Monday, July 16, 2007

Swallowing This Costs Extra

The only things missing from David Vitter's statement today were facts, answers and emotion. In his drab monotone voice, Vitter thanked "countless freinds and fellow citizens" for their prayers and support. Countless? What's the matter Dave? Can't you count to eight? He again apologized for letting us down "with these actions from (his) past." Yeah, you said that already. Why not apologize for skipping work for the last week? It was at this point the cameras pulled back to reveal a mortified Wendy Vitter, trying desperately to hold the bile behind her tightly clenched lips. (Shoulda gotten the Botox, sweetheart.) Next came denials of any sexual encounters with prostitutes in New Orleans, stating that these are falsehoods made by his political enemies and profiteers. Uh-huh. Sure Dave.

Two minutes into the poorly constructed statement Vitter remarked: "Now having said all this I'm not gonna answer endless questions about it all over again and again and again and again." No shit. He won't even answer questions about it the first time. He then rambled on for thirty seconds about the bills he's writing and the work he intends to do on Capitol Hill in the future, ending our boredom with the statement that he's heading straight to the airport on to Washington for "votes." Hmmm, about four hours total check-in time plus air time plus drive time... you really think they're voting at 10 pm EST Davey? Maybe you should have just gone to work in the first place instead of wasting an entire week coming up with this pathetic excuse for a public statement.

As he backed sheepishly away from the podium, WDSU's Travers Mackel attempted to ask "Senator, did you have a sexual relationship with anyone..." only to be cut off by Wendy Vitter's grab for the spotlight. Dressed in a low-cut leopard print dress which I swear I've seen in a Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog, the outspoken cheatee spoke out. Almost parroting Hillary Clinton, she claimed "to forgive is not always the easy choice, but it was, and is, the right choice for me." Guess Davey's penis isn't going to be Bobbitized after all. What a letdown.

Fighting back what seemed to be tears of shame, Wendy went on to complain about the press camped out on her doorstep and at their church, as if this is all the fault of the reporters. She closed her statement by asking the press to let her family "continue our summer and lives as we had planned." I suppose that means we're supposed to ignore the lies, the hypocrisy and the missed work. Good luck honey. (By the way, am I the only one to notice that Wendy got the last word?)

Both Vitter and his wife either fail to grasp the real issue here or are trying to spin it to their advantage. Both Vitter and his wife are completely inaccurate. The issue here is not that their marriage is a sham, but that Vitter is a hypocrite and obviously too incompetent to deal with this problem and effectively do his job. This so called "press conference" is proof of that fact. Instead of addressing his constituents concerns and answering questions, (which could have been done in his first press conference,) Vitter chose to waste an entire week hiding from everyone, missing votes and meetings. Add to this the fact that it took him seven days to "craft" this statement which said absolutely nothing new and you begin to see how useless Vitter truly is. If that's not enough for you, how about the fact that both Vitters could only manage two and a half minutes of speech (each) with Davey coming out ahead by about ten seconds. Talk about bait and switch.

In an earlier post, I said I wouldn't call for Vitter's resignation because this was not a really big deal to me. If his marriage is so dead and cold that he needs a hooker to get him off, I don't care, but his hypocrsiy mixed with his inability to carry out the duties of his office are inexcusable. His apology was nice, but completely forced by the fact that he got caught. Everyone is sorry when they get caught, Dave. You should have been a man and addressed this issue last week. You should have taken the time to answer any and all questions honestly instead of saying nothing and hiding behind your wife's skirt. Take my advice Dave, this isn't going to go away until you do.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Pardon Me...

Former governor Dave Treen is currently using his connections with former Louisianian John Breaux to seek an audience with current Moron-In-Chief Gerofge Bush in order to free former governor Edwin Edwards from his prison term. Pardon my english but are you fucking kidding me? The absolute last thing this state needs is for Treen to open up this can of worms. With David Vitter in the spotlight for his hypocrisy, William Jefferson and his family of scumbags already under Federal investigation and the mysterious ongoing(?) probe concerning former mayor Marc Morial and his clan still in limbo, why in the hell do we need this aggravation?

Treen bases his meddling on some pretty weak criteria. One, that Edwards is now 80 years old and shouldn't have to suffer any longer in prison. Bullshit, he's guilty, let him do his time. It's called justice. Another, that Bush pardoned 'Scooter' Libby, he should pardon Eddie. Oh, sure, this makes sense. What heat has Edwards taken for Georgie? Libby was pardoned for taking the fall for other Bush flunkies. Edwards is not even a blip on Georgie's radar.

If Bush is incredibly stupid enough to actually pardon Edwards, we can all kiss Federal help goodbye for any future disaster we may suffer. If you think the country is sick of hearing about the corrupt politicians we have in Louisiana now, wait until this shit hits the cieling fan and lands square in the middle of the nations face. I can see no reason for Treen to even care about this issue unless Edwin's been sending him big checks in their recent correspondance. How about it Dave? Is your Uncle Eddie buying his way to freedom? Pardon me Dave, but sit down and shut the fuck up and wither away quietly up there in Mandeville

New Math

The recent report on the war in Iraq lists 18 benchmarks. 8 of these were ranked as failures, 8 as successes and 2 were ranked right in between. President Bush proudly waves this report in the face of the nation and calls it a success. Are you [bleep]ing kidding me? No matter how you spin it, that's just below 44.5%. A solid failure in even the most lenient classes.

But then, I'm not Georgie. Normal rules of conduct and common sense actually apply to me. George on the other hand is used to failing and coming out smelling like a rose. Just like when his Texas MLB club was failing, he made money by sucking in investors at "the right time." Likewise, his oil operations in the eighties were miserable failures but he did ok. (I think he owned the only oil companies to fail to make a profit during the eighties oil boom.) It must be nice to be blissfully unaware of how sub-par you truly are.

The new math of the Bush Administration runs deep. Ask anyone who worked in the Texas school system while he was governor of that fine state. His No Child Left Behind program was a rousing success and Texas had a record low number of high school dropouts. This was due to the fact that dropouts were listed as "transfers to other schools or districts." In fact, in a survey of 16 high schools conducted by the state, a field of 5500 freshman had only about 2500 students reach graduation thanks to Secretary of Education Rod Paige, (Houston school superintendant from 1994-2001,) a longtime Bush crony. The real success of NCLB? Paige fired principals who reported dropouts and gave $5000 bonuses to those who reported 0 dropouts.

I know, it's an old story. And it's obvious that America doesn't really give a damn because this all broke open as Georgie was digging a new ass groove into the Oval Office leather chair. I don't know who to be more sick of; the First Liar or you mindless [bleep]s who elected him. No matter how you arrange the numbers, the Bush Administration simply doesn't add up, but it certainly divides us well.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Had Enough Yet?

David Vitter is spending our tax dollars on whores, Kathy Blanco is pushing through an 11 million dollar pay raise for every politician and state employee, Bill Jefferson and cronies, (the Judge Greens and the Gill-Pratts and other cronies,) are currently ripping the proverbial copper wiring out of every buisiness and governmental seat they occupy, Eddie Jordan has re-spun the revolving door formerly used by Judge Charles Elloie to release murderers and rapists, and Mayor C Ray Nagin is cramming his campaign coffers full of contractor cash in Kansas City, MO.

Any one of the above would be cause for alarm, but taken together it's amazing that you're sitting in what's left of your storm damaged home calmly reading this. (What's left of) the population of New Orleans and it's surrounding areas should be camped out in front of City Hall, the Governor's Mansion, and in front of every single local politicians home demanding wholesale slaughter! We should be pelting our so-called "leaders" with rotten tomatoes as they step from their luxury cars and walk smugly to their offices. We should be jamming their phone lines with complaints about their behavior. We should all be on strike, bringing this city to a standstill until our voices are heard and our problems dealt with by those who have sworn to work for us! We should be ashamed of ourselves for electing these scumbags in the first place.

The coming elections will be a great measure of just how incompetent we, the people are. Blanco has already realized the futility of running for re-election and is chomping at the bit to disappear from the public eye so that we forget about her incompetent "leadership" during Katrina and Rita. (Have you noticed that her "legacy" project, Kathleen Blanco's Louisiana Road Home Project no longer bears her name in the newscasts as it did at the beginning?) Vitter remains silent on his whoring, (and honestly I don't care what he did, it's the hypocrisy of his values and his inability to show up for work that piss me off,) but his days are pretty much numbered. Eddie Jordan will have to overcome his laissez-faire attitude to the safety of New Orlenians and his racist nature in order to retain his comfy job. (When he took office he fired about 50 people, mostly white, to which he replied that he fired black people too. He got it backwards though. He should have said he fired two black people.) The Jeffersons, et al, are moving on up to a dee-luxe apartment in Club Fed so regardless of elections, they'll be safely put away where they can intermarry and inbreed to their hearts content. And little C Ray has no chance of winning the gubernatorial race, does he? No matter how many votes he buys with his out-of state chitlin dinners and his whitey bashing charm, there are 63 parishes he needs to sway and that just ain't gonna happen, right?



Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Next Time, Let's Elect The [Bleep]ing Hooker

Andy Warhol once said that in the future, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame. Well, it looks like David Vitter is getting his and he may have underestimated the effects of his one little sin. I confess, I did too. But that was before I knew that Jeanette Maier would actually come forward and out him. (I was just guessing in the last post.) That was before Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced that he was in contact with five other prostitutes claiming to have had sexual relations with the Senator. And sadly, it was before Vitter called in sick this morning on Capitol Hill.

Now I don't care if Davy has sex with sheep as long as he's not puffing up his chest and condemning all the other sheep-[bleep]ers in the country. If you recall, Vitter was an avid cheerleader for Bill Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky scandal in 1998. He even went so far as to impugn Clinton's "moral fitness" to govern the nation, and this was less than a year before he began hooking up in DC. (At least five times between 1999 and 2001. Of course, it now appears he had been dipping his wick for some time before Clinton got caught.) Will he now resign his seat in the senate for the same reasons?

Of course not.

As I write this, I'm fairly sure that Davy's working on his next public statement. You know, how this has been a terrible ordeal for his family, (I can almost feel the botox being injected into his wifes face so we won't be able to see her grimace at him,) and how through their love and support he hopes to rise above this small mistake he's made. He'll then assure his constituents that this episode will not hinder his ability to effectively carry out his duties as a United States Senator and thank us all for our continued support of him. Then he'll share a very cold and awkward embrace with his wife and slink off before the mainstream press is allowed to ask any questions. I swear it just makes me want to cry.

But here's the catch: It has already hindered his ability to perform his job. Vitter's absence today comes at a cost of three missed committee meetings, two missed senate votes on the troops in Iraq a cancelled meeting with the man who runs our country, Vice-President Dick Cheney and his monthly radio appearance on WWL radio. So much for the Public Trust. It seems that Davy's not satisfied just [bleep]ing whores, but now he's [bleep]ing his constituents and the rest of the state as well.

Since this issue has come to light, we also see that hypocrisy runs in the family. After Bob Livingston was outed for his extra-marital affair in 1999, Vitter's wife Wendy was asked if she could forgive her husband if she were in the same situation. Her response: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. (Clinton) If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." Hmmm, perhaps that's why we've had no word from Davy. he might be undergoing re-attatchment surgery at this very moment.

At any rate, I'm not going to be one of those imbecilic reactionaries who call out for blood at the top of my lungs. If Davy wants to keep his job it's his decision. How much more damage can he do to the State of Louisiana. (Yes, I know what an incredibly stupid question that is.) However if it was me, (yeah, like I'm some aging fart that needs to pay whores for sex,) I'd step down and move to a remote island where no-one ever heard of me and quietly fade into history as just another lying scumbag in the annals of Louisiana Politics. Good luck Davy, your Warhol time is up.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Walk Of Shame

I love the cinema, but I hate the movies.

It has just come to my attention that the three stars of the Harry Potter movies have been inducted into the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. Congratulations to the boy that portrays Harry, Emma Something, and the former fat kid. I've heard from countless eight-year-olds that you were all really super in your roles and that the films really made the books come to life. With buzz like that it's no wonder that you now share the sidewalk with John Wayne, Meryl Streep, Lucille Ball, and Gene Kelly.

Wait a minute. I detect a wee bit of sarcasm in that last paragraph. Yup, there it is. I think what I really meant to say was, "What the fuck do you three dinks deserve a star for?" I mean, be serious for a moment. Yes, the books are well written and yes, the movies are well done, but exactly how does this qualify the three of you for Hollywood immortality?

It was always my impression that a star on the Walk of Fame stood for a persons untiring devotion to his or her art, be it acting, directing, scoring, etcetera. I thought the honor of a star stood for years of service to the public, providing us with the laughter and tears we wish we could find in our real lives. I guess I was wrong. Apparently, you can get a star on the Walk of Fame for doing a line of coke off David Geffen's italian marble sink while simultaneously taking a crap and not missing the bowl. Who knew.

Enjoy your fifteen minutes kids, I certainly have.

The Honesty Of Spin Control

Senator David Vitter, R-Louisiana, has come forward regarding what he calls a "very serious sin in my past." Vitter's phone number appears in the records of former DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey. Breathe in the air of freedom Dave. Sweet ain't it? That's how us honest folks feel most of the time.

From Vitter's statement:
Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there --with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way.

Oh, wait a minute... you mean you didn't just decide to do this for personal peace of mind? Oh, I see, it's in regard to the fact that Palfrey has already released the contents of her Black Book. Wow. And I thought you had found your conscience. I guess you're just stepping up to the plate because you don't want this to interfere with your political career. That's understandable, but it may have been more effective if you had come forward a few years back when this case originally surfaced.

I suppose if your wife and family can forgive you, so can your constituents, after all, it was a moment of weakness, right? It only happened once, right? You only hung out with hookers when away from your family, right? You never, ever visited Jeanette Maier on Canal Street, right?


UPDATE: Looks like i was wrong there. Oh, wait, forgot about the sarcasm. Indeed, I was correct!

In the future Dave, please try to spend your time on Capitol Hill more constructively. You know, like working for the people who elected you. We sent you to Washington to improve our state and our lives, not to improve your sex life. Your salary is our tax money, remember? If you really want to improve Louisiana's economy, there are plenty of whores down here who can use the money. I mean, besides our local politicians. And remember, if you do happen to lose your job, you can always go back to beating up schoolchildren smaller than you for their lunch money. Just like High School, right?


Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Effin-A Right Buddy!

In a stunning upset that has been a long time coming, Joey Chestnut brought Takeru Kobayashi to his knees in the 2007 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest. Kobayashi, who has dominated the event for the last six years, trounced his former World Record of 53 (and 3/4, as if fractions count in the real world,) hot-dogs downed in 12 minutes by ingesting 63 of the briny treats (and buns.) But this year, the glory would come home to America as Chestnut swallowed an amazing 66 pups. That's five and a half dogs and buns per minute. Kobayashi came close but a last minute choke, (and I literally mean, choke,) resulted in an attampt to re-ingest his own vomit to catch up which didn't work to anyone's advantage.

Now make no mistake about it, the world of "Professional Eating" is not a sport and the participants are not atheletes, no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise. However, the Nathan's contest is absolutely an undeniable part of Americana and I'm proud that the World Champion and World Record Holder, Joey Chestnut, has returned the title to our shores. It is a testament to our ability to swallow anything that is crammed down our throats and survive. (I'll bet you're expecting me to make a snide comment about the Bush Administration's pack of lies here, huh? Sorry, I'm too pumped with American Meat-Eating-Pride!) God bless the US of A and pass the freaking ketchup!

And by the way... Kudos to Pete Coors and the entire Coor's Brewery for allowing their ad agency to choose Kobayashi as the spokes-gorger for Coor's Light. Not only did they back the losing horse, they also backed a horse who can't pronounce the name of the product. Make no mistake, I'll remember this the next time I want a cold, frosty, American beer. It might have been smarter to put two commercials in the can, one with each of the top two competitors, and run the ads with the winner, but I guess all that collegiate urine flowing down the Golden River has affected the judgement centers of Pete's brain. Oh well, there's always next year!