Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bush Announces War On Malaria

Today President George W Bush will announce his plans for the War On Malaria. Sources close to the Bush administration would not give specific details, but we here at the Nation Of Morons have managed to get our hands on some of the preliminary strategic documents.

According to these documents, the CIA and other foreign sources say that a life hating terrorist group, known as "Al Mosque-Itos" are waging an all-out jihad against the life loving peoples of the poor country of Malaria. The Bush plan calls for a "coalition of the willing" to attack these Al Mosque-Itos both on the ground and from the air with what is only described in memos as "shock and awe tactics." Copies of e-mails we acquired indicate that some cabinet members are worried about how coalition forces will be received in Malaria, but Vice-President Dick Cheney has assured them that our troops will be greeted as "liberators" and that most Malarians "might not even throw rocks at our invading forces or shoot at them very much."

According to the memos, once Malaria has been successfully stabilized, "it will only be a matter of time before the locals take advantage of the huge reward," a $50 Starbucks gift certificate, "to turn in the Al Mosque-Ito leaders," who can be identified by pictures printed on the backs of official U.S. Army playing cards. They are also recognizable by the "long needle-like barrels they all carry, which may be aluminum tubing used in making weapons of mass-destruction." During the expected two-month occupation, Malarians will be allowed to continue with their daily routine of sifting through dirt to find bugs for sustenance, while coalition forces will feast from fast food kiosks set up in the "Green Zone" at the expense of U.S. taxpayers.

One curious memo we received dealt with a planned "Mission Accomplished" photo-op to take place on board a U.S. aircraft carrier somewhere in the Pacific. The projected date of this event was pencilled in for April 14th, 2007, over a full month before todays invasion was to take place. A reply from Bush's Brain, Karl Rove, simply said not to "sweat the little details, it will all work out in the end. Besides, if we win, no one will bitch except for that Pelosi broad, and that's only because she is one."

The most troubling document was Bush's memo asking the army to send a "big ol' hurrak'n to M'lerya" since Hurricane Katrina was so effective in destroying the troublesome Al Mosque-Itos of New Orleans. Apparently this was explained to him as "too costly and not actually possible," but he'd still like to "give it a whirl." And speaking of cost, the president promises that the entire war won't go over $74.98, unless of course he decides to stop for fajitas on the way to the aircraft carrier in which case he says he may have to ask congress for an additional 250 trillion dollars.

When asked if the American People would support another war in which their tax dollars would pay for the education and health care of non-citizens, Bush remarked, "Hey, ah'm a 'Meruhc'n person an' I'm all healthy an' edumacated an' stuff. What're they worried about? Besides, all them new Latinameruhc'ns will be beatin' down the courthouse doors to pay their $5000 fines and that money oughtta cover it."

Senators and representatives on Capitol Hill are already in agreement according to the dictates of party lines. Republicans support the plan 113% and are already designing pork projects to add to the financing bill. (Except Texas Senator Ron Paul, who says he'll just pick up some bacon at a Waffle House on the way home.) Democrats are busy separating their right and left brains in order to more effectively rubber-stamp the War On Malaria while simultaneously denying that they voted for it in the first place. (Except Senator Hillary Clinton, who was unavailable for comment due to a particularly rigorous series of Botox injections.) Overall, sentiment for this war is at an all-time high. According to Senator Bill Jefferson from New Orleans, "I may have to get me a bigger freezer if this pig flies."

A surprising effect of this War On Malaria is the unexpected un-retirement of British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Insiders say Blair is expected to run for office once more in order to "help my slightly more stupider cousin bring violent peace to that poor, poor underpriveleged little nation of Malaria." Sources close to Blair indicate that he will send Prince Harry and a crack team of Her Majesty's Finest into the fray as soon as they can locate Malaria on a map, and right after tea and biscuits.

I hope I'll be able to bring you more on this and other subjects in the near future, but Bush sources close to my sources say that my wife is about to be outed as a covert operative for the CIA if I keep this shit up, and I may soon find myself unable to circulate freely among the hoi-polloi of Capitol Hill. Only time will tell.


Anonymous said...

A Tranquil Green Zone: "The Starbucks Conspiracy"

REPORTING FROM MALARIA-- In the balmy evening air, a skinny, bespectacled soldier is performing karaoke on a poolside stage under a canopy of palm trees. He is belting out "Mr. Brightside," by a group called the Killers, to a mixed crowd of civilians and other soldiers. In the background looms The Malarian Paladin Mosque, once the home of Al-Mosque-Itos top leaders;
currently the home of the U.S. Embassy.

This is the Green Zone! U.S. troops carved out a relatively safe haven in the center of downtown Malaria! Ringed by an intimidating array of concrete block fortifications, it still houses a large U.S. military presence and much of what's left of the Malarian government.

U.S. officials have tried to change the Green Zone's image, removing the four giant busts of Al-Mosque-Itos heads from atop the palace and renaming the area the "International Starbucks Zone".
--One of my Peeps, an assistant Peep of one of our more reliable Source's assistant reports from the Boardroom at Starbucks. The CEO was overheard stating:"Let Latte become the opium of the people".
--The *NEW* U.S. Embassy is under construction inside its walls...funded by, you guessed it, U.S. taxpayers!

Outside lies what most still call the Red Zone, or the rest of Malaria, which is a bustling, congested throng. Mosque-Itos used to hide amid the tumult and regularly fire into the Green Zone, but the buzzing has largely subsided in recent months.
--Behind the forbidding Malarial checkpoints these days, it is relatively tranquil.

As the fortifications have grown, so have the conveniences. Burger King and Subway are just a few of the fast-food joints that have set up home. A large 24 hour Supermarket offers snacks, drinks, and Operation Malaria Freedom paraphernalia. A souvenir vendor outside hawks T-shirts, the backs of which are emblazoned with a sign that used to hang on the back of U.S. military convoys: "Caution Stay 100 Meters Back or You Will Be Shot." The front says, "Have a nice day, somewhere else. -OR- Buzz Off!"

The Green Zone boasts fortified housing some 6,000 people. The main cafeteria behind the Malarial palace serves 6,100 meals a day, more than half of which are consumed by U.S. and coalition soldiers. The Green Zone has its own fire department, including bright-red fire engines. And the laundry facility processes about 500 bags a day.

Many of the Americans work long, punishing hours, but the area increasingly resembles a small American suburb, or perhaps a college campus. Inside the embassy, in one of Al-Mosque-Itos grand ballrooms, a Starbucks clone dispenses Super Mocha Latte Skinnies and Chai, surrounded by several tables and plush couches. Last week, patrons could sign up for yoga or karate classes, or watch the film Wedding Crashers.

Back by the swimming pool, there is one glaring reminder of the country that lies just outside the Green Zone. A handwritten sign reads: "No drinking while armed."

Ms. Laurel M. Phelps / MALARIA
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"I'M in a supersized slice of America complete with fast food joints, CD shops and Humvees in the middle of Malaria--Green Zone"

M Styborski said...

Special thanks to our Malarian correspondent, L Phelps! Stay safe and enjoy the triple-caff mocha latte!