Are You ExJasperated Yet?

Presenting Ms Sharon Jasper: Welfare Poster Queen

By now this welfare whiner has been exposed for the useless piece of shit she is, but just in case you missed it, Ms Jasper has become an icon for the poor and downtrodden project victims you see on the evening news here in New Orleans. All she wants to do is return to her St Bernard Project crib where life was simple, but the Powers That Be are trying to destroy her lovely home. Since Katrina, she has been forced to live in the slum pictured above. Look at those terrible polished wood floors. And that teeny tiny TV she is forced to watch! It's a damn shame I tell you!

Further adding to her misery are the missing screens on her windows, the faucet with a slow leak, and a back door that doesn't quite close properly. Go ahead and squirt a few for her, I know you want to. It's amazing that the American people can allow thier tax money to be used so inefficiently to house this poor woman in such squalor. Yes, her rent is paid by a HANO voucher but it's simply not enough. Ms Jasper says she can't afford the security deposit on her "slum home" and her utility bills are just too high. According to her, she just "might do better out there with one of those tents," referring to the homeless tent city set up on Duncan Plaza.

Well I'm here to welcome Ms Jasper into the Nation Of Morons with open arms and a hale and hearty 'Go fuck yourself!' This woman is exactly what's wrong with public housing in America. She is surrounded with better things than most working people have in their homes, but it's still not enough. She wants more. In fact, she wants better. Here's another quote from Ms Sharon Jasper: "It's pitiful what people give you!" Really, that's a pretty pitiful 60-inch TV you have there Sharon. What would you prefer, your own walk-in theater? Howzabout I give you a pitiful kick in the ass sweetheart? Would that get you up off of it long enough to look for a job?

Oh, that's right, according to Ms Jasper, she can't work. I have yet to find out why, but I'll bet it has something to do with watching Judge Judy all day on that TV. Hmmm, did she ever think that the big TV might have something to do with her "high utility bills?" Or does she expect the electricity bill to be part of the gift of the TV?

Here's another gem from Sharon: "If you try to bulldoze our homes, we're going to fight... ...there's going to be a war in New Orleans." Perhaps the FBI should check Ms Jaspers' "slum home" for the equipment responsible for the flyers promising to burn down condos. If it checks out, I'll be awaiting my Crimestoppers check.

Now for those of you who think I'm being too harsh on Ms Sharon Jasper, I'll make her an offer. Move on up to the North Side of Kenner with me dear. You can have your own room in my stylish Chateau Estates home, I get to watch your big screen TV and HANO can put your rent check in my bank account. Of course, The bottom four feet of sheetrock is still missing here, but we'll hang some blankets on the walls for your privacy. Oh, and since the walls aren't done yet, the city won't clear my request for gas service, so you'll have to take cold showers and baths, but at least the faucets don't drip. One other thing, without gas service, there's no heat in the house, but the doors all close properly so if we build a fire in the fireplace it should keep us warm. Except that the carpets and sofas were all ruined in the storm so instead of that terrible hardwood floor or those horrible cushions you rest your ass on, we'll have to sit on the nice cold concrete. Sound good to you? I didn't think so dear, so sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and pray that you aren't investigated for housing fraud you greedy welfare pig.

I usually like to leave my readers with a wry little comment at the end of each article to sort of take the edge off, but I just can't seem to do so here. The only joke apparent is the fact that we taxpayers allow people like Ms Sharon Jasper to get away with this kind of bullshit. Merry Christmas.

PDC To Big Easy: Fuck Off!

Once again New Orleans has been told, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off and die. This time by Paul Kirk (D) from the bi-partisan Presidential Debate Commission. Instead, Oxford, Mississippi will host the presidential hopefuls. Mr Kirk informed locals of the reasons our city was deemed unacceptable:

1 New Orleans is not technologically up to date.

Really? It seems to me you need some cameras and an internet connection. Is the commission saying that we don't have this? Or are they saying that we're too stupid to work the equipment? I seem to remember a few weeks after the storm when the President of these United States spouted heartfelt lies to us from Jackson Square. We had little to no power and even less people but that message got through. And we have no trouble beaming Saints games across the globe. Surely there must be another reason.

2 New Orleans does not have the hotel space needed for a major convention.

Really? We have enough rooms to hold the million plus visitors that came to Mardi Gras earlier this year. Ask the three or four major medical convention attendees that have visited us this year. And we seem to have plenty of space for the BCS Championship and NBA All-Star games, both of which are sure to draw ten times the crowd that a Presidential debate will. In fact, New Orleans can boast at least five times the hotel space needed for the debate, unlike Oxford, MS, which has only about half of the required rooms, forcing most people to seek accommodations in outlying areas.

3 New Orleans does not have a venue sufficient to host the debate.

Really? Well, of course the Saenger, the State Palace and the Municipal Auditorium are still somewhat in a state of flux, but we have the Superdome and the newly refurbished Morial Convention Center. But surely, to hold a Presidential Debate in either of those would just remind the Nation of the current administrations miserable failures during Hurricane Katrina. Surely the endless accusations and questions of the locals would be enough to dislodge even the hardiest hairdo of John Edwards no matter how much of his campaign money he spent on it.

Wait! I think that's it! It's clear that even though half of the combined Republican and Democratic candidates have made it clear that New Orleans should host a debate, no-one actually wants to because of the embarrassment factor. Neither party wants to be associated with the stigma of the worst Federal failure since the Hoover administration, nor do they want to be the party whose candidates are unable to explain why they are unable to help us out of the mess we're in. Can you blame them? Another possibility is that none of the candidates want to sit through the required photo opportunities with the ineffective governor, the absentee mayor or any number of the city and state officials with federal indictments hanging over their heads.

This is simply "safe" politics at its finest. Pick a town close enough to ground zero that says "We acknowledge the problem," but far enough away so that your candidates don't walk away with the stink of failure on them. Smooth move Paul. Apparently you did something to piss off your co-workers that they voted you the bearer of this bad news. In that same vein, I elect you to go back to your small minded little committee and inform them that they have all been admitted to a podium of honor here in the Nation Of Morons.

Thanks for nothing.

Writers On Strike!

Today in Hollywood, that shining beacon of intellectualality, the writers went on strike, (pardon me while I stifle a yawn,) the immediate consequences of which will be that talk shows and soap operas will shut down almost immediately. (Pardon me while I slip into a coma.) In a few months, when the current seasons of most Prime Time shows near the finalé point, we may be subjected to... (brace yourselves...) Re-Runs!!!!

Now I'll admit to being hooked on Heroes and Lost, and pretty much the lion's share of NBC's Thursday Night line-up, (Earl, the Office, Scrubs and 30 Rock,) but otherwise, who freaking cares? Most of the stuff I watch comes from PBS by way of London, New York and Boston. Truly 98% of new television is comprised of one sitcom, one drama and one game show being presented in a myriad of wholly uninteresting ways.

"But I thought talk shows were about people talking?" you say? Yeah. Leno comes up with that stuff on the fly because despite the millions of dollars he makes, he's still deeply interested in whose lap Paris Hilton's pet rat crapped in at Cannes. If you think talk shows are all 'spur-of-the-moment' hi-jinx, you need to rent some Larry Sanders Show DVD's. Soap Operas? If you ask me, they have too many writers as it is. So many, in fact, that the networks have allowed these incoherent scribblers to ply their half-assed trade in Prime Time on shows like "Desperate Housewives" and "Ugly Betty."

The writers themselves do have a point though. They make just pennies on the dollar for what they do and next to nothing for DVD sales and net-casts. The studios see this as fair. "Hey, you got paid to write the episode, we can do what we want with it now." Not too cool, Selznik! Personally, If I were getting 16K per episode of "Two And A Half Men" and just recycling old "Three's Company" scripts, I'd keep my freaking mouth shut. Unfortunately, I don't make crap for what I write so the hell with the strike, my fingers will continue fumbling their way across the keyboard to bring you the very best in hard-assed, no-nonsense vitriol.

So here we are at the brink of disaster. Whatever shall we do? Well, I'm going to keep watching PBS. Oh, and there's always the alternative of READING A FREAKING BOOK! There's also spending time with freinds and family or indulging in a hobby. I have photography, poker, drinking and sex to occupy my time. But if you need to know what's going to happen in one of your favorite shows... use your imagination for crying out loud! You'll probably do better than the current crop of Hollywood Hacks and if you start blogging your take on your favorite shows, you might just get a lucrative contract as a studio scab!

(Let's see, A secluded beach on 'Lost' island. Kate and Sun are rubbing suntan lotion on each others naked bodies while two pounds of bacon crackles in a pan over a fire. A new character, 'the Styb,' walks out of the jungle, also naked except for his black socks, holding a Papa John's box and a twelve-pack of Coke and says, "Ladies... did someone order a pizza?" Kate and Sun look at each other and invite 'the Styb' to join them... hey, it's existential!)

Et Tu, Una?

Golly! I am shocked! Did you know that people on the Orleans Parish School Board might be putting profit ahead of our children! Una Anderson is the latest victim to have the misfortune of stepping in front of the 'Pampy' Express, a one way bus to Club Fed driven by Stan Barré, and driven hard. Barré faces a 10 year prison term for being involved in more than a few shady dealings during the Marc Morial administration which is one reason not to believe everything he says. On the other hand, Anderson is on the OPSB, so she has that working against her.

Barré claims to have delivered bribes to Anderson's hubby, Dave, from two trash companies, one of which eventually got the Orleans Schools trash hauling contracts. Aparently, three officers of Richards Disposal and Metro Disposal contributed five $1000 checks to Anderson some seven years ago at a dinner party given by Barré at his 7th Ward restaurant. Soon after Anderson's successful election to the school board, Metro was given the school contract worth some $525,000 per year. When questioned by the Feds as to why he was with his wife that evening, Dave Anderson replied shockingly, "it's normal for me to accompany my wife to dinner."

The Feds have been all up in Una's junk before, however it's usually for confirmation of other school board member shenanigans, like Ellenese Brooks-Simms who is also a hit and run victim of the 'Pampy' Express due to her acceptance of bribes in return for purchasing some crappy algebra program for the kiddies. Anderson has been one of the most outspoken board members on the subject of corruption and it's difficult to picture her accepting bribes, but then Oliver Thomas, (another Barré Express casualty,) pretty much fucked up everyone's optimism, didn't he? (In fact, Anderson claims she always suspected Barré of being corrupt. Oh, well I guess it makes perfect sense that you'd accept HIS invitation to dinner at HIS restaurant to meet with HIS buddies for "contributions." Yeah, that doesn't look suspicious.)

On the surface Barrés allegation looks questionable considering that Anderson is now in a run-off for her a State House seat. But add in that no other school board members received money from trash haulers that year. Also add in that Brooks-Simms, (already confessed to accepting bribes,) ran the meeting and motioned for Metro's approval and Anderson seconded the motion. Add in that there were only 8-10 people at that dinner party which neither Anderson admits to remembering too much about even though the other people there were representatives of two of the three or four companies competing for the trash contract. Add in the $5000 Anderson was given that night by those same representatives, (and she still doesn't recall the evening clearly?) and it starts to look a little strange.

True, on the surface, there's nothing wrong with accepting campaign contributions, but when those same contributors start picking up the hefty gubbamint cheese, well, things start to smell funny. They start to smell like garbage. Who do we have to bribe to get some honest politicians in this town?

Jordan Era Not Over!

Apparently budget paperwork is not the only thing Eddie Jack Jordan is incapable of filling out. Sources say that Jordan's resignation paperwork has yet to show up in Baton Rouge. This means that even though Keva Landrum-Johnson has officially taken over the office, Jordan might still be on the payroll. We all know how well bureaucracies work. If the resignation gets lost in the mail, we may end up paying this heel for the next six months. Everyone please check their mailboxes carefully and If you find his resignation, send it quickly to the State Capitol in Baton Rouge to help end the Jordan era of incompetence.

Jordan Resigns!

At 3:05 pm, CST, Orleans Parish Dumbass Attorney Eddie Jack Jordan announced his upcoming resignation. This brings a bright spark of hope that the DA's office will soon begin prosecuting criminals instead of hiding them out in their homes. To start, Jordan muttered under his breath, "There's quite a few people here, huh?" Well no kidding. You call a press conference to confirm your uselessness as a public servant and you think no one will show up? You're denser than I thought.

Eddie Jordan:
Good afternoon. After careful and prayerful consideration, I have determined that it is in the best interests of the citizens of New Orleans, the prosecutors and staff members of the DA's office, and my family, that I resign my position as DA of Orleans Parish. I hope my departure from the DA's office will facilitate, induce and encourage the resolution and satisfaction of the federal judgment imposed against the DA's office.
I am resigning not because I am a quitter, but because I honestly think that this painful act will help prevent further disruption of the DA's office, the criminal justice system, and our city's fight against crime. I hope my departure from the DA's office will remove the threat of the imminent seizure of the office's assets including the office's payroll accounts. The resolution of that judgment will permit the hardworking employees of the DA's office to maintain their focus on putting violent criminals behind bars, assisting the victims and witnesses of crime, securing restitution for homeowners who have been defrauded, and collecting child support for single parents and their children.

He then introduced Keva Landrum, who has been serving as his first assistant during Gaynell Williams leave of absence to run for former judge Charles Elloie's vacated chair. Elloie, if you remember, was the worst of the revolving door judges in the Orleans Parish court system, repeatedly giving defendants in his court innumerable second chances to repeat their crimes, some say for compensation. Landrum served as first assistant DA under both Jordan and his predecessor Harry Connick, Sr. The decision to elevate her to Interim DA is said to be motivated by the fact that she is not, nor does she plan to be, a candidate for the office in next years election.

Jordan then expressed his desire to spend time with family before returning to the private sector. It's funny how many public servants make this statement, but it does make sense. The people whose trust was broken want nothing to do with them, and those few cronies of theirs who haven't been caught yet are certainly going to keep their distance. That doesn't leave many other people to spend time with, does it? Jordan also stated that he has signed no agreements with private sector firms as yet. Anyone want to lay odds on him hooking up with one of Bill Jefferson's shady operations?

Keva Landrum addressed the throng of the Big News Media and assured them she would assess the financial state of the office. She also alluded to plans to restructure the office to emulate the best DAs' offices in the nation. She assured citizens that she would work more closely with the NOPD to ensure the safety of our city along the lines of agreements made earlier this year, and promised the community an open and accessible style that would allow them to see that the DA's office was run fairly and honestly.

Mayor C Ray Nagin then addressed the crowd, thanking Jordan for making this decision to ease tensions of all concerned parties. He also called citizens to task to move forward and not harp on the mistakes of the past. Really? So he's going to stop bitching at Governor Blanco, President Bush and the United States Congress for the total mess they have made of the Hurricane Katrina recovery? I didn't think so. He also assured the plaintiffs of the lawsuit that he will continue to work for a win-win-win situation for them, the city and the state.

When asked if the plaintiffs were unwilling to work with him in resolving the settlement, Jordan simply stated his belief that it would be in the best interests of everyone for him to stay out of the picture, hence his decision to resign. He also maintains that race was not a factor in his decision to fire anyone. When pressed on any aspect of the case his reply became a standard loop of, "I believe that this decision is in the best interest of the DA's office."

Nagin remains steadfast that the city is not in a position to help pay off the settlement, citing that the DA's office is a state run office which receives only 1/3 of its operating budget directly from the city. Secretary of State Jim Donelon disputes this saying that the City of New Orleans is the primary source of the office's income. Also according to Nagin, the Governor can call for a special election to replace Jordan during next years congressional election to fill the seat vacated by Governor-elect Bobby Jindal.

When questioned about the ineffectiveness of the DA's office, Nagin stated that "The problems... didn't start with Eddie Jordan, it's something that's built up over a number of years." An interesting statement in the fact that Nagin is basically saying that things did not improve and existing problems were compounded in the years since Jordan took office.

Jordans resignation will take effect at the close of the DA's office tomorrow, October 31st.

Eddie And The Cruisers

What the hell kids? I leave town for a week and you guys let the town go straight to hell. There's so much I can rant about from the ridiculously skewed elections to Derrick Sheppard getting caught in 'Dollar' Bill Jefferson's cookie jar, to California rampantly flaunting their disregard for global warming, but I want to take this opportunity to discuss Orleans Parish DA Eddie Jordan and the complete fiasco he has created.

In a nutshell, Jordan fired a whole mess of people from the OPDA's office as his first official act as District Attorney, the majority of whom were white and subsequently sued him. I cant track down the actual numbers, (what I find on the web list different numbers in each report,) but I think there were 43 total employees fired, 5 black and 38 white. Jordan defended this by stating that he hired white employees too, but when the numbers were revealed it was a direct opposite. 38 blacks hired and 5 whites. As I said, I'm not sure of the actual numbers, but I remember the color flip-flop distinctly.

Jordan, to this day, claims he's not a racist and this may be true if in fact he was operating under direct orders of Bill Jefferson as has been rumoured. This may be Jordan's way of telling the truth without telling the whole truth and implicating his buddy Bill as a racist and political manipulator. Regardless, Jordan has run out of appeals and is now faced with a 3.7 million dollar settlement to the po' white folk he unceremoniously dismissed. Well, that is the DA's office is. Jordan himself faces no punishment whatsoever! The onus of this lawsuit falls squarely on the taxpayers of Orleans Parish and the State of Louisiana.

Now the DA's office is in danger of being shut down because there is no money to pay this settlement. All across New Orleans you can hear people saying "So what? It's not like the DA's office is doing it's job anyway." and for the most part this is true. Jordan claims a 70-80% conviction rate. Others say that this number is closer to 30-40%. Without access to court records I can neither confirm nor deny this but one thing is certain: with all the crime in this city, the DA's office has only brought 77 cases to trial between July and September of this year. And according to Jordan's numbers about 25% of those end in non-convictions. Pathetic.

Jordan has recently been looking under the couch cushions of the Orleans Parish City Council and checking the pay phone coin returns of the Louisiana State Senate and House, looking for whatever change he can find for his office to help pay this settlement. Good luck, Jack. (No, really. His full name is Eddie Jack Jordan.) The odds are against a bailout unless he resigns, which he is reluctant to do. Lawyers for the plaintiffs state that the DA's office has the assets to pay the claim citing vehicles owned by the office and the salary for Jordan's driver as assets which could be sold or done away with. By the way, Jordan's driver reportedly makes $70,000 a year. (And they say there are no good government jobs!)

(Whoops, hold the presses... WDSU reports that Jordan is currently addressing his staff and may soon make a public statement. I'll let you know if I hear anything.)

As for the lawsuit itself, there are some really big unanswered questions which the Big News Media seems unable to even ask. First, how much of the 3.7 million is going to the lawyers who handled the case? True, they won and deserve compensation, but wouldn't waiving the fee, or at least the profit over costs, be the civic thing to do? After all, New Orleans is their city too and if the DA's office shuts down where will these guys practice law? (Yes, I know there's a difference between civil and criminal law, but the firms which practice both will indeed lose business.) They still get to go in the record books as victors and the press will anoint them as heroes if they follow this route.

Then we have the white guys. How many of them actually found work after being fired? How many just cruised around town waiting for their inevitable big fat settlement check? Indeed, they all deserve something for their ordeal, but 3.7 million dollars? Give me a fucking break. This whole lawsuit was designed by the lawyers for the purpose of profit, not justice. If the white guys wanted justice they would have sued the DA's office for the right to return to their jobs and the removal of Eddie Jordan and they would have sued Jordan personally for monetary compensation. As it stands, Jordan ain't worth much, (monetarily, or as a human being,) so they decided to go after the DA's office and it's big ol' bank account. You want justice? Give all the fired employees their jobs back, plus pay them for the time they missed working there, regardless of whether they had other jobs in the interim, and add in a bonus payment of about four times their salaries. (An extra year of pay for each year they were out of work.) The court system should be used for justice. Period. Not to play the home version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

As For Eddie Jack himself, why the hell is he still in office? As if this debacle isn't bad enough to get fired, he now faces an even bigger mess relating to an incident from a few weeks ago. 20 year old thug Elton Phillips allegedly robbed a man at gunpoint and fled. The victim jumped into his Hummer and gave chase until he was able to ram Phillips' vehicle off the road. Phillips and his getaway driver fled to separate houses in the area and guess where Elton went? Yup, straight to Eddie Jordans' place. It seems that Phillips is good friends with Jordans' girlfriend, Cherylynn Robinson, and upon arriving called his grammy to come pick him up, staying at the home only a few minutes. Jordan asked what was going on and Phillips said someone deliberately hit his car and ran him off the road. Jordan stated that "He was a kid... He really looked innocuous..." and then scooted off back to bed.

What the fuck? You're the DA of a major city and you don't call the cops for a hit and run victim? Are you really that incredibly obtuse? Regardless of whether you think this kid is a criminal or not, you call the cops to report an accident! Perhaps if Jordan had acted apropriately, NOPD Detective Thelonius Dukes and his wife would not have been shot and robbed by Elton Phillips and his gangsta-nigga buddies the very next morning. Detective Dukes remains in critical condition from gunshots to the leg and lower torso. His wife was shot in the foot. Parts of the home invasion were captured by security cameras at the Dukes home.

I tell ya, you can't swing a prosthetic limb in this post without knocking over a fistful of Morons. And the sad part is we let this happen! We read the stories, we watch the news reports, then we shake our heads and say, "Wow, that's fucked up." and get another moccha latte from Starbucks and check the baseball scores. We need to make a stand as one and demand accountability from the so-called 'leaders' not just in New Orleans but across this country, and until we do, we're all at risk from Morons like Eddie Jack Jordan.