Saturday, July 4, 2009

Holiday Hodgepodge!

Our top story… Generalisimo Francisco Jackson is still dead.
In what is destined to be the hugest waste of time since the coverage of Sarah Palin's Vice-Presidential run, the Death of Michael Jackson continues to fascinate and dazzle the media. Now with Diprivan!! And just a few years ago everyone was calling for Mike's immediate incarceration, castration and execution for being a "weirdo, a freak and a child molester." Now it's all tears and tributes. Sometimes you people sicken me.

Michael Jackson was simply what we all are. A sad, flawed human being, struggling to find happiness in a world that simply doesn't give a shit. Do I think he was a child molester? No. I think he had a severely regressed personality which would not allow him to enter adulthood the way normal people do. Do I think he was the "King of Pop?" No. That was Elvis. It is still Elvis. It will always be Elvis. So do me a favor and bury Michael and the incessant media coverage. It's sad that a person died, but I don't need updates every ten fucking minutes. Thank you.

And speaking of Sarah Palin…
She quit.


In a rambling farewell address that lasted almost as long as her Vice-Presidential run, the Republican dilletante-du-jour threw in the towel. She cited the fact that great changes can be made outside of government as one of her reasons for stepping down. That's nice, but it's usually the type of thing used to motivate the citizenry to get off their asses and participate in events, not sitting governors! Essentially, her statement reads as, "I am so ineffective that I can't do anything, even with the power of a governor."

She cited her decision not to run for re-election as one of the many motivating forces in her decision to resign. According to La Palin, lame-duck politicians are lazy bastards who do nothing but pick up a check at the end of every month. The thing is, to qualify as a "lame-duck," you need to be on your way out. Had you lost a re-election campaign, you would be a "lame-duck," not because you decided not to run. Not only that, but Palin still has a year-and-a-half left on her term!

The media is circulating rumours of impending and ongoing ethics violations as possible reasons for the surprise resignation. Fact is, Sarah Palin is the Alaskan equivalent of New Orleans Mayor C Ray Nagin. She spends almost no time in office, preferring instead to travel the Lower 48 begging for political handouts. And she brings her brood everywhere she goes, paying their way with state money. Each time she travels, someone slaps an ethics complaint against her. Each time the cases are reviewed the outcome is the same: Palin's trip is classified as "state business" but the bill for her family is not covered, so she ends up repaying the state for that portion of her spending. Then she holds a "press conference" explaining that she did nothing wrong. While it's true that she did nothing wrong, it's only because the people of Alaska have to keep after her to pay her share of the bills. She's like the dumbass college roommate who's always mooching off his buddies even though his parents are loaded.

During her vapid farewell, she also quoted General Douglass MacArthur, saying "We are not retreating, just advancing in a different direction." Strong words. Strong, and for Palin as usual, wrong. The actual quote comes from USMC Major General Oliver P Smith and stems from a British reporter asking him about the UN Forces "retreat" from the Chosin Reservoir during the Vietnam War. Smith's reply was, "There can be no retreat when there's no rear. You can't retreat, or even withdraw, when you're surrounded. The only thing you can do is break out, and in order to do that you have to attack, and that is what we're about to do. Heck, all we're doing is attacking in a different direction." Sounds like an admission that she's in way over her head to me.

She also compared herself to wounded war veterans and basketball stars as she tried to explain her actions. Speculation is that she's more concerned with her new million-dollar book deal or a possible 2012 run for, (and this is the part that really makes me giggle,) president!


Call Us When You Get Some Real Weapons!
North Korea fired off a half-dozen or so "Scud-like" missiles while we slept last night. Seriously? "Scud-like?" Weren't those the cheap bottle-rockets that the Sovs foisted off on the Middle East back in the Eighties? You know, the ones that fell apart and failed to detonate when US Forces gave them a stern look? Come on Kim Jong, we know you wanna be a World Class Gangsta Nigga, but Scuds ain't nothing but D Thang. That's D for Derision. Or Dumbass. Or Douchbag, Dope, Dipstick, Dip-tard… the list goes on. Next!

It's about damned time!
Today, the Statue of Liberty opens her crown to the public once again. The crown has been closed since 9/11 and has symbolized the empty-headed policies of the Bush Administration over the last eight years. If President Obama gets nothing else right during his term, I will still be forever grateful to him for this one act.

Gentlemen, Start Your Gastrointestines!
Just a few hours to go until the Nathan's Famous Hot-Dog Eating Contest. We here at the NoM wish good luck to all the entrants, but especially to the 2007 and 2008 Champion, American, Joey Chestnut. Give 'em Hell, Joey!

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