Thursday, January 28, 2010
Salinger Dead
JD Salinger dead at 91. The reclusive author died at his home (where else?) January 27, 2010. Let the Rights Wars begin!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Stop Nagin Now!
New Orleans' Mayor C Ray Nagin is on the road again but this time he's not racking up any International Flyer Miles. C Ray is attending the US Conference of Mayors this week in Washington DC where he will present his recommendations for changes in the Stafford Act to President Obama and key Cabinet officials. The Stafford Act covers financial and physical assistance to areas designated as disasters by Presidential order. One of the areas Nagin hopes to improve is the alacrity of reimbursement by FEMA for recovery projects which have been completed and paid for with non-recovery funds.
One wonders if Nagin is aware of the definition of 'completed". In the three and a half years since Katrina, Nagin has been tinkering around with plans and placing his cronies in key positions of recovery projects which never seem to come anywhere near completion. FOX8/The Lens recently ran an interesting story on Nagins' machinations which can be read here.
Nagin has reduced the Claiborne Corridor funding from 4.5 million dollars to 2.5 million citing that the money is needed for "shovel ready" projects, however councilwoman Stacey Head states that those projects in her district are indeed "shovel ready" but have been delayed by the Nagin Administration.
Interestingly, the Claiborne Corridor money has found it's way into the coffers of the Lake Forest redevelopment projects of Cesar Bugos, A close, personal buddy of, you guessed it… C Ray Nagin! Nagin says political alliances had nothing to do with the funding increase. Still, the Lake Forest project has gone from 4.5 million dollars to 9 million. Curious, no?
Nagin has also drained the Recovery School District coffers of 10 million dollars leaving its block grant account at zero stopping projects dead in their tracks. At risk are the Federal City military academy, the downtown international business school and renovations to the CAC. (So you see, the Mayor does have certain powers over education in the city.)
Add to this Nagins' recent funding of Sean Cummings' "Reinventing Sean Cummings" plan, his appointing of cronies Irvin Mayfield and alleged coke dealer and soft-core porn photographer Bernard Wade to head the Municipal Auditorium recovery and his continued attempts to buy the Chevron Building for a City Hall he'll never even sit in and you have one severely disconnected son-of-a-bitch.
I urge the City Council to do whatever it takes to strip C Ray Nagin of all powers and duties for the next four months. It becomes clearer each day that Nagin exists only for the profit of himself and his allies and I shudder at what more damage he may do to this city if allowed to continue his rape of the our financial coffers.
One wonders if Nagin is aware of the definition of 'completed". In the three and a half years since Katrina, Nagin has been tinkering around with plans and placing his cronies in key positions of recovery projects which never seem to come anywhere near completion. FOX8/The Lens recently ran an interesting story on Nagins' machinations which can be read here.
Nagin has reduced the Claiborne Corridor funding from 4.5 million dollars to 2.5 million citing that the money is needed for "shovel ready" projects, however councilwoman Stacey Head states that those projects in her district are indeed "shovel ready" but have been delayed by the Nagin Administration.
Interestingly, the Claiborne Corridor money has found it's way into the coffers of the Lake Forest redevelopment projects of Cesar Bugos, A close, personal buddy of, you guessed it… C Ray Nagin! Nagin says political alliances had nothing to do with the funding increase. Still, the Lake Forest project has gone from 4.5 million dollars to 9 million. Curious, no?
Nagin has also drained the Recovery School District coffers of 10 million dollars leaving its block grant account at zero stopping projects dead in their tracks. At risk are the Federal City military academy, the downtown international business school and renovations to the CAC. (So you see, the Mayor does have certain powers over education in the city.)
Add to this Nagins' recent funding of Sean Cummings' "Reinventing Sean Cummings" plan, his appointing of cronies Irvin Mayfield and alleged coke dealer and soft-core porn photographer Bernard Wade to head the Municipal Auditorium recovery and his continued attempts to buy the Chevron Building for a City Hall he'll never even sit in and you have one severely disconnected son-of-a-bitch.
I urge the City Council to do whatever it takes to strip C Ray Nagin of all powers and duties for the next four months. It becomes clearer each day that Nagin exists only for the profit of himself and his allies and I shudder at what more damage he may do to this city if allowed to continue his rape of the our financial coffers.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Breaking News From Iokon's PollNOLA!
Well, not really. In fact, they haven't done anything with the site since early December. It seems the wizards behind John Georges' own campaign website are unable to find any news of note on the heated 2010 New Orleans mayoral election.
From Iokon's own PollNOLA press blurb:
Currently, PollNOLA has front page headlines for six of the two dozen mayoral candidates who threw their hats into the political arena: Troy Henry, James Perry, John Georges, Nadine Ramsey, Ed Murray and Leslie Jacobs. (There's also a rotating headline that Mitch Landrieu may enter the race and Irvin Mayfield won't!) Two of those candidates, Jacobs and Murray, have already picked up their political toys and gone home. PollNOLA has no mention of their withdrawal from the election. In fact, the only lead stories on the site are about the candidates announcing their candidacies!
PollNOLA does suck the Twitter feeds from Henry, Perry, Georges and Jacobs, (Though Jacobs last Twitter update is her withdrawal back on December 16th!) but if you really care about the election you're following those Twits already.
PollNOLA was thrown together in late August, 2009, and has garnered an impressive four comments. Total. On 119 press releases and articles "selected" from other sources as varied as Hullabaloo Online, NOLA.com, WWL, Gambit and Your Right Hand Thief. You know, real sources with actual content. Of course, there's not much chance of people sticking around to comment at PollNOLA since most of these reposts are teasers that end with a "Read the full story here" link to the original article. It's easier to avoid plagiarism lawsuits that way, I guess.
One thing I find incredible is that a site called PollNOLA only has four actual polls on the site. Three posted on August 21st, 2009 and one from September 14th, 2009. Curious as to how they have helped to inform the citizens of New Orleans, I participated in the latest poll on whether Ed Murray's digitized-hype campaign video was a good thing or not. After choosing the option that I didn't care in the least, a cute little text sentence replaced the poll: "Thank you for your vote, all results will be displayed soon!" That was about thirty minutes ago.
So I wondered, with all the expense of hiring people to slap PollNOLA together, throwing in some content leeching code, buying a domain name through GoDaddy and protecting their identity using GoDaddy's pricey DomainsByProxy service and whipping up those polls that just don't work… is it all worth it?
Results for PollNOLA:
mywebsiteworth.com - $72
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $1,315
For comparison, I also checked HumidCity:
mywebsiteworth.com - $53
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $291,972
AmericanZombie:
mywebsiteworth.com - $1,082
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $230,230
and Nation of Morons:
mywebsiteworth.com - $25
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $18,719
And if that doesn't clarify it, Google:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46 Billion
websitevaluecalculator.com - $4 Billion
sootle.com - $3 Billion
So, I think we've proven that website value calculators are about as useful for website valuation as PollNOLA is for content, but if I ever sell the Nation of Morons, I'll be pointing prospective buyers toward my Sootle ranking!
Oh, it's been about an hour now and the PollNOLA results still haven't posted yet. What a surprise. Like anything else associated with John Georges, I suppose we shouldn't hold our breath!
UPDATE! 01-26-10 49 days and counting (a full seven weeks) since new content has been posted to PollNOLA. Clearly there is nothing happening in the 2010 New Orleans mayoral election! The main ad square is still available on their front page! The results from the poll I participated in have still not shown up.
In honor of this post being hung at the New Orleans Ladder I'm adding their worth for comparison to PollNOLA:
New Orleans Ladder:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $217,027
From Iokon's own PollNOLA press blurb:
IOKON Media is proud to present a quick and dirty little project that we’ve been tossing around for quite some time now. The project is called Poll NOLA and it was built in order to digitally track the reputations and press coverage of New Orleans Mayoral hopefulls for the 2010 race. Custom developed from the ground up, we utilized some basic WordPress features with a blend of our own creative programming, for an awesome collection of aggregated data from all over the web.Clearly Iokon nor PollNOLA has any concept of "soon."
We know it’s tough to track so many candidates, their websites, tweets, press releases, blog posts, Facebook announcments and everything else social that these Digital Media newbies have going on, so go ahead and pop on over to Poll NOLA where you can follow the 2010 Race for Mayor of New Orleans.
Currently, PollNOLA has front page headlines for six of the two dozen mayoral candidates who threw their hats into the political arena: Troy Henry, James Perry, John Georges, Nadine Ramsey, Ed Murray and Leslie Jacobs. (There's also a rotating headline that Mitch Landrieu may enter the race and Irvin Mayfield won't!) Two of those candidates, Jacobs and Murray, have already picked up their political toys and gone home. PollNOLA has no mention of their withdrawal from the election. In fact, the only lead stories on the site are about the candidates announcing their candidacies!
PollNOLA does suck the Twitter feeds from Henry, Perry, Georges and Jacobs, (Though Jacobs last Twitter update is her withdrawal back on December 16th!) but if you really care about the election you're following those Twits already.
PollNOLA was thrown together in late August, 2009, and has garnered an impressive four comments. Total. On 119 press releases and articles "selected" from other sources as varied as Hullabaloo Online, NOLA.com, WWL, Gambit and Your Right Hand Thief. You know, real sources with actual content. Of course, there's not much chance of people sticking around to comment at PollNOLA since most of these reposts are teasers that end with a "Read the full story here" link to the original article. It's easier to avoid plagiarism lawsuits that way, I guess.
One thing I find incredible is that a site called PollNOLA only has four actual polls on the site. Three posted on August 21st, 2009 and one from September 14th, 2009. Curious as to how they have helped to inform the citizens of New Orleans, I participated in the latest poll on whether Ed Murray's digitized-hype campaign video was a good thing or not. After choosing the option that I didn't care in the least, a cute little text sentence replaced the poll: "Thank you for your vote, all results will be displayed soon!" That was about thirty minutes ago.
So I wondered, with all the expense of hiring people to slap PollNOLA together, throwing in some content leeching code, buying a domain name through GoDaddy and protecting their identity using GoDaddy's pricey DomainsByProxy service and whipping up those polls that just don't work… is it all worth it?
Results for PollNOLA:
mywebsiteworth.com - $72
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $1,315
For comparison, I also checked HumidCity:
mywebsiteworth.com - $53
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $291,972
AmericanZombie:
mywebsiteworth.com - $1,082
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $230,230
and Nation of Morons:
mywebsiteworth.com - $25
websitevaluecalculator.com - $103
sootle.com - $18,719
And if that doesn't clarify it, Google:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46 Billion
websitevaluecalculator.com - $4 Billion
sootle.com - $3 Billion
So, I think we've proven that website value calculators are about as useful for website valuation as PollNOLA is for content, but if I ever sell the Nation of Morons, I'll be pointing prospective buyers toward my Sootle ranking!
Oh, it's been about an hour now and the PollNOLA results still haven't posted yet. What a surprise. Like anything else associated with John Georges, I suppose we shouldn't hold our breath!
UPDATE! 01-26-10 49 days and counting (a full seven weeks) since new content has been posted to PollNOLA. Clearly there is nothing happening in the 2010 New Orleans mayoral election! The main ad square is still available on their front page! The results from the poll I participated in have still not shown up.
In honor of this post being hung at the New Orleans Ladder I'm adding their worth for comparison to PollNOLA:
New Orleans Ladder:
mywebsiteworth.com - $46
websitevaluecalculator.com - $119
sootle.com - $217,027
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
More Answers
I received this in an e-mail the other day. I did as instructed and "pondered". Now, through the miracle of modern technology, I share my pondering with all of you
Thoughts to Ponder
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Yes, because if you don't see them they don't exist. Here's an idea: Try wishing that Public Housing had an "Avoid Ghetto" option. If enough of us wish for it, maybe the people who run HUD and other government housing agencies will figure out how to put people in temporary, low-income residences without building little gulags of murder and drugs! On the other hand, wish in one shoe, crap in the other, and see which fills up first. Perhaps instead of wishing, you could find a useful way to end the ghettoization of the poor, like actually doing some research on the candidates before you vote in the next election.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I suppose that would suck. If I was ever wrong, that is. The problem here is not that you're wrong but that you turn discussions into arguments. Here's something you can try: Before entering into a discussion with someone, try to look at the situation from their point of view. If that doesn't help, take a moment to review the facts before using the words "Wrong, moron!" so you can be absolutely sure you're not going to end up sleeping in your car for the next week.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Yes, because instead of napping as a toddler you could have been curing cancer or plugging that dad-blasted hole in ozone layer! Our loss, I suppose.
4. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Close to each other? They're on separate fucking lines! Touch typing is not difficult, nor is proofreading your correspondence before hitting that "send" button. Do you have exceptionally fat fingers? Or is the Cheetos grime so thick on your keyboard that you can't see the letters? I recommend a soft cloth and some warm water before you attempt further communication. After all, you don't want to look like an idiom!
5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Oh, I agree! There really isn't any good way to convey sarcasm in type!
6. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
Ever think that perhaps you really did understand it the first time and your brain is simply deteriorating as time moves you inexorably closer to old age and sweet, sweet death? Either way, you are not alone. This is a common disease known as stupidity. Millions of people suffer from it and it's the single most important reason that the Nation of Morons exists. To help rid the world of this terrible scourge, send your cash donation to the Nation of Morons as soon as possible!
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
You must be one of those Yuppies I've heard about. Well, if you're really having trouble, try this: Lay the sheet upside-down on your bed. (Or right-side up, it really doesn't matter.) Fold the fittings, (the parts that cover and tuck under the mattress sides,) inward. Now fold and straighten as you would an ordinary sheet. The parts which seem to be giving you trouble are now hidden from view and your neighbors won't think you're some smug Erika Pekkari whore when they poke around in your linen closet.
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
You're hired! I need a good porter and not one who's going to lollygag around all day with the fucking groceries. This is an exceptionally lucid and concise observation. Who wrote it for you?
9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
It's called a dead-man switch. There are plenty of programs out there which will wipe your electronic slate clean at a certain time if you haven't entered a password, or if you haven't entered a correct password. I suggest installing one soon, because face it, we all know that our "friends" are just waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can access all of the bribery-worthy shit we stupidly keep on our hard drives. Especially your friends!
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Because you are a fucking moron. Put the Blackberry down and pay attention the the road and traffic. It's buffoons like you that make insurance rates go up.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
I suppose not. But it's awfully nice to be able to hand-engrave invitations when you need to without forking over $650 to someone who wasn't napping in school.
12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between stupidity and you. No, wait… I don't. Let me clear this up for you: If you are eating some sort of foodstuff you are probably hungry, if you are engaged in an activity with no clear worthwhile benefit you are most probably bored. Next time you are bored, (you know, when you are not eating something,) try sticking one of those enormous fingers in an electrical socket. This should un-bore you in a jiffy!
13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
What?
14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Yes, and it's a good way to ruin the paint job on your car as well. Stop using vehicles as weapons… that's what weapons are for! Shoot the cutters tires out instead. He will then have time to ponder his insensitivity as he sheepishly walks to the nearest Goodyear store.
15. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Again with MapQuest? It's not their fault some lackwit keeps entering his home address when he needs to go somewhere. Here's a thought: For your starting point, try entering the last location on your route that you know how to get to! And stop blaming computer programs for your own stupidity.
16. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Most of them do. It's usually at the end of the first paragraph. Here's an example:
Some obits don't list a cause of death. this is usually because the bereaved family thinks it's none of your god-damned business, which is true. Really, if you knew the deceased, then you probably already know how they died. If you didn't, what the fuck are you reading their obit for in the first place? Sometimes the cause of death is kept private because it could be embarrassing, say, shot while robbing a liquor store or electrocution from jamming fingers into an electrical socket.
17. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Just ask those homeless guys downtown. Of course, the underwear helps to keep the inside of the pants cleaner awhile longer, but take my advice: Buy some laundry detergent and do a few loads, including the pants. Trust me on this one. And while you're doing the wash, pull out all the crap you never wear anymore and take it to a shelter. There are people in this world who need clothes more than you know.
18. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Really? I can. It was right before I opened this e-mail.
19. Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories.
Your life in a nutshell, eh? Tell us about the time the cops found you on the Saint Joseph's altar, naked and unconscious among the baked goods, with an empty bottle of Everclear in one hand and half a bag of Pat O's Hurricane Mix spilling out of your mouth. I never get tired of that one!
20. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
You both do. High school girls get sluttier because of bad parenting, loose morals and the Disney Channel. I'm not sure what your excuse but I have a feeling it's desperation.
21. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Obviously my anonymous e-mailer is Ray Nagin. Or maybe Aaron Broussard. Or any of the other worthless, self-serving miscreants you people elect to public office every other year. And that moment for most politicians is called 9 A.M.
22. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Not really, it's a fucking chair. And unless you're Karl Wallenda and the chair is precariously balanced on a piece of dental floss strung between the 88th floors of the Petronas Towers, you are seriously overestimating the hazard. Perhaps you should just lie down on the floor and wait for the planet to stop spinning.
23. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
That's because Word automatically selects keywords and data from your documents and transmits them to Redmond, WA where they are concatenated, compared and crunched with other similar data which is then processed into articles, papers, books and other reports and copyrighted to Microsoft. The "change" you get is the time-stamp Word adds to the document each time it is searched. (Believe it or not, Bill Gates has nothing to do with this. Paul Allen is the mastermind behind this particularly nefarious bit of scumbaggery.)
24. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
Could be because we're all trying our dog-gonedest to avoid you, you simpering, vain attention whore. I'm certain you're confident, but you may wish to check a Webster's for the precise definition of "looking good."
25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Indeed, they're incredibly bothersome to drivers and pedestrians, not to mention airline pilots, boat captains and astronauts. Are you sure this isn't more of a "thin, healthy person" hatred? Remember the following equation: Me-Cake+Exercise=Thin. After a few months you might even be able to fit on a bicycle!
26. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
And you probably have a digital watch. Hell, I can usually tell the time of day by the position of the sun. (Give or take three hours.) Ordinarily I'd say this was a problem, but since it's you I wouldn't worry too much. It's not like you have a job to go to or friends to visit. (But hey! If you clean those pants, that might change!)
27. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
Find your moms old brochures?
28. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
And yet every time we inevitably meet face to face you always begin with, "Hey, I called you the other day but you didn't answer." Honestly I wish you'd get a clue because I'm running out of excuses.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
What sort of imbecile can't find his keys in his pocket? You seem to have nothing but scorn for maps and timepieces. Remind me not to include you in any covert operations in the future.
For more snappy answers to stupid questions, you can check out this older post!
Happy New Year everybody!
Thoughts to Ponder
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Yes, because if you don't see them they don't exist. Here's an idea: Try wishing that Public Housing had an "Avoid Ghetto" option. If enough of us wish for it, maybe the people who run HUD and other government housing agencies will figure out how to put people in temporary, low-income residences without building little gulags of murder and drugs! On the other hand, wish in one shoe, crap in the other, and see which fills up first. Perhaps instead of wishing, you could find a useful way to end the ghettoization of the poor, like actually doing some research on the candidates before you vote in the next election.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I suppose that would suck. If I was ever wrong, that is. The problem here is not that you're wrong but that you turn discussions into arguments. Here's something you can try: Before entering into a discussion with someone, try to look at the situation from their point of view. If that doesn't help, take a moment to review the facts before using the words "Wrong, moron!" so you can be absolutely sure you're not going to end up sleeping in your car for the next week.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Yes, because instead of napping as a toddler you could have been curing cancer or plugging that dad-blasted hole in ozone layer! Our loss, I suppose.
4. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Close to each other? They're on separate fucking lines! Touch typing is not difficult, nor is proofreading your correspondence before hitting that "send" button. Do you have exceptionally fat fingers? Or is the Cheetos grime so thick on your keyboard that you can't see the letters? I recommend a soft cloth and some warm water before you attempt further communication. After all, you don't want to look like an idiom!
5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Oh, I agree! There really isn't any good way to convey sarcasm in type!
6. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
Ever think that perhaps you really did understand it the first time and your brain is simply deteriorating as time moves you inexorably closer to old age and sweet, sweet death? Either way, you are not alone. This is a common disease known as stupidity. Millions of people suffer from it and it's the single most important reason that the Nation of Morons exists. To help rid the world of this terrible scourge, send your cash donation to the Nation of Morons as soon as possible!
7. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
You must be one of those Yuppies I've heard about. Well, if you're really having trouble, try this: Lay the sheet upside-down on your bed. (Or right-side up, it really doesn't matter.) Fold the fittings, (the parts that cover and tuck under the mattress sides,) inward. Now fold and straighten as you would an ordinary sheet. The parts which seem to be giving you trouble are now hidden from view and your neighbors won't think you're some smug Erika Pekkari whore when they poke around in your linen closet.
8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
You're hired! I need a good porter and not one who's going to lollygag around all day with the fucking groceries. This is an exceptionally lucid and concise observation. Who wrote it for you?
9. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
It's called a dead-man switch. There are plenty of programs out there which will wipe your electronic slate clean at a certain time if you haven't entered a password, or if you haven't entered a correct password. I suggest installing one soon, because face it, we all know that our "friends" are just waiting for us to kick the bucket so they can access all of the bribery-worthy shit we stupidly keep on our hard drives. Especially your friends!
10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Because you are a fucking moron. Put the Blackberry down and pay attention the the road and traffic. It's buffoons like you that make insurance rates go up.
11. Was learning cursive really necessary?
I suppose not. But it's awfully nice to be able to hand-engrave invitations when you need to without forking over $650 to someone who wasn't napping in school.
12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between stupidity and you. No, wait… I don't. Let me clear this up for you: If you are eating some sort of foodstuff you are probably hungry, if you are engaged in an activity with no clear worthwhile benefit you are most probably bored. Next time you are bored, (you know, when you are not eating something,) try sticking one of those enormous fingers in an electrical socket. This should un-bore you in a jiffy!
13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
What?
14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Yes, and it's a good way to ruin the paint job on your car as well. Stop using vehicles as weapons… that's what weapons are for! Shoot the cutters tires out instead. He will then have time to ponder his insensitivity as he sheepishly walks to the nearest Goodyear store.
15. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Again with MapQuest? It's not their fault some lackwit keeps entering his home address when he needs to go somewhere. Here's a thought: For your starting point, try entering the last location on your route that you know how to get to! And stop blaming computer programs for your own stupidity.
16. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Most of them do. It's usually at the end of the first paragraph. Here's an example:
John Q Emailer, 45, of Internet City, an unemployed web-surfer, died of asphyxiation from a "Send" key lodged in his throat, in his low-rent apartment, Thursday at 9 A.M.
Some obits don't list a cause of death. this is usually because the bereaved family thinks it's none of your god-damned business, which is true. Really, if you knew the deceased, then you probably already know how they died. If you didn't, what the fuck are you reading their obit for in the first place? Sometimes the cause of death is kept private because it could be embarrassing, say, shot while robbing a liquor store or electrocution from jamming fingers into an electrical socket.
17. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Just ask those homeless guys downtown. Of course, the underwear helps to keep the inside of the pants cleaner awhile longer, but take my advice: Buy some laundry detergent and do a few loads, including the pants. Trust me on this one. And while you're doing the wash, pull out all the crap you never wear anymore and take it to a shelter. There are people in this world who need clothes more than you know.
18. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Really? I can. It was right before I opened this e-mail.
19. Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories.
Your life in a nutshell, eh? Tell us about the time the cops found you on the Saint Joseph's altar, naked and unconscious among the baked goods, with an empty bottle of Everclear in one hand and half a bag of Pat O's Hurricane Mix spilling out of your mouth. I never get tired of that one!
20. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
You both do. High school girls get sluttier because of bad parenting, loose morals and the Disney Channel. I'm not sure what your excuse but I have a feeling it's desperation.
21. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Obviously my anonymous e-mailer is Ray Nagin. Or maybe Aaron Broussard. Or any of the other worthless, self-serving miscreants you people elect to public office every other year. And that moment for most politicians is called 9 A.M.
22. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
Not really, it's a fucking chair. And unless you're Karl Wallenda and the chair is precariously balanced on a piece of dental floss strung between the 88th floors of the Petronas Towers, you are seriously overestimating the hazard. Perhaps you should just lie down on the floor and wait for the planet to stop spinning.
23. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
That's because Word automatically selects keywords and data from your documents and transmits them to Redmond, WA where they are concatenated, compared and crunched with other similar data which is then processed into articles, papers, books and other reports and copyrighted to Microsoft. The "change" you get is the time-stamp Word adds to the document each time it is searched. (Believe it or not, Bill Gates has nothing to do with this. Paul Allen is the mastermind behind this particularly nefarious bit of scumbaggery.)
24. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
Could be because we're all trying our dog-gonedest to avoid you, you simpering, vain attention whore. I'm certain you're confident, but you may wish to check a Webster's for the precise definition of "looking good."
25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Indeed, they're incredibly bothersome to drivers and pedestrians, not to mention airline pilots, boat captains and astronauts. Are you sure this isn't more of a "thin, healthy person" hatred? Remember the following equation: Me-Cake+Exercise=Thin. After a few months you might even be able to fit on a bicycle!
26. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
And you probably have a digital watch. Hell, I can usually tell the time of day by the position of the sun. (Give or take three hours.) Ordinarily I'd say this was a problem, but since it's you I wouldn't worry too much. It's not like you have a job to go to or friends to visit. (But hey! If you clean those pants, that might change!)
27. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
Find your moms old brochures?
28. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
And yet every time we inevitably meet face to face you always begin with, "Hey, I called you the other day but you didn't answer." Honestly I wish you'd get a clue because I'm running out of excuses.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
What sort of imbecile can't find his keys in his pocket? You seem to have nothing but scorn for maps and timepieces. Remind me not to include you in any covert operations in the future.
For more snappy answers to stupid questions, you can check out this older post!
Happy New Year everybody!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Akasia Lee Sentenced
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA-
New Orleans resident AKASIA LEE, age 36, was sentenced Nov 17, 2009, in federal court by US District Judge Mary Ann Vial Lemmon to five years in prison for her role in the conspiracy to commit health care fraud. In addition, Judge Lemmon ordered restitution of $3,977,288, a fine of $1 million, and three years of federally supervised release following imprisonment, during which time the defendant risks an additional term of imprisonment should she violate any terms of her release.
According to court documents, on March 19, 2009, Lee pled guilty to one count of a superseding indictment admitting that she and other employees of A New Beginning of New Orleans, Inc. (ANBNO) conspired to commit health care fraud. Lee, the owner/operator of ANBNO, a Medicaid provider that made claims for Personal Care Services (PCS) it claimed to have provided to Medicaid recipients, solicited mothers with children who had Medicaid benefits to apply for care. Lee admitted that after Medicaid approved the applications, false documentation containing employee time sheets and daily schedules detailing services rendered to recipients was created by employees of ANBNO and parents of the Medicaid recipient children. Lee admitted that Medicaid paid approximately $3,977,288 as a result of the fraudulent claims made by ANBNO and its employees.
The case was investigated by agents of the FBI, the US Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Inspector General, and the Louisiana Medicaid Fraud Control Unit. The case was prosecuted by Assistant US Attorneys Patrice Harris Sullivan, Jordan Ginsberg and G. Dall Kammer.
New Orleans resident AKASIA LEE, age 36, was sentenced Nov 17, 2009, in federal court by US District Judge Mary Ann Vial Lemmon to five years in prison for her role in the conspiracy to commit health care fraud. In addition, Judge Lemmon ordered restitution of $3,977,288, a fine of $1 million, and three years of federally supervised release following imprisonment, during which time the defendant risks an additional term of imprisonment should she violate any terms of her release.
According to court documents, on March 19, 2009, Lee pled guilty to one count of a superseding indictment admitting that she and other employees of A New Beginning of New Orleans, Inc. (ANBNO) conspired to commit health care fraud. Lee, the owner/operator of ANBNO, a Medicaid provider that made claims for Personal Care Services (PCS) it claimed to have provided to Medicaid recipients, solicited mothers with children who had Medicaid benefits to apply for care. Lee admitted that after Medicaid approved the applications, false documentation containing employee time sheets and daily schedules detailing services rendered to recipients was created by employees of ANBNO and parents of the Medicaid recipient children. Lee admitted that Medicaid paid approximately $3,977,288 as a result of the fraudulent claims made by ANBNO and its employees.
The case was investigated by agents of the FBI, the US Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Inspector General, and the Louisiana Medicaid Fraud Control Unit. The case was prosecuted by Assistant US Attorneys Patrice Harris Sullivan, Jordan Ginsberg and G. Dall Kammer.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Click For Cans
OK, a little corporate shilling here but trust me it's for a good cause. Campbell's Soups Chunky brand is having a contest and all you have to do is go there and vote. No signing up for e-adverts, or entering personal info. Why should you? It's a Saints thing and you can vote every day. Again, why should you? To feed people!
Campbell's is donating soup to NFL teams which they will distribute to local food banks. In our case this will be Second Harvest. 1,000 cans of soup will be donated to each team regardless of the voting outcome. The team receiving the most votes for the AFC and NFC get an additional 12,000 cans and the overall winner gets another 5,000 cans. This means if you lazy kids out there can click a button enough times for the Saints, you could help bring in 18,000 cans of soup to help feed people. And not watered down MRE soup, but so-chunky-you-could-eat-it-with-a-fork-but-use-a-spoon Chunky Soup!
The contest goes on through the end of the season when the four AFC and NFC teams with the most votes enter single elimination "playoffs" for three weeks to crown the overall winner. This means each of you reading this can add over seventy votes for the Saints from here on in! Just go to Chunky's website and click the Vote Now button, then pick the Saints matchup and choose our home team. And hurry! As of this posting the Saints 5,042 votes are second to the Packers 8,971 this week. In the time it took me to type that and double check the numbers the Pack gained four votes and the Saints gained none, so get your fingers moving and help feed some people in New Orleans!
And don't forget to blast this to everyone you know!
Thanks to local Kazoozie Floozie Debra Gunter for the heads-up on this!
Campbell's is donating soup to NFL teams which they will distribute to local food banks. In our case this will be Second Harvest. 1,000 cans of soup will be donated to each team regardless of the voting outcome. The team receiving the most votes for the AFC and NFC get an additional 12,000 cans and the overall winner gets another 5,000 cans. This means if you lazy kids out there can click a button enough times for the Saints, you could help bring in 18,000 cans of soup to help feed people. And not watered down MRE soup, but so-chunky-you-could-eat-it-with-a-fork-but-use-a-spoon Chunky Soup!
The contest goes on through the end of the season when the four AFC and NFC teams with the most votes enter single elimination "playoffs" for three weeks to crown the overall winner. This means each of you reading this can add over seventy votes for the Saints from here on in! Just go to Chunky's website and click the Vote Now button, then pick the Saints matchup and choose our home team. And hurry! As of this posting the Saints 5,042 votes are second to the Packers 8,971 this week. In the time it took me to type that and double check the numbers the Pack gained four votes and the Saints gained none, so get your fingers moving and help feed some people in New Orleans!
And don't forget to blast this to everyone you know!
Thanks to local Kazoozie Floozie Debra Gunter for the heads-up on this!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Charity
I shot this in April of 2006, when hope still shone on Charity Hospital like a beacon. At the time I didn't do anything with it, but I remembered thinking that the surrounding clouds looked like a portent of dire warning if ever there was one. Fancy that. Now this photograph has decided it wants to speak, to scream in agony with a voice that could pierce the ears of the deaf. I am only too happy to lend it my stage.
It has become painfully clear to me now that there is no hope for Charity. LSU wants a shiny new sprawling medical complex and they don't care what historic landmarks or neighborhoods or communities stand in their way. It's been four years since Hurricane Katrina gave LSU and the State of Louisiana the Golden Opportunity to lock the doors on Charity. Since then it has languished, decaying day by day like the health of the citizens of New Orleans.
Mayor Nagin is a clueless, ineffective caricature of leadership, concerned more with lining his pockets than the well-being of this city. Governor Jindal is on the money train with his cronies and frat brothers at LSU, even though they have failed multiple times to find financing for their boondoggle. President Obama certainly could care less, otherwise he would have sliced us off a tasty hunk of that Stimulus Cheese to help solve the problem. So what can we do?
Let's die.
Winter is coming and this gives us all a great opportunity to catch pneumonia and die. And when it's time for all of us to go, let's use our last breaths to crawl to the locked and boarded cyclone fence that surrounds Charity and shuffle off this mortal coil in mass protest. That'll show 'em! Piles of corpses surrounding the building, cough drops and throat lozenges clogging the sewers like so many discarded Mardi Gras doubloons and Moon Pies, rivers of phlegm and mucous running down Tulane Avenue to the river, and in each of our hands a can of LSU brand Chicken Soup with the handwritten message, "It's not working." Is that what it would take for someone in Baton Rouge to finally wake up and do something?
Unless of course, that's exactly what they're waiting for…
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