Thursday, June 7, 2007

Paris & the Two Jeffersons

Three things I really need to get out of my head. Each should really have its own in-depth entry, but I tell ya, I'm just not in the freaking mood. Sometimes it gets to be a real drag when you're the only one that notices the emporers cock is hanging out. Oh well, I started it and I'll be damned if I won't keep it up.

Whew! What a relief! I thought for sure Paris Hilton would get shivved in the yard by the Aryans or something, but it looks like she's safely out of harms way. After serving just three days in stir, Hilton was released to the hard scrabble environs of her Hollywood Hills masion to serve out the remainder of her sentence. No comment was made by "authorites" other than to say the release was "due to an unspecified medical condition."

Yeah. She's a pain in the ass.

I'd ship her out too if I had her on my cell block. Can you imagine it? "It's cold in here! When's high tea? Can I get a TV? Why do you keep all the cells locked? Did anyone leave me any messages? Is my time up yet? What was on Oprah today?" This is simply good sense on the part of the "authorities" and the whole "Celebrity vs Joe Ordinary" debate it has spawned will eventually fade into history as will the skeletal human sperm receptacle known as Paris Hilton. (Though not soon enough for my taste.)

By the way, the current skinny on the "medical condition?" It's a tie between a full body rash and a nervous breakdown. Poor baby.

Jefferson One:
One "man" who's praying for the Hiltonian form of justice has got to be Congressman William Jefferson (D-New Orleans.) In hiding since his indictment a few days ago, Jefferson is in hotter water than the crawfish I 'berled' last weekend. Under 16 counts ranging from bribery and racketeering to wire fraud and obstruction of justice, Jefferson is facing over 200 years in prison if found guilty. Not only that, but he may actually be considered a flight risk as the Feds have frozen $500,000 in assets and 33 million shares of stock.

Now I'm one of those people who still believes in the concept of 'innocent until proven guilty,' but in Jeffersons case it's simply a matter of 'innocent until they get around to sentencing.' He had $90,000 in marked bills from a federal sting operation, (which Jefferson admits, was "a sting operation," as if stating that fact proves his innocence,) stuffed in his freezer, wrapped in foil, hidden in frozen food boxes. Two of his aides have already made guilty pleas connected to the case. Documents have been uncovered instructing that money from the Nigerian deal for which Jefferson is indicted be siphoned into accounts of five Jefferson family members, listed only as family members 1-5. Wow. That's brains there! Don't call them by name, but do mention that they're family!

Add to this the fact that Jefferson commanded the National Guard to drive him to his New Orleans home to recover personal property at the height of Hurricane Katrina's aftermath while residents were still dying at the Convention Center, (and ordered an airlift for himself once the National Guard truck became hopelessly stuck in the mud in front of his home,) and the fact that his brother-in-law was recently convicted in an unrelated bail-bonds scam in neighboring, ironically named, Jefferson Parish and you get a clear picture of the "man" known locally as "Dollar Bill" Jefferson.

While steadfastly denying any wrong doing, (Jefferson claims he never did anything detrimental to his constituents, a nice, selectively worded phrase,) he plans on running for office again as soon as this mess is cleared up. If he had any idea the damage he's done to the City of New Orleans he'd shut up, plea bargain for whatever he can get, and fade quietly into the woodwork, As it stands, he plans on fighting to convince a jury, a judge and the nation of his innocence and in doing so, runs the risk of dragging down his entire family along with the city he claims to love so much.

Jefferson Two:
The Jefferson Parish Council, (for you folks elsewhere, we have parishes instead of counties,) ramrodded a law which would allow the revocation of liquor licenses of bars which had an "incident of violence" 300 yards from the door of the establishment. Well if that's not some useless freaking legislation, I don't know what is. Council members were quick to add that there will be a review process to determine if a bar had any bearing on the violent acts in question, but this does nothing to quell the actions of violent morons across the parish.

All this does is create a long, drawn out process in which fines are collected, lawyers are paid, and buisiness owners are inconvenienced. It does absolutely nothing to deter crime! Why not raid the problem bars? If a bar continually has violent acts occurring in front of it, send in the stormtroopers! Here's a novel approach: patrol questionable areas with police officers! The Jefferson Parish council has made a move which looks like they're addressing crime issues, but in fact, they are simply passing the buck. It seems to me that if a violent act is comitted in Jefferson Parish, the council should lose their jobs, seeing as how they failed to keep the area crime free. That may sound stupid, but it's basically the same as blaming the bar owners.

This action comes on the heels of yet another shooting at Kenny's Key West, a bar which has been around longer than most incurable diseases. Kenny Vincent is legendary for spotting trends in the nightclub buisiness and eventually tailoring his venue to suit the fad. From disco to new wave to rock, Kenny's has always changed with the times and its recent incarnation as a hip-hop gangsta thugz paradise has apparently bitten the owner in the ass. Twice. This is the second shooting in just under a year at the club and will apparently be the last as Vincent has surrendered his liquor license under pressure from local authorities. And why not? He's made his millions. Why does he need the hassle? It's probably cheaper than finding the next trend and retooling.

However, this means that the gangsta thugz will have nowhere to 'partay' for awhile. That is, until they begin infiltrating other area bars and bringing their 'high-caliber' lifestyles to those establishments. Hmmm. But then that means more bars will begin losing licenses and be forced to shut down, and perhaps that's what this moronic law is all about: closing down the nightclubs. It's been tried many times before, but this time the council may have found a way to do it. It's enough to make one wonder how many council members have relatives and friends with designs on existing bars or the real estate they sit upon.

Perhaps Paris Hilton will tire of Hollywood and move here. She can buy Kenny's and hire Billl Jefferson to run it for her. It could become a nice little bar where local politicians meet to discuss how to avoid responsibility and compare secret bank accounts. Maybe they can spread some Boudreaux's Butt Paste on Paris to help with that rash. Stranger thing have happened.

1 comment:

M Styborski said...

Bit of a late update, but poor pitiful Paris is back in stir, albeit still separated from the population in the medical wing. No reports of fisting yet, but I'll let you know what I can when I can.