This weekend, State Farm Insurance of Bloomington, Illinois, announced that it will no longer write new homeowner, condo, or renters policies in the state of Florida. The company claims it will continue to "honor" existing homeowner policies and write new auto insurance policies. Well aren't they just the most generous things!
State Farm mouthpieces claim this is part of a grand plan to manage company growth in Florida, but anyone can see it's simply a matter of selective greed. Auto policies are far more lucrative than homeowner policies, especially in hurricane prone areas. State Farm has simply chosen to cut their losses in the real estate market and concentrate on ripping off motorists. This follows a similar move by Allstate forcing Floridians to scramble for new policies. Last year State Farm began a strategic withdrawal from Mississippi as well.
In 2006, State Farm announced an 80% rate hike which was supposedly lowered to 52% by deliberation with Florida state officials, however many homeowners reported increases higher than 52%. Earlier this year, Florida lawmakers put pressure on insurance companies to lower rates by 9%, a move which seems to have been the final straw for State Farm, prompting the pullout.
Now State Farm has a right to cover who they want, where they want. If Florida and Mississippi are deemed "too dangerous," Fine. But, here's what I say: Fuck State Farm. In fact, screw the entire insurance scam industry. From the scumbags who sell "Hurricane" policies then refuse to pay off on them with the old "wind versus water" argument to the shit-heels who sell "full coverage" policies only to come up with things that indeed aren't covered after the fact. Fuck 'em all. You're better off without them, especially in Louisiana.
I had $80,000 or so in coverage on my homeowners policy but received about a third of that. Not bad considering the minimal damage to my home: about a foot of water and a roof with a huge hole, but I took a bath, (literally,) on the contents. Had I been an irresponsible, uninsured lout, I could have qualified for about $100,000 in state and federal funding, not to mention an ass-load of low interest, long term loans. True, I would'nt have been able to move back into my home for about two years while I waited for my government cheese, but that's cool to because FEMA would have picked up my rental and moving costs for all that time. Hell, I could have had a ritzy "slum home" like Sharon Jasper with high ceilings, hardwood floors and a brand new kitchen, all paid for by the Taxpayers of America. But no, I had to be responsible.
Don't get me wrong, not all insurance companies are full of crap. When we first moved here, my dad, (Rest In Peace,) split our insurance coverage between two of his poker buddies and our flood coverage was with Farmers. I can't tell you what a delight they were to work with. Just a few weeks after Katrina, my Farmers rep made an appointment to inspect my home and kept it. He walked through, scribled his numbers, gave me advice on clean-up and offered to cut me a preliminary check on the spot if I needed any money. I didn't, but the gesture was certainly appreciated. He was there most of the time when I called or e-mailed, and if he wasn't, he was prompt in returning the call. This guy must have never slept considering all the other people he had to deal with, but he was always there for me.
My State Farm rep on the other hand... missed the first two appointments, (infuriating, as I had to drive in from Jackson, Mississippi both times for nothing,) showed up late at the third, and almost never answered her phone. We did receive a relatively prompt payment from State Farm, but the overall experience was disheartening, to say the least. (OK, she was an incredible ditz, and strangely enough, she was a blonde.)
Well, I seem to have gotten slightly off track here, but I must say the venting has made me feel a little better. Suffice it to say that any new policies I get will be with Farmers. Yes, even though I just suggested being a leech, I can't seem to make myself do it. There's a certain dignity that comes from knowing you're taking care of your obligations. I can hold my head up high when Katrina discussions start up, (and here in Louisiana, they almost always do,) and proudly proclaim that I was not a drain on the system, that I was a responsible human being. Something that certain State Farm corporate bigwigs will never be able to do.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Your Tax Dollars At Waste
At a cost of forty-million dollars the US Navy shot down a US spy satellite from its decaying orbit. The satellite was shot down in order to prevent 1000 pounds of toxic fuel from falling to earth. Pentagon spokesmen are "pretty sure" the operation was a success.
Huh?
Pretty sure? For forty-million fucking dollars you had better be 100% sure. Not only was this an incredible waste of our tax dollars, it wasn't even a guarantee. If any of this crap falls on my house you can bet your five-star asses I'll be suing the Bush Administration in short order.
While the satellite was shot down from the Pacific Ocean in order to minimize debris landfall, the Navy reports that bits and pieces of debris may be falling for the next forty days. The Navy also reports that they have tracked no falling debris larger than a football. Hmmmm... somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.
Huh?
Pretty sure? For forty-million fucking dollars you had better be 100% sure. Not only was this an incredible waste of our tax dollars, it wasn't even a guarantee. If any of this crap falls on my house you can bet your five-star asses I'll be suing the Bush Administration in short order.
While the satellite was shot down from the Pacific Ocean in order to minimize debris landfall, the Navy reports that bits and pieces of debris may be falling for the next forty days. The Navy also reports that they have tracked no falling debris larger than a football. Hmmmm... somehow that doesn't make me feel any better.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
...Now We're Just Dickering About The Price
How much for you soul? What would it cost to buy your life's work? How much money would it take to make you a whore? For our beloved adopted Massachusettan, Emeril Lagasse, that number is 50-million dollars. Earlier today, details were finalized to sell Lagasse's non-brick & mortar empire to convicted criminal Martha Stewart. Stewart's Omnimedia conglomerate will acquire the rights to all television and print aspects of the Lagasse empire and Emeril will get 45-million in cash and 5-million in Omnimedia stock, though if certain benchmarks are reached the total could reach 70-million dollars. Lagasse retains his 11 restaurants and corporate office. The deal is expected to close in the coming months.
Our moles within Omnimedia tell us that Martha Stewart herself is currently ensconced in a huge kitchen surrounded by lab technicians and that they are currently working around the clock in an attempt to "de-spice" all of Emeril's recipes in order to make them as tasteless as possible to better fit Stewart's style. Omnimedia's marketing division has also retooled Lagasse's trademark "Bam!" to better fit within Stewart's world. Chefs will now be required to pantomime adding spices while screaming "Bland!"
Lagasse could not be reached for comment, but witnesses say they saw him "laughing" on the way to Hibernia.
Our moles within Omnimedia tell us that Martha Stewart herself is currently ensconced in a huge kitchen surrounded by lab technicians and that they are currently working around the clock in an attempt to "de-spice" all of Emeril's recipes in order to make them as tasteless as possible to better fit Stewart's style. Omnimedia's marketing division has also retooled Lagasse's trademark "Bam!" to better fit within Stewart's world. Chefs will now be required to pantomime adding spices while screaming "Bland!"
Lagasse could not be reached for comment, but witnesses say they saw him "laughing" on the way to Hibernia.
Friday, February 8, 2008
And The Winner Is...
By now you've all heard the collective thud of Mitt Romney's wallet hitting the floor as he dropped his political trousers in defeat this week. (And you all thought it was New Orleans' collective ass relaxing after Mardi Gras!) This leaves only a handful of front-runners in the Presidential election and since I'm coming off a grand victory in predicting the New York Football Giants as winners in Super Bowl Forty-Two I thought I'd let you all know the outcome of this years election in advance.
History will be made as Barack Obama will become the first "African-American" to sit in the seat of power in the Oval Office. (Not counting the plethora of butlers and maintenance men who planted their butts there in jest while working late nights while whitey was fast asleep!)
There, I said it. How can I be so sure? Well, for one thing, Hillary Clinton is dead in the water fund-wise. Like a collective husband married to a spendthrift, her core supporters are basically tapped out and unable to compete with the almost fanatical generosity of her chief rivals supporters. Obama simply has the Democratic nomination sewn up lock, stock and barrel but for the official word which will come soon enough.
Another sign is that the Clinton camp is the main source of rumours of a Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton ticket. The Obama camp, while not ruling anything out, tends to play off the rumours with a chuckle. A chuckle no doubt couched in the knowledge that Clinton is running scared and will do anything to keep Hillary's name in the same headlines relating to the Presidency.
But what about the Republicans, you ask? Well, there's not much to speak of there. Mike Huckabee plays well among the Religious Radicals and other splinter cells of what's left of the Republican Party but the Party itself has other commitments. (More on this later.) Ron Paul, my own favorite of those left in the running, is nothing more than a latter day Ross Perot with less money and more brains. Barring any major scandals from the McCain or Huckabee camps, Paul will keep surfing along powered by internet support until someone smart offers him the Veep position and that will more than likely be McCain unless Huckabee beats him to it.
Now about that Republican Party. I alluded that they have made other commitments and though I have no firm evidence, there is plenty circumstantially. Roll back with me to the 2004 election. Remember how John McCain was pouring on the steam and winning primary after primary? It was all the Republican Party could do to keep McCain from derailing a repeat for Georgie. He was almost in direct opposition with everything George Bush stood for and America was behind him.
Until he quit.
Suddenly McCain, at the height of popularity, retired from the race. Suddenly McCain threw his support wholeheartedly behind George Bush. Suddenly McCain agreed with George on all but the most minor issues. Suddenly McCain looked like he was taking one for the team. Or to put it in boxing terms; John McCain took a dive in the ninth.
Now I may be way off the mark here, but at the beginning of the 2008 race, (back in 2006,) McCain was a has-been, an also-ran. He was discounted by every media outlet in every market as someone who had absolutely no chance of gaining the Republican nomination. He was essentially treated as a likeable fellow, but a non-entity in the race for the Presidency, but here we are in 2008 and he's now the Republican media darling. How? Romney had the money. Giuliani had the popularity. Ron Paul had the Internet. What happened?
McCain has the Republican Party. It looks like stuffing your ideals in a sock and waiting your turn is paying off in huge dividends for Little John as the Republican Party is doing everything it can to assure him the 2008 nomination despite the outcry from hardline conservatives like Limbaugh and Hannity. And that's where the Republicans lose the election. The hardcore conservatives simply can't stomach McCain now any more than they could four years ago and the division his nomination will cause will be enough to send Obama to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the next four years and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Don't get me wrong... you can still vote, but the race is already over.
Congratulations Barack, make us proud! That's something Americans haven't been able to be since the 2000 election.
History will be made as Barack Obama will become the first "African-American" to sit in the seat of power in the Oval Office. (Not counting the plethora of butlers and maintenance men who planted their butts there in jest while working late nights while whitey was fast asleep!)
There, I said it. How can I be so sure? Well, for one thing, Hillary Clinton is dead in the water fund-wise. Like a collective husband married to a spendthrift, her core supporters are basically tapped out and unable to compete with the almost fanatical generosity of her chief rivals supporters. Obama simply has the Democratic nomination sewn up lock, stock and barrel but for the official word which will come soon enough.
Another sign is that the Clinton camp is the main source of rumours of a Clinton/Obama or Obama/Clinton ticket. The Obama camp, while not ruling anything out, tends to play off the rumours with a chuckle. A chuckle no doubt couched in the knowledge that Clinton is running scared and will do anything to keep Hillary's name in the same headlines relating to the Presidency.
But what about the Republicans, you ask? Well, there's not much to speak of there. Mike Huckabee plays well among the Religious Radicals and other splinter cells of what's left of the Republican Party but the Party itself has other commitments. (More on this later.) Ron Paul, my own favorite of those left in the running, is nothing more than a latter day Ross Perot with less money and more brains. Barring any major scandals from the McCain or Huckabee camps, Paul will keep surfing along powered by internet support until someone smart offers him the Veep position and that will more than likely be McCain unless Huckabee beats him to it.
Now about that Republican Party. I alluded that they have made other commitments and though I have no firm evidence, there is plenty circumstantially. Roll back with me to the 2004 election. Remember how John McCain was pouring on the steam and winning primary after primary? It was all the Republican Party could do to keep McCain from derailing a repeat for Georgie. He was almost in direct opposition with everything George Bush stood for and America was behind him.
Until he quit.
Suddenly McCain, at the height of popularity, retired from the race. Suddenly McCain threw his support wholeheartedly behind George Bush. Suddenly McCain agreed with George on all but the most minor issues. Suddenly McCain looked like he was taking one for the team. Or to put it in boxing terms; John McCain took a dive in the ninth.
Now I may be way off the mark here, but at the beginning of the 2008 race, (back in 2006,) McCain was a has-been, an also-ran. He was discounted by every media outlet in every market as someone who had absolutely no chance of gaining the Republican nomination. He was essentially treated as a likeable fellow, but a non-entity in the race for the Presidency, but here we are in 2008 and he's now the Republican media darling. How? Romney had the money. Giuliani had the popularity. Ron Paul had the Internet. What happened?
McCain has the Republican Party. It looks like stuffing your ideals in a sock and waiting your turn is paying off in huge dividends for Little John as the Republican Party is doing everything it can to assure him the 2008 nomination despite the outcry from hardline conservatives like Limbaugh and Hannity. And that's where the Republicans lose the election. The hardcore conservatives simply can't stomach McCain now any more than they could four years ago and the division his nomination will cause will be enough to send Obama to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the next four years and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Don't get me wrong... you can still vote, but the race is already over.
Congratulations Barack, make us proud! That's something Americans haven't been able to be since the 2000 election.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
NFL Playoffs
Just thought I'd remind you all that the Giants will beat the Packers, (sorry Maitri,) and the Chargers will destroy the New England Cheatriots Season of Lies. Chargers over the Giants in the Superbowl. Get your bookie on the horn now.
Hmmm... guess I spoke too soon. Looks like New England paid Norv Turner to do whatever he could to stop the Chargers from winning. Keeping an obviously injured and pained Phillip Rivers in the game even though he's unable to complete half his passes. Keeping a reportedly healthy LaDanian Tomlinson sidelined. Only three defensive players actually trying to tackle. How much does it cost to throw a game in the NFL these days?
Hmmm... guess I spoke too soon. Looks like New England paid Norv Turner to do whatever he could to stop the Chargers from winning. Keeping an obviously injured and pained Phillip Rivers in the game even though he's unable to complete half his passes. Keeping a reportedly healthy LaDanian Tomlinson sidelined. Only three defensive players actually trying to tackle. How much does it cost to throw a game in the NFL these days?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Swing Kathy! Swing!
Through tired eyes I caught part of an interview with soon to be former Governor Kathleen Blanco and I just had to blog this. In the interview with WDSU Channel 6, Kathy asserts that she is "probably the most successful governor in the nations history." She must be referring to the Nation of Morons because I think there are quite a few candidates ahead of her in the Real World. Baby, if you're so frelling great, why aren't you running for re-election? Exactly.
Blanco's office just released a final progress report citing improvements to Louisiana education, infrastructure and health care as being her lasting legacy. Well, she gave raises to teachers across the state whether they were merited or not. (Note: I'm not begrudging our extraordinarily underpaid teachers, but we all know there are quite a few out there who couldn't teach a baby to crawl.) And she improved health care along with Governor-elect Bobby Jindal by eviscerating the Charity hospital system leaving thousands of citizens without care, but off the taxpayer dole. Infrastructure? Yeah, I'm amazed she can pronounce the word without fo-net-ic-uh-lee written cue cards, much less divine its meaning.
Kathy attributes her greatness to the fact that she wrestled 20 billion dollars out of the Federal Government for Hurricane Katrina recovery. According to her, she had to fight hard for it. No kidding. I don't suppose it ever crossed her mind that the Feds were reluctant to part with that money for fear she would piss it away on trivial crap like her recent "upgrades" to the Governors Mansion. After watching her mis-handle pre- and post-Katrina related issues including the Louisiana Road Home Program, I wouldn't give this clueless bint change for a dollar. (Remember how it was always called "Kathleen Blanco's Louisiana Road Home Program" in the media until it began collapsing in on itself?)
Kathleen the Great will fade into the woodwork of her hometown, Lafayette, LA, where she will begin work on her memoirs. Can't wait for this one kids! Quoting Kathy from the WDSU interview: "There will be certain, uh, important passages in my book, telling about my personal experience." Important to who, honey? Blanco also says the book will concentrate mainly on Hurricane Katrina. Sounds to me like someone's trying to justify their inaction.
Toward the end of the interview, Kathy dropped a bombshell when she threatened a possible future run for office. She actually said "Never... say never... I will be open to opportunities as they arrive." Yeah, I'm sure people will be breaking down your door with offers. Do yourself a favor honey and don't quit your day job. Oops... too late.
Blanco's office just released a final progress report citing improvements to Louisiana education, infrastructure and health care as being her lasting legacy. Well, she gave raises to teachers across the state whether they were merited or not. (Note: I'm not begrudging our extraordinarily underpaid teachers, but we all know there are quite a few out there who couldn't teach a baby to crawl.) And she improved health care along with Governor-elect Bobby Jindal by eviscerating the Charity hospital system leaving thousands of citizens without care, but off the taxpayer dole. Infrastructure? Yeah, I'm amazed she can pronounce the word without fo-net-ic-uh-lee written cue cards, much less divine its meaning.
Kathy attributes her greatness to the fact that she wrestled 20 billion dollars out of the Federal Government for Hurricane Katrina recovery. According to her, she had to fight hard for it. No kidding. I don't suppose it ever crossed her mind that the Feds were reluctant to part with that money for fear she would piss it away on trivial crap like her recent "upgrades" to the Governors Mansion. After watching her mis-handle pre- and post-Katrina related issues including the Louisiana Road Home Program, I wouldn't give this clueless bint change for a dollar. (Remember how it was always called "Kathleen Blanco's Louisiana Road Home Program" in the media until it began collapsing in on itself?)
Kathleen the Great will fade into the woodwork of her hometown, Lafayette, LA, where she will begin work on her memoirs. Can't wait for this one kids! Quoting Kathy from the WDSU interview: "There will be certain, uh, important passages in my book, telling about my personal experience." Important to who, honey? Blanco also says the book will concentrate mainly on Hurricane Katrina. Sounds to me like someone's trying to justify their inaction.
Toward the end of the interview, Kathy dropped a bombshell when she threatened a possible future run for office. She actually said "Never... say never... I will be open to opportunities as they arrive." Yeah, I'm sure people will be breaking down your door with offers. Do yourself a favor honey and don't quit your day job. Oops... too late.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Welcome To The Nation Mark Kriegel
FOX Sports on MSN recently released a blog post from Mark Kriegel that bears closer scrutiny. You can read the original post here.
I was going to comment directly, but I really don't want to sign up for their spam campaign, so then I was going to use their 'Contact Us' option, but it only allows 1000 characters. Lucky for me, I have my own blog.
Dear Sirs,
Regarding Mark Kriegel's post today about New Orleans and the BCS Championship. Perhaps if he spent more time away from Bourbon Street he'd have something more to talk about than strippers and drunkards. A few corrections:
1. "the French Quarter was awash in dismally drunk tourists,"
The drunks on Bourbon street are rarely dismal, especially when it comes to the college football fans. More appropriate descriptives are raucous, flamboyant, enthusiastic, crazed, happy, and wild, any of which are infinitely more acceptable than dismal. Perhaps you can provide Mr Kriegel with a thesaurus before he attempts to paint any more "word pictures."
2. "Too tired to fling beads,"
Even though January 6th marks the beginning of Carnival Season, Mardi Gras is still a few weeks away and although thousands of tourists do indeed fling beads year round, bead season has not officially started yet. The locals here have a few words for tourists who fling beads out of season. The nicest is 'idiot,'
3. "clutching plastic goblets filled with neon-colored potions"
Most probably, Mr Kriegel is referring to the "Hand Grenade," an original New Orleans concoction available only at one of the three Tropical Isle bars or the Funky Pirate in the French Quarter. In fact, the plastic "goblet" is neon-colored. The drink itself is deep green in color, much resembling bile. Feel free to use dismal to describe the color of this drink.
4."With so many cops... ...trouble couldn't be far behind."
How irresponsible can you be? The police are there to ensure the safety of French Quarter visitors. There will always be the usual trouble when frat boys ingest alcohol, but for the most part everyone manages to enjoy themselves in a fairly responsible way. You make it sound as if certain death stalks every visitor in the city. On top of that, the words "trouble couldn't be far behind" are used in a foreshadowing context which is never fulfilled. Bad form, sir.
5. "a bad scene in a once-beautiful city, party-pooped drunks shuffling through that stalemated space separating the gangbangers and the cops."
Are you sure you weren't visiting downtown L.A.? Or are you simply so racist that to you, any black male in a sports jersey represents a member of the Bloods or the Crips? Please Mark, we have enough tension here without you starting the next big race riot. Stick to the sports and leave the editorializing to those more capable. Like fourth graders.
6. "Even the grand hotels have a Blanche DuBois quality, fading dames with their lipstick amiss."
This is a very pretty sentence. It's a shame you misappropriated a line which for the past half a century has been used to describe some of our historic plantation homes. Our "grand hotels" are all more or less recent constructions and are made of the same glass and steel box style just like they are in the rest of the world. They even have air-conditioning, mini-bars and room service.
7. "on this late stroll through The Quarter, it appears that the only businesses to thrive and proliferate in Katrina's wake are strip joints."
This was preceded by a statement of how Mark has been to New Orleans pre-Katrina. It must have slipped his mind that Bourbon Street has always been festooned with strip joints. Perhaps if he had walked one street over to the left or right he might have noticed the restaurants, art galleries, antique stores and historic buildings that also make up the French Quarter.
8. "but topless and even bottomless establishments seem pedestrian vices in a city where mere meals once qualified as sinful experiences."
For the record, "bottomless" in this context means without pants, shorts or skirt. Panties or thongs are required by law in all New Orleans strip clubs. Also, meals are still sinful experiences here. You just need to visit Arnaud's, K-Pauls, Brennan's, Galatoire's or any number of other fine restaurants we have to offer. Unless I miss my guess, I think you're trying to reference that brief period directly after Katrina when an MRE was a godsend or a blessing. If so, you failed miserably.
9. "I recommend you click on Charissa Thompson's piece from the 9th Ward, lest you think this place really looks as it does in those credit card commercials."
Wow! Charissa explains it all! Except she ignores some very real facts. Yes, the Lower Ninth is still a shambles, but I notice Charissa didn't bother to mention Brad Pitt's Make It Right project, which to this date has collected enough money to build 65 of a promised 150 homes in that area. Nor did she mention Harry Connick's Musician's Village in the Upper Ninth which has rebuilt or replaced entire blocks of homes. Look out of your hotel window again Mark. Our city looks exactly like it does in those commercials. You just need to open your eyes to see it.
10. "The population is down (from 455,000 before the storm to 288,000), but murders are up again, almost 30 percent. Since December 29, according to NBC, more Americans have been killed in New Orleans than Iraq."
Actually, the most recent numbers place the population at 320,000. It is true that the the murder rate has increased, but you should use the words "almost 25%." Murders rose from 168 in 2006 to 209 over the last year. A 24% increase, unless my math is wrong, which it's not. Nothing to be proud of but far lower than the 900+ American casualties in Iraq last year. And those are just military deaths. I think both you and NBC need to check your numbers again. Speaking of NBC, doesn't FOX have any statisticians? You had to use another networks numbers? Incredibly sad and terribly sloppy research there Mark.
11. "what struck me most was back on Bourbon Street: a sign offering lap dances at 'moderate prices.' Some things you don't want at a discount."
So after complaining about the strip clubs you're now going to be a snob about them? Does FOX overpay you so well that you can afford the Platinum Plan? It's a marketing gimmick, Mark. Just some cheap words they use to lure in the suckers, much like "fair and balanced." Ironically, another word for suckers is "marks." Interesting, don't you think?
After the these first few paragraphs, Mark finally gets down to the business of talking football. After a relatively uninspired discussion of the BCS Championship game he closes his blog by stating "College football players can't change anything. Nothing they did would drop the murder rate or raise the price of lap dances." Murder and sex aside, I've seen and read stories of a number of college athletes who have donated money, time and sweat to help many families and neighborhoods in our area and their help is greatly appreciated. Many college athletes devote precious time to young children in order to help them avoid lives of crime, and while this may not have an immediate effect on our murder rate, I guarantee it will make a difference in about ten years. As it stands, it makes a huge difference in the lives of those kids who might not have had a role model without the college athletes you so casually disregard.
Let me ask you this Mark: Other than writing line after line of offensive drivel in order to make our city and our citizens look bad, what have you done to help? Or are you just a bitter hack masquerading as a sports writer. Perhaps your next assignment will be more pleasing to you than an all-expenses paid trip to one of this country's most historic cities including tickets to the BCS Championship game. Maybe you can go back to biographies. I hear there's some interesting things going on in the lives of Barry Bonds and Marion Jones.
Welcome to the Nation of Morons, Mark. Don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way in.
I was going to comment directly, but I really don't want to sign up for their spam campaign, so then I was going to use their 'Contact Us' option, but it only allows 1000 characters. Lucky for me, I have my own blog.
Dear Sirs,
Regarding Mark Kriegel's post today about New Orleans and the BCS Championship. Perhaps if he spent more time away from Bourbon Street he'd have something more to talk about than strippers and drunkards. A few corrections:
1. "the French Quarter was awash in dismally drunk tourists,"
The drunks on Bourbon street are rarely dismal, especially when it comes to the college football fans. More appropriate descriptives are raucous, flamboyant, enthusiastic, crazed, happy, and wild, any of which are infinitely more acceptable than dismal. Perhaps you can provide Mr Kriegel with a thesaurus before he attempts to paint any more "word pictures."
2. "Too tired to fling beads,"
Even though January 6th marks the beginning of Carnival Season, Mardi Gras is still a few weeks away and although thousands of tourists do indeed fling beads year round, bead season has not officially started yet. The locals here have a few words for tourists who fling beads out of season. The nicest is 'idiot,'
3. "clutching plastic goblets filled with neon-colored potions"
Most probably, Mr Kriegel is referring to the "Hand Grenade," an original New Orleans concoction available only at one of the three Tropical Isle bars or the Funky Pirate in the French Quarter. In fact, the plastic "goblet" is neon-colored. The drink itself is deep green in color, much resembling bile. Feel free to use dismal to describe the color of this drink.
4."With so many cops... ...trouble couldn't be far behind."
How irresponsible can you be? The police are there to ensure the safety of French Quarter visitors. There will always be the usual trouble when frat boys ingest alcohol, but for the most part everyone manages to enjoy themselves in a fairly responsible way. You make it sound as if certain death stalks every visitor in the city. On top of that, the words "trouble couldn't be far behind" are used in a foreshadowing context which is never fulfilled. Bad form, sir.
5. "a bad scene in a once-beautiful city, party-pooped drunks shuffling through that stalemated space separating the gangbangers and the cops."
Are you sure you weren't visiting downtown L.A.? Or are you simply so racist that to you, any black male in a sports jersey represents a member of the Bloods or the Crips? Please Mark, we have enough tension here without you starting the next big race riot. Stick to the sports and leave the editorializing to those more capable. Like fourth graders.
6. "Even the grand hotels have a Blanche DuBois quality, fading dames with their lipstick amiss."
This is a very pretty sentence. It's a shame you misappropriated a line which for the past half a century has been used to describe some of our historic plantation homes. Our "grand hotels" are all more or less recent constructions and are made of the same glass and steel box style just like they are in the rest of the world. They even have air-conditioning, mini-bars and room service.
7. "on this late stroll through The Quarter, it appears that the only businesses to thrive and proliferate in Katrina's wake are strip joints."
This was preceded by a statement of how Mark has been to New Orleans pre-Katrina. It must have slipped his mind that Bourbon Street has always been festooned with strip joints. Perhaps if he had walked one street over to the left or right he might have noticed the restaurants, art galleries, antique stores and historic buildings that also make up the French Quarter.
8. "but topless and even bottomless establishments seem pedestrian vices in a city where mere meals once qualified as sinful experiences."
For the record, "bottomless" in this context means without pants, shorts or skirt. Panties or thongs are required by law in all New Orleans strip clubs. Also, meals are still sinful experiences here. You just need to visit Arnaud's, K-Pauls, Brennan's, Galatoire's or any number of other fine restaurants we have to offer. Unless I miss my guess, I think you're trying to reference that brief period directly after Katrina when an MRE was a godsend or a blessing. If so, you failed miserably.
9. "I recommend you click on Charissa Thompson's piece from the 9th Ward, lest you think this place really looks as it does in those credit card commercials."
Wow! Charissa explains it all! Except she ignores some very real facts. Yes, the Lower Ninth is still a shambles, but I notice Charissa didn't bother to mention Brad Pitt's Make It Right project, which to this date has collected enough money to build 65 of a promised 150 homes in that area. Nor did she mention Harry Connick's Musician's Village in the Upper Ninth which has rebuilt or replaced entire blocks of homes. Look out of your hotel window again Mark. Our city looks exactly like it does in those commercials. You just need to open your eyes to see it.
10. "The population is down (from 455,000 before the storm to 288,000), but murders are up again, almost 30 percent. Since December 29, according to NBC, more Americans have been killed in New Orleans than Iraq."
Actually, the most recent numbers place the population at 320,000. It is true that the the murder rate has increased, but you should use the words "almost 25%." Murders rose from 168 in 2006 to 209 over the last year. A 24% increase, unless my math is wrong, which it's not. Nothing to be proud of but far lower than the 900+ American casualties in Iraq last year. And those are just military deaths. I think both you and NBC need to check your numbers again. Speaking of NBC, doesn't FOX have any statisticians? You had to use another networks numbers? Incredibly sad and terribly sloppy research there Mark.
11. "what struck me most was back on Bourbon Street: a sign offering lap dances at 'moderate prices.' Some things you don't want at a discount."
So after complaining about the strip clubs you're now going to be a snob about them? Does FOX overpay you so well that you can afford the Platinum Plan? It's a marketing gimmick, Mark. Just some cheap words they use to lure in the suckers, much like "fair and balanced." Ironically, another word for suckers is "marks." Interesting, don't you think?
After the these first few paragraphs, Mark finally gets down to the business of talking football. After a relatively uninspired discussion of the BCS Championship game he closes his blog by stating "College football players can't change anything. Nothing they did would drop the murder rate or raise the price of lap dances." Murder and sex aside, I've seen and read stories of a number of college athletes who have donated money, time and sweat to help many families and neighborhoods in our area and their help is greatly appreciated. Many college athletes devote precious time to young children in order to help them avoid lives of crime, and while this may not have an immediate effect on our murder rate, I guarantee it will make a difference in about ten years. As it stands, it makes a huge difference in the lives of those kids who might not have had a role model without the college athletes you so casually disregard.
Let me ask you this Mark: Other than writing line after line of offensive drivel in order to make our city and our citizens look bad, what have you done to help? Or are you just a bitter hack masquerading as a sports writer. Perhaps your next assignment will be more pleasing to you than an all-expenses paid trip to one of this country's most historic cities including tickets to the BCS Championship game. Maybe you can go back to biographies. I hear there's some interesting things going on in the lives of Barry Bonds and Marion Jones.
Welcome to the Nation of Morons, Mark. Don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on the way in.
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