Mister Weatherbee announced today that Moose has been removed from Jugheads' Bully List. Moose has promised not to beat up on the Archies anymore just like he has hundreds of times before, but with Moose's hair trigger and petulant attitude, it's sure to be simply a matter of time before tempers flare once more leading to an hilarious denouement. The deal was brokered by the Riverdale Student Council. Miss Grundy could not be reached for comment.
Jughead apparently wishes to graduate from Riverdale High with one positive notch in his belt and is currently grasping for anything that might make him look good. It certainly won't be easy considering his track record: the New Shoes Incident, the Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme, the Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident and the subsequently mishandled Operation Sparkle, not to mention the rivalry and feud with Central High.
•EDITOR'S NOTE•
We apologize for the confusion, but our newsroom fax line was apparently crossed with the sunday funnies WATS line. For the above story, please replace "Mister Weatherbee" with "The Bush Administration," "Moose" with "Korea," "Jughead's Bully List" with "George Bush's Terror List," and "beat up on the Archies" with "sponsor terrorists".
Also, please replace "Riverdale Student Council" with "State Department," and "Miss Grundy" with "Condoleeza Rice." Further, please replace "graduate from Riverdale High" with "leave the Oval Office," "New Shoes Incident" with "telling people to go shopping after the 9/11 Attack" "Missing Office Coffee Fund & Protection Racket Scheme" with "Wall Street Bailout," "Unfortunate Toilet Clogging Incident" with "Hurricane Katrina," "Operation Sparkle" with "Katrina Recovery Plan," and "rivalry and feud with Central High" with "invasion and subjugation of Iraq."
We at the Nation of Morons apologize for any inconvenience.
Showing posts with label War On Terror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label War On Terror. Show all posts
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Don't Mock Me!
A mock terrorist drill was held today near the river, simulating an exploded river craft and toxic gas. It certainly was comforting to see the news coverage of emergency vehicles proceeding slowly to the drill site and first responders casually strolling from victim to victim. A mock hurricane drill is scheduled in the near future. Sources report that Mayor C Ray Nagin has already purchased tickets to Houston for his family.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
All About Goerge
I've noticed some things lately. First and foremost, that the United States is no longer governed for or by We The People. George Bush has finally managed to reduce the Federal Government to a one-man operation, and if you listen closely, you can hear the progression. By the way, you fellers in the Chevy Trucks with the gun rack in the window and the American Flag on the bumper can stop reading now. It's only going to piss you off.
It all started long ago when the First Ape railed against the terrorists. We had to get them because it was good for, as he is so fond of saying, "Meruhcuh." And we cried out in rage as the World Trade Center crumbled to millions of pounds of dust along with a small part of our freedom. Then came the 2004 election and what was good for "Meruhcuh" was shelved, (just for the moment,) for what was good for the Republican Party. Soon after, Hurricane Katrina came ashore and that quickly became a question of what was good for the administration. Now, as both the House and Senate have passed the most recent war bill, it has come down to what's good for George. The American people are no longer even in his blind spot.
Listen to his latest comments. "I will not sign this bill," "This is not the bill I requested." It's all about George. I suppose it was inevitable. As a descendant of English Royalty, (for the uninformed, Bush is a descendant of Edward the First and a cousin of British Prime Minister Tony Blair,) little molecules of tyranny have been floating about in his blood since birth. No doubt the near future will see even more childish behavior from the First Ape. (Oh, and as someone who was affected by Hurricane Katrina, I'd like to personally thank him for referring to the money delineated in the bill for Katrina Relief as pork. That was both tastless and tactless.)
Take, for instance, his spin on Iraq. He spares no expense making opponents feel bad if they don't play by his rules. To deny our troops the money they so desperately need makes any of his opponents un-American. Well, Georgie, you just submitted the budget for 2007 a scant few months ago. Now three months into the year you're telling us you goofed and need additional money. Was it an oversight? Did you have bad advisors? Or are you just doing it to make the democrats look bad?
And what about that whole extra troop debacle? According to Georgie, 20,000 more troops were needed in Iraq in order to secure a victory. Ignoring the fact that one month after he got his toy soldiers, he asked for another three- to six-thousand, and told everyone on Capitol Hill that if they refused to provide those troops, it meant that they didn't care about the 130,000 troops already over there. Georgie said it would send the message that "Meruhcuh" had no faith in what our boys were fighting for. Pardon me sir, but I think you had that backwards. I think when you first asked for more troops you sent the troops a message, and that message was, "I don't think those 130,000 numbnuts over there know what they're doing, so I better send them some help"
And here we stand now, debating the veracity and competence of an Attorney General Georgie demanded. He had to have Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales was the man that would make everything in the Justice Department all better. True, Georgie, he was your third or fourth choice, but Gonzales was the Ultimate Answer. Now it seems that he might also be a liar, or just incredibly stupid. And that whole 'serving at the pleasure of the President' bullshit... just stop now. You like to remind us that Bill Clinton dismissed all 93 federal prosecutors when he was elected. Indeed he did, but that fell well within the powers of his office. He installed who he wanted at the beginning of his term and let them do their jobs as they saw fit. You on the other hand, cherry-picked the few prosecutors who weren't doing your bidding and fired them in the middle of your second term. Oh, they had performance issues you say. According to their most recent job performance reviews they all passed with high marks. The only performance issues they had, were that they weren't performing the tricks you wanted them to.
The next two years will certainly be interesting to watch as the First Ape grows more petulant and loses his grip on both reality and the country. The press conferences will become more entertaining, I'm sure, but the concept and feeling of being an American will surely come with a sharp pang of guilt attatched every time George Bush opens his mouth. However, there is one thing that can help us ride out the First Apes' political death rattle and that is the fact that We The People are Americans. Not "Meruhcuns"
It all started long ago when the First Ape railed against the terrorists. We had to get them because it was good for, as he is so fond of saying, "Meruhcuh." And we cried out in rage as the World Trade Center crumbled to millions of pounds of dust along with a small part of our freedom. Then came the 2004 election and what was good for "Meruhcuh" was shelved, (just for the moment,) for what was good for the Republican Party. Soon after, Hurricane Katrina came ashore and that quickly became a question of what was good for the administration. Now, as both the House and Senate have passed the most recent war bill, it has come down to what's good for George. The American people are no longer even in his blind spot.
Listen to his latest comments. "I will not sign this bill," "This is not the bill I requested." It's all about George. I suppose it was inevitable. As a descendant of English Royalty, (for the uninformed, Bush is a descendant of Edward the First and a cousin of British Prime Minister Tony Blair,) little molecules of tyranny have been floating about in his blood since birth. No doubt the near future will see even more childish behavior from the First Ape. (Oh, and as someone who was affected by Hurricane Katrina, I'd like to personally thank him for referring to the money delineated in the bill for Katrina Relief as pork. That was both tastless and tactless.)
Take, for instance, his spin on Iraq. He spares no expense making opponents feel bad if they don't play by his rules. To deny our troops the money they so desperately need makes any of his opponents un-American. Well, Georgie, you just submitted the budget for 2007 a scant few months ago. Now three months into the year you're telling us you goofed and need additional money. Was it an oversight? Did you have bad advisors? Or are you just doing it to make the democrats look bad?
And what about that whole extra troop debacle? According to Georgie, 20,000 more troops were needed in Iraq in order to secure a victory. Ignoring the fact that one month after he got his toy soldiers, he asked for another three- to six-thousand, and told everyone on Capitol Hill that if they refused to provide those troops, it meant that they didn't care about the 130,000 troops already over there. Georgie said it would send the message that "Meruhcuh" had no faith in what our boys were fighting for. Pardon me sir, but I think you had that backwards. I think when you first asked for more troops you sent the troops a message, and that message was, "I don't think those 130,000 numbnuts over there know what they're doing, so I better send them some help"
And here we stand now, debating the veracity and competence of an Attorney General Georgie demanded. He had to have Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales was the man that would make everything in the Justice Department all better. True, Georgie, he was your third or fourth choice, but Gonzales was the Ultimate Answer. Now it seems that he might also be a liar, or just incredibly stupid. And that whole 'serving at the pleasure of the President' bullshit... just stop now. You like to remind us that Bill Clinton dismissed all 93 federal prosecutors when he was elected. Indeed he did, but that fell well within the powers of his office. He installed who he wanted at the beginning of his term and let them do their jobs as they saw fit. You on the other hand, cherry-picked the few prosecutors who weren't doing your bidding and fired them in the middle of your second term. Oh, they had performance issues you say. According to their most recent job performance reviews they all passed with high marks. The only performance issues they had, were that they weren't performing the tricks you wanted them to.
The next two years will certainly be interesting to watch as the First Ape grows more petulant and loses his grip on both reality and the country. The press conferences will become more entertaining, I'm sure, but the concept and feeling of being an American will surely come with a sharp pang of guilt attatched every time George Bush opens his mouth. However, there is one thing that can help us ride out the First Apes' political death rattle and that is the fact that We The People are Americans. Not "Meruhcuns"
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