Bush Presidency Not A Failure!

According to his two top female advisors, Condoleeza Rice and wife Laura.

Safely ensconced in her 'Stepford,' TX ranch, Laura Bush told FOX 'News' "Do I think the press is fair? No, absolutely not." Regarding those who criticize her husbands' regime as a failure, she said, "Well, I know it's not. And so I don't really feel like I need to respond to people that view it that way." And of course, that's the real problem. The typical Bush response to any fact which does not fit neatly into his world is to ignore it until it goes away, then when it fails to go away, to spin it in some way that makes Incurious George look good. I guess all those years of alcoholism left some residual deniability in George and Laura. Good for them!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice also had a few words about her soon-to-be-former massah: "Generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will."

You know, in the spirit of the New Year I think I'll get the ball rolling here.

Thank you, George W Bush, for concocting false evidence in order to invade a middle eastern country which, while certainly led by a miserable tyrant, had absolutely nothing to do with Al-Quaida, 9/11, WMD's or any other thing you accused them of. They did try to assassinate your Daddy though, so I guess your Texas-sized ego and white-trash mentality makes this a perfectly acceptable Quid Pro Quo. How very Jerry Springer of you!

Thank you, George W Bush, for creating the No Child Left Behind program. Through creative bookkeeping you have managed to hide the fact that illiteracy and dropout rates are higher than ever in this country. By listing dropouts as "transfers" and allowing "certain" children to slide during major testing you have made our Nation's schools look ideally wonderful! Congrdulashens! Wee ar all aweighting the nexx vershen of Webster's Dikshenarry with grate auntissipashen!!

Thank you, George W Bush, for slashing restrictions on corporate pollution. The money saved and stuffed into executive Golden Parachute plans more than makes up for the centuries of tainted land and water our children will have to deal with. But hey, by that time you'll be dead! To use your new favorite phrase… "So what?"

Thank you, George W Bush, for allowing illegal immigrants to pour through our borders like water through an ACE levee. We now have more than enough waiters, maids, gardeners, garbage men and chicken plant workers to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them speak English or pay taxes, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

Thank you, George W Bush, for giving Wall Street the green light to play hard and fast with our money, creating loopholes, tax-dodges and Ponzi schemes which raped the Nation's wallets and further widened the divide between the Haves and Havenots. It's certainly a shame that you couldn't figure out how to get our Social Security money into the stock market though! Maybe next time!

Thank you, George W Bush, for the fiscal bailout programs. We, the people, are so stupid that we could never have found a solution like yours. To fight the spectre of insurmountable debt, your idea is to create more debt! Brilliant!! Hey, I'm going to go bankrupt soon, can I have a couple grand too?

Thank you, George W Bush, for making our National Parks safe to visit once again. Since you eviscerated gun laws people will think twice before drawing down on the average citizen at Yellowstone now, won't they?

Thank you, George W Bush, for your prompt action during Hurricane Katrina. Without your hard work and determination, thousands of people would have been stranded on rooftops and left homeless for years, scattered across the country far from friends and family.

Thank you, George W Bush, for re-popularizing the concept of the oubliette. Your system of secret jails is the perfect place to hide all those crazy school teachers, accountants and gas station owners you picked up after 9/11. And holding them under suspicion without charging them? Brilliant! No need to allow them counsel if they haven't been charged! No wonder there have been no terror attacks "on U.S. soil" during your reign.

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Mission Accomplished" speech. Without that speech, we all would have thought that the War on Iraq was still underway. No, really, thank God that's over! But George, why are our husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and children still dying over there? Any ideas?

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Midnight Regulations" you are feverishly passing in your last days. At your current rate, you should be able to pass more MR's than any other president in the history of this country, including Bill Clinton and your Daddy! With a little elbow grease, you could possibly destroy this country more in your final thirty days than in the previous eight years of your reign. Good luck to you! I'm certain that Big Coal will reward you with many lovely gifts as payback if they haven't already done so.

Gosh George, there's ever so much for us to be thankful for and it's all because of you! You, and you alone, have done what no other tyrant, enemy or foreign power has ever been able to do. You have brought the United States of America to it's knees. And isn't that the best way to fuck someone up the ass?

John Foxx

Carolina Panthers head coach, John Foxx is an asshole. Why? Late in the fourth quarter of the Saints/Panthers game, Foxx chose to instruct his punter to kick a crap shot out of bounds at midfield, thereby ensuring that Saints quarterback Drew Brees would not be able to break Dan Marino's single season passing yard record. Brees came up sixteen yards short. No word yet on whether any money passed between Marino and Foxx. Enjoy your playoffs John and sleep well knowing that the world now knows what a truly contemptible prick you really are.

Iconic Britain Has Finished It's Contest!

You may remember the Iconic Britain kafuffle from a few months ago. Well, they finally got around to compiling the top 100 British Icons!! Actually, it's really the top 96 Icons since the Beatles, Lady Diana and Breakfast get listed twice, but hey, what's a little redundancy when you're compiling a list of the best aspects of a culture? Curiously, jug ears and bad teeth and the Beckhams did not make the list.

Visit http://www.iconicbritain.co.uk/ to see the top 100 icons. It a laugh riot! Ten categories and ten pictures each. #10 in Art & Culture: British Summers? Buildings & Architecture contains Beefeaters and Red Phone Boxes, neither buildings nor architecture.

My favorite is the category of Great British Holidays. No mention of Guy Fawkes or boxing day, but mostly places where Brits go when they get a holiday. #6 is 'sandcastles at the beach' but the photo is a flower?? Not only that, but above the photo are the words 'INCORRECT IMAGE.' I mean… they paid someone to type in those words, but were too damn lazy to find a picture of a freaking sandcastle? the acronym LMAO comes to mind but I disdain netspeak.

Brits apparently love their morning meals though as 'English Breakfast' ranked 39th overall and 5th in the 'Institutions & Rituals' category but 'Full English Breakfast' ranked 17th overall and 1st in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

The 'News & Current Affairs' category was very interesting. Christmas was listed twice and other 'current affairs' included D-Day, VE Day, Jubilee celebrations from 1977 and 2002, Band Aid and a Princess Di interview from last century. Talk about living in the past!

The 'People' category was a surprise as it actually contained people! Francis Drake was 7th oa and first in the category beating out Elizabeth II (37th oa/2nd cat) and the Queen Mum (66th oa/9th cat.) The Beatles came in 45th overall and 4th in the category which is puzzling since they ranked 69th overall and 7th in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

Princess Di, whose "famous interview" I mentioned earlier, failed to make the people category, but ranked 2nd in 'Style and Fashion' (behind the original Mini) and 86th overall.

'Views & Vistas' (an thinly veiled Microsoft reference?) was filled with famous places like Stonehenge, London, and the White Cliffs of Dover, but curiously included a field of bluebells (76th overall/6th category.) I can see travelers the world over clamoring for plane tickets right now: "C'mon Marge, we gotta go the that field of bluebells!!"

The final category, 'Wildlife' contained some of the most Britishest of Icons I've ever seen: squirrels, butterflies, robins, lambs, ducklings, daffodils, poppies… my goodness, if only the rest of the world had such wonderful flora and fauna!!

Overall, I'd have to say the copyright infringement problems were a small price to pay for this exquisite collection British Icons! Kudos to Iconic Britain, Microsoft and Thin Martian Design for a job… well, done!

LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Classless in Tennessee

Not content with simply outplaying the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans LenDale White and Keith Bulluck ground a Terrible Towel into the turf with their cleats after Steeler's QB Ben Roethlisberger was intercepted a second time, this for a touchdown. It's a gesture Steeler fans see from many opponents who, lacking the intelligence to celebrate a win graciously, resort to cheap, cowardly theatrics to make a point.

But here's something the little Titans should have thought of. Buy a real Terrible Towel! It's my understanding that NFL players make decent money, but apparently Bulluck and White are strapped for cash as they were desecrating a bootleg knock-off not endorsed by the Steeler organization or the NFL as evidenced by the lack of logos. Hell, it didn't even have the real Terrible Towel logo on it. Are they miserly or just stupid?

My money's on the latter. If they had the least bit of intelligence, they'd remember the last time a player did this, another classless has-been, TJ Houshmandzadeh. TJ desecrated a Terrible Towel in a regular season meeting between the Bengals and Steelers a few years ago and in the post-season rematch, the Steelers broke the Bengals spirit, Quarterback and Superbowl hopes and went on to win the Superbowl in Detroit.

So enjoy your fifteen minutes of infamy Lenny and Keith. I hope you own comfortable couches, you'll be spending five hours on them come February first!

Oh, Those Clever Engineers!

Recently uncovered evidence shows that US Army Corps of Engineer employees are just as stupid as we thought. Evidently some of the very people we entrust our safety to have either a wicked sense of humour, or are incredible assholes, using government equipment to harass and berate the group Levees.org on their blog. One comment went so far as to call us stupid for living here in the first place! From WWL:



While I can see the Corps point, that it's "one" individual, (and we all know it's more than one,) it's still just a small percentage of their workforce. However, when you have one child molester working at your daycare center you don't simply dismiss it. If the individuals responsible for this harassment are off the clock it's simply misuse of government equipment, but if they are on the clock, they are stealing time as well, and guess who pays their salaries?

In my opinion, the Corps casual dismissal of these incidents is yet another slap in the face to the citizens of New Orleans. I urge you to contact the Corps and demand an investigation into these incidents.

Happy Holidays!

Dateline New Jersey:

A temp worker for Wal•Mart was crushed to death this morning as he opened his store for Black Friday shoppers. According to a co-worker, when the doors were unlocked, the rush of people actually tore the door off it's hinges and it fell on top of the temp worker. In the mad dash for bargains, greedy shoppers simply trampled over the door, killing the worker in the process.

Of course, there may be no way to tell which individuals are responsible. One can only hope that the store video surveillance has clear shots of the morons at the front of the line and police will be able to track them down and bring appropriate murder charges against them.

A statement released by Wal*Mart today mentioned that they take the security and safety of their customers very seriously. That's wonderful, but I notice it mentions nothing about the safety and security of their employees. You learn something new every day, eh?

To the bargain hunters responsible for this senseless murder, I certainly hope the holiday savings were worth the price of a human life.

Happy Holidays.

Blurb Recognizes Genius!

Sorry folks, that's about as humble as I can get at the moment. Just two days after releasing the lower ninth ward: K+36 on Blurb, they contacted me for their Take 5 Tuesday interview on the Blurberati Blog! I'm positively dizzy!

the lower ninth: K+36

Three years in the making, my first book is now available at Blurb

On August 29, 2005 Hurricane Katrina made landfall near the Louisiana/Mississippi border, forever changing the lives of thousands of people. One of the most devastated areas was New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward, submerged beneath millions of gallons of water, in some places by as much as ten feet.

This collection of photographs by M Styborski documents three years of loss and recovery, destruction and rebuilding, and despair and hope in one of New Orleans’ oldest neighborhoods.

The video above highlights a small sample of the 135 photographs contained in the book. The music is the appropriately titled 'House Of Cards' by Final Academy, a band from New Orleans many years ago.

READY, SET, VOTE!

I can't believe you lazy, lazy people! The polls are open and you're sitting there reading this blog! Well, perhaps it's for the best as there are a few constitutional amendments for the State of Louisiana that you might need to know about before pulling those levers. So let's go!

CA1 (Act 935-SB232) Term limits for members of state boards and commissions
A vote FOR imposes turn limits.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow elected or appointed members of certain state boards and commissions to hold an unlimited number of terms.

The Nation recommends FOR

You know, most of these are college boards and who really gives a damn, but one of the offices is that of the state Public Service Commissioner. If any office needed term limits, I'd think this would be the one.

CA2 (Act 937-SB296), Sets a time limit for calling special sessions
A vote FOR requires that legislators issue a call for a special session at least seven days prior to the start of the session.
A vote AGAINST continues the requirement that legislators issue a call for a special session at least five days prior to the start of the session.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

While this amendment would clarify certain aspects of calling special sessions, it still leaves the issue of signature versus public notification very vague. For instance, language in the Constitution specifically says that the governor or presiding officers “shall issue” the call “five days prior to convening.” But if the proclamation is signed one day and publicized the next a governor could circumvent the advance notice requirement by keeping a signed proclamation secret until publication becomes convenient. Not really a major issue, but why fix a vague law with a slightly less vague law. Vote no and make them get it right next time.

CA3 (Act 931-HB183), Temporary successors for legislators ordered to active military duty
A vote FOR allows the Legislature to appoint a temporary successor for any legislator called away for active military duty if the duty prevents him/her from performing the requirements of the office.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow districts to be without representation if the legislator away called for active service refuses to resign.

The Nation recommends FOR

OK, this is a strange one because it affects only one person. It's authored by District 94's Nick Lorusso who is actually going to be called to active duty near the end of 2008. This amendment will basically ensure representation for D94 while Lorusso serves his country and it also ensures that when his service is up he can return to his seat in the House. I see no harm here and it's actually a good plan to have in place if this situation ever comes up in the future.

CA4 (Act 932-HB420), Louisiana severance taxes to parishes
A vote FOR dedicates additional state severance taxes to the parishes of origin. Use of taxes is restricted. Also dedicates a portion of severance taxes collected on state property to Atchafalaya Basin Conservation Fund.
A vote AGAINST would maintain the maximum amount of $850,000 in severance tax revenues that the state pays to parishes.

The Nation recommends FOR

Severance taxes are monies paid to Parishes to replace natural resources taken (severed) from the Parish. They are intended to pay for things like road and bridge upkeep from wear and tear of the vehicles used to remove the resources. Currently the State is required to return 20% of all severance taxes to the Parish of origin on all removed resources other than sulfur, ignite and timber, but there is a cap set at $850,000 adjusted annually for inflation. The 2009 cap is currently at $875,000. This bill would increase the cap to $1.85 million for 2009 and $2.85 million for 2010 then adjust for inflation each successive year. If the full 20% were paid out last year, Parishes would have recieved $178 million, but due to the caps the payout was only $32 million. That's a lot of money that could be put to good use in some of those Parishes. If passed, this will allocate an estimated additional $26 million to 30 Parishes in 2009 and $46 million in 2010. The remaining Parishes do not generate enough severance taxes to reach even the current cap.

CA5 (Act 933-HB461), transfer of special property tax assessment level
A vote FOR allows homeowners to transfer speical property tax assessment levels to new homes if the local, state or federal government sells or expropriates their property.
A vote AGAINST prohibits homeowners from transferring special property tax assessments to new properties.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

This amendment is intended to give tax breaks mainly to elderly and disabled property owners by transferring low assessments of property taken for government use and transferring it to replacement property which may be in higher tax brackets. Well meant, but then we are left with incredibly inaccurate property tax rolls. Proponents of this amendment say it will affect a minimum of citizens but if this is true, wouldn't a special tax freeze for those individuals be a better solution instead of skewing the rolls?

CA6 (Act 936-SB295), Removes certain restrictions on blighted property
A vote FOR would mean that public authorities would not have to first offer expropriated property back its prior owner before selling the property a third party if the property was taken or removed to eliminate public health or safety threats and was held for less than 30 years. It also eliminates a requirement that the property must be sold by public bid.
A vote AGAINST would maintain re-sale requirements for property taken to remove a threat to public health and safety.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

Now this one scares me. I'm all for the first part which eliminates the requirement to offer the property first to the original scumbags who let it fall into such bad repair that the State had to take it away from them, but the second part, elimination of public bids, scares the living crap out of me. This is a bad, bad idea folks. Without the public bid process, politicians and sharp developers can carve out whole neighborhoods for any purpose they please. And you'll never know about it until it's too late. Can you say gentrification? Can you say corruption?

CA7 (Act 934-HB584), Contributions to post-employment benefit funds
A vote FOR allows public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits to be invested in stocks.
A vote AGAINST would prohibit public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits from being investged in stocks.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

I think this is the absolute worst time to propose this. The last thing we need is for our money to go into a state employee benefit fund that relies on the stock market. You may as well just take the whole fund down to Harrah's and bet it on black.

If you're still here and you want some help with the other choices in front of you today, (and you live in my district,) here you go…

President: Screw the big two, Ron Paul is on the Louisiana ballot for the Louisiana Taxpayers Party. Show the Dem-Reps that you're sick of being porked by the two-party system and vote for Ron! His Veep is Barry Goldwater, Junior!

Senate: Landrieu? Kennedy? No. Not to speak ill of either candidate, but Landrieu is sort of a mouth-breathing dullard and Kennedy is a borderline nutjob, (IMHO,) so let's get Libby with it and pull the handle for Libertarian Richard Fontanesi.

First Congressional District Rep: Jim Harlan, Democrat. No real reason other than Steve Scalise is wasting your tax money on junkets to Alaska to hook-up with Sarah Palin and calling it an "energy summit." Bullcrap. He just wants to attach himself to a nice fat Republican teat. Considering the current climate, a vote for Scalise might just be a huge step backward.

Associate Justice, First Supreme Court District: Jimmy Kuhn, Republican. Let's face it, aside from the Landrieu/Kennedy catfight, this is possibly the ugliest race the state has seen in a long time. Unfortunately there are only two choices here and between Greg Guidry and Jim Kuhn, Kuhn looks to be the better judge.

Public Service Commissioner: Heavy Sigh… John Schwegmann, No Party. I'm sorry, I'm not happy about this, but Eric Skrmetta is too closely associated with outgoing PSC Jay Blossman, Jr. It's widely suspected that Blossman has been in the pockets of his charges and his support of Skrmetta just scares me away. Schwegmann has had the job before, and he knows the territory and that's about all I can say about that.

Lastly, there's the Jefferson Parish 1% sales tax switcheroo. It's been on the books since 1984 and they're trying to say this money will be used for construction and maintenance on sewage, road and drainage projects. Yeah, sure it will. 24 years and it hasn't helped yet. I'm against it oput of sheer spite, but it will probably pass anyway.

So there you have it kids, get out there and make your voice heard! You don't have to agree with me, but if you don't vote, you can't bitch. And bitching is really what elections are all about, isn't it?

Kirby Gee

Kirby Gee passed away yesterday from apparent heart failure, which is a fucking joke since Kirby had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known. I cannot tell you how miserable I am, as are all those who knew him. We didn't hang out like we used to, but it was always a comfort to know that he was just across town.

If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Kirby's the guy in the center of the last panel. For more info on this shot, read the comments.

For more Kirby memories, visit HumidCity and Ms Mae's.

UPDATE: There will be a second line at 1:30pm Sunday, Nov. 9th from Kirby's house at 520 Lyons to The Club Miss Mae's where a memorial service will be held. All are welcome to attend.

The Sterile Mind Of John LaBruzzo

Louisiana State Representative John LaBruzzo is back and he's still fighting for welfare correction! You may remember his plan to sterilize "low income" women to "end generational welfare abuse." If not, here's a refresher course: Johnny would have the State pay $1000 to women on welfare if they volunteer to have their tubes tied. He also plans to give tax breaks to the right kind of people, (wealthy, educated people,) if they promise to breed more. What's different now is that LaBruzzo claims to have "overwhelming support" for his plan and he's currently shaping it into legislation for the 2009 session. According to Johnny, he's received "hundreds of e-mails" in support for his plan.

Hundreds! Wow. What does that mean? 200? 500? 666? Let's be nice and say 500, but of course not all of those are going to be from residents of District 81. There are bound to be well-wishers and supporters from nearby areas and across the state, so let's put the number at a generous (I think) 300.

District 81 is an oddly shaped district, (aren't they all?) encompassing Fat City, Old Metairie and Bucktown. According to the most recently updated figures on the LA House website (from the 2000 Census) there are 44,560 residents in the district, 40,465 of which are white. There are 1431 blacks, 1450 Asians, 2822 Hispanics and 1214 others. Wait, Add those up and you get 51,477. So much for the reliability of the Census, eh? Whatever the real numbers are, it's clear that this is a heavily gerrymandered district with respect to race.

Now let's look at the registered voters. The state numbers actually add up correctly to 30,306 registered voters; 27,872 whites, 641 Blacks and 1793 others. There are 10,801 Democrats, 13,746 Republicans and 5759 others. (Congratulations to the state and a gold star for math!)

Now let's put this information to use. 30,306 registered voters versus 300 e-mails. Why that's an amazing 0.98990299 percent! Wow! It's a virtual freaking landslide! Almost a whole percentage point! How impressive! Of course, virtually all of Johnny's co-workers in Baton Rouge think the plan is abhorrent, as does the local Catholic community, but that's just a testament to Johnny's can-do spirit and his will to make the world a little whiter! Sorry, that's a typo, that should read "a little brighter." I wouldn't want anyone to think the Honorable Mr LaBruzzo was a racist.

For those of you who are interested, you can let John LaBruzzo know your thoughts on this matter:

DISTRICT 81 OFFICE
3331 Severn Ave., Ste. 204
Metairie, LA 70002

LEGISLATIVE AIDE
Martha Post

(504)833-7788
(504)212-7644 (Fax)

E-MAIL
larep081@legis.state.la.us

Rudy Is Dead, Long Live Dolemite!

Rudy Ray Moore died Sunday evening from complications due to diabetes. Moore was best known for his profane comedy and his character 'Dolemite,' but never managed to break into the mainstream as did Redd Foxx. In later years Moore collaborated with Big Daddy Kane, Snoop Dogg and 2 Live Crew. Hurricane Annie could not be reached for comment. Rest in peace, Rudy.

Cheney Fibrillating!

This just in: US VP Ricardo 'Dick' Cheney has canceled all plans today due to an atrial fibrillation in his heart. This is not, we repeat NOT, a heart attack. It is the technical term for an erratic heartbeat. Sources are divided on the cause. Cheney spokesmen infer that it is Invisible Dick's small attempt at showing solidarity with the erratic campaign strategy of John McCain. Democrats however have released a statement that the fibrillation began when Cheney was informed that Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in fact an African-American and not a Muslim terrorist. The prayers of the Nation of Morons are with the Cheney family today, just as they were way back when he shot that guy in the face.

Tony Clifton Lives!

Andy Kaufman is still dead.

Read my interview with International Singing Sensation Tony Clifton at Humid City!

Moose And Jughead To Be Friends

Mister Weatherbee announced today that Moose has been removed from Jugheads' Bully List. Moose has promised not to beat up on the Archies anymore just like he has hundreds of times before, but with Moose's hair trigger and petulant attitude, it's sure to be simply a matter of time before tempers flare once more leading to an hilarious denouement. The deal was brokered by the Riverdale Student Council. Miss Grundy could not be reached for comment.

Jughead apparently wishes to graduate from Riverdale High with one positive notch in his belt and is currently grasping for anything that might make him look good. It certainly won't be easy considering his track record: the New Shoes Incident, the Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme, the Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident and the subsequently mishandled Operation Sparkle, not to mention the rivalry and feud with Central High.

•EDITOR'S NOTE•

We apologize for the confusion, but our newsroom fax line was apparently crossed with the sunday funnies WATS line. For the above story, please replace "Mister Weatherbee" with "The Bush Administration," "Moose" with "Korea," "Jughead's Bully List" with "George Bush's Terror List," and "beat up on the Archies" with "sponsor terrorists".

Also, please replace "Riverdale Student Council" with "State Department," and "Miss Grundy" with "Condoleeza Rice." Further, please replace "graduate from Riverdale High" with "leave the Oval Office," "New Shoes Incident" with "telling people to go shopping after the 9/11 Attack" "Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme" with "Wall Street Bailout," "Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident" with "Hurricane Katrina," "Operation Sparkle" with "Katrina Recovery Plan," and "rivalry and feud with Central High" with "invasion and subjugation of Iraq."

We at the Nation of Morons apologize for any inconvenience.

Palin Guilty, McCain Booed For Honesty

Just one day after the McCain Campaign absolved and exonerated Sarah Palin from any wrongdoing in the recent Troopergate scandal, (a clear effort to confuse the public by usurping the moment,) the actual Alaskan legislative committee charged with the task of discovering the truth has found that Sarah Palin did, in fact, "unlawfully abuse her authority" (as Governor of Alaska) "in firing the state public safety commissioner."

Palin was found to have overstepped her authority in firing Alaska PSC Walt Monegan for "insubordination." Palin, her husband and her staff made repeated harassing calls to Monegan in an effort to dismiss an Alaska State Trooper, Mike Wooten, that was formerly married to Palins' sister and was in the middle of a vicious 2-year custody battle.

Palin initially welcomed the investigation, stating that she had nothing to hide and would co-operate fully with the 14 member bi-partisan committee. Then the Republican Party bestowed the second-banana-to-be crown on her head and she quickly changed her tune, refusing to answer any questions on the matter and refusing to testify in official proceedings. Palin is now spinning the facts and crying foul because the committee never got to hear her side of the story. I guess not, sweetie. For those of you who think that this is a democratic witch-hunt fueled by the liberal media, the committee consists of four democrats and ten republicans. Oops.

The report states that there were other reasons behind the firing and the family feud was just one piece of a very small puzzle, but that Palin clearly abused the powers of her office. This means that the way is clear for lawsuits and recall petitions. I can't wait to hear the lies that spew forth from her "golly-gee-whiz-Joe-Sixpack" piehole as she tries to squirm her way out of this mess.

And let's not forget John McCain. According to the man himself, he was fully aware of Troopergate when he chose Palin as his nominee but dismissed it on her word that there was no fire beneath the smoke. Really now, are we supposed to believe that? I believe the Republican Party chose Palin and that McCain was forced to go along with that choice as part of the bargain he made to get the nomination. But if McCain did choose her, what does that say about his judgment of character and how can we ever trust it in the White House?

I will credit McCain with one bright shining example of the honest man he used to be. It came in a town hall rally today as a dishevelled and clearly... well, let's just call her confused, woman told McCain that she couldn't trust Obama because he was an Arab. John McCain took the microphone away from her and did his best to hide what looked to be utter disgust as he corrected her by saying, no ma'am, that's wrong. He explained that Obama was a good, honest family man, a citizen of this country, who just happens to have different ideas on how this country should be run. This was met by a stifled, half-hearted, half-round of applause from the audience, but later, when McCain said that Obama could be trusted as President, would make a fine President, the audience booed him unmercifully. He probably killed his campaign right there, but you could see in his eyes that he was truly sickened and saddened by what his campaign has so far accomplished with it's lies regarding Barack Obama.

It was stunning to watch and for one brief moment, I glimpsed the honesty of John McCain that so impressed me over a decade ago. It's a damn shame that man was corrupted by the politics of fear and the slanderous agenda of his own party. I miss him. But then, what the hell do I know?

And A Side Order Of Regions…

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has just announced Federal plans to acquire preferred stock in many of the nations still solvent financial institutions. This stock will consist of non-voting shares except in instances where the vote would directly affect the US Government as shareholders. Sources say that up to 300 billion dollars could be used from the 700 billion dollar bailout bill recently slammed through the Senate.

Coupled with the ownership options with insurance companies and mortgage lenders, the Federal Government now holds many Americans in near complete thrall, lock stock and empty barrel. Let's say you bought a home through Fannie Mae, insured it with AIG and do your banking with Regions. The Feds technically own about eighty percent of all that. Does this scare anyone but me?

One Financial Bailout, And A Side Order Of Pork

Want to know why the US Senate quickly agreed to pass the new version of the Financial Bailout with a 74-25 pass vote? Because they added over $150 BILLION worth of pork to it. Explain to me how this makes sense. I'll wait.

(Whistles Steve Miller's Take The Money And Run.)

I'm still waiting.

(Whistles Pink Floyd's Money)

Yeah, I thought you might have difficulty. So who gets the pork? The new earmarks are for makers of wooden arrows for children, (explain that one to me...) film and television production companies, and litigants in the Exxon Valdez case. Extended earmarks go to rum producers in the Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico, the poor countries of Puerto Rico and American Samoa, mining rescue teams and safety equipment, (OK, that one I could let slide,) various Indian tribes, auto racing tracks, the District of Columbia and wool research. You want wool research data? It's hot, itchy, weighs a ton when it gets wet and you douchebags on Capitol Hill pull it down over the public eye way too often. You can slice off some of the hundreds of millions of dollars for wool research and send it my way for that information.

Honestly, I don't have time to research or delve into the details here, but do some digging and you'll see that this is not really a financial bailout, but another attempt at subverting the American political system to benefit a few senators pet lobbyists who happened to be coincidentally hanging around the Senate Chambers just before the bill went to vote.

Have a nice day!

Duke Of Hurl

Attempting to prove that white people can be just as racist and incompetent as Mayor Ray Nagin, state Rep John Labruzzo has opened up his mouth and deposited a stinking pile of vomit on the doorstep of Louisiana. Labruzzo has come up with a plan to pay "poor" people $1000 cash money to tie their tubes, be they male or female. He also wants to give tax breaks to "wealthy, college-educated people" if they promise to breed more. Honestly, words fail me.

Wait, no they don't…

The little white boy from District 81, (yes, the same district that catapulted "former" KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to political power,) says it's because welfare is costing the state too much money. Hmmm, fix the system or the populace, which is easier? Labruzzo claims that this is not racist since more white people are on welfare than other races. Perhaps in his district, which runs from Old Metairie to Bucktown, this is true, but Labruzzo is "still gathering data" so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Johhny says the plan will be completely voluntary. Of course, in a few years when it's not working they can always make it mandatory. Hell, why stop at the tubes. Let's hack off cocks and rip out vaginas. Jesus, Johnny, why bother to even pay for this? Why not just gather up some good ol' boys in the back of a pick-up truck and have a good old fashioned po' folks Krystallnacht. You could wipe out poverty in District 81 with just $1000 worth of shotgun shells! Think of the available housing! Think of the taxes that land could bring in! Think of the glorious rich, white, well-educated suburban landscape you could build!

This is such an incredibly ridiculous proposal that I refuse to devote any more time to it than this: Under Labruzzo's plan, the world would eventually be populated with productive taxpayers like John DuPont, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richey and the Bush Twins and we would never again see another Andrew Carnegie, George Washington Carver or Sister Gertrude Morgan. Think about that next time you're contemplating government sanctioned slaughter you worthless twunt.

In closing, I recommend Mr Labruzzo visit his doctor quickly as it seem that his own internal plumbing is in need of serious attention: The shit spewing forth from his mouth makes me think he's talking out of his ass.

Quack.

Ruth Grace Moulon
1934-2008

Reposer en Paix

Alternative Politics

OK, so my 2008 Presidential non-campaign is a bust thanks to many states creating a tangle of red tape for write-In candidates, but have no fear, there are alternatives to the Palin/Obama campaigns. While the Big News Media relentlessly force feeds red and blue pills to the country every hour, there is a veritable rainbow of medication out there to cure your election ills. Come with us now, on a journey of discovery, through the world of presidential hopefuls for the 2008 election!

Let's start with Democratic candidate and probable victor, Barack Obama. Obama, the former media darling, has seen his numbers fall in the last week. Even though the choice of Joe Biden as a running mate gave him a much needed boost, he's been staying far below the radar. On the plus side, Obama represents "change" for the way the country is run. On the negative side, his association with racist churches and Chicago criminals make people think twice about him as a viable candidate. Right in the middle is the race card. He's a black man! Ooooh! Scary!

The fact is, he's only half black, and this should really be a strong point for him, bridging the gaps, bringing Americans closer together, but there are idiots out there that simply can't cross that Mason-Dixon line and admit that skin color means nothing. They can't bring themselves to vote for him because that would mean the end of the White Male American power structure. Face it Whitey, you're gonna have to pick your own cotton from now on. Evolve or die.

Next we have the Palin/McCain ticket. I liked McCain a lot in his first run for president. He was a maverick then, but alas, things change. (That must be the change he keeps talking about.) Years ago, when he had Bush on the ropes, the RNC yanked his chain and promised him the '08 nomination if he'd roll over and play dead for Georgie-boy. He did just that. Now, with the addition of Sarah Palin, his campaign is moving forward at breackneck speed, but there's a problem. She overshadows him.

As an example, let's look at recent Fox "News" broadcasts. Palins' speeches are broadcast almost in full. After introducing McCain, Fox cuts away to talk about other "breaking" news, often skipping McCain altogether. And Fox is the Republican mouthpiece! How can you vote for a man whose own party puts him on the back burner in favor of the running mate? Add in the RNC's thinking that women across the nation will somehow ignore the fact that Palin has only one year of governorship under her wing and vote the Republican ticket just because she's a woman… If I were a woman, I'd be incensed. Hell, as a rational, thinking human being it's offensive to me!

Next we have perennial also-ran and Christian conservative Alan Keyes of America's Independent Party. He failed to gain the nomination of the Republican and Constitution parties so he joined up with disgruntled members of California's American Independent Party, themselves a splinter group of the Constitution party. The AIP claims to be the third largest national political party by number of voters, but like the armed forces of the world, there's a serious drop in numbers after the first two groups. Keyes running mate is California pastor and radio announcer Wiley Drake.

Too old-school right-wing? Then how about a hip, new electronic-age party? The Boston Tea Party held their convention online in June of 2008 where they put their trust in Floridian Charles Jay. Jay is a former Libertarian who ran for president in 2004 with the Personal Choice Party. His running mate then was former porn star Marilyn Chambers. Jay, a boxing manager and promoter is running with Thomas L Knapp, a Missouri blogger and editor of the online magazine Rational Review. The Boston Tea Party is composed of disgruntled Libertarians and maintains ties to the Personal Choice Party through their website. Knapp is also a Libertarian candidate for Missouri's Second Congressional District.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to the U.S. Taxpayers Party formed way back in 1992, it turned into the Constitution Party in 1999. The CP also stakes a claim to the third largest political party by number of registered voters but we've already explained the drop from second to third so let's move on to their nominee, another Floridian, Chuck Baldwin. A former Republican, Baldwin is a Baptist Pastor and a sharp critic of the Bush Administration. He opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants and supports the 9/11 Truth Movement. This is his second nomination for president with the Constitution Party. His running mate is attorney and activist Darrell Castle from Memphis, Tennessee. Baldwin seems willing to tell the emperor he has no clothes, which is rare in a politician. I give you this quote from a column he wrote in December, 2007:

"Unfortunately, it has been the Christian Right's blind support for President Bush in particular and the Republican Party in general that has precipitated a glaring and perhaps fatal defect: the Christian Right cannot, or will not, honestly face the real danger confronting these United States. The reason for this blindness is due, in part, to political partisanship or personal aggrandizement. Regardless, the Christian Right is currently devoid of genuine sagacity. On the whole, they fail to understand the issues that are critical to our nation's--and their own--survival."

Jeepers! not only does he use the word 'sagacity,' but he uses it correctly! I don't mean by definition, but in regard to the lack thereof within the Christian Right. Color me impressed!

And then there's the Green Party, such as it is these days. Made up of little separate Green Parties in each state, Ralph Naders' organization has become steeped in disarray since his decision to abandon them in favor of true independent status. Regardless, their nominee is Cynthia McKinney, a former Democratic House Representative and Congresswoman from Georgia. Her running mate is Rosa Clemente, a New York community organizer, journalist and "Hip-Hop activist," whatever that means.

McKinney took Al Gore to task for not having "more than one black person around him at any given time." I suppose she was speaking of Gores' campaign manager, Donna Brazile. She also accuses George Bush of knowing the 9/11 attacks were imminent, but remaining silent because of his father's business ties to bin Laden's construction company through the Carlyle Group. Interesting reading, to say the least.

Next.

You'd think that with "Liberty" stamped all over our collective loose change the Libertarians would have a better time of things during an election year. Guess not. In 2006 the Libertarians ranked 5th behind the Republican, Democratic, Constitution, and Green parties. And they've been around since 1971! For the 2008 contest, they've hoisted former Republican House Rep and Congressman Bob Barr from Georgia. Barr is the epitome of Right-Wing Conservatism; pro-gun, anti-choice, anti-tax, anti-Wiccan and anti-gay. One wonders why the Republicans don't take a closer look at him. Barr's running mate is Wayne Allyn Root who, according to Wiki is a "business mogul, television celebrity, TV producer, best-selling author, and professional sports handicapper." So if they lose, at least he's got that going for him.

It's history lesson time! Remember Prohibition? That dark age between 1919 and 1933 when the only liquor you could find came from a bathtub and was served in dark, secluded speakeasies? Well the Prohibition Party does and they're still fighting to outlaw alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs and "commercial vices," whatever those may be. Amazingly, the Prohibition Party was founded in 1869 and has had a candidate in every presidential election since 1872! The PP fell into disarray in 2003 with the secession of Earl Dodge, their nominee since 1984, and a handful of other members. Legal battles ensued over the funds for the PP and Dodge's newly formed National Prohibition Party whose membership was reportedly limited to less than a dozen individuals.

The historic PP has nominated Gene Amondsen, a landscape painter, woodcarver, minister and activist from Washington State. He was also their candidate in 2004. His running mate is Leroy Pletten of Michigan, also the running mate in 2004. The seceded National Prohibition Party was to nominate Earl Dodge once again, but his death in 2007 caused them to adopt Amondsen as their candidate, however they are pairing him with Dodge's original running mate, Howard Lydick. So if you hate booze and cards, go with Amondsen, but don't be surprised if the Veep's have a no-holds-barred cage fight to see which one gets to serve. (That almost tempts me to vote Prohibition!)

Looking for reform? Try the Reform Party of the United States of America! Founded in 1995 by H Ross Perot, (remember that Giant Sucking Sound?) the only thing this party has been able to reform is their nominee every four years. Perot in 1996, Pat Buchanan in 2000, and Ralph Nader in 2004 are all well known names in politics but the need for change runs so deep these days the Reform Party is going with the flow and floating Tylertown, Mississippi resident Ted Weill. Weill founded his own party, the Independent Party of Mississippi, but in 1997 merged that party with the RP. He is running with Californian Frank McEnulty. It is hoped that the 83 year old Weill will breathe some much needed life into the Reform Party this season. Hey, it could happen…

Speaking of Frank McEnulty, he's also the presidential candidate for the New American Independent Party. Of course, this should not be considered a conflict of interest as he only signed on with the Reform Party in states where the NAIP cannot achieve ballot status. He has yet to choose a running mate but hopes run high that this can be accomplished before the election.

For you liberated social voters, there's the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Formed in 2004 by a splinter cell of the Cold-War era Workers World Party, the PSL is comprised primarily of Marxists from San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Washington, D.C. They have nominated Californian Gloria LaRiva, the WWP nominee in 1992, as their 2008 candidate. LaRiva was also the WWP Veep candidate in 1984, 1988, 1996 and 2000. Other than being a professional candidate, she has Translated a book written by Fidel Castro and produced some direct-to-video documentaries. The PSL Veep candidate is Virginian Eugene Puryear, a student at Howard University and Jesse-Jackson-In-Training. Among the many accomplishments in his young life are marches to free the Jena 6 and marches against the Iraq War.

If LaRiva and Puryear aren't Social enough for you, why not check out Socialist Party USA! (I picture dozens of teens in go-go boots and drab gray jumpsuits doing the Frug to balilaika music.) Although the SPU warns everyone not to confuse them with Eugene V Debs' Socialist Party of America, it's very difficult not to, considering the SPU was formed in 1973 by members of the SPA just as soon as the SPA disbanded. The trouble is that two other groups formed at the same time: the Democratic Socialist Organizing Comittee, (which would become the Democratic Socialists of America in 1982,) and the now defunct People's Party. The SPU apparently got the rights to the SPA's slogan, "Worker's Of The World Unite!" Or did they? As Socialists, the slogan technically would belong to anyone who wanted to use it, eh?

SPU is the only one of the above groups to enter a candidate in the 2008 presidential election with their selection of Brian Moore of Florida. (Moore is also the Liberty Union Party candidate, but don't let that confuse you. The LUP basically just picks the most popular socialist candidate and pretends he's running for them.) Moore, a former Republican, Democrat, Independent and Green Party member became a socialist in 2007 after opponents in previous elections kept calling him one. (Hey, if you can't beat 'em…) Moore is described on the internet as an "elected official" but as far as I can tell, the only elections he's won were in the eighties where he spent three terms on a neighborhood advisory council in Washington, DC. He is also a community organizer, although the communities he's organized are in Bolivia, Panama, and Peru.

Moore's running mate is Stewart Alexander, who once traveled to Israel to connect with his Christian past. Upon arriving, he was arrested for failing to travel in a group, Stewart spent the night in jail before being unceremoniously shipped back to the United States. He was told by the Israeli government that he is no longer welcome in their country in the future. That might hinder him slightly in the Middle East Foreign Policy area.

And if you aren't tired of the Commies yet, there's the Socialist Workers Party. I must admit that the SWP has one of the most interesting candidates. Ever. Róger Calero. Born in Nicaragua, Calero and his family fled to Los Angeles in 1985. And even though he was convicted of felony sale of marijuana in 1988, he obtained his Green Card just five years later in 1990 and is now considered a permanent resident alien. The SWP launched massive protests calling the conviction political harassment and generally annoying the US Government so much that in 2003 it dropped the conviction, released Calero and canceled his upcoming deportation. Now that's the fucking American Dream! His running mate is labor activist Alyson Kennedy from Indianapolis who, by contrast, is simply boring.

Oh, one more thing… since Calero was born in Nicaragua he stands no chance of ever resting his ass in the Oval Office La•Z•Boy, but the little guy has gumption, don't he!

And let's not forget Jack Grimes. (No relation to deceased Simpson's minor character Frank Grimes, that we know of.) Jack has not announced a running mate as yet, but as soon as his United Fascist Union Party picks one, we'll be sure to let you know. Grimes may or may not have co-founded the ARLP, (I tried, but it's so secret no-one knows what it stands for,) with fellow fascist Greg Zuby and may or may not have been kicked out of, or seceded from, the ARLP, depending on which gossip thread you read and/or believe. Both Grimes and Zuby are products of the United States Armed Forces.

Hey, didn't we mention Ralph Nader a few times? We did, but it seems the Party is over for Nader. On February 24, 2008, Green Party founder Ralph Nader officially announced his candidacy on Meet The Press as a true Independent. He is running with San Franciscan Matt Gonzalez, also a former Green Party member. I guess all the fuss and fooferall of other people distract Nader from his ability to rule, whether he has the One Ring or not.

Another true Independent is Transparency advocate Kelcey Wilson who announced his candidacy on his blog. Kelcey is sooooo cute! Not physically, of course, but his website, wilson2008.com, has such funny things on it. Like the eye-straining use of almost every font installed with Windows '98. Or the clever quotation, "The Ends don't justify the means - the means are also ends." What the fuck does that mean! (Or is that, what the fuck does that end?) His site also has a little feature where you can "watch" what he's doing now! 71 days ago, he liked yogurt! 54 days ago he was "totally flabulous!" I must say, I'm totally flimpressed! I guess we know where the flabulous yogurt vote is going.

And there are countless other independents across these United States: performance artist and frequent Jesse Helms target Frank Moore, (as yet unregistered with the Federal Election Comittee,) Ohioan political newcomer Donald K Allen, software engineer and MENSAn Richard Clark, small business exec Jon Greenspon, ad-man Steve Kissing, Nevada professor of logic and capital-letter-lover Brad Lord-Leutwyler, North Carolinan veteran Tom Millican, and minister/author/homemaker Ruth Bryant White, all running hard to be your next president.

So you see, you have alternatives, you have a brain, put the two together and shake up the system! If the next four years suck ass, you have only yourself to blame!

Palin In A Nutshell

Chuck Todd of NBC recently interviewed former McCain campaign manager Mike Murphy and former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan. After the interview, an NBC employee failed to switch to the next segment. Thanks to Loki of Humid City for posting this!

Enjoy!



Read along if you wish:

Murphy: You know, because I come out of a blue swing state governor world. Engler, Whitman, Tommy Thompson, Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush. And these guys, this is all like, how you win a Texas race, you know, just run it up… And it’s not gonna work.

Noonan: It’s over.

Murphy: Still, McCain can give a version of the Lieberman speech to do himself some good.

NBC’s Chuck Todd: Don't think the Palin pick was insulting to Kay Bailey Hutchinson, too?

Noonan: I saw Kay this morning.

Todd: She's never been comfortable about it.

Murphy: They’re all bummed out.

Todd: I mean, is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?

Noonan: The most qualified? No. I think they went for this, excuse me, political bullshit about narratives and (inaudible) the picture.

Murphy: I totally agree.

Noonan: Every time the Republicans do that because that’s not where they live and it’s not what they’re good at and they blow it.

Murphy: You know what’s really the worst thing about it? The greatness (Noonan: Sorry guys.) of McCain is no cynicism and this is.

Todd: This is cynical… and, and… as you called it, gimmicky.

Of course, Noonan maintains that she meant their segment was over, not the Republican Campaign. Whatever helps you keep your job Peggy. Judging by the gushing praise she lavishes on the "political bullshit" Veep candidate in her recent Wall Street Journal column, she'll be fine.

Did She Just Say…

Republicans want everyone to leave her family out of it, so I'll refrain from commenting on the first boring fifteen minutes of her speech.

Watching La Palin give her speech. Did she just say "Lay more pipe?"

Wow. No one delivers snide rhetoric like an angry woman. She has some good speech writers, doesn't she? Sounds a lot like the First Ape, except she can actually form complete sentences without going "uhhhmmmmm" every fifth word.

Notice how every state she mentions is a "swing" state? As if the people of Ohio are stupid enough to vote for McCain just because their state was mentioned in a speech on national TV. Well, it is Ohio. OK, it might work...

"Do-Nothing Senate?" You mean the one John McCain is has been a member of since 1987?

OK, now she brings up his military service. There's no way to say this without offending someone but I do not mean this to be cruel, nor do I intend disrespect to John McCain. He fought for our country in one of our most questionable conflicts. He didn't run away and hide, and his patriotism is not in question in my mind. But…

Every time the Republicans bring up McCain's military record, we're supposed to get all teary eyed. His military record is always alluded to as qualifying him for the presidency. Really? He was in Vietnam just a few months before being captured. It seems to me that a better presidential candidate would be someone who didn't get captured. My god, the man crashed three planes in practice! He graduated 5th from the bottom of his class of 899! Enough already!

Crap. Now I missed the end of the words that the RNC writers prepared for her.

Oh well, the RNC is almost over. For those of you who think I'm being too rough on the Repugnicans, (yes, it's a combination of repugnant and republican,) just hold your horses. The debates are coming and I'm sure I'll be more democratic in my ranting then.

What The F...

Looks like my campaign is getting derailed. I decided to do some research on write-in candidates and it seems the great states of Louisiana and Mississippi do not allow write-in candidates. Most other states require a list of electors to be submitted prior to the election, (sometimes months prior,) in order for write-in votes to be considered valid. Some states also require fees to be paid by the candidate in order for him or her to be deemed acceptable. So much for free elections.

Sorry Joe, but your vote's gone too. Apparently I needed to file Form DS-DE 85 between July 1st and 8th with the Florida Department of Elections. Anyone with me for 2012?

For your educational edification: Write-In Rules By State

We Should Listen To You, Why?

Did it ever occur to anyone that the Democratic and Republican National Conventions are comprised of speeches given by people deemed too unacceptable to win their respective party nomination? Basically, the biggest losers in the country are all trying to convince us to listen to their advice. Does this make any sense?

Her Dress Is Freaking Blinding Me

Cindy McCain looks green. Very green. Like a bottle of Chartreuse green. Chartreuse is a 920 year old monk liqueur. It's quite potent.

The Sound Of One Flip Flopping

McCain is committed to running a "campaign based on the issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, April, 2008

"This election is not about issues."
Rick Davis, McCain campaign manager, September, 2008

Take This Brother, May It Serve You Well

Anyone see McCain in the receiving line on the airport tarmac? He zipped past his own family rather quickly and stopped for a paternal chat with Bristol Palin and her 'fiancé' Levi Johnston. We don't know what was said, but it was probably something like, "Geez kids, I'm really sorry you got outed. It's not my fault, I wanted to run with Joey." You can see it here. (There's a crappy commercial at first, deal with it.) McCain actually looks stiff and uncomfortable hugging his own family but comfortable as all hell hugging his "soulmate," (his words,) Sarah Palin. And watch at the end as McCain hands something to Levi. It's small and fits in the palm of a hand; Levi keeps his fingers clenched around it after the pass. It could simply be a McPalin campaign button, but I'm guessing it was a condom.

Sarah Palin For President!

I thought John McCain was running for president. You wouldn't know it from his new ad…



And he approved that! It's clear that with the RNC's choice of Palin as a running mate, they have lost their only area of attack on Obama, namely that of experience. Suddenly they are unable to compare and contrast Obama to their own candidate so they substitute the running mate? Did I miss something? Never before in the history of the United States of America have I seen a Veep candidate compared to a Presidential candidate of the opposite party! this is just mind-boggling! This ad is possibly the single greatest example of just how fractured and in disarray the Republican Party is.

Let's take a look at some other examples, shall we?

Until last week, McCain was leaning toward Joe Lieberman as his running mate in order to swing the independent voters, but the Reublican Party refused this choice and forced Palin into the Veep spot. So even though McCain is supposed to be an independent maverick for change, it's clear he's being puppeteered by the RNC. And if you think they're going to take their hand out of his ass if he makes it to the Oval Office, you're too far gone for me to help so you may as well stop reading now.

Instead of choosing a running-mate that could ease partisan tensions, corral thousands of swing votes and build the base of the Republican Party, the RNC is simply preaching to the converted by pushing Palin onto the ticket. The evangalical cats are creaming their jeans over Palin and the hardcore red-staters are finally happy that someone on their party's ticket has a pair of republican balls, but with Palin, the RNC is essentially telling the swing voters, (and pretty much everyone else,) that their voices have been heard and ignored. Here comes more of the same.

(Warning: Typical Male Sexist Comment Imminent) Palin completes McCain by adhering to the Party Canon where he falls short. For example, McCain opposes more offshore drilling in the United States. Palin is absolutely fanatical for more drilling. (Typical Male Sexist Comment in 3… 2… 1…) My goodness, she already has five kids; how much more drilling does she want! OK, OK, I apologize. That was completely unprofessional, but then I don't get paid for this so hard cheese! Back to the rant…

Now I understand that this is Sarah's Big Day and naturally the BNM flies should be buzzing around and about her, but shouldn't there also be someone talking about John McCain? I mean, the above ad not withstanding, he is supposed to be the Republican candidate, isn't he? Add to this, the fact that unlike any other Veep candidate in the history of the United States, the RNC has cloisterd Palin away from the media. No interviews, no sound bites, no nothing. The press releases say that she is working on her speech, but I think it's more a case of the RNC drilling their propaganda more firmly into her head.

In closing, I'd like to share a recent sound bite from Sarah Palin that illustrates just how terrible this choice was. Ignore the stupid Obama endcaps that someone tacked onto the clip, but pay very close attention to Sarah's own words. And enjoy implosion of the Republican Party.

Babygate

So, now the entire Republican Party is of the opinion that teenage pregnancy is perfectly acceptable. It's a private matter to be handled by the family. Interesting. Apparently the evangelical right-wing blowhard party now condones underage sex as well as homosexuality and whore-mongering. Who'da thunk?

I'd like to ask a favor of all my Liberal buddies in the Big News Media regarding Bristol Palin and her brand new bundle of stem cells. Shut the fuck up already! The world is quite aware that she's pregnant. The world is quite aware that her mommy, presumptive Veep Sarah Palin, is opposed to sex education. You can draw your own conclusions. Rumours abound that Sarah's son, Track, was born out of wedlock as well. Perhaps it runs in the family. Who cares.

There are thousands of people out there saying, "If she can't control her kids, how can she control the country!" Please join the BNM and STFU as well. Sarah Palin is not Dick Cheney. If McCain manages to win the election, (he won't,) the vice-presidency will once again be a quiet little job consisting of funereal visits and mall openings.

Think about this: The Palins live in Alaska. Other than writing your name in the snow with urine, there's not a lot to do up there so I'm guessing sex is a popular pastime. And before you start whining about the whole underage thing, you better whoa-up and check your facts. The Age Of Consent in Alaska is sixteen, so even if that errant sperm found it's way to Bristol's womb before her seventeenth birthday, there's nothing illegal about it.

And the baby-daddy be takin' care of his bitness. The shotguns are cocked and the wedding is on. I'm sure all the finer Alaskan bridal stores are busy altering their dresses to maternity patterns in the hopes that they'll land the lucrative Palin wedding contract.

What I find interesting that the Republican Party is responsible for keeping Babygate alive. Most democrats are more concerned with silly issues like health care, the illegal war in Iraq, the nosediving economy and global warming. Babygate is a freaking blessing to republicans. "Hey! A distraction to how we've fucked up the country! Let's run with it!" Give me a break.

As I was drifting into the Land of Nod last night, there was an interview with some republican idiot, I don't recall the name, who was asked about Sarah Palin's lack of experience in matters of foreign policy. This clueless bint actually claimed that since Sarah Palin was the governor of the closest American land to Russia, she had plenty of foreign policy experience. Huh? My next door neighbor is a chef. Does that automatically qualify me to run a restaurant?

And these are the people you want running this country? Good luck with that.

For those of you still looking for a presidential candidate, I'll be here when you need me. including myself, I now have a grand total of five write-in votes spanning Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and Pennsylvania. Just a few hundred thousand to go! And remember, my vice-president will be chosen from my supporters and I will move the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms and the DEA under his or her direct control. The job is VICE president, after all.

See you in Washington!

The Return Of The Scapegoat

I saw four different Michael Brown interviews yesterday. You remember Mike, the FEMA director who was cast as the villain immediately after Katrina. The scapegoat who was handpicked by the Bush Administration to run FEMA and also handpicked by the same administration to take the fall. That's right, that Michael Brown. There were more Michael Brown interviews yesterday than there are Lucy re-runs on TV Land in a night.

I saw him on CNN, Keith Olberman and FOX "News" and he was also interviewed by Hoda Kotb. Each interview contained the same question. Regarding FEMA performance during Gustav as compared to during Katrina, Brown was asked "What is the difference between then and now?" The twat gave different answers every time.

Answer One: Brown claimed the Department of Homeland Security is now properly running and funding FEMA and the agency is no longer hampered by political red tape.

Answer Two: Brown blamed state and local authorities for the mismanagement of their own affairs, essentially messing up his plans.

Answer Three: Brown claimed that this time, people followed orders and evacuated like they were supposed to.

Answer Four: Brown stated that FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within reasonable reach of those who would need them.

Of course he left out the most obvious answer, which is that Mike Brown is no longer in charge of FEMA!

I admit that Brownie was made out as the scapegoat for FEMA's colossal failure in the weeks and months following Hurricane Katrina. My main problem there is that he wasn't the only reason everything went wrong. He had a lot of help fucking up the relief efforts in 2005 but he was the only person to suffer a severe penalty for his inaction. Let's take a look at his answers again:

On the charge that FEMA is now properly run and funded, he is wrong. Small increases have been made to FEMA's budget but it is still woefully under-funded and until the FEMA directorship is once again made a full cabinet position it will continue to be under-staffed and tied up in the red tape of Homeland Security.

Next we have the blame game where Brownie shifts the responsibility to the local pols. There's no question that Governor Kathleen Blanco was in over her head and we all know how Nagin and Broussard cracked under the pressure, but a lot of that pressure came from knocking on a FEMA door that simply wasn't being answered. Mississippi and Alabama had problems with FEMA too, but Brownie didn't call them out as being incompetent. Of course, they were never as vocal as our Louisiana leaders.

The next answer is just plain wrong. Brownie blames the victims for not evacuating. Was he even awake then? Hundreds of thousands of people fled Gulf Coast. It's true that many people stayed, but that was due to the fact that the City of New Orleans promised to take care of them, as did other cities. Big mistake there. This is as offensive to me as when a lawyer blames a rape victim for her assault. For this answer alone, Michael Brown should be sent to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for the rest of his life.

Lastly, Brownie claims FEMA was allowed to place needed supplies within easy reach. I got news for you, Brownie… supplies were within reach during Katrina too. You just failed to move them the few miles they needed to go.

Now, there are a few more reasons why Gustav relief is working better than Katrina relief. First, as previously stated, Michael Brown is not a factor. That's a big one, but there's another more obvious reason, and that's the fact that Gustav was simply nowhere near as big a storm as Katrina. Less wind, less rain, less power, less surge, different track, etc, etc… the list goes on.

But there's still another reason why FEMA works better these days and it's a very interesting one. It's because Michael Brown taught the Gulf Coast and the rest of the country that we cannot rely on our government in a crisis. We need to take care of ourselves, much the same way our pioneering forefathers did long ago, before the days of gubmint cheese.

So thank you Brownie. It seems that after all is said and done, you really did do a heckuva job! You may now return to your life of infamy and obscurity, secure in the knowledge that you made difference at least once in your life. And you can stop blaming everyone else for your bad decisions.

Ray-Ray: Wrong Again

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin warned people to get out of Gustav's way as it was the "Mother Of All Storms." That may be the Mother Of All Hyperbole considering soon after those words left Ray-Ray's lips, Gustav began weakening. That's all I have to say about Ray-Ray.

OK, not really. And this is going to hurt. A lot.

Ray-Ray, you done good.

You got almost the entire city off their asses and out of harm's way. Granted, I think a lot of motivation came from not wanting to end up like the victims at the Superdome and Morial Convention Center, but still… And you actually got the buses moving out of state with asses in seats! Well done sir! You still don't deserve that fake award given to you by your photography connection, (what a snow job,) but you really accomplished something New Orleans can be proud of this time around. Congratulations.

Now get back to work and fix the Ninth Ward. And Uptown could use repaving while you're at it.

Braithwaite Secure?

MSNBC's Keith Olberman reports that the situation in Braithewaite is stabilizing. The water, after cresting at nine feet, is now down to a manageable five foot height. According to Lee Cowan, a reporter on the scene, floodgates were opened in the opposite direction so that the water flowed into the marshes instead of into the town. Confused? So am I. "Hey! Waters coming in… open the door backwards so it flows out!" My guess is they're speaking of pumps and not gates, at least not the gates they were seen snadbagging.

Sick To My Stomach

Just clicked past Nancy Grace and threw up a little in my mouth. As usual, the clueless twat was blathering about old news instead of current events. I'm still frrling the ill effects, but I should recover soon.

More Levee Woes

Plaquemines officials will not allow camera crews into the parish but FOX has video of St Bernard officials sandbagging the railroad gate at Dean Drive and St Bernard Parkway. Rising water is washing out the dirt beneath the gate and threatening to flood the Caernarvon area near St Bernard State Park. This is a federally funded levee and the ACE is on-site. I have not been able to pinpoint the location of the Plaquemines sandbagging operations, but one was in close proximity of the FOX cameras and looked to be along the canal running parallel to E Park Blvd. DO NOT QUOTE ME, I MAY BE WRONG. If someone can confirm this it would be apreciated.

FOX "News" just cut to commercial after Sheppard Smith reported that Gustav may have taken more lives in Baton Rouge. Way to milk a fucking ad dollar you cheap whores. When the commercials were over, FOX reported that at least seven more people have died due to high winds, specifically one person in Lafayetee and an elderly couple who evacuated to Baton Rouge. All three died in similar circumstances when high winds blew trees into the homes they were staying in.

Hang On St Christopher

Severe over-topping is threatening the levees in Plaquemines parish at the Clearwater Canal near Braithwaite and also near Scarsdale. Parish President Billy Nungesser is trying to evacuate anyone who may have stayed in Braithwaite by implementing a door to door search.

Naturally, the Big News Media is beginning to lose control as the day wears on. MSNBC is covering the Plaquemines situation even though their entire crew is having difficulty pronouncing simple words like Plaquemines and Jindal. Add to this the fact that MSNBC has no cameras in Braithwaite and is illustrating the story with shots of the Industrial Canal at the height of the storm surge.

CNN had Nungesser on the phone live when they cut him off in to show Laura Bush's heartfelt call for prayer at the Republican National Convention. Upon returning to the line, Wolf Blitzer seemed confused five minutes later when Nungesser was no longer on the line. So Wolf called back. And Nungesser answered. And Nungesser was put on hold again in order to feature Vampirella McCain in her Hillary-orange pantsuit with Transylvanian collar as she spoke at the RNC.

FOX "News" and CNN have crews on the scene as parish workers and volunteers try to stem the rising tide with sandbags, but the water seems to be coming in faster than the bags are going down. What they need are the big army choppers and sandbags used to fill the breaches during Katrina.

David Vitter has surfaced in Baton Rouge, explaining that he was unable to leave the building due to high winds and didn't know the actual situation, but that he had heard there were some trees down in the State Capitol. He then went on to congratulate everyone for a job well done. Exactly what job was done well and who did it is still unclear, as is how Vitter found out about it considering he just explained that he didn't know what was going on.

Not surprisingly, the most on-the-ball broadcaster I've heard from yet is NBC's Brian Williams. After a brief recap of how the city fared in the last twenty-four hours, Williams asked the question, "Does this mean that New Orleans is ready for the 'Big One?'" He answered it, too, saying "No, It means that New Orleans was ready for this storm." And he's damn right about that.

First Ape On The Move

Curious George Bush has taken wing and landed in San Antonio in order to smile and pose for the Big News Media cameras. He glad-handed his way through a team of National Guardsmen, chatting and grinning before returning to Air Force One which is now en route to the White House.

Bush canceled plans to attend the Republican National Convention in order to monitor Hurricane Gustav more closely. I must say he certainly appears to be working hard pumping all those hands. As for his decision to blow off the RNC, I think it's a huge fumble. With the hundreds of reporters in attendance, Bush is missing the perfect vehicle to prove his leadership and speak to the nation about what's going right during this crisis.

His handlers seem to think it would be inappropriate for him to appear at the convention, but honestly, what better venue could he ask for to reassure the country, specifically the Gulf Coast, that the danger is not yet past, but that things are going much better this time around. One more example of just how clueless his administration really is.

On the local side, one CNN reporter found a section of the Upper Ninth floodwall that had crumbled near the base and was allowing water to gush into the area. According to an un-named Army Corpsman, the floodwall is designed to crack and crumble at the bottom in order to ease pressure on the top of the wall.

What The Fuck?

I've been in New Orleans for thirty years and this is the first I've heard of this! Intentionally building weak spots at the bottom? Are you serious? Can someone confirm this, or is this the ACE attempting to snow the media into thinking that all is well?

At any rate, Gustav is now a Cat 1 storm and its eye is bearing down on Baton Rouge. I send prayers and the help of Queen Marie up north and hope you weather the storm with as little damage as possible. There are still a few feeder bands on the way to the Crescent City, but it looks as if these will pass by the end of the night. One bright spot is that they are separated by large bands of clear weather which should allow any accumulated flood waters to drain somewhat in the time between bands.

Gustav Update

The Mississippi Gulf Coast is once again receiving the brunt of a hurricane as Gustav continues to send high winds and storm surge across Highway 90. Latest videos showed Hwy 90 West under about a foot of water with waves cresting at a height of about three feet. A ten foot surge is slowly moving through Waveland but flooding inside homes is said to be minimal.

In New Orleans, the Industrial Canal levees are holding and the waters have begun subsiding according to FOX "News." There is high water inside the levees where a number of warehouses have flooded, but so far the residential areas of the Upper Ninth remain relatively dry. At one point, an Army Corps of Engineers worker jumped off of a tugboat and into the raging waters in order to secure a large propane tank, (and I mean large; SUV sized large,) which was being slammed into a nearby building. The man was able to return to the tugboat. Check FOX for the video, It's pretty freaking amazing, (except for Geraldo's continued "Is that a perthon? That'th a perthon!") and I expect this guy to be a media darling in the next few days.

On the political front, all the major players are sounding off on Gustav. First Ape George Bush says that the federal government is better prepared than it was during Katrina. Thanks for the info, Georgie. You're doing a heckuva job!

Barack Obama is monitoring the storm while on the campaign trail, cutting speeches short in order to devote more time to the situation in the Gulf of Mexico. Good to know that he's alert, but he's gotta remember that he ain't the Prez yet. Still, it's an incredibly bold statement that he's ready to take charge if the current administration drops the ball again and it adds a sense of leadership to his aura.

John McCain has stated that he knew Bristol Palin was pregnant before he chose her mom, Sarah, as his running mate. McCain representatives also refuted rumours that the pregnancy was announced at the height of Gustav in order to sneak it under the collective conscience of the country. Really? If that's true, why not announce it a day or two earlier or later?

In light of these last two items, I feel comfortable in calling the 2008 Presidential Election for Barack Obama. While John McCain is busy fighting a poorly timed press release regarding the loose morals of his running mates daughter, Obama is showing leadership in a time of real crisis. The only candidate that could possibly beat Obama would be yours truly, and I'm depending on your write-in votes to win. After all, I'm here updating the country, not just "monitoring the situation."

Locally, New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin publicly stated that all looters would go directly to Angola Prison with no temporary stay in the Orleans Parish Prison system. I wonder if that includes city employees who use their City of New Orleans credit cards for food, gas and lodging during their evacuation...

The First Ape Speaks.

Well, sort of. George Bush strung a few random sentences together just half an hour after arriving at the Austin Emergency HQ. He says that things are going better than they did during Katrina. (I think he actually thought of that himself!) No kidding. He also suggests that people who want to help call the websites for the American Red Cross and Salvation Army after the storm to donate money and time. Does anyone have the websites phone number?

FOX "News" announced that Laura Bush will introduce a film spotlighting the governors of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas during tonights RNC programme. Now that's what I call synergy! Each of those governors is a republican and each is in charge of a Gulf Coast state threatened by Hurricane Gustav. If you had a weather machine you couldn't have scripted it better!

Back to the Industrial Canal: The latest reports involve vessels from Southern Scrap in the Lower Ninth Ward. One barge is allegedly moored by just one line and two other boats are floating free in the canal. Authorities say they have contacted Southern in order to help in securing the vessels before they damage the weaker Upper Ninth floodwall. Even though this sounds scary, FOX cameras have not shown these vessels in the last two hours. The Florida Avenue bridge is down and it is my belief that if these vessels are indeed floating around, it is on the lake side of Florida Avenue.

FOX, News and Priorities

Much thanks to FOX "News" for interrupting coverage of Hurricane Gustav in order to inform us that presumptive Republican Veep Hottie Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother. The pro-life, family-values candidate says that her seventeen year-old, single daughter, Bristol, who is five months pregnant, is planning to marry the baby-daddy, also a teenager. There is no report on whether Bristol is aware of the wedding plans. Talk about serendipitous timing. I wonder if Sarah will change her tune about teaching sex education in school…

FOX also reports that George Bush and Dick Cheney have canceled their Republican convention speeches for tonight. Laura Bush and Cindy McCain plan to take the stage in their place to beg for prayers and money, thus turning Gustav into a big Republican love-fest.

Currently, I'm watching the FOX "News" broadcast from the Judge Seeber Bridge as water sloshes over the Industrial Canal levees. The levees look strong with no visible stress in evidence. but the water level has risen from 10-feet to 11-feet which is the limit along most of the floodwalls in the area.

George Bush has just arrived in the Austin, TX Emergency HQ, smiling and slapping backs. FOX has just now cut the feed from Austin. Apparently five minutes of the First Ape posing for photo-ops with his texas buddies is enough.

Earlier, CNN interviewed FEMA scapegoat Mike Brown and asked him what was different now compared to three years ago. Brownie skirted the issue, but I can tell you the answer… There's a new sheriff in town and his name ain't Mike Brown!

The Pailn Brood

Yes, she has that certain Tina Fey brainy/hottie thing going on, but who the fuck named her kids? Willow and Piper I can tolerate. Sometimes the only baby name book you can find is the one those hippies left behind the couch. Bristol sounds like the Palins are trying to jump on the urban bandwagon but were too scared to go with London, Paris, Houston, or Madagascar. And finally we come to the boys, Trig and Track. Are you fucking kidding me? Were those her favorite subjects in high school? Compared to these two, the other kids got off easy! I'm all for individualism, but you gotta draw a line somewhere.

Here Comes Hurricanes!

A little something to sing with the kids until the power comes back. (Better memorize it quick!) From my forthcoming Hurricane Songbook.

Here Comes Hurricanes
(Any ol' version will do, but I wrote it to Elvis')

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane.
Gustav and Hannah and maybe Josephine
Stirrin' up the rain.
Radar's pingin', weathermen singin'
All is battened down tight
Pack your luggage and say your prayers
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
We've got storms all filled with noise
For boys and girls again.
Hear those house frames rattle, prattle,
Oh what a frightening sight
So jump in bed and cover your head
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
They don't care if you're rich or poor
They'll screw you just the same
Hurricanes blow down all Gods children
Brown and yellow and white
So fill your hearts with weatherly fear
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Here comes hurricanes, here comes hurricanes,
Right down hurricane lane
They'll come around when the news rings out
That it's August once again
Peace on earth may come to all
If we survive one more night
So cross your fingers and clench your toes
'Cause hurricanes come tonight!

Thought We Could All Use A Chuckle

The following is a true story.

I escaped a half dozen hungry zomb's the other day:

They were shambling up to me as I was ordering a no-fat, half-caff latte with cocoa, cinnamon and nutmeg. By the time I finished drinking it, they had finally reached my table. (They were so pathetically slow I thought they were the wait-staff!)

I looked up at the girl I perceived to be the head zombie, (her knees were dirty,) and asked if she had heard that Paris Hilton had recently become a zombie.

"Rrrrrry??" She queried.

"Yes, it was on Entertainment Tonight. The Weekend Edition." Said I.

She blinked in disconnect for a moment before asking, "Rrrrw dzzzz Ehhhrrzz rrrrk bngg uhhhh zzzzzmmmmmby?"

I replied that Paris claimed to be enjoying the Zombie Life but positively detested the whole brain eating thing. She told zombie Mary Hart that brains were, "So not hot," and she was going to stick with sushi.

There was a bit of discussion between the zomb's, then the head girl said "Rrrnkooo ehrry rrrrrrch," and they shuffled off in the direction of Andy's on Penn Avenue. (It's a sushi bar.) Stupid trendy zombies. A vampire would have seen through my ruse immediately. Zombies are such twats.

Jackass Alert

The First Ape is now in town. Air Force One touched down moments ago and birthed its' unholy cargo on the tarmac at Armstrong International Airport, where he was met by Governor Bobby Jindal. Also in attendance; shining examples of public service William Jefferson and Ray Nagin. After the emotionless handshakes, Curious George was met by Saints Drew Brees and Deuce McCallister and given Saints gear which he casually tossed off to an aide. Bush took specific interest in Drew Brees' birthmark which he pointed at, eyes popping, like an utterly clueless and rude twat. He then spent thirty seconds giving a supposedly prestigious award to Dr John Bull before hopping into Marine One and helicoptering off to Jackson Barracks to fill our ears with bullshit.

So if Dr John Bull is so deserving of high praise, (and from what I hear, he is,) why the casual treatment? Curious George left him standing alone like a nobody after he gave him his medal. For someone in desperate need of good press in New Orleans, Georgie Boy certainly found a way to fuck this up completely.

Congratulations go out to ABC affiliate WGNO for being the only station to cover the speech live. I missed the beginning though, as I was making a George Bush sandwich. That's fried bologna smeared with mayonnaise and no bread. Some key points of what I heard in the speech:

Curious George mentioned that tourism is finally back in New Orleans. Yes, it is, but it never left. Possibly the immediate months after the storm there was a lull, but by Mardi Gras, our tourism business was going strong. You can't take credit for something you had no part in. Next.

Georgie also pointed out that health care is back in New Orleans. Umm, no, sorry, it's not. While there are facilities open in town, area hospitals are still severely understaffed, underfunded and overworked. Charity still sits abandoned, like a giant middle finger pointed straight at the bush administration and local politicians who keep dragging their heels. Next.

Georgie applauded the fact that there is "hopeful progress reducing crime in New Orleans." Get a fucking clue. Crime is as bad as it ever was. The only difference is that now the police can watch it happen on TV instead of endangering themselves out on the street. Bush says that he's been told, "over the last six months there have been notable improvements." By who? Nagin? Riley? If so, I challenge Curious George to spend the weekend in the Upper Ninth without his personal escort. Didn't think so.

The faux president touched on how the school system has improved, specifically test scores. Gee, I guess so, since many of the underachieving kids who had low test scores have stopped attending school altogether. That's just common sense.

He spent a few minutes kissing Leah Chase's ass. I guess he wants another freebie meal on our dime. No offense intended to Leah, but we've heard it before. I notice that he didn't mention the brutal slaying of Betsy McDaniel of Betsy's Pancake House. but then, he never ate there, so i guess it was beneath his radar.

He whooped up some hometown cheers when he mentioned that the New Orleans Saints were about to begin a new season in a newly refurbished Superdome. Yay! Except that the refurbishing is now over two years old. Does he ever read a fucking newspaper? not even a sports page?

He praised the fact that many New Orleans religious institutions are reopening. Really? Seems to me that the Archdiocese just closed thirty of them. He must have been thinking of strip clubs.

He closed by telling us all how he's been "honored to work with us" during the recovery and how this being the third anniversary of Katrina, he thought he should swing down here and "tell us what's happened and where we're headed." Well, in the first place, where has he been working with us? Was he in the Lower Ninth rebuilding homes? Did he help to strengthen the levees? Was that George Bush I saw feeding the homeless under the bridge? Or did he mean it was nice funneling a supposed 128 billion dollars to our state to be divided between our politicians and their pet projects like NOAH, Care Unlimited, Central City Adult Education and Orleans Metropolitan Housing?

As for him telling us what happened and where we're headed, we know, all too well. We were here. We're still here. Not in Arizona eating cake. Not in Crawford riding horses. This is reportedly the First Ape's last stop in New Orleans and to that I say, good riddance. Don't let the screen door smack you in the ass on the way out.

The Emperor Has New Clothes

There's a Curious Tribe in New Orleans. Very curious. While I try to maintain a curmudgeonly negative outlook on life, every so often I get the itch to pass on a positive story. Well, this is one of those times.

Curious Tribe is a group of young New Orleanians whose "mission is to elevate young adults by cultivating a language of creativity through art, fashion, music and culture." That's a pretty steep hill to climb, considering the state of the city these days, but like it says on the CT blog, "A dream is a weapon... Don't wake up!"

So when you get tired of re-reading my glorious rants, hustle on over to Curious Tribe. You just might find some hope for New Orleans!

Eight.

"I have said before that I don't think he can do the eight, and still believe that. Mind you, if there is any person on the planet who is capable, it is him. It's sad, but I just don't think it will happen." -Ian Thorpe

Thank you for your input. And enjoy your retirement.

Congratulations, Michael!

Give Me Back My Snout!

I'm a cat person, but I love a good dog. Hot dog, that is. Since before I can remember, I've been an absolute hound for Oscar Meyer Beef Franks, boiled, fried, barbecued, or just straight out of the package. As far as meat and meat by-products go, the Oscar Meyer Beef Frank was second only to bacon in my little world. Alas, like truth in advertising and honest politicians, those days are gone forever. Without warning, Oscar Meyer has ruined my life by changing the beef frank, and it's a change for the worse.

In June of 2008, I picked up a package of OMBF's and immediately noticed that something was wrong. The familiar light blue on the label had been replaced by a darker, more ominous shade of blue. Not only that, but the franks themselves were darker too. The usual fleshy hue was gone and I was staring at a dark and ruddy looking set of franks. I checked the rest of the packages, but they were all the same. My first thought was that they looked as if they spent the weekend at the beach. You know how a hot dog darkens if you leave it out for a while? That's what they looked like.

Fuck it, said I. It's Oscar, he wouldn't mess with a good thing. They probably just put too much dye in the mixture.

So I tossed the dogs in my basket and hit the check-out lines and headed home. I dutifully put all my purchases away like a good boy. I straightened the kitchen, rinsed a few dishes left over from breakfast and gave the countertops a quick spritz. I had done a good job and was ready for my reward... hot dogs!

I opened a pack and knew at once I had made a mistake. The smooth texture that once graced the OMBF was gone. In it's place was a rough, unfamiliar texture. This, however, was a small shock compared to the sheer displeasure I experienced when I bit into the hot dog. The old dogs were virtually unyielding to my bite. These new impostors offered resistance! As if they didn't want to be eaten! Not only that, but the smooth, whipped, almost creamy, meat texture inside was gone altogether. Now, inside my mouth, the little individual bits of meat were not even trying to work together. not only that, but there was a little hard chunk of something in there. For lack of a better word, blecch!

But if you think that's bad, the fried ones were worse! See, I usually eat five at a time. One raw while the others cook. As my brain was trying to wrap itself around the offensive taste in my mouth, my nose was sending alarm signals to it. Something was burning. Something that shouldn't have been burning. Something bad.

As many of you know, I'm a longhair. I thought perhaps an errant strand fell too close to the burner on the stove, but this was not the case. It was the hot dogs! As they popped and sizzled in the pan, the odor of burning hair was wafting up from them. And a hint of burning plastic, as well. It wasn't strong, but it was strong enough to notice. Imagine wrapping one of those little green toy army men with a few strands of hair and aiming a magnifying glass at it under the hot summer sun. It was disturbing, to say the least. There is a constant in the meat world, and that is, "Fire makes it good." With the new OMBF, fire makes it nauseating.

So I did some digging. According to DelawareOnline, Kraft Foods, OM's parent company, has changed the beef frank in order to compete with rival Sara Lee's Ball Park Franks. The new product, labeled "Premium" is touted as having no artificial flavors, colors, fillers or by-products. Unfortunately, it contains no taste, flavor or enjoyment, either. This is compounded by the fact that Mario Lopez has been signed as the celebrity spokesman for the new beef franks. A crappy fourth tier semi-celebrity for a crappy product.

Bad move Kraft. In your bid for hot dog domination, you have essentially chased me, and many others, straight to the competition. This brainless move can only be compared to that of Coca-Cola when they rolled out New Coke and consigned their original recipe to the trash bin. And we all know how well that worked out, don't we?

Some time ago, when I was enjoying some OMBF's at work, a vegetarian co-worker asked me how my snout was. "Excuse me?" Her reply, "Snout, Michael, you're eating snout. And hoof, and colon, and bone." It was one of her little anti-meat tirades and I was prepared for it. I replied that if it weren't for hot dogs, people would eat more hamburger, or steak, or bacon, and that would mean more animals slaughtered, and all those leftover parts would have to be put somewhere. As I saw it, hot dog eaters were doing their part to cut down on slaughter and keep the landfills free of nasty animal bits. To my surprise, after some thought, she agreed and I was given her blessing to eat all the hot dogs I wanted. I still plan to do so, but they most assuredly will not be made by Oscar Meyer. Looks like I'm heading to the Ball Park.