Alternative Politics

OK, so my 2008 Presidential non-campaign is a bust thanks to many states creating a tangle of red tape for write-In candidates, but have no fear, there are alternatives to the Palin/Obama campaigns. While the Big News Media relentlessly force feeds red and blue pills to the country every hour, there is a veritable rainbow of medication out there to cure your election ills. Come with us now, on a journey of discovery, through the world of presidential hopefuls for the 2008 election!

Let's start with Democratic candidate and probable victor, Barack Obama. Obama, the former media darling, has seen his numbers fall in the last week. Even though the choice of Joe Biden as a running mate gave him a much needed boost, he's been staying far below the radar. On the plus side, Obama represents "change" for the way the country is run. On the negative side, his association with racist churches and Chicago criminals make people think twice about him as a viable candidate. Right in the middle is the race card. He's a black man! Ooooh! Scary!

The fact is, he's only half black, and this should really be a strong point for him, bridging the gaps, bringing Americans closer together, but there are idiots out there that simply can't cross that Mason-Dixon line and admit that skin color means nothing. They can't bring themselves to vote for him because that would mean the end of the White Male American power structure. Face it Whitey, you're gonna have to pick your own cotton from now on. Evolve or die.

Next we have the Palin/McCain ticket. I liked McCain a lot in his first run for president. He was a maverick then, but alas, things change. (That must be the change he keeps talking about.) Years ago, when he had Bush on the ropes, the RNC yanked his chain and promised him the '08 nomination if he'd roll over and play dead for Georgie-boy. He did just that. Now, with the addition of Sarah Palin, his campaign is moving forward at breackneck speed, but there's a problem. She overshadows him.

As an example, let's look at recent Fox "News" broadcasts. Palins' speeches are broadcast almost in full. After introducing McCain, Fox cuts away to talk about other "breaking" news, often skipping McCain altogether. And Fox is the Republican mouthpiece! How can you vote for a man whose own party puts him on the back burner in favor of the running mate? Add in the RNC's thinking that women across the nation will somehow ignore the fact that Palin has only one year of governorship under her wing and vote the Republican ticket just because she's a woman… If I were a woman, I'd be incensed. Hell, as a rational, thinking human being it's offensive to me!

Next we have perennial also-ran and Christian conservative Alan Keyes of America's Independent Party. He failed to gain the nomination of the Republican and Constitution parties so he joined up with disgruntled members of California's American Independent Party, themselves a splinter group of the Constitution party. The AIP claims to be the third largest national political party by number of voters, but like the armed forces of the world, there's a serious drop in numbers after the first two groups. Keyes running mate is California pastor and radio announcer Wiley Drake.

Too old-school right-wing? Then how about a hip, new electronic-age party? The Boston Tea Party held their convention online in June of 2008 where they put their trust in Floridian Charles Jay. Jay is a former Libertarian who ran for president in 2004 with the Personal Choice Party. His running mate then was former porn star Marilyn Chambers. Jay, a boxing manager and promoter is running with Thomas L Knapp, a Missouri blogger and editor of the online magazine Rational Review. The Boston Tea Party is composed of disgruntled Libertarians and maintains ties to the Personal Choice Party through their website. Knapp is also a Libertarian candidate for Missouri's Second Congressional District.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to the U.S. Taxpayers Party formed way back in 1992, it turned into the Constitution Party in 1999. The CP also stakes a claim to the third largest political party by number of registered voters but we've already explained the drop from second to third so let's move on to their nominee, another Floridian, Chuck Baldwin. A former Republican, Baldwin is a Baptist Pastor and a sharp critic of the Bush Administration. He opposes amnesty for illegal immigrants and supports the 9/11 Truth Movement. This is his second nomination for president with the Constitution Party. His running mate is attorney and activist Darrell Castle from Memphis, Tennessee. Baldwin seems willing to tell the emperor he has no clothes, which is rare in a politician. I give you this quote from a column he wrote in December, 2007:

"Unfortunately, it has been the Christian Right's blind support for President Bush in particular and the Republican Party in general that has precipitated a glaring and perhaps fatal defect: the Christian Right cannot, or will not, honestly face the real danger confronting these United States. The reason for this blindness is due, in part, to political partisanship or personal aggrandizement. Regardless, the Christian Right is currently devoid of genuine sagacity. On the whole, they fail to understand the issues that are critical to our nation's--and their own--survival."

Jeepers! not only does he use the word 'sagacity,' but he uses it correctly! I don't mean by definition, but in regard to the lack thereof within the Christian Right. Color me impressed!

And then there's the Green Party, such as it is these days. Made up of little separate Green Parties in each state, Ralph Naders' organization has become steeped in disarray since his decision to abandon them in favor of true independent status. Regardless, their nominee is Cynthia McKinney, a former Democratic House Representative and Congresswoman from Georgia. Her running mate is Rosa Clemente, a New York community organizer, journalist and "Hip-Hop activist," whatever that means.

McKinney took Al Gore to task for not having "more than one black person around him at any given time." I suppose she was speaking of Gores' campaign manager, Donna Brazile. She also accuses George Bush of knowing the 9/11 attacks were imminent, but remaining silent because of his father's business ties to bin Laden's construction company through the Carlyle Group. Interesting reading, to say the least.

Next.

You'd think that with "Liberty" stamped all over our collective loose change the Libertarians would have a better time of things during an election year. Guess not. In 2006 the Libertarians ranked 5th behind the Republican, Democratic, Constitution, and Green parties. And they've been around since 1971! For the 2008 contest, they've hoisted former Republican House Rep and Congressman Bob Barr from Georgia. Barr is the epitome of Right-Wing Conservatism; pro-gun, anti-choice, anti-tax, anti-Wiccan and anti-gay. One wonders why the Republicans don't take a closer look at him. Barr's running mate is Wayne Allyn Root who, according to Wiki is a "business mogul, television celebrity, TV producer, best-selling author, and professional sports handicapper." So if they lose, at least he's got that going for him.

It's history lesson time! Remember Prohibition? That dark age between 1919 and 1933 when the only liquor you could find came from a bathtub and was served in dark, secluded speakeasies? Well the Prohibition Party does and they're still fighting to outlaw alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs and "commercial vices," whatever those may be. Amazingly, the Prohibition Party was founded in 1869 and has had a candidate in every presidential election since 1872! The PP fell into disarray in 2003 with the secession of Earl Dodge, their nominee since 1984, and a handful of other members. Legal battles ensued over the funds for the PP and Dodge's newly formed National Prohibition Party whose membership was reportedly limited to less than a dozen individuals.

The historic PP has nominated Gene Amondsen, a landscape painter, woodcarver, minister and activist from Washington State. He was also their candidate in 2004. His running mate is Leroy Pletten of Michigan, also the running mate in 2004. The seceded National Prohibition Party was to nominate Earl Dodge once again, but his death in 2007 caused them to adopt Amondsen as their candidate, however they are pairing him with Dodge's original running mate, Howard Lydick. So if you hate booze and cards, go with Amondsen, but don't be surprised if the Veep's have a no-holds-barred cage fight to see which one gets to serve. (That almost tempts me to vote Prohibition!)

Looking for reform? Try the Reform Party of the United States of America! Founded in 1995 by H Ross Perot, (remember that Giant Sucking Sound?) the only thing this party has been able to reform is their nominee every four years. Perot in 1996, Pat Buchanan in 2000, and Ralph Nader in 2004 are all well known names in politics but the need for change runs so deep these days the Reform Party is going with the flow and floating Tylertown, Mississippi resident Ted Weill. Weill founded his own party, the Independent Party of Mississippi, but in 1997 merged that party with the RP. He is running with Californian Frank McEnulty. It is hoped that the 83 year old Weill will breathe some much needed life into the Reform Party this season. Hey, it could happen…

Speaking of Frank McEnulty, he's also the presidential candidate for the New American Independent Party. Of course, this should not be considered a conflict of interest as he only signed on with the Reform Party in states where the NAIP cannot achieve ballot status. He has yet to choose a running mate but hopes run high that this can be accomplished before the election.

For you liberated social voters, there's the Party for Socialism and Liberation. Formed in 2004 by a splinter cell of the Cold-War era Workers World Party, the PSL is comprised primarily of Marxists from San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Washington, D.C. They have nominated Californian Gloria LaRiva, the WWP nominee in 1992, as their 2008 candidate. LaRiva was also the WWP Veep candidate in 1984, 1988, 1996 and 2000. Other than being a professional candidate, she has Translated a book written by Fidel Castro and produced some direct-to-video documentaries. The PSL Veep candidate is Virginian Eugene Puryear, a student at Howard University and Jesse-Jackson-In-Training. Among the many accomplishments in his young life are marches to free the Jena 6 and marches against the Iraq War.

If LaRiva and Puryear aren't Social enough for you, why not check out Socialist Party USA! (I picture dozens of teens in go-go boots and drab gray jumpsuits doing the Frug to balilaika music.) Although the SPU warns everyone not to confuse them with Eugene V Debs' Socialist Party of America, it's very difficult not to, considering the SPU was formed in 1973 by members of the SPA just as soon as the SPA disbanded. The trouble is that two other groups formed at the same time: the Democratic Socialist Organizing Comittee, (which would become the Democratic Socialists of America in 1982,) and the now defunct People's Party. The SPU apparently got the rights to the SPA's slogan, "Worker's Of The World Unite!" Or did they? As Socialists, the slogan technically would belong to anyone who wanted to use it, eh?

SPU is the only one of the above groups to enter a candidate in the 2008 presidential election with their selection of Brian Moore of Florida. (Moore is also the Liberty Union Party candidate, but don't let that confuse you. The LUP basically just picks the most popular socialist candidate and pretends he's running for them.) Moore, a former Republican, Democrat, Independent and Green Party member became a socialist in 2007 after opponents in previous elections kept calling him one. (Hey, if you can't beat 'em…) Moore is described on the internet as an "elected official" but as far as I can tell, the only elections he's won were in the eighties where he spent three terms on a neighborhood advisory council in Washington, DC. He is also a community organizer, although the communities he's organized are in Bolivia, Panama, and Peru.

Moore's running mate is Stewart Alexander, who once traveled to Israel to connect with his Christian past. Upon arriving, he was arrested for failing to travel in a group, Stewart spent the night in jail before being unceremoniously shipped back to the United States. He was told by the Israeli government that he is no longer welcome in their country in the future. That might hinder him slightly in the Middle East Foreign Policy area.

And if you aren't tired of the Commies yet, there's the Socialist Workers Party. I must admit that the SWP has one of the most interesting candidates. Ever. Róger Calero. Born in Nicaragua, Calero and his family fled to Los Angeles in 1985. And even though he was convicted of felony sale of marijuana in 1988, he obtained his Green Card just five years later in 1990 and is now considered a permanent resident alien. The SWP launched massive protests calling the conviction political harassment and generally annoying the US Government so much that in 2003 it dropped the conviction, released Calero and canceled his upcoming deportation. Now that's the fucking American Dream! His running mate is labor activist Alyson Kennedy from Indianapolis who, by contrast, is simply boring.

Oh, one more thing… since Calero was born in Nicaragua he stands no chance of ever resting his ass in the Oval Office La•Z•Boy, but the little guy has gumption, don't he!

And let's not forget Jack Grimes. (No relation to deceased Simpson's minor character Frank Grimes, that we know of.) Jack has not announced a running mate as yet, but as soon as his United Fascist Union Party picks one, we'll be sure to let you know. Grimes may or may not have co-founded the ARLP, (I tried, but it's so secret no-one knows what it stands for,) with fellow fascist Greg Zuby and may or may not have been kicked out of, or seceded from, the ARLP, depending on which gossip thread you read and/or believe. Both Grimes and Zuby are products of the United States Armed Forces.

Hey, didn't we mention Ralph Nader a few times? We did, but it seems the Party is over for Nader. On February 24, 2008, Green Party founder Ralph Nader officially announced his candidacy on Meet The Press as a true Independent. He is running with San Franciscan Matt Gonzalez, also a former Green Party member. I guess all the fuss and fooferall of other people distract Nader from his ability to rule, whether he has the One Ring or not.

Another true Independent is Transparency advocate Kelcey Wilson who announced his candidacy on his blog. Kelcey is sooooo cute! Not physically, of course, but his website, wilson2008.com, has such funny things on it. Like the eye-straining use of almost every font installed with Windows '98. Or the clever quotation, "The Ends don't justify the means - the means are also ends." What the fuck does that mean! (Or is that, what the fuck does that end?) His site also has a little feature where you can "watch" what he's doing now! 71 days ago, he liked yogurt! 54 days ago he was "totally flabulous!" I must say, I'm totally flimpressed! I guess we know where the flabulous yogurt vote is going.

And there are countless other independents across these United States: performance artist and frequent Jesse Helms target Frank Moore, (as yet unregistered with the Federal Election Comittee,) Ohioan political newcomer Donald K Allen, software engineer and MENSAn Richard Clark, small business exec Jon Greenspon, ad-man Steve Kissing, Nevada professor of logic and capital-letter-lover Brad Lord-Leutwyler, North Carolinan veteran Tom Millican, and minister/author/homemaker Ruth Bryant White, all running hard to be your next president.

So you see, you have alternatives, you have a brain, put the two together and shake up the system! If the next four years suck ass, you have only yourself to blame!

What The F...

Looks like my campaign is getting derailed. I decided to do some research on write-in candidates and it seems the great states of Louisiana and Mississippi do not allow write-in candidates. Most other states require a list of electors to be submitted prior to the election, (sometimes months prior,) in order for write-in votes to be considered valid. Some states also require fees to be paid by the candidate in order for him or her to be deemed acceptable. So much for free elections.

Sorry Joe, but your vote's gone too. Apparently I needed to file Form DS-DE 85 between July 1st and 8th with the Florida Department of Elections. Anyone with me for 2012?

For your educational edification: Write-In Rules By State

McCain: Phase II

Photo © M Styborski, All Rights Reserved.

Senator John McCain kicked off Phase II of his presidential candidacy here in beautiful Kenner, LA last night. It was a depressingly small rally for such a major step, but I believe this is due to the complete apathy of Americans today regarding politics. What kind of mindless drone passes up a chance to see a presidential candidate speak? Or are you all simply comfortable hearing the two daily sound bites the media give you? It's your country's future bubba! Stop sitting on your ass!

That being said, the rally was delayed slightly as traffic was heavy coming from McCain's fifty grand per plate dinner which featured a host of New Orleans' movers and shakers: Torres, Bollinger, Taylor, Jindal, you get the idea. That's a lot of money for a bowl of red beans. Hell, I got to speak to him for free.

The rally kicked off with Kenner Mayor Ed Muniz saying a few words and introducing the Tim Laughlin Brass Band which marched in to the tune of Second Line, Part II, followed by the Bonnabel Bruin Cheerleaders. Hey! I went there! But I don't remember the cheerleaders in my day being so short. Must be something in the water around here these days.

The Bruin Cheerleaders worked the crowd up into an almost perceptible state of interest with a few catchy numbers like, "Go McCain, Go!" before yeilding the stage to former Governor Buddy Roemer. Roemer came out with energy and spoke almost as if he were running for office. Perhaps he's targeting the Veep seat?

Then it was Governor Bobby Jindal's turn at the mic. He kept his speech short and to the point, explaining that after spending a weekend at McCain's home in Arizona, he invited the Republican nominee here to Kenner to kick off the next phase of his candidacy. He touted the Arizona senator as a hero, the son and grandson of heroes, and as the only clear choice for president, based on his distinguished record of public service.

After the appetizers were done, the main course took the stage and immediately thanked the people of New Orleans. Oops. It was the first of three McCain fauxs pas regarding his surroundings. Other than that, things went pretty much as expected.

(OK, a small rant here: When the fuck did Kenner become a suburb of New Orleans? Almost every major news outlet continues to refer to "John McCain's speech in a suburb of New Orleans." Look at a map for Christ's sake! Kenner is a city! Chateau Estates is a suburb. Lakeview is a suburb. We have a city seal. Do you know what's written on it? City of Kenner! And these are the morons you trust to report current events? Sorry. We continue with our blog with no further interruptions.)

McCain's speech, intended to upstage and overshadow Obama's declaration of victory in the Democratic race given at the same time, was not at all what I expected. It was predictable, mostly dry and aimed primarily at those who are already on the McTrain. He began by sincerely recognizing the efforts of Hillary Clinton but then quickly aimed his comments toward Barack Obama, specifically targeting his lack of experience and his dependence on a plan for an America that has not existed for over fifty years.

"...many of these policies were designed for the problems and opportunities of the mid to late 20th Century, before the end of the Cold War; before the revolution in information technology and rise of the global economy."

You can't argue with that.

McCain went on to answer accusations from the Democrats that he is running for Bush's third term, explaining his differing positions on the war in Iraq, and his policies on climate change and energy. I have to disagree with the Democrats that McCain represents four more years of George Bush. While it's true that he has supported Bush on certain agendas, that's the price he pays to become the Republican Golden Boy. It's the old "You Scratch My Back..." game.

McCain also took the Bush Administration to task for it's colossal failure during Hurricane Katrina and promised that under his watch nothing like that would ever happen again. He didn't elaborate, but I certainly hope that this means restoring FEMA to a full cabinet position, increasing their funding and not using the agency as a parking lot for big money contributors and golf buddies.

McCain continued to note aspects of Obama's platform and give reasons why they were flawed, always ending with, "That's not change we can believe in," or similar words. It was a classic example of repeatedly driving home a point. It was also about as exciting as a lecture on the migratory patterns of head lice, and for this the blame falls on both McCain and speech writer Mark Salter.

While Salter writes safe, effective republican prose, (and the speech does have it's moments,) McCain is simply not the type of speaker who can handle it. In all honesty, this speech sounded a lot like Kathleen Blanco gave it. Soft speaking, even tempo, slow pace, interminable pauses, and a chore to listen to. Like a teacher explaining lunchroom behavior to the Special Ed class. After preaching to the converted, McCain returned to speak to the overflow crowd who were unable to see the speech itself. He was more informal, more engaging and mercifully, more brief.

Unless McCain can start making some sparks, he's going to fall farther behind Obama in the excitement category. Obama already leads the categories of campaign funds, popularity, and not being a republican. The only category Obama falls short on is experience, but then, who cares about that in a Presidential Election?

For you lazy dinks out there who couldn't make it, here is most the speech, before CNN switched over to cover BO:

And The Winner Is...

By now you've all heard the collective thud of Mitt Romney's wallet hitting the floor as he dropped his political trousers in defeat this week. (And you all thought it was New Orleans' collective ass relaxing after Mardi Gras!) This leaves only a handful of front-runners in the Presidential election and since I'm coming off a grand victory in predicting the New York Football Giants as winners in Super Bowl Forty-Two I thought I'd let you all know the outcome of this years election in advance.

History will be made as Barack Obama will become the first "African-American" to sit in the seat of power in the Oval Office. (Not counting the plethora of butlers and maintenance men who planted their butts there in jest while working late nights while whitey was fast asleep!)

There, I said it. How can I be so sure? Well, for one thing, Hillary Clinton is dead in the water fund-wise. Like a collective husband married to a spendthrift, her core supporters are basically tapped out and unable to compete with the almost fanatical generosity of her chief rivals supporters. Obama simply has the Democratic nomination sewn up lock, stock and barrel but for the official word which will come soon enough.

Another sign is that the Clinton camp is the main source of rumours of a Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton ticket. The Obama camp, while not ruling anything out, tends to play off the rumours with a chuckle. A chuckle no doubt couched in the knowledge that Clinton is running scared and will do anything to keep Hillary's name in the same headlines relating to the Presidency.

But what about the Republicans, you ask? Well, there's not much to speak of there. Mike Huckabee plays well among the Religious Radicals and other splinter cells of what's left of the Republican Party but the Party itself has other commitments. (More on this later.) Ron Paul, my own favorite of those left in the running, is nothing more than a latter day Ross Perot with less money and more brains. Barring any major scandals from the McCain or Huckabee camps, Paul will keep surfing along powered by internet support until someone smart offers him the Veep position and that will more than likely be McCain unless Huckabee beats him to it.

Now about that Republican Party. I alluded that they have made other commitments and though I have no firm evidence, there is plenty circumstantially. Roll back with me to the 2004 election. Remember how John McCain was pouring on the steam and winning primary after primary? It was all the Republican Party could do to keep McCain from derailing a repeat for Georgie. He was almost in direct opposition with everything George Bush stood for and America was behind him.

Until he quit.

Suddenly McCain, at the height of popularity, retired from the race. Suddenly McCain threw his support wholeheartedly behind George Bush. Suddenly McCain agreed with George on all but the most minor issues. Suddenly McCain looked like he was taking one for the team. Or to put it in boxing terms; John McCain took a dive in the ninth.

Now I may be way off the mark here, but at the beginning of the 2008 race, (back in 2006,) McCain was a has-been, an also-ran. He was discounted by every media outlet in every market as someone who had absolutely no chance of gaining the Republican nomination. He was essentially treated as a likeable fellow, but a non-entity in the race for the Presidency, but here we are in 2008 and he's now the Republican media darling. How? Romney had the money. Giuliani had the popularity. Ron Paul had the Internet. What happened?

McCain has the Republican Party. It looks like stuffing your ideals in a sock and waiting your turn is paying off in huge dividends for Little John as the Republican Party is doing everything it can to assure him the 2008 nomination despite the outcry from hardline conservatives like Limbaugh and Hannity. And that's where the Republicans lose the election. The hardcore conservatives simply can't stomach McCain now any more than they could four years ago and the division his nomination will cause will be enough to send Obama to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the next four years and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Don't get me wrong... you can still vote, but the race is already over.

Congratulations Barack, make us proud! That's something Americans haven't been able to be since the 2000 election.

The Next President Is Dead

Well, his campaign is anyway.

Chris Dodd, the only candidate who had any semblance of true presidential bearing has dropped out of the running along with Joe Biden. While Biden really never had a chance, he was certainly more honest than most of the remaining field, but Dodd impressed me every time he spoke. No bull, just the facts and a straightforward way of speaking. And all it took to derail these two campaign trains was the Iowa Caucus. Ten percent of the eligible voters of a state which is primarily agricultural in nature and has an incredible majority of white voters. I guess that's why they call them "Caucuses." (For the slow witted, I'm referring to the fact that white people are classified as caucasians.)

Dodd was never viewed as a warm and fuzzy candidate by the Big News Media and therefore only made the evening news on the day he dropped out of the race. One more loss for American Democracy. As for the BNM itself, the FOX network has decided that America doesn't need to hear from Ron Paul in the next televised Republican debate. Even though Paul supposedly meets all criteria to appear, his views don't match up with FOX's "Fair And Balanced" ideals of Republicanism. In the Tit-For-Tat Department, ABC has decided to bounce Dennis Kucinich from it's Democratic debate. Both networks refuse to discuss why they exclude candidates, but the longstanding chestnut that "a line must be drawn somewhere" always surfaces. This essentially means that there are so many candidates, in order for everyone to have time to air their views, some of them must be excluded. Does this make any sense? Try this: In order for the candidates whose views closely resemble those of our board of directors to be heard, we're excluding the guys we just don't like.

With so many candidates on both sides it can indeed be a challenge to carve out a block of time long enough for everyone to speak, let alone hold the public interest, but the exclusion game is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Networks cite small polling numbers for certain candidates so they cut them from the debates. The next day, those same excluded candidates poll numbers shrink even more and the networks can keep them out of the next debate, and so on, ad infinitum. Now if you pay attention to trivial things like presidential elections you might know all the players well enough to make an educated choice, but for the passive sector of our nation, the ones who choose a president by evening news sound bites, all they're ever going to see is the top three front-runners from either side and invariably, those will be the candidates who speak the loudest yet say the least. It's an incredibly complex form of pandering in which a candidate makes broad statements designed to pacify and entertain the largest block of voters possible. Call it anti-pandering if you will, and when Noah Webster rises from his grave and adds it to his Unabridged Dictionary make sure you get my name right as the originator of the term.

Sorry. I digressed. Where the hell was I? Oh yes, exclusion.

So while the top tier of candidates is continually shown on the evening news and featured prominently at center stage in the debates, the bottom tier rarely gets news time and is excluded from the debates one by one and the gap in the poll numbers continues to widen. Next thing you know, your ability to vote for the candidate of your choice is defined by only two candidates, neither of which is willing or able to make a clear statement on any issue other than love of family and how terrible it would be for their opponent to win. Some process, huh?

This is all part of how the two-party system is killing America and the BNM is doing all it can to ensure that the power stays in the hands of the powerful. Don't believe me? Next time you hear a candidate speaking, count the number of times they say "for the American People" and compare it to how often they say "for the Democratic/Republican Party" and you'll get a pretty good idea where their interests really lie. And speaking of lies... well, we won't get into that here. It's just too easy.

The Reprobate In 2008!

Recently, an anonymous poster to this blog said they'd vote for me for President of the United States. Therefore, in the interests of giving the People what they want, I am pleased to announce my intention to run for President! Drop the bunting, toss the confetti and strike up the band!

So I've got one down and 324,999,999 to go!

But then we need to subtract the kids, they can't vote, so that makes about 205 million to go. And then there are the independent and non-party voters who should be an easy swing, so that leaves only 130 million. And as we all know, the ladies love me, so that leaves about 65 million voters I need to convince. But I'm a cat person, so I should be able to swing at least half of the cat owners in the U.S., so that drops it to about 30 million.

Ahh, but then there are felons, illegal aliens and foreign nationals who can't vote, so that leaves around 15 million. But the election isn't until next November, so if I subtract the infirm and the one person who dies every twelve seconds in this country there's only 10 million to go. And I should be able to nearly sweep my home state of Louisiana and my birth state of Pennsylvania. Let's say 75% there so that leaves 400,000 to go. And let's not forget the 385,000 or so Polish-Americans of voting age. That should bring it down to 15,000. And on my Flickr site, I have over 14,000 views, so I'm sure I can count on those folks for support, leaving just 1000 voters to swing.

But wait! Voter turnout hovers somewhere at a miserable 60% which means that all I need is around 70,000,000 votes to win the popular and electoral votes, but as we can see, I'm well over that. In fact, it's a freaking landslide. 224,999,000 to 1000! On behlf of the many people who helped make this victory possible, I thank you. You are all invited to the Inaugural Party. BYOB, of course!

Remember... "Vote early and often!"
-Al Capone