Tuesday, February 19, 2008

...Now We're Just Dickering About The Price

How much for you soul? What would it cost to buy your life's work? How much money would it take to make you a whore? For our beloved adopted Massachusettan, Emeril Lagasse, that number is 50-million dollars. Earlier today, details were finalized to sell Lagasse's non-brick & mortar empire to convicted criminal Martha Stewart. Stewart's Omnimedia conglomerate will acquire the rights to all television and print aspects of the Lagasse empire and Emeril will get 45-million in cash and 5-million in Omnimedia stock, though if certain benchmarks are reached the total could reach 70-million dollars. Lagasse retains his 11 restaurants and corporate office. The deal is expected to close in the coming months.

Our moles within Omnimedia tell us that Martha Stewart herself is currently ensconced in a huge kitchen surrounded by lab technicians and that they are currently working around the clock in an attempt to "de-spice" all of Emeril's recipes in order to make them as tasteless as possible to better fit Stewart's style. Omnimedia's marketing division has also retooled Lagasse's trademark "Bam!" to better fit within Stewart's world. Chefs will now be required to pantomime adding spices while screaming "Bland!"

Lagasse could not be reached for comment, but witnesses say they saw him "laughing" on the way to Hibernia.

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