Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Jackass Alert

The First Ape is now in town. Air Force One touched down moments ago and birthed its' unholy cargo on the tarmac at Armstrong International Airport, where he was met by Governor Bobby Jindal. Also in attendance; shining examples of public service William Jefferson and Ray Nagin. After the emotionless handshakes, Curious George was met by Saints Drew Brees and Deuce McCallister and given Saints gear which he casually tossed off to an aide. Bush took specific interest in Drew Brees' birthmark which he pointed at, eyes popping, like an utterly clueless and rude twat. He then spent thirty seconds giving a supposedly prestigious award to Dr John Bull before hopping into Marine One and helicoptering off to Jackson Barracks to fill our ears with bullshit.

So if Dr John Bull is so deserving of high praise, (and from what I hear, he is,) why the casual treatment? Curious George left him standing alone like a nobody after he gave him his medal. For someone in desperate need of good press in New Orleans, Georgie Boy certainly found a way to fuck this up completely.

Congratulations go out to ABC affiliate WGNO for being the only station to cover the speech live. I missed the beginning though, as I was making a George Bush sandwich. That's fried bologna smeared with mayonnaise and no bread. Some key points of what I heard in the speech:

Curious George mentioned that tourism is finally back in New Orleans. Yes, it is, but it never left. Possibly the immediate months after the storm there was a lull, but by Mardi Gras, our tourism business was going strong. You can't take credit for something you had no part in. Next.

Georgie also pointed out that health care is back in New Orleans. Umm, no, sorry, it's not. While there are facilities open in town, area hospitals are still severely understaffed, underfunded and overworked. Charity still sits abandoned, like a giant middle finger pointed straight at the bush administration and local politicians who keep dragging their heels. Next.

Georgie applauded the fact that there is "hopeful progress reducing crime in New Orleans." Get a fucking clue. Crime is as bad as it ever was. The only difference is that now the police can watch it happen on TV instead of endangering themselves out on the street. Bush says that he's been told, "over the last six months there have been notable improvements." By who? Nagin? Riley? If so, I challenge Curious George to spend the weekend in the Upper Ninth without his personal escort. Didn't think so.

The faux president touched on how the school system has improved, specifically test scores. Gee, I guess so, since many of the underachieving kids who had low test scores have stopped attending school altogether. That's just common sense.

He spent a few minutes kissing Leah Chase's ass. I guess he wants another freebie meal on our dime. No offense intended to Leah, but we've heard it before. I notice that he didn't mention the brutal slaying of Betsy McDaniel of Betsy's Pancake House. but then, he never ate there, so i guess it was beneath his radar.

He whooped up some hometown cheers when he mentioned that the New Orleans Saints were about to begin a new season in a newly refurbished Superdome. Yay! Except that the refurbishing is now over two years old. Does he ever read a fucking newspaper? not even a sports page?

He praised the fact that many New Orleans religious institutions are reopening. Really? Seems to me that the Archdiocese just closed thirty of them. He must have been thinking of strip clubs.

He closed by telling us all how he's been "honored to work with us" during the recovery and how this being the third anniversary of Katrina, he thought he should swing down here and "tell us what's happened and where we're headed." Well, in the first place, where has he been working with us? Was he in the Lower Ninth rebuilding homes? Did he help to strengthen the levees? Was that George Bush I saw feeding the homeless under the bridge? Or did he mean it was nice funneling a supposed 128 billion dollars to our state to be divided between our politicians and their pet projects like NOAH, Care Unlimited, Central City Adult Education and Orleans Metropolitan Housing?

As for him telling us what happened and where we're headed, we know, all too well. We were here. We're still here. Not in Arizona eating cake. Not in Crawford riding horses. This is reportedly the First Ape's last stop in New Orleans and to that I say, good riddance. Don't let the screen door smack you in the ass on the way out.

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