Look At That Big Distracting Thing Over There!

Recently, Republican spin doctors have been sending out cute little e-mails regarding the warmongering nature of the Democratic Party, citing that the last four major wars America has been involved in and the fact that there were Democrats sitting in the Oval Office at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. This is an interesting smear campaign, and one that is a perfect lesson in misdirection.

The spin goes something like this:

U.S. Presidents taking us to WAR
A historical review
(In case you thought that
Republicans were the warmongers)

World War I - 1917: 116,708 KIA
Woodrow Wilson - DEMOCRAT

World War II - 19141: 408,306 KIA
Franklin D Roosevelt - DEMOCRAT

Korean War - 1950: 54,246 KIA
Harry S Truman - DEMOCRAT

Vietnam War - 1965: 58,159 KIA
Lyndon B Johnson - DEMOCRAT

Wow! That's pretty damning evidence there! Can't argue with facts, huh? Especially when the facts aren't even present in the equation. For all you denser kids out there let me drop some truth on ya...

World War I - Woodrow Wilson won his 1916 presidential election by promising to keep us out of the war, which started in 1914. It was only in 1917, two years and eight months later, that a captured telegram from Germany to Mexico, inviting our southern neighbors to invade us, that Wilson regrettably entered our country in the war. Time from entry until vitory: One year and seven months.

World War II - True, Roosevelt took America into our second global conflict. What's missing here is that it was after the Japanese sucker punched us in Hawaii, a full two years and two months after the conflict started. If anything, FDR waited too long to enter the war. Time from entry until vitory: Three years and eight months.

Korea - Our entrance into Korea was not designed by Harry Truman. We were already there and we were fired on first. The initial role of U.S. Troops was as observers and peace keepers, but due to tension of the Cold War, support of North Korea by the USSR, and constant attacks on our personnel, we had little choice but to defend ourselves and escalation was only a matter of time. From our entrance to the stalemate: Three Years.

Vietnam - Begun in 1959, U.S. troops were largely kept out of Vietnam until 1965 when we entered the conflict officially. By this time, the face of war had changed drastically. No longer could we send in troops, hand the enemy an ass-whooping, and walk out. Vietnam dragged on for eight years before we began pulling our troops out in large numbers; the first time we ever staged a withdrawal without a full victory, thanks to Republican Richard M Nixon. I don't fault him or the Republican party though. We were clearly in an untenable situation and retreat was the only vialble option.

In all four cases, U.S. involvement was provoked and began as defense of either our own lands or the lands of our allies who were being slaughtered by aggressive tyrants bent on domination by subjugation. Compare this to the current Iraq conflict, the only war started by America other than our own internal conflict, the Civil War, (unless you count that Manifest Destiny bullshit where we slaughtered American Indians, stole their land and wrapped it up in a bow to ease our own conscience,) instigated by Republicans, fueled by Republican fear-mongering and outright lies, and kept alive by Republicans continually changing the conditions for victory. But that statement isn't really fair; there are Republicans out there who are against the war and had nothing to do with it in the first place.

The real blame lies squarely at the feet of President George W Bush. True, he's not smart enough to have concocted the war on his own, he had plenty of people to do that for him; Libby, Wolfowitz and Cheney to name the major players, but as President, he should have had the balls to stare them down and do what was right and decent for this country and for the world. He had the power to stop it. He had the power to make sure our forces were aimed at the right targets. He failed. Miserably.

So here we are, five years later, mired in a losing battle and there are people out there e-mailing bullshit in order to make the current administration look better. While I don't begrudge them the right to try, (I still respect freedom of speech, unlike the current administration,) I do take umbrage at the cavalier disregard of facts, especially when our family members are half a world away taking bullets for oil. Oh yes, the oil! Did you ever wonder how we managed to win two World Wars with less technology and money than we presently have and in less time than the current war has been going on? Think about it. And when you're done thinking, do something about it.

This has been a Public Service Rant form the Nation of Morons. We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast day.

New Math

The recent report on the war in Iraq lists 18 benchmarks. 8 of these were ranked as failures, 8 as successes and 2 were ranked right in between. President Bush proudly waves this report in the face of the nation and calls it a success. Are you [bleep]ing kidding me? No matter how you spin it, that's just below 44.5%. A solid failure in even the most lenient classes.

But then, I'm not Georgie. Normal rules of conduct and common sense actually apply to me. George on the other hand is used to failing and coming out smelling like a rose. Just like when his Texas MLB club was failing, he made money by sucking in investors at "the right time." Likewise, his oil operations in the eighties were miserable failures but he did ok. (I think he owned the only oil companies to fail to make a profit during the eighties oil boom.) It must be nice to be blissfully unaware of how sub-par you truly are.

The new math of the Bush Administration runs deep. Ask anyone who worked in the Texas school system while he was governor of that fine state. His No Child Left Behind program was a rousing success and Texas had a record low number of high school dropouts. This was due to the fact that dropouts were listed as "transfers to other schools or districts." In fact, in a survey of 16 high schools conducted by the state, a field of 5500 freshman had only about 2500 students reach graduation thanks to Secretary of Education Rod Paige, (Houston school superintendant from 1994-2001,) a longtime Bush crony. The real success of NCLB? Paige fired principals who reported dropouts and gave $5000 bonuses to those who reported 0 dropouts.

I know, it's an old story. And it's obvious that America doesn't really give a damn because this all broke open as Georgie was digging a new ass groove into the Oval Office leather chair. I don't know who to be more sick of; the First Liar or you mindless [bleep]s who elected him. No matter how you arrange the numbers, the Bush Administration simply doesn't add up, but it certainly divides us well.

All About Goerge

I've noticed some things lately. First and foremost, that the United States is no longer governed for or by We The People. George Bush has finally managed to reduce the Federal Government to a one-man operation, and if you listen closely, you can hear the progression. By the way, you fellers in the Chevy Trucks with the gun rack in the window and the American Flag on the bumper can stop reading now. It's only going to piss you off.

It all started long ago when the First Ape railed against the terrorists. We had to get them because it was good for, as he is so fond of saying, "Meruhcuh." And we cried out in rage as the World Trade Center crumbled to millions of pounds of dust along with a small part of our freedom. Then came the 2004 election and what was good for "Meruhcuh" was shelved, (just for the moment,) for what was good for the Republican Party. Soon after, Hurricane Katrina came ashore and that quickly became a question of what was good for the administration. Now, as both the House and Senate have passed the most recent war bill, it has come down to what's good for George. The American people are no longer even in his blind spot.

Listen to his latest comments. "I will not sign this bill," "This is not the bill I requested." It's all about George. I suppose it was inevitable. As a descendant of English Royalty, (for the uninformed, Bush is a descendant of Edward the First and a cousin of British Prime Minister Tony Blair,) little molecules of tyranny have been floating about in his blood since birth. No doubt the near future will see even more childish behavior from the First Ape. (Oh, and as someone who was affected by Hurricane Katrina, I'd like to personally thank him for referring to the money delineated in the bill for Katrina Relief as pork. That was both tastless and tactless.)

Take, for instance, his spin on Iraq. He spares no expense making opponents feel bad if they don't play by his rules. To deny our troops the money they so desperately need makes any of his opponents un-American. Well, Georgie, you just submitted the budget for 2007 a scant few months ago. Now three months into the year you're telling us you goofed and need additional money. Was it an oversight? Did you have bad advisors? Or are you just doing it to make the democrats look bad?

And what about that whole extra troop debacle? According to Georgie, 20,000 more troops were needed in Iraq in order to secure a victory. Ignoring the fact that one month after he got his toy soldiers, he asked for another three- to six-thousand, and told everyone on Capitol Hill that if they refused to provide those troops, it meant that they didn't care about the 130,000 troops already over there. Georgie said it would send the message that "Meruhcuh" had no faith in what our boys were fighting for. Pardon me sir, but I think you had that backwards. I think when you first asked for more troops you sent the troops a message, and that message was, "I don't think those 130,000 numbnuts over there know what they're doing, so I better send them some help"

And here we stand now, debating the veracity and competence of an Attorney General Georgie demanded. He had to have Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales was the man that would make everything in the Justice Department all better. True, Georgie, he was your third or fourth choice, but Gonzales was the Ultimate Answer. Now it seems that he might also be a liar, or just incredibly stupid. And that whole 'serving at the pleasure of the President' bullshit... just stop now. You like to remind us that Bill Clinton dismissed all 93 federal prosecutors when he was elected. Indeed he did, but that fell well within the powers of his office. He installed who he wanted at the beginning of his term and let them do their jobs as they saw fit. You on the other hand, cherry-picked the few prosecutors who weren't doing your bidding and fired them in the middle of your second term. Oh, they had performance issues you say. According to their most recent job performance reviews they all passed with high marks. The only performance issues they had, were that they weren't performing the tricks you wanted them to.

The next two years will certainly be interesting to watch as the First Ape grows more petulant and loses his grip on both reality and the country. The press conferences will become more entertaining, I'm sure, but the concept and feeling of being an American will surely come with a sharp pang of guilt attatched every time George Bush opens his mouth. However, there is one thing that can help us ride out the First Apes' political death rattle and that is the fact that We The People are Americans. Not "Meruhcuns"