Next Time, Let's Elect The [Bleep]ing Hooker

Andy Warhol once said that in the future, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame. Well, it looks like David Vitter is getting his and he may have underestimated the effects of his one little sin. I confess, I did too. But that was before I knew that Jeanette Maier would actually come forward and out him. (I was just guessing in the last post.) That was before Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced that he was in contact with five other prostitutes claiming to have had sexual relations with the Senator. And sadly, it was before Vitter called in sick this morning on Capitol Hill.

Now I don't care if Davy has sex with sheep as long as he's not puffing up his chest and condemning all the other sheep-[bleep]ers in the country. If you recall, Vitter was an avid cheerleader for Bill Clinton's impeachment during the Monica Lewinsky scandal in 1998. He even went so far as to impugn Clinton's "moral fitness" to govern the nation, and this was less than a year before he began hooking up in DC. (At least five times between 1999 and 2001. Of course, it now appears he had been dipping his wick for some time before Clinton got caught.) Will he now resign his seat in the senate for the same reasons?

Of course not.

As I write this, I'm fairly sure that Davy's working on his next public statement. You know, how this has been a terrible ordeal for his family, (I can almost feel the botox being injected into his wifes face so we won't be able to see her grimace at him,) and how through their love and support he hopes to rise above this small mistake he's made. He'll then assure his constituents that this episode will not hinder his ability to effectively carry out his duties as a United States Senator and thank us all for our continued support of him. Then he'll share a very cold and awkward embrace with his wife and slink off before the mainstream press is allowed to ask any questions. I swear it just makes me want to cry.

But here's the catch: It has already hindered his ability to perform his job. Vitter's absence today comes at a cost of three missed committee meetings, two missed senate votes on the troops in Iraq a cancelled meeting with the man who runs our country, Vice-President Dick Cheney and his monthly radio appearance on WWL radio. So much for the Public Trust. It seems that Davy's not satisfied just [bleep]ing whores, but now he's [bleep]ing his constituents and the rest of the state as well.

Since this issue has come to light, we also see that hypocrisy runs in the family. After Bob Livingston was outed for his extra-marital affair in 1999, Vitter's wife Wendy was asked if she could forgive her husband if she were in the same situation. Her response: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. (Clinton) If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." Hmmm, perhaps that's why we've had no word from Davy. he might be undergoing re-attatchment surgery at this very moment.

At any rate, I'm not going to be one of those imbecilic reactionaries who call out for blood at the top of my lungs. If Davy wants to keep his job it's his decision. How much more damage can he do to the State of Louisiana. (Yes, I know what an incredibly stupid question that is.) However if it was me, (yeah, like I'm some aging fart that needs to pay whores for sex,) I'd step down and move to a remote island where no-one ever heard of me and quietly fade into history as just another lying scumbag in the annals of Louisiana Politics. Good luck Davy, your Warhol time is up.

The Honesty Of Spin Control

Senator David Vitter, R-Louisiana, has come forward regarding what he calls a "very serious sin in my past." Vitter's phone number appears in the records of former DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey. Breathe in the air of freedom Dave. Sweet ain't it? That's how us honest folks feel most of the time.

From Vitter's statement:

Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there --with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way.

Oh, wait a minute... you mean you didn't just decide to do this for personal peace of mind? Oh, I see, it's in regard to the fact that Palfrey has already released the contents of her Black Book. Wow. And I thought you had found your conscience. I guess you're just stepping up to the plate because you don't want this to interfere with your political career. That's understandable, but it may have been more effective if you had come forward a few years back when this case originally surfaced.

I suppose if your wife and family can forgive you, so can your constituents, after all, it was a moment of weakness, right? It only happened once, right? You only hung out with hookers when away from your family, right? You never, ever visited Jeanette Maier on Canal Street, right?

Right.

UPDATE: Looks like i was wrong there. Oh, wait, forgot about the sarcasm. Indeed, I was correct!

In the future Dave, please try to spend your time on Capitol Hill more constructively. You know, like working for the people who elected you. We sent you to Washington to improve our state and our lives, not to improve your sex life. Your salary is our tax money, remember? If you really want to improve Louisiana's economy, there are plenty of whores down here who can use the money. I mean, besides our local politicians. And remember, if you do happen to lose your job, you can always go back to beating up schoolchildren smaller than you for their lunch money. Just like High School, right?

Right.