Thank God That's Over With

Of course I refer to the interminable eight years of botched policies and mis-management from the George Bush administration. Also, the televised coverage of the Barack Obama inauguration which seemed to last almost as long.

I kept wondering if it was a costume event until I realized that the guy dressed like Mr Potter, the evil old wheelchair-bound spider from It's A Wonderful Life, was actually former vice-president Dick Cheney who is apparently being eaten inside-out by cancerous guilt. We reap what we sow, eh?

The Networks had something for everyone. FOX "News" had the always charming Sheppard Smith in-articulating events as they happened with great gusto. From not knowing which helicopter was which, or who rode in what limo, to completely missing the significance of the Yosemite Valley painting hanging in National Statuary Hall. (It's part of the Lincoln theme Shep. See, Lincoln signed the Yosemite Land Grant in order to protect the area. Obama is a big Lincoln fan. See the connection?)

FOX had discussion in great detail about what they referred to as "Obama's Financial Bailout Plan" and how it could make or break him. Interesting. Somehow they failed to remember that it was good ol' George Bush who crafted the 800 billion dollar bailout, the first half of which has disappeared into the pockets of his Wall Street cronies. Obama is simply the executor of the remainder of Bush's last great mistake. Nothing like blinders to help keep your spin on track, eh FOX?

ABC had some decent coverage with Charlie Gibson, (oh, sorry Charlie, it's Charles now since you no longer handle fluff pieces on GMA, right?) and Diane Sawyer taking turns doling out historical facts and trivial snippets. For the most part Gibson stuck to history and Sawyer handled the important things like dress designers and speculation on Michelle Obama's gift to Laura Bush. (It was a pen and journal set according to Gibson.) ABC also had incisive commentary by George Stephanopoulis on how George Bush kept in shape during his tenure as tyrant, only gaining a few pounds in the last eight years. Cool! News I needed to know!

And CBS had Katie Couric.

What really depressed me about the whole thing was that this was the most attended inaugural event in the history of the Presidency. Yeah, OK, I get it. We elected the nation's first black president. Well, half-black, anyway. So it's historical and one would expect a large turnout, but it made me realize that if Obama was white, no one would really give a damn. It would simply be another president taking the Oath of Office. Big deal, right? It made me realize how little the citizenry cares about politics in the first place. No wonder the country is in the shape it's in.

Fiscally, the events surrounding the inauguration cost an estimated 170 million dollars but don't worry kids, only a small part of that money came from your taxes. Most of it came from private donations made by Wall Street movers and shakers. You know, those guys that are currently getting bailed out by the Feds with your hard-earned… oops. Well, perhaps the Feds can recoup some of that with the DVD sales and rentals. As for the Street itself, it plunged over 330 points reportedly because Obama didn't mention anything about them in his first speech. Talk about needy! Hey, wait a minute… what the hell are you people doing trading on Inauguration Day anyway? Not only are you a bunch of whiny bums crying for government handouts, but you don't even bother to pay respect to the new president you're begging from? Classy, really classy.

Chief Justice John Roberts, a Bush appointee, made a minor faux pas as he garbled the Oath of Office. One wonders how many of the nut-jobs who claim Obama is not a citizen will now claim he's not actually president because he didn't take the "real" Oath of Office. Of course, that leads to speculation that Bush instructed his pet to mess it up intentionally, but surely that couldn't be, could it? No, of course not. Any plan like that would have to come from someone with a working brain and real power. Like Dick Cheney. My God, I love a good conspiracy theory! (Well, wonder no more! NBC's Brian Williams just made it official, the nut-jobs are already crying!

As for Obama, one of his first acts of office was to reach out to the Gulf Coast promising to honor the "broken promises" and insure we never again suffer through the "unconscionable ineptitude" of the former administration. (Oooh, burn!) This came in the form of a statement released on the White House website. He also issued orders to cease implementation of many of George Bush's 'Midnight Resoloutions.' You know, those sneaky little laws an outgoing president pushes through when he thinks no one's looking. According to reports, Georgie signed more of those than Billy Clinton, Ronnie Reagan and Daddy Bush combined. Nice try, Georgie, but apparently another failure to add to your scrapbook.

And speaking of the former administration, George and his lovely wife Laura jetted away to their ranch in Crawford, Texas, a place they have clearly missed in the last eight years. Counting vacations spent at Camp David and in Crawford, George and company only managed to get in about three years of rest. Out of eight. Talk about your cushy part-time jobs!

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for one day. Enjoy your retirement George, you certainly earned it. And to the new president, Barack Obama, congratulations! You have a difficult job ahead of you, unraveling the twisted knot of incompetence left behind by your predecessor. No pressure though!

Bush Presidency Not A Failure!

According to his two top female advisors, Condoleeza Rice and wife Laura.

Safely ensconced in her 'Stepford,' TX ranch, Laura Bush told FOX 'News' "Do I think the press is fair? No, absolutely not." Regarding those who criticize her husbands' regime as a failure, she said, "Well, I know it's not. And so I don't really feel like I need to respond to people that view it that way." And of course, that's the real problem. The typical Bush response to any fact which does not fit neatly into his world is to ignore it until it goes away, then when it fails to go away, to spin it in some way that makes Incurious George look good. I guess all those years of alcoholism left some residual deniability in George and Laura. Good for them!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice also had a few words about her soon-to-be-former massah: "Generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will."

You know, in the spirit of the New Year I think I'll get the ball rolling here.

Thank you, George W Bush, for concocting false evidence in order to invade a middle eastern country which, while certainly led by a miserable tyrant, had absolutely nothing to do with Al-Quaida, 9/11, WMD's or any other thing you accused them of. They did try to assassinate your Daddy though, so I guess your Texas-sized ego and white-trash mentality makes this a perfectly acceptable Quid Pro Quo. How very Jerry Springer of you!

Thank you, George W Bush, for creating the No Child Left Behind program. Through creative bookkeeping you have managed to hide the fact that illiteracy and dropout rates are higher than ever in this country. By listing dropouts as "transfers" and allowing "certain" children to slide during major testing you have made our Nation's schools look ideally wonderful! Congrdulashens! Wee ar all aweighting the nexx vershen of Webster's Dikshenarry with grate auntissipashen!!

Thank you, George W Bush, for slashing restrictions on corporate pollution. The money saved and stuffed into executive Golden Parachute plans more than makes up for the centuries of tainted land and water our children will have to deal with. But hey, by that time you'll be dead! To use your new favorite phrase… "So what?"

Thank you, George W Bush, for allowing illegal immigrants to pour through our borders like water through an ACE levee. We now have more than enough waiters, maids, gardeners, garbage men and chicken plant workers to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them speak English or pay taxes, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

Thank you, George W Bush, for giving Wall Street the green light to play hard and fast with our money, creating loopholes, tax-dodges and Ponzi schemes which raped the Nation's wallets and further widened the divide between the Haves and Havenots. It's certainly a shame that you couldn't figure out how to get our Social Security money into the stock market though! Maybe next time!

Thank you, George W Bush, for the fiscal bailout programs. We, the people, are so stupid that we could never have found a solution like yours. To fight the spectre of insurmountable debt, your idea is to create more debt! Brilliant!! Hey, I'm going to go bankrupt soon, can I have a couple grand too?

Thank you, George W Bush, for making our National Parks safe to visit once again. Since you eviscerated gun laws people will think twice before drawing down on the average citizen at Yellowstone now, won't they?

Thank you, George W Bush, for your prompt action during Hurricane Katrina. Without your hard work and determination, thousands of people would have been stranded on rooftops and left homeless for years, scattered across the country far from friends and family.

Thank you, George W Bush, for re-popularizing the concept of the oubliette. Your system of secret jails is the perfect place to hide all those crazy school teachers, accountants and gas station owners you picked up after 9/11. And holding them under suspicion without charging them? Brilliant! No need to allow them counsel if they haven't been charged! No wonder there have been no terror attacks "on U.S. soil" during your reign.

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Mission Accomplished" speech. Without that speech, we all would have thought that the War on Iraq was still underway. No, really, thank God that's over! But George, why are our husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and children still dying over there? Any ideas?

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Midnight Regulations" you are feverishly passing in your last days. At your current rate, you should be able to pass more MR's than any other president in the history of this country, including Bill Clinton and your Daddy! With a little elbow grease, you could possibly destroy this country more in your final thirty days than in the previous eight years of your reign. Good luck to you! I'm certain that Big Coal will reward you with many lovely gifts as payback if they haven't already done so.

Gosh George, there's ever so much for us to be thankful for and it's all because of you! You, and you alone, have done what no other tyrant, enemy or foreign power has ever been able to do. You have brought the United States of America to it's knees. And isn't that the best way to fuck someone up the ass?

First Ape On The Move

Curious George Bush has taken wing and landed in San Antonio in order to smile and pose for the Big News Media cameras. He glad-handed his way through a team of National Guardsmen, chatting and grinning before returning to Air Force One which is now en route to the White House.

Bush canceled plans to attend the Republican National Convention in order to monitor Hurricane Gustav more closely. I must say he certainly appears to be working hard pumping all those hands. As for his decision to blow off the RNC, I think it's a huge fumble. With the hundreds of reporters in attendance, Bush is missing the perfect vehicle to prove his leadership and speak to the nation about what's going right during this crisis.

His handlers seem to think it would be inappropriate for him to appear at the convention, but honestly, what better venue could he ask for to reassure the country, specifically the Gulf Coast, that the danger is not yet past, but that things are going much better this time around. One more example of just how clueless his administration really is.

On the local side, one CNN reporter found a section of the Upper Ninth floodwall that had crumbled near the base and was allowing water to gush into the area. According to an un-named Army Corpsman, the floodwall is designed to crack and crumble at the bottom in order to ease pressure on the top of the wall.

What The Fuck?

I've been in New Orleans for thirty years and this is the first I've heard of this! Intentionally building weak spots at the bottom? Are you serious? Can someone confirm this, or is this the ACE attempting to snow the media into thinking that all is well?

At any rate, Gustav is now a Cat 1 storm and its eye is bearing down on Baton Rouge. I send prayers and the help of Queen Marie up north and hope you weather the storm with as little damage as possible. There are still a few feeder bands on the way to the Crescent City, but it looks as if these will pass by the end of the night. One bright spot is that they are separated by large bands of clear weather which should allow any accumulated flood waters to drain somewhat in the time between bands.

Gustav Update

The Mississippi Gulf Coast is once again receiving the brunt of a hurricane as Gustav continues to send high winds and storm surge across Highway 90. Latest videos showed Hwy 90 West under about a foot of water with waves cresting at a height of about three feet. A ten foot surge is slowly moving through Waveland but flooding inside homes is said to be minimal.

In New Orleans, the Industrial Canal levees are holding and the waters have begun subsiding according to FOX "News." There is high water inside the levees where a number of warehouses have flooded, but so far the residential areas of the Upper Ninth remain relatively dry. At one point, an Army Corps of Engineers worker jumped off of a tugboat and into the raging waters in order to secure a large propane tank, (and I mean large; SUV sized large,) which was being slammed into a nearby building. The man was able to return to the tugboat. Check FOX for the video, It's pretty freaking amazing, (except for Geraldo's continued "Is that a perthon? That'th a perthon!") and I expect this guy to be a media darling in the next few days.

On the political front, all the major players are sounding off on Gustav. First Ape George Bush says that the federal government is better prepared than it was during Katrina. Thanks for the info, Georgie. You're doing a heckuva job!

Barack Obama is monitoring the storm while on the campaign trail, cutting speeches short in order to devote more time to the situation in the Gulf of Mexico. Good to know that he's alert, but he's gotta remember that he ain't the Prez yet. Still, it's an incredibly bold statement that he's ready to take charge if the current administration drops the ball again and it adds a sense of leadership to his aura.

John McCain has stated that he knew Bristol Palin was pregnant before he chose her mom, Sarah, as his running mate. McCain representatives also refuted rumours that the pregnancy was announced at the height of Gustav in order to sneak it under the collective conscience of the country. Really? If that's true, why not announce it a day or two earlier or later?

In light of these last two items, I feel comfortable in calling the 2008 Presidential Election for Barack Obama. While John McCain is busy fighting a poorly timed press release regarding the loose morals of his running mates daughter, Obama is showing leadership in a time of real crisis. The only candidate that could possibly beat Obama would be yours truly, and I'm depending on your write-in votes to win. After all, I'm here updating the country, not just "monitoring the situation."

Locally, New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin publicly stated that all looters would go directly to Angola Prison with no temporary stay in the Orleans Parish Prison system. I wonder if that includes city employees who use their City of New Orleans credit cards for food, gas and lodging during their evacuation...

The First Ape Speaks.

Well, sort of. George Bush strung a few random sentences together just half an hour after arriving at the Austin Emergency HQ. He says that things are going better than they did during Katrina. (I think he actually thought of that himself!) No kidding. He also suggests that people who want to help call the websites for the American Red Cross and Salvation Army after the storm to donate money and time. Does anyone have the websites phone number?

FOX "News" announced that Laura Bush will introduce a film spotlighting the governors of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas during tonights RNC programme. Now that's what I call synergy! Each of those governors is a republican and each is in charge of a Gulf Coast state threatened by Hurricane Gustav. If you had a weather machine you couldn't have scripted it better!

Back to the Industrial Canal: The latest reports involve vessels from Southern Scrap in the Lower Ninth Ward. One barge is allegedly moored by just one line and two other boats are floating free in the canal. Authorities say they have contacted Southern in order to help in securing the vessels before they damage the weaker Upper Ninth floodwall. Even though this sounds scary, FOX cameras have not shown these vessels in the last two hours. The Florida Avenue bridge is down and it is my belief that if these vessels are indeed floating around, it is on the lake side of Florida Avenue.

FOX, News and Priorities

Much thanks to FOX "News" for interrupting coverage of Hurricane Gustav in order to inform us that presumptive Republican Veep Hottie Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother. The pro-life, family-values candidate says that her seventeen year-old, single daughter, Bristol, who is five months pregnant, is planning to marry the baby-daddy, also a teenager. There is no report on whether Bristol is aware of the wedding plans. Talk about serendipitous timing. I wonder if Sarah will change her tune about teaching sex education in school…

FOX also reports that George Bush and Dick Cheney have canceled their Republican convention speeches for tonight. Laura Bush and Cindy McCain plan to take the stage in their place to beg for prayers and money, thus turning Gustav into a big Republican love-fest.

Currently, I'm watching the FOX "News" broadcast from the Judge Seeber Bridge as water sloshes over the Industrial Canal levees. The levees look strong with no visible stress in evidence. but the water level has risen from 10-feet to 11-feet which is the limit along most of the floodwalls in the area.

George Bush has just arrived in the Austin, TX Emergency HQ, smiling and slapping backs. FOX has just now cut the feed from Austin. Apparently five minutes of the First Ape posing for photo-ops with his texas buddies is enough.

Earlier, CNN interviewed FEMA scapegoat Mike Brown and asked him what was different now compared to three years ago. Brownie skirted the issue, but I can tell you the answer… There's a new sheriff in town and his name ain't Mike Brown!

Jackass Alert

The First Ape is now in town. Air Force One touched down moments ago and birthed its' unholy cargo on the tarmac at Armstrong International Airport, where he was met by Governor Bobby Jindal. Also in attendance; shining examples of public service William Jefferson and Ray Nagin. After the emotionless handshakes, Curious George was met by Saints Drew Brees and Deuce McCallister and given Saints gear which he casually tossed off to an aide. Bush took specific interest in Drew Brees' birthmark which he pointed at, eyes popping, like an utterly clueless and rude twat. He then spent thirty seconds giving a supposedly prestigious award to Dr John Bull before hopping into Marine One and helicoptering off to Jackson Barracks to fill our ears with bullshit.

So if Dr John Bull is so deserving of high praise, (and from what I hear, he is,) why the casual treatment? Curious George left him standing alone like a nobody after he gave him his medal. For someone in desperate need of good press in New Orleans, Georgie Boy certainly found a way to fuck this up completely.

Congratulations go out to ABC affiliate WGNO for being the only station to cover the speech live. I missed the beginning though, as I was making a George Bush sandwich. That's fried bologna smeared with mayonnaise and no bread. Some key points of what I heard in the speech:

Curious George mentioned that tourism is finally back in New Orleans. Yes, it is, but it never left. Possibly the immediate months after the storm there was a lull, but by Mardi Gras, our tourism business was going strong. You can't take credit for something you had no part in. Next.

Georgie also pointed out that health care is back in New Orleans. Umm, no, sorry, it's not. While there are facilities open in town, area hospitals are still severely understaffed, underfunded and overworked. Charity still sits abandoned, like a giant middle finger pointed straight at the bush administration and local politicians who keep dragging their heels. Next.

Georgie applauded the fact that there is "hopeful progress reducing crime in New Orleans." Get a fucking clue. Crime is as bad as it ever was. The only difference is that now the police can watch it happen on TV instead of endangering themselves out on the street. Bush says that he's been told, "over the last six months there have been notable improvements." By who? Nagin? Riley? If so, I challenge Curious George to spend the weekend in the Upper Ninth without his personal escort. Didn't think so.

The faux president touched on how the school system has improved, specifically test scores. Gee, I guess so, since many of the underachieving kids who had low test scores have stopped attending school altogether. That's just common sense.

He spent a few minutes kissing Leah Chase's ass. I guess he wants another freebie meal on our dime. No offense intended to Leah, but we've heard it before. I notice that he didn't mention the brutal slaying of Betsy McDaniel of Betsy's Pancake House. but then, he never ate there, so i guess it was beneath his radar.

He whooped up some hometown cheers when he mentioned that the New Orleans Saints were about to begin a new season in a newly refurbished Superdome. Yay! Except that the refurbishing is now over two years old. Does he ever read a fucking newspaper? not even a sports page?

He praised the fact that many New Orleans religious institutions are reopening. Really? Seems to me that the Archdiocese just closed thirty of them. He must have been thinking of strip clubs.

He closed by telling us all how he's been "honored to work with us" during the recovery and how this being the third anniversary of Katrina, he thought he should swing down here and "tell us what's happened and where we're headed." Well, in the first place, where has he been working with us? Was he in the Lower Ninth rebuilding homes? Did he help to strengthen the levees? Was that George Bush I saw feeding the homeless under the bridge? Or did he mean it was nice funneling a supposed 128 billion dollars to our state to be divided between our politicians and their pet projects like NOAH, Care Unlimited, Central City Adult Education and Orleans Metropolitan Housing?

As for him telling us what happened and where we're headed, we know, all too well. We were here. We're still here. Not in Arizona eating cake. Not in Crawford riding horses. This is reportedly the First Ape's last stop in New Orleans and to that I say, good riddance. Don't let the screen door smack you in the ass on the way out.

Your Tax Dollars At Waste

At a cost of forty-million dollars the US Navy shot down a US spy satellite from its decaying orbit. The satellite was shot down in order to prevent 1000 pounds of toxic fuel from falling to earth. Pentagon spokesmen are "pretty sure" the operation was a success.

Huh?

Pretty sure? For forty-million fucking dollars you had better be 100% sure. Not only was this an incredible waste of our tax dollars, it wasn't even a guarantee. If any of this crap falls on my house you can bet your five-star asses I'll be suing the Bush Administration in short order.

While the satellite was shot down from the Pacific Ocean in order to minimize debris landfall, the Navy reports that bits and pieces of debris may be falling for the next forty days. The Navy also reports that they have tracked no falling debris larger than a football. Hmmmm... somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.

And The Winner Is...

By now you've all heard the collective thud of Mitt Romney's wallet hitting the floor as he dropped his political trousers in defeat this week. (And you all thought it was New Orleans' collective ass relaxing after Mardi Gras!) This leaves only a handful of front-runners in the Presidential election and since I'm coming off a grand victory in predicting the New York Football Giants as winners in Super Bowl Forty-Two I thought I'd let you all know the outcome of this years election in advance.

History will be made as Barack Obama will become the first "African-American" to sit in the seat of power in the Oval Office. (Not counting the plethora of butlers and maintenance men who planted their butts there in jest while working late nights while whitey was fast asleep!)

There, I said it. How can I be so sure? Well, for one thing, Hillary Clinton is dead in the water fund-wise. Like a collective husband married to a spendthrift, her core supporters are basically tapped out and unable to compete with the almost fanatical generosity of her chief rivals supporters. Obama simply has the Democratic nomination sewn up lock, stock and barrel but for the official word which will come soon enough.

Another sign is that the Clinton camp is the main source of rumours of a Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton ticket. The Obama camp, while not ruling anything out, tends to play off the rumours with a chuckle. A chuckle no doubt couched in the knowledge that Clinton is running scared and will do anything to keep Hillary's name in the same headlines relating to the Presidency.

But what about the Republicans, you ask? Well, there's not much to speak of there. Mike Huckabee plays well among the Religious Radicals and other splinter cells of what's left of the Republican Party but the Party itself has other commitments. (More on this later.) Ron Paul, my own favorite of those left in the running, is nothing more than a latter day Ross Perot with less money and more brains. Barring any major scandals from the McCain or Huckabee camps, Paul will keep surfing along powered by internet support until someone smart offers him the Veep position and that will more than likely be McCain unless Huckabee beats him to it.

Now about that Republican Party. I alluded that they have made other commitments and though I have no firm evidence, there is plenty circumstantially. Roll back with me to the 2004 election. Remember how John McCain was pouring on the steam and winning primary after primary? It was all the Republican Party could do to keep McCain from derailing a repeat for Georgie. He was almost in direct opposition with everything George Bush stood for and America was behind him.

Until he quit.

Suddenly McCain, at the height of popularity, retired from the race. Suddenly McCain threw his support wholeheartedly behind George Bush. Suddenly McCain agreed with George on all but the most minor issues. Suddenly McCain looked like he was taking one for the team. Or to put it in boxing terms; John McCain took a dive in the ninth.

Now I may be way off the mark here, but at the beginning of the 2008 race, (back in 2006,) McCain was a has-been, an also-ran. He was discounted by every media outlet in every market as someone who had absolutely no chance of gaining the Republican nomination. He was essentially treated as a likeable fellow, but a non-entity in the race for the Presidency, but here we are in 2008 and he's now the Republican media darling. How? Romney had the money. Giuliani had the popularity. Ron Paul had the Internet. What happened?

McCain has the Republican Party. It looks like stuffing your ideals in a sock and waiting your turn is paying off in huge dividends for Little John as the Republican Party is doing everything it can to assure him the 2008 nomination despite the outcry from hardline conservatives like Limbaugh and Hannity. And that's where the Republicans lose the election. The hardcore conservatives simply can't stomach McCain now any more than they could four years ago and the division his nomination will cause will be enough to send Obama to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the next four years and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Don't get me wrong... you can still vote, but the race is already over.

Congratulations Barack, make us proud! That's something Americans haven't been able to be since the 2000 election.

Winning The War On Common Sense

Congratulations to George Bush and Condoleeza Rice for playing an instrumental part in the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Nice work kids, but you've still failed to start the Third World War you're desperately seeking. Granted, this isn't going to help the peace process much, but it will take a little more than the killing of a washed-up corrupt politician whom no-one really liked to begin with to bring your master plan of World Destruction to glorious fruition. Anyone know why Bhutto was denied a security detail from the Bush administrations pet bulldogs, Blackwater Security? She asked for one. She offered to pay them well. She was turned down. Funny how you don't hear much about Iraq these days. Even though we're winning the War on Terror and the Situation in Iraq is getting better, this has been the worst year yet with over 900 American deaths. Not that I have proof of any government shenanigans, but it certainly looks interesting, doesn't it? Happy Holidays!

The Katrina Solution

I am here to defuse the conspiracy theorists ahead of time. The six nukes which were "accidentally" shipped to New Orleans via B-52 were not sent here to silence the detractors of the Bush Regime, nor were they sent here to blow the new levees during the next storm. I know many of you think this was a master-stroke of genius. What better way to rid the country of the eyesore that is the Lower Ninth Ward and the spectre of Hurricane Katrina victims who are still living in poison trailers waiting for their Federal Unlimited Cash for Katrina checks than to stage a good old "nukular" terror strike right here in the Big Easy.

Fortunately the First Ape isn't smart enough to think of that.

Sure, we all know the drill from countless Sci-Fi novels. People aren't getting along. Government fakes massive terror attack/alien invasion. People band together in the spirit of brotherhood. But as we also know, the First Ape won't (or can't) read so how would he know about that particular plan. Unless someone told him the plot of the upcoming Watchmen movie...

Uh, George uh, speaks. Uh. Sorta.

As a public service, I transcribed George Bush's speech to the MLK school. I invite you all to go to WDSU and read along with the video. It may be the only way to understand this thing. Some of the spellings of names may be wrong, but I wrote 'em as he said 'em. By the way, who the hell is Kip McDonough?

Madam Principal thank you for having us. Laura and I are honored to be here, umm... during the moment of reflection it is a time to... ask for the Almighty's blessings on those who suffer, those who lost a loved one, and remember that there's always a more blessed day in the future. And that's what we're here to celebrate, a more blessed day, and there's no better place to do so than in a place of hope... and that's a school, and so we're honored, uh, that you would welcome us. We love being with your teachers, and your students, thanks for being here.

Uh, governor thanks for coming. Uh, Governor Kathleen Blanco is an educational reformer. She has done what leaders are s'posed to do. When she sees a problem, address them head on and pass law and budget necessary to... achieve educational excellence, and you've done so governor, I congratulate you for your leadership.

I'm proud to be with the congressman. Jeff thanks for coming. You care deeply about the... students of this district and I'm glad you're here.

I do want to thank Don Powell for joining us, Don is the... is the recovery man, uh, who, uh, represents the White House and the administration here in Washington. From, in, in Louisiana from Washington and thank you for your service.

I appreciate the state education superintendent, uh Pastorak, superintendent thanks for coming, he is a, he's got a vision of excellence for the schools in New Orleans, and for uh, Louisiana. He shared that vision with us earlier.

I appreciate, uh, Paul Vallas, superintendent here in New Orleans for his willingness to take on... this challenge. He dudn't view it as a... problem, he views it as an opportunity. I first met Paul in Chicago, where he is uh, he was an advocate then like he is today of high expectations and... strong accountability to make sure every child learns.

I appreciate Hilda Young. Sister Finnery. She's the superintendent of the Catholic School system here I thank all the teachers... students and parents who've joined us.

Hurricane Katrina, umm... broke through the levees, it broke a lot of hearts, it destroyed buildings but it didn't affect the spirit of a lot of citizens. In this community. This spirit can be best reflected when, when you think about... a principal who... refused to allow a school to... be, uh, destroyed by the flood and worked hard to not only rebuild the building but keep the spirit alive or... it can be reflected in the fact that teachers commute. Uh, we met a... seventh grade teacher, today... who, uh, commutes thirty miles every day... to be able to impart knowledge and... to share wisdom with students who will be... leading New Orleans in the future

And so it's uh, I-I uh, I... m-my attitude is this, New Orleans... better days are ahead. It's sometimes hard for people to see progress when you live... in a community all the time. Laura and I get to come, we-we-we don't live here. We-we come... on occasion. And it's easy to think about what it was like when we first came here after the hurricane... and what it's like today. And this town's coming back. This town is better today than it was yesterday and it's gonna be better tomorrow than it was... today. And idn't no better place to find that out than, uh, than in the school system.

First I do wanna thank our fellow citizens for their generosity when it comes to helping New Orleans and the Gulf Coast rebuild. The citizens of this country thus far... have, uh, paid out a hunnert and fourteen billion dollars in tax revenues, their money... to help the folks down here. And I appreciate the governor, last night we went to, uh, we had a nice dinner... here in New Orleans, bytheway I have yet to recover... Dooky Chase's. If you wanna eat a lot of good food go there. But during that dinner the governor, uh, expressed her appreciation... to the taxpayers of America, i know there's taxpayers are people from all around the country have gotta understand the people of this part of the world, really do appreciate... the fact that the American citizens... are supportive of the recovery effort.

Of the hunnert-fourteen billion spent so far... uh, uh, uh, uh, in resources allocated so far 'bout eighty percent of the funds have been dispersed or available... uh, and of course, Don and I will try to work through the bureaucracy in Washington just like folks down here are trying to work through the bureaucracy to make sure that there are adequate plans for the money. And so we're workin' through... this kind of collaborative effort of federal, state and local... folks workin' together to make sure the taxpayers money is spent wisely on priorities. But there's uh been a commitment and a strong commitment.

A lot of people down here prob'ly wondered whether or not, those of us in the federal government not from Louisiana would pay attention, to Louisiana or Mississippi, 'nother words... one thing to come give a speech in Jackson Square it's another thing to... keep paying attention to whether or not progress is being made, and uh, I hope, I hope people understand we do. W-w-w-w-we're still paying attention... we understand.

One of Don Powell's jobs is to make sure that the federal government understands the hurdles that remain to, for recovery. One hurdle was the levee system. We fully understand that New Orleans, can't be rebuilt until there's confidence in the levees. It's one thing to plan it's another thing to convince people that, uh, that the levees will work. And there's been a lot of effort by the Army Corps of Engineer as a matter of fact Don Powell announced, uh, the other day that... that we're gonna complete work to improve stormfloodprotectioninfrastructure, uh, to a hunnert year protection level... by 2011. And that's a, uh, that's, that's a commitment... and it's an important commitment to make.

We're also gonna fund 1.3 billion dollar network of interior drainage projects to insure the area, has, better hurricane protection... or if there's federal responsibilities the levee system is the federal responsibility... and we'll, we'll meet our responsibility. And there's a, uh, obviously we're gonna work, together with the state... and local governments as well, obviously it's, it's, its uh, it's a collaborative effort. Uh, one of the things that Kathleen and I have been working on a long time is wetlands restoration... in order to provide more protection for the folks down here, we got a good bill outta the Congress, and uh, it's an opportunity now for Louisiana to have the cash, uh funds necessary to begin a... serious and subsidied wetlands restoration program.

I appreciate the fact that Al Gonzalez was down yesterday talking about how the federal government can help... on local law enforcement matters. I firmly believe local law enforcement is just that - local... requires a commitment by the local folks to... hold people to account for crime, but the federal government can help and so Al was down yesterday announcing, uh in opening a family justice center. To help the... victims of... domestic violence

Uh, VA... is gonna build a medical... center in downtown New Orleans... as part of the federal commitment, to... helping people here recover.

And so I uh, I come... uh telling the folks in this part of the world that we, we still understand there's problems... and we're still engaged and, and Don will continue to... make sure that uh, that we listen, and respond when, when possible.

But let me talk about the school system, umm... there is nothing more hopeful than a, a good school system... and I firmly believe that excellence in education is gonna be the... leading edge of change... for New Orleans. Uh, Mark Spellings who's the Secretary of Education understands this... concept. The government has uh, provided Louisiana with more than 700 million dollars in emergency education funds... to help not only the public school system, but also the parochial school system. And that's money well spent. It's money spent on, c-construction, it's money spent on, uh, creating sincentives for teachers to return, it's money insent to make sure children who went to other school districts, uh, those school districts got reimbursed, it was good money spent. Because education needs to be the number one priority in the state... just like... Kathleen Blanco has made... that the priority.

New Orleans is, uh 'bout to open eighty school, nearly eighty schools this fall, that's a remarkable achievement. Nearly half of which happen to be charter schools. I believe in freedom, to manage... and accountability to make sure everybody learns. And that's the essence of the charter school movement. Freedom to manage... but accountability to make sure... no child... gets left behind and that's' the spirit of the superintendent... both superintendents here. They believe in high expectations... and measuring... see its what I call challenging the soft bigotry of low expectations. If you don''t believe, that somebody can learn you'll set low expectations. If you believe every child can learn... you'll raise the expectations and then you'll insist upon measurement to make sure that... each child is tracked. And we disaggregate results, that's a fancy word for making sure that... we understand whether or not, each school... is meeting certain standards. And then help for those that aren't... changes for those that aren't, and praise for those that are, and we're at MLK and we're here to heap praise.

This is the first public school to open in the Lower Ninth Ward. It is a tribute to volunteers... concerned parents and citizens who... care about education. It is a... tribute to the fact that, there's teachers who... taught in makeshift classrooms during renovations, in other words they care about the buildings, but they care more about education... and were willing to teach, no matter what the circumstances may be. Uh, and they, it, it's uh, a tribute to a principal... who had a clear vision. And so we're here to herald excellence, and to thank the good folks, in this community for supporting this school, with the understanding that this school... is one of the great beacons for hope.

I uh, I want to thank uhm... the educational entrepreneurs who've joined us, those who are in the process of... helping find... uh... new teachers. Teachers... there was a great concern obviously when, when, w-w-when schools re-opening to whether or not there'd be enough teachers. And people responded. Uh, people responded tuh... to the call to help... provided, uh, at a grassroots level the support necessary... uh, to encourage people to teach. Teach NOLA... is such an example. If your interested in bein' a teacher from around the country, get on the internet on Teach NOLA... and you'll find opportunities to come here, to Washing, uhn, New Orleans to teach. We got somebody from Washington, who came down... to help... rally, uh support for the... school system.

Teach For America is active... in this community. Charter school system by the way spawns all kinds of different opportunities for people... to be involved with schools I think of Kip McDonough... 15 school. It's a high standard school. It is a school that says y'know if there are rules that prevent us from teaching, we'll try to figure out how to get around 'em cause what matters more than anything i... teaching a child.

I was impressed that uh, that when they got into the school system there, when they first got going in this particular school they extended the school day with class every other saturday. It's whatta we, what does it take to catch up. What do we need to do to meet standards. And uh, it... the principal, the former principal put it this way, "It took a hurricane to speed up and really jump start the reform efforts in New Orleans" 'Nother words the hurricane was disastrous in many reasons, but it also gave a great opportunity... for a new way forward, seized by the governor and the superintendents and the principals... by the way.

Uh Laura and I care a lot about the libraries... why we dedicatin' books... we're proud to be, uh, a part of... the rebuilding of this library. Uh Laura's got a foundation, uh, and has established the Gulf Coast Library Recovery Initiative... all aiming to make sure, that, uh... that these libraries are stocked with books. You oughta apply to her foundation, by the way I think that might have... I think you'll have a good opportunity. I'll try to work it for you.

I'll never forget one time when I was governor of Texas a woman looked at me 'n she said "reading is the new civil right." It had a profound impact... on the policies that we have pursued, uh, since I've been in public office, and Laura's pursuit as a... lifelong reader. 'N that person was right. We gotta start makin' sure these youngsters can read... at grade level... and stay reading at grade level, no better way to send a message that that is a commitment, than by making sure that the libraries are stocked.

I wanna share a story with you about a woman named Rebecca Jeanfreau who's here... where are you Rebecca... there ya go, thanks for comin'...uh, she was uh... a Boston architect... she'd studied to become uh, a uh... architect and was... in a firm, uh but she is from New Orleans, and she started thinking about the community she loved. And so she said uh, I needed to act and I'm ready to act... and she came back to be a teacher. She left a promising career as a, architect... to come back to a... community that's she's... that is dear to her heart. It's that spirit by the way, that is gonna, uh... uh, a-allow me to predict, with certainty... New Orleanses... better days are ahead... for the New Orleans people.

I mean this is a, uh, and there's stories like go back to all over this community... people who've heard a call... to come back and help... no better way to help by the way than to teach. But there're all kinds of different ways people can help the people of New Orleans... and, and the Gulf Coast recover. You can contribute to the NGO's or the... local organizations that are still helpin' heal hearts. You can help with, uh, sendin' books to schools. You can get on websites to determine, where the needs are. If you're a citizen of this country who cares about making sure that this part of the region fully recovers... please participate... please find a way to help and... continue to do so.

So governor I'm honored you're here. Laura and I are thrilled to be in this school... we're... we're really pleased that uh, that uh MLK school has given us an opportunity to herald excellence, uh, ah... we uh, we care deeply about the folks in this part of the world, we ask for God's blessings... on the families who still hurt and suffer... and we thank God for... the recovery efforts that thus far have taken place. Thank you for your time.

No, really, who the hell is Kip McDonough? And after all that praise for MLK's principal, who stood next to the First Ape the whole time, couldn't he at least have introduced her? I don't know who she is. And if you listened to the video as you read along, you'll know that those weren't spelling errors on my part, just verbatim transcription. Now, I'm a complete idiot when it comes to punctuation, but at least I can speak the English Language! How much do you wnat to bet that this speech is all prettified and edited for Georgie's memoirs? You would think his oration and diction would be better for a speech on education! There's so much wrong here that even I'm at a loss for words, but from what I can make out, between the heaping praise for our local pinheads and future jailbirds, education is important to this man. How's that for fucking irony. Let this be a lesson on the importance of voting. A presidency is a terrible thing to waste.

Happy Rex Manning Day!

President George W Bush touched down at Armstrong International Airport sometime last night for his much celebrated photo-op here in The City That He Forgot. In preparation for his arrival, our most intelligent citizens have been ushered far away so as not to disrupt the Boob-In-Chiefs visit. Soon after Air Force One touched down, Curious George was met by some of his other partners in homicide, (Mayor Ray Nagin, Governor Kathleen Blanco, et al,) and they all joined together in a big circle jerk of "Heckuva Jobs."

Bush and his wife Laura, (who added to the expense of the trip by taking her own separate jet,) were then whisked out of sight to a naval vessel to spend the night. Apparently they don't trust the city to keep them safe overnight, or care to spend a paltry few dollars in a local hotel to help the economy. During his visit, the First Ape will visit one of the few Ninth Ward schools able to operate and have a nice meal at Dooky Chase's, and in honor of the First Ape, the city has closed down the Canal Street streetcar line. That should be nice for the residents who depend on the line to go to and from work. Following his brief stop here, Georgie and Company will travel to Gulfport and do some other incredibly relevant stuff to prove how much he cares about the Gulf Coast.

That's about all I can tell you as only people who are unlikely to express negative thoughts about this Administration are allowed within a two mile radius of the First Ape. God forbid he get an earful from someone who is still waiting for all that help he promised us. I'm fairly certain that he will be shown those three houses in the Ninth Ward that have been rebuilt though.

By the way, if you're wondering about the title of this post, it's a nod to the film Empire Records, in which a record store goes all out to celebrate the arrival of a pop singer who they view as a very cool dude, only to find out that he's a self centered prick interested only in advancing his own career and reputation. Think about it.

UPDATE: It's noon, August 29th, 2007. Rex Manning is gone. Thousands of taxpayer dollars were spent keeping the First Ape well shielded from the city by way of police blockades along every street he travelled. New Orleanian taxpayer dollars. I find it incredibly telling that such precautions must be taken for this idiot to ride through our town. If "W" had bothered to keep his promises to us he wouldn't have to hide like this. As it stands, if he's going to continue to yank our chains like this, we should at least be allowed to line the streets and show him how we feel. Sleep well back in Washington in your house with walls, carpets and hot water you lying sack of crap.

Pardon Me...

Former governor Dave Treen is currently using his connections with former Louisianian John Breaux to seek an audience with current Moron-In-Chief Gerofge Bush in order to free former governor Edwin Edwards from his prison term. Pardon my english but are you fucking kidding me? The absolute last thing this state needs is for Treen to open up this can of worms. With David Vitter in the spotlight for his hypocrisy, William Jefferson and his family of scumbags already under Federal investigation and the mysterious ongoing(?) probe concerning former mayor Marc Morial and his clan still in limbo, why in the hell do we need this aggravation?

Treen bases his meddling on some pretty weak criteria. One, that Edwards is now 80 years old and shouldn't have to suffer any longer in prison. Bullshit, he's guilty, let him do his time. It's called justice. Another, that Bush pardoned 'Scooter' Libby, he should pardon Eddie. Oh, sure, this makes sense. What heat has Edwards taken for Georgie? Libby was pardoned for taking the fall for other Bush flunkies. Edwards is not even a blip on Georgie's radar.

If Bush is incredibly stupid enough to actually pardon Edwards, we can all kiss Federal help goodbye for any future disaster we may suffer. If you think the country is sick of hearing about the corrupt politicians we have in Louisiana now, wait until this shit hits the cieling fan and lands square in the middle of the nations face. I can see no reason for Treen to even care about this issue unless Edwin's been sending him big checks in their recent correspondance. How about it Dave? Is your Uncle Eddie buying his way to freedom? Pardon me Dave, but sit down and shut the fuck up and wither away quietly up there in Mandeville

New Math

The recent report on the war in Iraq lists 18 benchmarks. 8 of these were ranked as failures, 8 as successes and 2 were ranked right in between. President Bush proudly waves this report in the face of the nation and calls it a success. Are you [bleep]ing kidding me? No matter how you spin it, that's just below 44.5%. A solid failure in even the most lenient classes.

But then, I'm not Georgie. Normal rules of conduct and common sense actually apply to me. George on the other hand is used to failing and coming out smelling like a rose. Just like when his Texas MLB club was failing, he made money by sucking in investors at "the right time." Likewise, his oil operations in the eighties were miserable failures but he did ok. (I think he owned the only oil companies to fail to make a profit during the eighties oil boom.) It must be nice to be blissfully unaware of how sub-par you truly are.

The new math of the Bush Administration runs deep. Ask anyone who worked in the Texas school system while he was governor of that fine state. His No Child Left Behind program was a rousing success and Texas had a record low number of high school dropouts. This was due to the fact that dropouts were listed as "transfers to other schools or districts." In fact, in a survey of 16 high schools conducted by the state, a field of 5500 freshman had only about 2500 students reach graduation thanks to Secretary of Education Rod Paige, (Houston school superintendant from 1994-2001,) a longtime Bush crony. The real success of NCLB? Paige fired principals who reported dropouts and gave $5000 bonuses to those who reported 0 dropouts.

I know, it's an old story. And it's obvious that America doesn't really give a damn because this all broke open as Georgie was digging a new ass groove into the Oval Office leather chair. I don't know who to be more sick of; the First Liar or you mindless [bleep]s who elected him. No matter how you arrange the numbers, the Bush Administration simply doesn't add up, but it certainly divides us well.

Bush Announces War On Malaria

Today President George W Bush will announce his plans for the War On Malaria. Sources close to the Bush administration would not give specific details, but we here at the Nation Of Morons have managed to get our hands on some of the preliminary strategic documents.

According to these documents, the CIA and other foreign sources say that a life hating terrorist group, known as "Al Mosque-Itos" are waging an all-out jihad against the life loving peoples of the poor country of Malaria. The Bush plan calls for a "coalition of the willing" to attack these Al Mosque-Itos both on the ground and from the air with what is only described in memos as "shock and awe tactics." Copies of e-mails we acquired indicate that some cabinet members are worried about how coalition forces will be received in Malaria, but Vice-President Dick Cheney has assured them that our troops will be greeted as "liberators" and that most Malarians "might not even throw rocks at our invading forces or shoot at them very much."

According to the memos, once Malaria has been successfully stabilized, "it will only be a matter of time before the locals take advantage of the huge reward," a $50 Starbucks gift certificate, "to turn in the Al Mosque-Ito leaders," who can be identified by pictures printed on the backs of official U.S. Army playing cards. They are also recognizable by the "long needle-like barrels they all carry, which may be aluminum tubing used in making weapons of mass-destruction." During the expected two-month occupation, Malarians will be allowed to continue with their daily routine of sifting through dirt to find bugs for sustenance, while coalition forces will feast from fast food kiosks set up in the "Green Zone" at the expense of U.S. taxpayers.

One curious memo we received dealt with a planned "Mission Accomplished" photo-op to take place on board a U.S. aircraft carrier somewhere in the Pacific. The projected date of this event was pencilled in for April 14th, 2007, over a full month before todays invasion was to take place. A reply from Bush's Brain, Karl Rove, simply said not to "sweat the little details, it will all work out in the end. Besides, if we win, no one will bitch except for that Pelosi broad, and that's only because she is one."

The most troubling document was Bush's memo asking the army to send a "big ol' hurrak'n to M'lerya" since Hurricane Katrina was so effective in destroying the troublesome Al Mosque-Itos of New Orleans. Apparently this was explained to him as "too costly and not actually possible," but he'd still like to "give it a whirl." And speaking of cost, the president promises that the entire war won't go over $74.98, unless of course he decides to stop for fajitas on the way to the aircraft carrier in which case he says he may have to ask congress for an additional 250 trillion dollars.

When asked if the American People would support another war in which their tax dollars would pay for the education and health care of non-citizens, Bush remarked, "Hey, ah'm a 'Meruhc'n person an' I'm all healthy an' edumacated an' stuff. What're they worried about? Besides, all them new Latinameruhc'ns will be beatin' down the courthouse doors to pay their $5000 fines and that money oughtta cover it."

Senators and representatives on Capitol Hill are already in agreement according to the dictates of party lines. Republicans support the plan 113% and are already designing pork projects to add to the financing bill. (Except Texas Senator Ron Paul, who says he'll just pick up some bacon at a Waffle House on the way home.) Democrats are busy separating their right and left brains in order to more effectively rubber-stamp the War On Malaria while simultaneously denying that they voted for it in the first place. (Except Senator Hillary Clinton, who was unavailable for comment due to a particularly rigorous series of Botox injections.) Overall, sentiment for this war is at an all-time high. According to Senator Bill Jefferson from New Orleans, "I may have to get me a bigger freezer if this pig flies."

A surprising effect of this War On Malaria is the unexpected un-retirement of British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Insiders say Blair is expected to run for office once more in order to "help my slightly more stupider cousin bring violent peace to that poor, poor underpriveleged little nation of Malaria." Sources close to Blair indicate that he will send Prince Harry and a crack team of Her Majesty's Finest into the fray as soon as they can locate Malaria on a map, and right after tea and biscuits.

I hope I'll be able to bring you more on this and other subjects in the near future, but Bush sources close to my sources say that my wife is about to be outed as a covert operative for the CIA if I keep this shit up, and I may soon find myself unable to circulate freely among the hoi-polloi of Capitol Hill. Only time will tell.

All About Goerge

I've noticed some things lately. First and foremost, that the United States is no longer governed for or by We The People. George Bush has finally managed to reduce the Federal Government to a one-man operation, and if you listen closely, you can hear the progression. By the way, you fellers in the Chevy Trucks with the gun rack in the window and the American Flag on the bumper can stop reading now. It's only going to piss you off.

It all started long ago when the First Ape railed against the terrorists. We had to get them because it was good for, as he is so fond of saying, "Meruhcuh." And we cried out in rage as the World Trade Center crumbled to millions of pounds of dust along with a small part of our freedom. Then came the 2004 election and what was good for "Meruhcuh" was shelved, (just for the moment,) for what was good for the Republican Party. Soon after, Hurricane Katrina came ashore and that quickly became a question of what was good for the administration. Now, as both the House and Senate have passed the most recent war bill, it has come down to what's good for George. The American people are no longer even in his blind spot.

Listen to his latest comments. "I will not sign this bill," "This is not the bill I requested." It's all about George. I suppose it was inevitable. As a descendant of English Royalty, (for the uninformed, Bush is a descendant of Edward the First and a cousin of British Prime Minister Tony Blair,) little molecules of tyranny have been floating about in his blood since birth. No doubt the near future will see even more childish behavior from the First Ape. (Oh, and as someone who was affected by Hurricane Katrina, I'd like to personally thank him for referring to the money delineated in the bill for Katrina Relief as pork. That was both tastless and tactless.)

Take, for instance, his spin on Iraq. He spares no expense making opponents feel bad if they don't play by his rules. To deny our troops the money they so desperately need makes any of his opponents un-American. Well, Georgie, you just submitted the budget for 2007 a scant few months ago. Now three months into the year you're telling us you goofed and need additional money. Was it an oversight? Did you have bad advisors? Or are you just doing it to make the democrats look bad?

And what about that whole extra troop debacle? According to Georgie, 20,000 more troops were needed in Iraq in order to secure a victory. Ignoring the fact that one month after he got his toy soldiers, he asked for another three- to six-thousand, and told everyone on Capitol Hill that if they refused to provide those troops, it meant that they didn't care about the 130,000 troops already over there. Georgie said it would send the message that "Meruhcuh" had no faith in what our boys were fighting for. Pardon me sir, but I think you had that backwards. I think when you first asked for more troops you sent the troops a message, and that message was, "I don't think those 130,000 numbnuts over there know what they're doing, so I better send them some help"

And here we stand now, debating the veracity and competence of an Attorney General Georgie demanded. He had to have Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales was the man that would make everything in the Justice Department all better. True, Georgie, he was your third or fourth choice, but Gonzales was the Ultimate Answer. Now it seems that he might also be a liar, or just incredibly stupid. And that whole 'serving at the pleasure of the President' bullshit... just stop now. You like to remind us that Bill Clinton dismissed all 93 federal prosecutors when he was elected. Indeed he did, but that fell well within the powers of his office. He installed who he wanted at the beginning of his term and let them do their jobs as they saw fit. You on the other hand, cherry-picked the few prosecutors who weren't doing your bidding and fired them in the middle of your second term. Oh, they had performance issues you say. According to their most recent job performance reviews they all passed with high marks. The only performance issues they had, were that they weren't performing the tricks you wanted them to.

The next two years will certainly be interesting to watch as the First Ape grows more petulant and loses his grip on both reality and the country. The press conferences will become more entertaining, I'm sure, but the concept and feeling of being an American will surely come with a sharp pang of guilt attatched every time George Bush opens his mouth. However, there is one thing that can help us ride out the First Apes' political death rattle and that is the fact that We The People are Americans. Not "Meruhcuns"