassle of your fashion police breathing down my neck. Plus, I've met some of your stewardesses at local bars here in New Orleans. They were dressed nicely, but the stuff they were doing on the dance floor... well, it's still illegal in 38 states. Maybe you should worry more about how your employees represent themselves and less about what your paying customers are wearing.

As for you, Miss Ebbert, I don't care what you wear, but have some self respect. You say you were going to see a doctor. For what? A quickie? Who dresses like that for a doctor visit? Stop pretending you're as young as you were in high school and get yourself some decent outfits for travel. If you want to dress like a whore, save it for an appropriate venue.

Like Hooters.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The Katrina Solution

I am here to defuse the conspiracy theorists ahead of time. The six nukes which were "accidentally" shipped to New Orleans via B-52 were not sent here to silence the detractors of the Bush Regime, nor were they sent here to blow the new levees during the next storm. I know many of you think this was a master-stroke of genius. What better way to rid the country of the eyesore that is the Lower Ninth Ward and the spectre of Hurricane Katrina victims who are still living in poison trailers waiting for their Federal Unlimited Cash for Katrina checks than to stage a good old "nukular" terror strike right here in the Big Easy.

Fortunately the First Ape isn't smart enough to think of that.

Sure, we all know the drill from countless Sci-Fi novels. People aren't getting along. Government fakes massive terror attack/alien invasion. People band together in the spirit of brotherhood. But as we also know, the First Ape won't (or can't) read so how would he know about that particular plan. Unless someone told him the plot of the upcoming Watchmen movie...

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Uh, George uh, speaks. Uh. Sorta.

As a public service, I transcribed George Bush's speech to the MLK school. I invite you all to go to WDSU and read along with the video. It may be the only way to understand this thing. Some of the spellings of names may be wrong, but I wrote 'em as he said 'em. By the way, who the hell is Kip McDonough?

Madam Principal thank you for having us. Laura and I are honored to be here, umm... during the moment of reflection it is a time to... ask for the Almighty's blessings on those who suffer, those who lost a loved one, and remember that there's always a more blessed day in the future. And that's what we're here to celebrate, a more blessed day, and there's no better place to do so than in a place of hope... and that's a school, and so we're honored, uh, that you would welcome us. We love being with your teachers, and your students, thanks for being here.

Uh, governor thanks for coming. Uh, Governor Kathleen Blanco is an educational reformer. She has done what leaders are s'posed to do. When she sees a problem, address them head on and pass law and budget necessary to... achieve educational excellence, and you've done so governor, I congratulate you for your leadership.

I'm proud to be with the congressman. Jeff thanks for coming. You care deeply about the... students of this district and I'm glad you're here.

I do want to thank Don Powell for joining us, Don is the... is the recovery man, uh, who, uh, represents the White House and the administration here in Washington. From, in, in Louisiana from Washington and thank you for your service.

I appreciate the state education superintendent, uh Pastorak, superintendent thanks for coming, he is a, he's got a vision of excellence for the schools in New Orleans, and for uh, Louisiana. He shared that vision with us earlier.

I appreciate, uh, Paul Vallas, superintendent here in New Orleans for his willingness to take on... this challenge. He dudn't view it as a... problem, he views it as an opportunity. I first met Paul in Chicago, where he is uh, he was an advocate then like he is today of high expectations and... strong accountability to make sure every child learns.

I appreciate Hilda Young. Sister Finnery. She's the superintendent of the Catholic School system here I thank all the teachers... students and parents who've joined us.

Hurricane Katrina, umm... broke through the levees, it broke a lot of hearts, it destroyed buildings but it didn't affect the spirit of a lot of citizens. In this community. This spirit can be best reflected when, when you think about... a principal who... refused to allow a school to... be, uh, destroyed by the flood and worked hard to not only rebuild the building but keep the spirit alive or... it can be reflected in the fact that teachers commute. Uh, we met a... seventh grade teacher, today... who, uh, commutes thirty miles every day... to be able to impart knowledge and... to share wisdom with students who will be... leading New Orleans in the future

And so it's uh, I-I uh, I... m-my attitude is this, New Orleans... better days are ahead. It's sometimes hard for people to see progress when you live... in a community all the time. Laura and I get to come, we-we-we don't live here. We-we come... on occasion. And it's easy to think about what it was like when we first came here after the hurricane... and what it's like today. And this town's coming back. This town is better today than it was yesterday and it's gonna be better tomorrow than it was... today. And idn't no better place to find that out than, uh, than in the school system.

First I do wanna thank our fellow citizens for their generosity when it comes to helping New Orleans and the Gulf Coast rebuild. The citizens of this country thus far... have, uh, paid out a hunnert and fourteen billion dollars in tax revenues, their money... to help the folks down here. And I appreciate the governor, last night we went to, uh, we had a nice dinner... here in New Orleans, bytheway I have yet to recover... Dooky Chase's. If you wanna eat a lot of good food go there. But during that dinner the governor, uh, expressed her appreciation... to the taxpayers of America, i know there's taxpayers are people from all around the country have gotta understand the people of this part of the world, really do appreciate... the fact that the American citizens... are supportive of the recovery effort.

Of the hunnert-fourteen billion spent so far... uh, uh, uh, uh, in resources allocated so far 'bout eighty percent of the funds have been dispersed or available... uh, and of course, Don and I will try to work through the bureaucracy in Washington just like folks down here are trying to work through the bureaucracy to make sure that there are adequate plans for the money. And so we're workin' through... this kind of collaborative effort of federal, state and local... folks workin' together to make sure the taxpayers money is spent wisely on priorities. But there's uh been a commitment and a strong commitment.

A lot of people down here prob'ly wondered whether or not, those of us in the federal government not from Louisiana would pay attention, to Louisiana or Mississippi, 'nother words... one thing to come give a speech in Jackson Square it's another thing to... keep paying attention to whether or not progress is being made, and uh, I hope, I hope people understand we do. W-w-w-w-we're still paying attention... we understand.

One of Don Powell's jobs is to make sure that the federal government understands the hurdles that remain to, for recovery. One hurdle was the levee system. We fully understand that New Orleans, can't be rebuilt until there's confidence in the levees. It's one thing to plan it's another thing to convince people that, uh, that the levees will work. And there's been a lot of effort by the Army Corps of Engineer as a matter of fact Don Powell announced, uh, the other day that... that we're gonna complete work to improve stormfloodprotectioninfrastructure, uh, to a hunnert year protection level... by 2011. And that's a, uh, that's, that's a commitment... and it's an important commitment to make.

We're also gonna fund 1.3 billion dollar network of interior drainage projects to insure the area, has, better hurricane protection... or if there's federal responsibilities the levee system is the federal responsibility... and we'll, we'll meet our responsibility. And there's a, uh, obviously we're gonna work, together with the state... and local governments as well, obviously it's, it's, its uh, it's a collaborative effort. Uh, one of the things that Kathleen and I have been working on a long time is wetlands restoration... in order to provide more protection for the folks down here, we got a good bill outta the Congress, and uh, it's an opportunity now for Louisiana to have the cash, uh funds necessary to begin a... serious and subsidied wetlands restoration program.

I appreciate the fact that Al Gonzalez was down yesterday talking about how the federal government can help... on local law enforcement matters. I firmly believe local law enforcement is just that - local... requires a commitment by the local folks to... hold people to account for crime, but the federal government can help and so Al was down yesterday announcing, uh in opening a family justice center. To help the... victims of... domestic violence

Uh, VA... is gonna build a medical... center in downtown New Orleans... as part of the federal commitment, to... helping people here recover.

And so I uh, I come... uh telling the folks in this part of the world that we, we still understand there's problems... and we're still engaged and, and Don will continue to... make sure that uh, that we listen, and respond when, when possible.

But let me talk about the school system, umm... there is nothing more hopeful than a, a good school system... and I firmly believe that excellence in education is gonna be the... leading edge of change... for New Orleans. Uh, Mark Spellings who's the Secretary of Education understands this... concept. The government has uh, provided Louisiana with more than 700 million dollars in emergency education funds... to help not only the public school system, but also the parochial school system. And that's money well spent. It's money spent on, c-construction, it's money spent on, uh, creating sincentives for teachers to return, it's money insent to make sure children who went to other school districts, uh, those school districts got reimbursed, it was good money spent. Because education needs to be the number one priority in the state... just like... Kathleen Blanco has made... that the priority.

New Orleans is, uh 'bout to open eighty school, nearly eighty schools this fall, that's a remarkable achievement. Nearly half of which happen to be charter schools. I believe in freedom, to manage... and accountability to make sure everybody learns. And that's the essence of the charter school movement. Freedom to manage... but accountability to make sure... no child... gets left behind and that's' the spirit of the superintendent... both superintendents here. They believe in high expectations... and measuring... see its what I call challenging the soft bigotry of low expectations. If you don''t believe, that somebody can learn you'll set low expectations. If you believe every child can learn... you'll raise the expectations and then you'll insist upon measurement to make sure that... each child is tracked. And we disaggregate results, that's a fancy word for making sure that... we understand whether or not, each school... is meeting certain standards. And then help for those that aren't... changes for those that aren't, and praise for those that are, and we're at MLK and we're here to heap praise.

This is the first public school to open in the Lower Ninth Ward. It is a tribute to volunteers... concerned parents and citizens who... care about education. It is a... tribute to the fact that, there's teachers who... taught in makeshift classrooms during renovations, in other words they care about the buildings, but they care more about education... and were willing to teach, no matter what the circumstances may be. Uh, and they, it, it's uh, a tribute to a principal... who had a clear vision. And so we're here to herald excellence, and to thank the good folks, in this community for supporting this school, with the understanding that this school... is one of the great beacons for hope.

I uh, I want to thank uhm... the educational entrepreneurs who've joined us, those who are in the process of... helping find... uh... new teachers. Teachers... there was a great concern obviously when, when, w-w-when schools re-opening to whether or not there'd be enough teachers. And people responded. Uh, people responded tuh... to the call to help... provided, uh, at a grassroots level the support necessary... uh, to encourage people to teach. Teach NOLA... is such an example. If your interested in bein' a teacher from around the country, get on the internet on Teach NOLA... and you'll find opportunities to come here, to Washing, uhn, New Orleans to teach. We got somebody from Washington, who came down... to help... rally, uh support for the... school system.

Teach For America is active... in this community. Charter school system by the way spawns all kinds of different opportunities for people... to be involved with schools I think of Kip McDonough... 15 school. It's a high standard school. It is a school that says y'know if there are rules that prevent us from teaching, we'll try to figure out how to get around 'em cause what matters more than anything i... teaching a child.

I was impressed that uh, that when they got into the school system there, when they first got going in this particular school they extended the school day with class every other saturday. It's whatta we, what does it take to catch up. What do we need to do to meet standards. And uh, it... the principal, the former principal put it this way, "It took a hurricane to speed up and really jump start the reform efforts in New Orleans" 'Nother words the hurricane was disastrous in many reasons, but it also gave a great opportunity... for a new way forward, seized by the governor and the superintendents and the principals... by the way.

Uh Laura and I care a lot about the libraries... why we dedicatin' books... we're proud to be, uh, a part of... the rebuilding of this library. Uh Laura's got a foundation, uh, and has established the Gulf Coast Library Recovery Initiative... all aiming to make sure, that, uh... that these libraries are stocked with books. You oughta apply to her foundation, by the way I think that might have... I think you'll have a good opportunity. I'll try to work it for you.

I'll never forget one time when I was governor of Texas a woman looked at me 'n she said "reading is the new civil right." It had a profound impact... on the policies that we have pursued, uh, since I've been in public office, and Laura's pursuit as a... lifelong reader. 'N that person was right. We gotta start makin' sure these youngsters can read... at grade level... and stay reading at grade level, no better way to send a message that that is a commitment, than by making sure that the libraries are stocked.

I wanna share a story with you about a woman named Rebecca Jeanfreau who's here... where are you Rebecca... there ya go, thanks for comin'...uh, she was uh... a Boston architect... she'd studied to become uh, a uh... architect and was... in a firm, uh but she is from New Orleans, and she started thinking about the community she loved. And so she said uh, I needed to act and I'm ready to act... and she came back to be a teacher. She left a promising career as a, architect... to come back to a... community that's she's... that is dear to her heart. It's that spirit by the way, that is gonna, uh... uh, a-allow me to predict, with certainty... New Orleanses... better days are ahead... for the New Orleans people.

I mean this is a, uh, and there's stories like go back to all over this community... people who've heard a call... to come back and help... no better way to help by the way than to teach. But there're all kinds of different ways people can help the people of New Orleans... and, and the Gulf Coast recover. You can contribute to the NGO's or the... local organizations that are still helpin' heal hearts. You can help with, uh, sendin' books to schools. You can get on websites to determine, where the needs are. If you're a citizen of this country who cares about making sure that this part of the region fully recovers... please participate... please find a way to help and... continue to do so.

So governor I'm honored you're here. Laura and I are thrilled to be in this school... we're... we're really pleased that uh, that uh MLK school has given us an opportunity to herald excellence, uh, ah... we uh, we care deeply about the folks in this part of the world, we ask for God's blessings... on the families who still hurt and suffer... and we thank God for... the recovery efforts that thus far have taken place. Thank you for your time.

No, really, who the hell is Kip McDonough? And after all that praise for MLK's principal, who stood next to the First Ape the whole time, couldn't he at least have introduced her? I don't know who she is. And if you listened to the video as you read along, you'll know that those weren't spelling errors on my part, just verbatim transcription. Now, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to punctuation, but at least I can speak the English Language! How much do you wnat to bet that this speech is all prettified and edited for Georgie's memoirs? You would think his oration and diction would be better for a speech on education! There's so much wrong here that even I'm at a loss for words, but from what I can make out, between the heaping praise for our local pinheads and future jailbirds, education is important to this man. How's that for fucking irony. Let this be a lesson on the importance of voting. A presidency is a terrible thing to waste.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Happy Rex Manning Day!

President George W Bush touched down at Armstrong International Airport sometime last night for his much celebrated photo-op here in The City That He Forgot. In preparation for his arrival, our most intelligent citizens have been ushered far away so as not to disrupt the Boob-In-Chiefs visit. Soon after Air Force One touched down, Curious George was met by some of his other partners in homicide, (Mayor Ray Nagin, Governor Kathleen Blanco, et al,) and they all joined together in a big circle jerk of "Heckuva Jobs."

Bush and his wife Laura, (who added to the expense of the trip by taking her own separate jet,) were then whisked out of sight to a naval vessel to spend the night. Apparently they don't trust the city to keep them safe overnight, or care to spend a paltry few dollars in a local hotel to help the economy. During his visit, the First Ape will visit one of the few Ninth Ward schools able to operate and have a nice meal at Dooky Chase's, and in honor of the First Ape, the city has closed down the Canal Street streetcar line. That should be nice for the residents who depend on the line to go to and from work. Following his brief stop here, Georgie and Company will travel to Gulfport and do some other incredibly relevant stuff to prove how much he cares about the Gulf Coast.

That's about all I can tell you as only people who are unlikely to express negative thoughts about this Administration are allowed within a two mile radius of the First Ape. God forbid he get an earful from someone who is still waiting for all that help he promised us. I'm fairly certain that he will be shown those three houses in the Ninth Ward that have been rebuilt though.

By the way, if you're wondering about the title of this post, it's a nod to the film Empire Records, in which a record store goes all out to celebrate the arrival of a pop singer who they view as a very cool dude, only to find out that he's a self centered prick interested only in advancing his own career and reputation. Think about it.

UPDATE: It's noon, August 29th, 2007. Rex Manning is gone. Thousands of taxpayer dollars were spent keeping the First Ape well shielded from the city by way of police blockades along every street he travelled. New Orleanian taxpayer dollars. I find it incredibly telling that such precautions must be taken for this idiot to ride through our town. If "W" had bothered to keep his promises to us he wouldn't have to hide like this. As it stands, if he's going to continue to yank our chains like this, we should at least be allowed to line the streets and show him how we feel. Sleep well back in Washington in your house with walls, carpets and hot water you lying sack of crap.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Edwards: Trying The Hard Way

Democratic vice-presidential hopeful john Edwards continues his assault on America by continuing to run for President. This week, the well coiffed candidate took aim at Mrs BJ Clinton by stating that the "White House is not for sale and the Lincoln bedroom is not for rent." Strong words for a man who is currently foreclosing on Katrina victims shattered lives.

Here's an idea Johnny... build a weather machine, send a really big storm to Washington, flood the crap out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and then you and your shit-heel pals at Fortress Investment Group, LLC can foreclose on it and move in. Simple, yes? Of course, that only gets you the address. You'll still just be a leader of men in your own mind.

For more information read the Wall Street Journal story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Love Is One Thing...

You say you want a pork solution, we-ell ya know...

There you go, click on it. You know you want to. It's the "Bacon Of The Month Club." Feel free to join if your Road Home check is burning a hole in your pocket. This was sent to me by a good friend who knows how much I love Bacon, (thanks Shoop,) but for crying out loud... 215 bucks a year? You get two packs of "gourmet" bacon each month so that makes 24 packs divided by 215 equals... (carry the naught...) EIGHT NINETY-FIVE A PACK!!!

Do I look like Donald Trump? Add in the $135 S&H charges and you're over $14.50 per pack! I'll stick with the local pigs, thank you very much. But if any of you fat-cats out there are wondering what to get me for Christmas...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Vick-tim Of His Own Stupidity

Yes, I know I should have been keeping you all up to date on the Michael Vick brouhaha, but I'll make it up to you now. My sources deep inside the Atlanta Falcons organization inform me that after the troubled QB serves his 12- to 18-month sentence, he will be welcome back into the folds of the organization as the Starting Quarterback. According to the front office, Vick wil have all benefits, bonuses and perks returned to him as long as he wins football games for the Falcons. However, in the event that he loses a game, he will be eletrocuted and then shot in the head in a wooded area out behind the Georgia Dome.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm Back!

And apparently, you folks have been letting things slide. As I collapsed on the bed after my second trip to the 'Burgh in three weeks, I popped on the tube to catch up on the news. What did I see? One of the last honest (I thought...) politicians left in the Big Easy resigning in shame over a corruption deal tied to (of all things) the Morial Administration.

Well fuck me.

I'm not even going to go into detail here, but apparently city councilman Oliver Thomas is just as worthless as Vitter, Jefferson, Broussard and most of the other scumbags he has derided in the past. He has admitted taking bribes to ensure certain individuals received lucrative parking contracts. Now I admit that upon first hearing this news, straight from Thomas himself, my mind did a doubletake and said, "No. Ya gotta be kidding. He's the honest one." It wasn't like the Jefferson incident when my mind just said, "Wow, someone finally noticed his shenanigans," then farted qiute loudly in disgust. I watched Thomas' interview with Norman Robinson and actually felt a little sorry for the guy. He gave in to temptation and unfortunately got caught. But then Robinson asked the $64,000 question...

"Were you approached by them or did they approach you?"

What followed next was the most unbecoming twenty seconds of awkward silence I have ever seen a politician go through. Now OT is not a stupid man. The fact that this question stopped him cold like this was very telling. Of course he answered that they came to him, what else would he say? But for a bright guy like him to have to fumble for such an easily answered question... well, let's just say that he buried the needle on my Bullshit-O-Meter.

My advice for Ollie? Follow your current path. You've already done the hard part in confessing and resigning and for that I retain a modicum of respect for you. Now play nice with the Feds and answer all the questions they have honestly and help send some other local scumbags to prison. It's the least you can do for the city you claim to love.

One small side note here: Last night on WDSU, the reporter covering the Sal & Mabel Mangano case was discussing the witness list for the trial and how it included local meteorologists, news directors and politicians. (I think it was Richard Angelico, but I was laughing too hard to be sure.) He had no trouble saying the words "witness list" until he came to the name of Governor Kathleen Blanco who he said was on the "witless list." Freudian slip? Truth stranger than fiction? Who knows, but he certainly nailed that one on its flat head!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Swallowing This Costs Extra

The only things missing from David Vitter's statement today were facts, answers and emotion. In his drab monotone voice, Vitter thanked "countless freinds and fellow citizens" for their prayers and support. Countless? What's the matter Dave? Can't you count to eight? He again apologized for letting us down "with these actions from (his) past." Yeah, you said that already. Why not apologize for skipping work for the last week? It was at this point the cameras pulled back to reveal a mortified Wendy Vitter, trying desperately to hold the bile behind her tightly clenched lips. (Shoulda gotten the Botox, sweetheart.) Next came denials of any sexual encounters with prostitutes in New Orleans, stating that these are falsehoods made by his political enemies and profiteers. Uh-huh. Sure Dave.

Two minutes into the poorly constructed statement Vitter remarked: "Now having said all this I'm not gonna answer endless questions about it all over again and again and again and again." No shit. He won't even answer questions about it the first time. He then rambled on for thirty seconds about the bills he's writing and the work he intends to do on Capitol Hill in the future, ending our boredom with the statement that he's heading straight to the airport on to Washington for "votes." Hmmm, about four hours total check-in time plus air time plus drive time... you really think they're voting at 10 pm EST Davey? Maybe you should have just gone to work in the first place instead of wasting an entire week coming up with this pathetic excuse for a public statement.

As he backed sheepishly away from the podium, WDSU's Travers Mackel attempted to ask "Senator, did you have a sexual relationship with anyone..." only to be cut off by Wendy Vitter's grab for the spotlight. Dressed in a low-cut leopard print dress which I swear I've seen in a Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog, the outspoken cheatee spoke out. Almost parroting Hillary Clinton, she claimed "to forgive is not always the easy choice, but it was, and is, the right choice for me." Guess Davey's penis isn't going to be Bobbitized after all. What a letdown.

Fighting back what seemed to be tears of shame, Wendy went on to complain about the press camped out on her doorstep and at their church, as if this is all the fault of the reporters. She closed her statement by asking the press to let her family "continue our summer and lives as we had planned." I suppose that means we're supposed to ignore the lies, the hypocrisy and the missed work. Good luck honey. (By the way, am I the only one to notice that Wendy got the last word?)

Both Vitter and his wife either fail to grasp the real issue here or are trying to spin it to their advantage. Both Vitter and his wife are completely inaccurate. The issue here is not that their marriage is a sham, but that Vitter is a hypocrite and obviously too incompetent to deal with this problem and effectively do his job. This so called "press conference" is proof of that fact. Instead of addressing his constituents concerns and answering questions, (which could have been done in his first press conference,) Vitter chose to waste an entire week hiding from everyone, missing votes and meetings. Add to this the fact that it took him seven days to "craft" this statement which said absolutely nothing new and you begin to see how useless Vitter truly is. If that's not enough for you, how about the fact that both Vitters could only manage two and a half minutes of speech (each) with Davey coming out ahead by about ten seconds. Talk about bait and switch.

In an earlier post, I said I wouldn't call for Vitter's resignation because this was not a really big deal to me. If his marriage is so dead and cold that he needs a hooker to get him off, I don't care, but his hypocrsiy mixed with his inability to carry out the duties of his office are inexcusable. His apology was nice, but completely forced by the fact that he got caught. Everyone is sorry when they get caught, Dave. You should have been a man and addressed this issue last week. You should have taken the time to answer any and all questions honestly instead of saying nothing and hiding behind your wife's skirt. Take my advice Dave, this isn't going to go away until you do.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Pardon Me...

Former governor Dave Treen is currently using his connections with former Louisianian John Breaux to seek an audience with current Moron-In-Chief Gerofge Bush in order to free former governor Edwin Edwards from his prison term. Pardon my english but are you fucking kidding me? The absolute last thing this state needs is for Treen to open up this can of worms. With David Vitter in the spotlight for his hypocrisy, William Jefferson and his family of scumbags already under Federal investigation and the mysterious ongoing(?) probe concerning former mayor Marc Morial and his clan still in limbo, why in the hell do we need this aggravation?

Treen bases his meddling on some pretty weak criteria. One, that Edwards is now 80 years old and shouldn't have to suffer any longer in prison. Bullshit, he's guilty, let him do his time. It's called justice. Another, that Bush pardoned 'Scooter' Libby, he should pardon Eddie. Oh, sure, this makes sense. What heat has Edwards taken for Georgie? Libby was pardoned for taking the fall for other Bush flunkies. Edwards is not even a blip on Georgie's radar.

If Bush is incredibly stupid enough to actually pardon Edwards, we can all kiss Federal help goodbye for any future disaster we may suffer. If you think the country is sick of hearing about the corrupt politicians we have in Louisiana now, wait until this shit hits the cieling fan and lands square in the middle of the nations face. I can see no reason for Treen to even care about this issue unless Edwin's been sending him big checks in their recent correspondance. How about it Dave? Is your Uncle Eddie buying his way to freedom? Pardon me Dave, but sit down and shut the fuck up and wither away quietly up there in Mandeville

New Math

The recent report on the war in Iraq lists 18 benchmarks. 8 of these were ranked as failures, 8 as successes and 2 were ranked right in between. President Bush proudly waves this report in the face of the nation and calls it a success. Are you [bleep]ing kidding me? No matter how you spin it, that's just below 44.5%. A solid failure in even the most lenient classes.

But then, I'm not Georgie. Normal rules of conduct and common sense actually apply to me. George on the other hand is used to failing and coming out smelling like a rose. Just like when his Texas MLB club was failing, he made money by sucking in investors at "the right time." Likewise, his oil operations in the eighties were miserable failures but he did ok. (I think he owned the only oil companies to fail to make a profit during the eighties oil boom.) It must be nice to be blissfully unaware of how sub-par you truly are.

The new math of the Bush Administration runs deep. Ask anyone who worked in the Texas school system while he was governor of that fine state. His No Child Left Behind program was a rousing success and Texas had a record low number of high school dropouts. This was due to the fact that dropouts were listed as "transfers to other schools or districts." In fact, in a survey of 16 high schools conducted by the state, a field of 5500 freshman had only about 2500 students reach graduation thanks to Secretary of Education Rod Paige, (Houston school superintendant from 1994-2001,) a longtime Bush crony. The real success of NCLB? Paige fired principals who reported dropouts and gave $5000 bonuses to those who reported 0 dropouts.

I know, it's an old story. And it's obvious that America doesn't really give a damn because this all broke open as Georgie was digging a new ass groove into the Oval Office leather chair. I don't know who to be more sick of; the First Liar or you mindless [bleep]s who elected him. No matter how you arrange the numbers, the Bush Administration simply doesn't add up, but it certainly divides us well.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Had Enough Yet?

David Vitter is spending our tax dollars on whores, Kathy Blanco is pushing through an 11 million dollar pay raise for every politician and state employee, Bill Jefferson and cronies, (the Judge Greens and the Gill-Pratts and other cronies,) are currently ripping the proverbial copper wiring out of every buisiness and governmental seat they occupy, Eddie Jordan has re-spun the revolving door formerly used by Judge Charles Elloie to release murderers and rapists, and Mayor C Ray Nagin is cramming his campaign coffers full of contractor cash in Kansas City, MO.

Any one of the above would be cause for alarm, but taken together it's amazing that you're sitting in what's left of your storm damaged home calmly reading this. (What's left of) the population of New Orleans and it's surrounding areas should be camped out in front of City Hall, the Governor's Mansion, and in front of every single local politicians home demanding wholesale slaughter! We should be pelting our so-called "leaders" with rotten tomatoes as they step from their luxury cars and walk smugly to their offices. We should be jamming their phone lines with complaints about their behavior. We should all be on strike, bringing this city to a standstill until our voices are heard and our problems dealt with by those who have sworn to work for us! We should be ashamed of ourselves for electing these scumbags in the first place.

The coming elections will be a great measure of just how incompetent we, the people are. Blanco has already realized the futility of running for re-election and is chomping at the bit to disappear from the public eye so that we forget about her incompetent "leadership" during Katrina and Rita. (Have you noticed that her "legacy" project, Kathleen Blanco's Louisiana Road Home Project no longer bears her name in the newscasts as it did at the beginning?) Vitter remains silent on his whoring, (and honestly I don't care what he did, it's the hypocrisy of his values and his inability to show up for work that piss me off,) but his days are pretty much numbered. Eddie Jordan will have to overcome his laissez-faire attitude to the safety of New Orlenians and his racist nature in order to retain his comfy job. (When he took office he fired about 50 people, mostly white, to which he replied that he fired black people too. He got it backwards though. He should have said he fired two black people.) The Jeffersons, et al, are moving on up to a dee-luxe apartment in Club Fed so regardless of elections, they'll be safely put away where they can intermarry and inbreed to their hearts content. And little C Ray has no chance of winning the gubernatorial race, does he? No matter how many votes he buys with his out-of state chitlin dinners and his whitey bashing charm, there are 63 parishes he needs to sway and that just ain't gonna happen, right?



Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Next Time, Let's Elect The [Bleep]ing Hooker

Andy Warhol once said that in the future, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame. Well, it looks like David Vitter is getting his and he may have underestimated the effects of his one little sin. I confess, I did too. But that was before I knew that Jeanette Maier would actually come forward and out him. (I was just guessing in the last post.) That was before Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced that he was in contact with five other prostitutes claiming to have had sexual relations with the Senator. And sadly, it was before Vitter called in sick this morning on Capitol Hill.

Now I don't care if Davy has sex with sheep as long as he's not puffing up his chest and condemning all the other sheep-[bleep]ers in the country. If you recall, Vitter was an avid cheerleader for Bill Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky scandal in 1998. He even went so far as to impugn Clinton's "moral fitness" to govern the nation, and this was less than a year before he began hooking up in DC. (At least five times between 1999 and 2001. Of course, it now appears he had been dipping his wick for some time before Clinton got caught.) Will he now resign his seat in the senate for the same reasons?

Of course not.

As I write this, I'm fairly sure that Davy's working on his next public statement. You know, how this has been a terrible ordeal for his family, (I can almost feel the botox being injected into his wifes face so we won't be able to see her grimace at him,) and how through their love and support he hopes to rise above this small mistake he's made. He'll then assure his constituents that this episode will not hinder his ability to effectively carry out his duties as a United States Senator and thank us all for our continued support of him. Then he'll share a very cold and awkward embrace with his wife and slink off before the mainstream press is allowed to ask any questions. I swear it just makes me want to cry.

But here's the catch: It has already hindered his ability to perform his job. Vitter's absence today comes at a cost of three missed committee meetings, two missed senate votes on the troops in Iraq a cancelled meeting with the man who runs our country, Vice-President Dick Cheney and his monthly radio appearance on WWL radio. So much for the Public Trust. It seems that Davy's not satisfied just [bleep]ing whores, but now he's [bleep]ing his constituents and the rest of the state as well.

Since this issue has come to light, we also see that hypocrisy runs in the family. After Bob Livingston was outed for his extra-marital affair in 1999, Vitter's wife Wendy was asked if she could forgive her husband if she were in the same situation. Her response: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. (Clinton) If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." Hmmm, perhaps that's why we've had no word from Davy. he might be undergoing re-attatchment surgery at this very moment.

At any rate, I'm not going to be one of those imbecilic reactionaries who call out for blood at the top of my lungs. If Davy wants to keep his job it's his decision. How much more damage can he do to the State of Louisiana. (Yes, I know what an incredibly stupid question that is.) However if it was me, (yeah, like I'm some aging fart that needs to pay whores for sex,) I'd step down and move to a remote island where no-one ever heard of me and quietly fade into history as just another lying scumbag in the annals of Louisiana Politics. Good luck Davy, your Warhol time is up.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Walk Of Shame

I love the cinema, but I hate the movies.

It has just come to my attention that the three stars of the Harry Potter movies have been inducted into the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Congratulations to the boy that portrays Harry, Emma Something, and the former fat kid. I've heard from countless eight-year-olds that you were all really super in your roles and that the films really made the books come to life. With buzz like that it's no wonder that you now share the sidewalk with John Wayne, Meryl Streep, Lucille Ball, and Gene Kelly.

Wait a minute. I detect a wee bit of sarcasm in that last paragraph. Yup, there it is. I think what I really meant to say was, "What the fuck do you three dinks deserve a star for?" I mean, be serious for a moment. Yes, the books are well written and yes, the movies are well done, but exactly how does this qualify the three of you for Hollywood immortality?

It was always my impression that a star on the Walk of Fame stood for a persons untiring devotion to his or her art, be it acting, directing, scoring, etcetera. I thought the honor of a star stood for years of service to the public, providing us with the laughter and tears we wish we could find in our real lives. I guess I was wrong. Apparently, you can get a star on the Walk of Fame for doing a line of coke off David Geffen's italian marble sink while simultaneously taking a crap and not missing the bowl. Who knew.

Enjoy your fifteen minutes kids, I certainly have.